I'm drained. I'm so overwhelmed. I'm broke. Before you suggest going on antidepressants - I am allergic to all of them. My doctor has prescribed every single med trial possible. There are no other doctors, counselors that are different from what I am seeing and I can't afford extra.
I want an out and I can't do this anymore. Mom is now getting treatment at Sloan Kettering in NYC which is like over an hour for me. I have no life. I have no ability to drive certain distances either due to my agoraphobia.
I have been crying for over 5 days straight. My eyes are so puffy and my head has been pounding for days now.
I feel so alone. Guess I'm just venting. :(
http://nutritionfacts.org/?s=depression
The other good news is that you are NOT alone! You've got a whole support group here that understand the kind of frustrations you're going through. So vent away when you need to!
Set very small goals for yourself about getting your life back. Can't drive? Walk half a block to start. Get out a little bit day by day. Find something you enjoy - videos, books, puzzles, online games, whatever. Spend some time doing that. I'm sure you'll get lots of other good suggestions, so I'll stop. Here's a BIG hug for you!!
Maggie, I'm an author/columnist and filmmaker/editor and work from home as well as in various locations. I had to take this time to help my mom out as I did with my dad a few years back, to which unfortunately, he died.
Blannie, thank you for being so compassionate.
I'm glad you work at home. That must help "a little." If it's not our time to wind down our careers, giving up a job to care for one's parents is, in my opinion, the greatest sacrifice of all.
I wish you well. Exercise!
My life is over it feels. This is it. There is nothing more to it. :(
I'm not gonna kill myself, but I am going to hide under my covers for as long as I can. I can't do anything else. It's hard to even type.
ba8, I cannot drive over an hour away to see a therapist. I have agoraphobia is what I was trying to say. I wish I could see them. I don't have money for the therapists around here. They cost so much. I also don't want to stress her out - if my mom thinks I'm depressed, she'll go into a depression too. I can't stress her. But yes, very good idea…..Thank you for bringing that up.
I'm still hanging in there, praying. How do you all handle the stressors of taking care of someone and if you do, do you also take care of the rest of the family?
I LOVE to cook, but I do it all the time, cook for mom (which is a pleasure because I love her) -- cook for my partner, my sisters when they're here and always have coffee brewing for whoever comes over. I bring mom to all of her appointments that are local, but my sister has to help me when it's over an hour away. That has been a real help.
Ugh. I feel like I'm going through another episode of what I went through with taking care of dad and I felt like I failed. He died. I'm so incredibly sad and I miss him terribly. :(
It helps to know people are there that are in similar circumstances, so they can (you can) help me in knowing what it is you do to cope.
I feel like I'm losing it. o_O
I mean, sometimes, we're just BLUE. Blue as blue as blue. Who wouldn't be with the plates most of us carry around 24/7? One thing I personally know when I'm having a rotten few days is that "this too shall pass."
When it doesn't pass . . . when you're allergic to every anti-depressant on the market . . . when you can't afford some of the other wholistic treatments for depression . . . then you simply MUST change your situation.
Mom will survive.without you. She'll be well taken care of. It is your CHOICE to be her 24/7 care-giver. There are alternatives. Maybe it's time for you to explore them.
I use to have agoraphobia, hated to stand in lines at stores or the bank, it use to scare me silly... I was thrilled when drive-in thru's started to be common place as my car was my cocoon, I felt safe in it. I hated to be in staff meetings, I just couldn't sit still, I wanted to bolt.... most of those meetings were a big waste of time anyway :P
Eventually the agoraphobia started to disappear once I got into menopause, makes me wonder if it was hormone based, for me.
Have you tried this amino acid for depression? I have taken it for a while ( don't think you can take it long term, you have to take a little 'vacation' from it) See the info on Webmd about it:
webmd/vitamins-supplements/ingredientmono-653-phenylalanine.aspx?activeingredientid=653&activeingredientname=phenylalanine
A. How I cope
I am a 43 years old son, single. I have been living and taking good care of my parents all my life. My mom died from cancer 5 years ago and that I became the sole care giver to my father. I have a sister whom 14 years older than me, verbally abusive. My father is so unfair to me, he loves my sister much more than he loves me. He refuses care from her, he only expects cares from me with literally 20+ times more than my sister's inputs. From time to time, my sister calls me and says "Pa says .....", she add pressures on me and expects me to do more and more to my father, I felt used, betrayed, and really burned out. As a result, I do suffer from severe depression.
From the past painful years of being a sole care giver, I learned exam my thoughts: why do I feel so exhausted and depress taking care of my father? When feeling depress, strange thoughts often arise, and strange thoughts often leading to depression like a cycle, i.e. "my 90 years old father is so healthy and never get sick, he must outlast me, and God will keep him alive to punish me". Also I will ask myself, is there any issue between me and my father? Such issues will make my care to my father so miserable, i.e. "I love my father and hate him at the same time, as he is so unfair to me, he loves my sister and he does not love me!"
So, my advice to you is, do exam your thoughts. See what thought(s) trigger you the most causing you to feel depress. As you find that out, deal with it and work on it.
B. Depression
Since I am a fellow suffering from severe depression due to my family issues, I have done a lot of researches online and I learned that there is an expert on this field called Dr. Neil Nedley on Depression. Should you have energy, do watch his talks on Youtube. His advices do shed lights on my depression.
youtube/watch?v=-dSq9RDqDco - Here is the first of the 4 series.
Hope my inputs do help a little. A big hug from me.
I really liked the last part of what you said:
Mom will survive.without you. She'll be well taken care of. It is your CHOICE to be her 24/7 care-giver. There are alternatives. Maybe it's time for you to explore them.
I know there have been many times in my life, even when i was in another career, when I would help out 10 hours a week. Get a forum going where you live. "It takes a village" at times, and with all of the compassionate people out there, we can make everything work. It is just that every situation is so individual.
God Bless you "TheBoogs" "you are blessed"
You are not alone and in reality, there are more people who are suffering more thatn you do, some people are in a more deeper black pit that where you are right now.
Instead of focusing on the things that are negative in your life, why not count the things that are positive? You do not have aterminal disease, you still have food to eat, a place to live in, a family you can always go home to, some few friends who you relly can rely to. There are more things in your life that are worth living for than the things that deprives you from making the most out of your life.
Focus on the things that positive in your life. The more you dwell on the negative ones, the harder it will be for you to recover and move on. It is just a process. And just like any process, it all takes time to complete one step to another. Hopefull these tips could help you figure your life and hopefully move on to a brighter light.
1. Acceptance. Accept the fact that there are things in life that you do not have contro with. Focus on the things that you can change, improve andwork on, not on the things that you are not capable of changing.
2. The will to change. Accepting is a very difficult stage, but once you have managed to do so, you should be able to have the will to change and to try getting out of the pit that you are in right now. If you do not hae the will to change, you end up going to the first step all oer again.
3. Focus. You need to constantly work on the things that will bring you to a more positive situation in life. Take note, this things are not usually easy but with focus, you can slowly and surely hit every goal that you have in mind and see yourself being successful in facing and surpassing the challenges that you’re about to face.
You can get out of the situation you are in right now and you can do something to change. You just need to realize that you can, accept that you can, have the will to do the things that you can do and focus on making a better life for you and the people that you love.
My mother is my best friend. I love her with everything I have. The thought of possibly losing her devastates my entire soul. I DO love taking care of her and seeing her happy, but I am suffering from a terrible depression. I don't want to be away from her, so I guess your suggestion would be to "just suck it up" right?
Mom will not survive without me. Trust me on that one. She'll end up in some nursing home where they neglect or abuse their elderly patients as they did with my grandmother.
May I ask you why you are on here, Maggie? I assume you're a caretaker too, right? You seem to lack a bit of compassion in my opinion. The "tough love' thing isn't working for me. I'm not saying to coddle me, but don't be so insensitive. I'm not sure if you don't have love for the people you are taking care of, but it's very hard to see someone - the person you love the most of all people, suffer and go through this fiasco of medical procedures she always feared all her life.
So I'm so very sorry that I have a heart and that i love my mother so much that it's depressing me. I came here for support, not a kick in the rear.
THANKS!
I appreciate everything, I really do. :(
Bless you all…
Now, I have been through cancer surgery at 63 and pulled through without a hitch... it was slow going getting back on my feet, and I landed. You, or your partner, or your sisters, need to be there to help your Mom with getting around for the first couple of weeks.... she won't be able to pick anything up for awhile. I assume your Mom is getting chemo. Hope she is doing ok with that. Since NYC is too far away for you to drive, why not have your Mom get an Oncologist who is much closer by who can give your Mom the chemo. That would be a win-win for both of you.
As for tough love, sometimes it has to be given because some cannot see the forest for the trees. We all have hearts, and sometimes we love our parent(s) so much we want THE BEST care for them, even if it means handing that dear person over to professional Caregivers. And please don't paint all assistant living/nursing homes as the same, there are many lovely places.
*sigh*
kthin3, it's the 1,000 yard stare -- that dead proverbial stare that people get when they have seen enough of death, enough of sickness and enough of people whining about depression and anxiety. "Get over it" - "pick yer' big girl panties up and deal with life" sorta' attitude. I guess it's just how some people cope - keeping it all in and being the "bigger guy" - which sometimes works, but in the end, like my dad who always used to ask me, "What IS anxiety?" I used to tell him, "It's like an imaginary bear chasing you when there is nothing behind you."
One day, he got anxiety disorder so badly, that it went into depression. I felt SO horrible but YET, …….so relieved that I could understand enough to help him through it.
It's very easy to dismiss someone who is going through similar circumstances, IF they are handling it way better than ourselves.
I get it. I just wish some people had a bit more compassion or lack of enthusiasm to respond on these particular posts. Know what I mean/
Thanks guys~
Phil, welcome. I'm pretty new here too. I hope you get the support you need on here. Some terrific people that give wonderful advice…
So tired. I hear ya... PRETEND alls okay. Anything 2 keep from looking at reality of caregiving.
Not driving either & it adds another dimension 2 our situation. Dry ur tears. Ur not alone. Wash not important. I look like bag lady. Hair sticks out. Lol not care. I tired & perpetual sleep sounds good. But Got lot of stuff want 2 do so hope I survive. And hope u do 2..
The best to you..
One time I was using an over-the-counter antihistamine that my doctor had recommended, and after 3 days of using it as prescribed, the 4th day I couldn't stop crying. Called my doctor and he said to stop taking those pills, and don't use any pills within that pill family.
Just a thought.