Help! I need some support. What do I do when a friend scolds me for taking care of my mother?

Only, good to see you.

I know that you've been taking care of your mom with dementia for a long time. She's now 90, yes?

We had a poster whose mom died recently at 106. My best friend's mom died recently at 102.

Just because you STARTED to care for her doesn't mean that you have to continue caring for her if it's destroyed your life, health and your ability to support yourself.

I think it may be time to get mom other accommodations.

" I am a nurse practitioner so I am a professional"

My daughter is an RN and for the passed 27 years has mainly worked in Long-term care. She has already told me that she will not be caring for me 24/7 and thats OK. She has tried other jobs, in her profession, because she got burned out. But caring for people 8 hrs a day means you can go home and get away from the residents/patients. But when you care for someone 24/7 with no life of your own, no way to wind down and no support, its not the same thing. As a NP you did your 8 hrs a day and went home. You saw your patient and sent them on their way. You being an NP may give u an edge, but does not mean you won't suffer the same burnout as those that are layman. Dementia is like having an adult toddler only a toddler grows up. The adult's needs only worsen.

On the flip side of that I have people ask me why I don’t “just” have my mother move in with me. As if that would magically solve the problem of caregiving. One guy casually said his 90 something mom is going to move in with his brother and SIL so they can “preserve her assets”. I asked if his brother has any idea of what caregiving entails, or whether he has considered that mom might get progressively worse. It’s been said here a hundred times. You don’t have a clue until you’ve done it.

You posted a similar question recently and received a bunch of comments:

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/do-i-have-any-real-friends-483510.htm?orderby=recent

In reality, you DID choose to care for your mother at home and to quit your job in order to do so. How are you making ends meet? How are you planning to survive your own senior years, earning less social security by quitting? Not to mention the mental and physical toll it's taking on you to care for a severely dementia ridden elder 24/7.

A support group is the place to vent, not to friends who won't sympathize with your choices necessarily.

Life is hard for everyone. God doesn't inflict disease upon us, I don't believe, but allows us to live with free choice which oftentimes brings ON disease. Which is not to say it's your mom's fault she has Alzheimer's. Nobody really knows WHY AD occurs. Or why certain cancers appear. Or why children die at 3 years old. It's just life on life's terms.

Tell your friends you've chosen to care for your mom at home, yes, but it's not always easy and you're simply venting. Then change the subject, that's my suggestion. People want to talk about upbeat things in general.

Before I got my mother into care, I vented a lot to two cousins and one friend. All three graciously tolerated it, for which I am eternally grateful.

My mother is 98 and has been in care for 2 years. I simply could not cope any longer. I am so relieved to have my life back. She is very well looked after.

I suspect caregiving snuck up on you, as it did me. One wouldn’t call the fire dept to blow out a candle, but one day you realize your entire house is on fire. You are not obliged nor expected to handle it all yourself.

Perhaps you should carry a shiny bauble to drop in front of people that chastise you. As they bend over to pick it up, you’ll find it easier to insert their opinion where it belongs.

I'd wager your friend was telling you in the nicest way possible that she's heard you one too many times as you vent/whine/complain without doing anything to fix the problem.

If you merely want to vent, then do it in a support group, because otherwise you're adding your worries to your friend's own burdens.

The goal of getting together should be to bring each other up, not to bring someone down.

I am uncertain why, with all you have on your plate, you care a great deal about the opinion of others who haven't the SLIGHTEST clue what they are talking about (having not "been there"). But here are a few responses:

1. "Yes. I chose this. And I intend to see it through. But I just need a good vent once in a while. Thanks so much for listening and being kind."

2. "Wow. I had no idea you were such an A--. Now that I know I will refrain from discussing any of this with you."

You will find that these responses you mention are common common over time.
Many people think it is foolish to sacrifice your own life for the life of your parents. I am one of them. I think that obligation is paid forward. A parent is obligated to his child until that child reaches maturity. The child is responsible for his OWN children brought into this world.

As YOU vent your frustration to others, they will vent their OWN frustrations with you.
So, looked at one way you are BOTH merely venting frustration.

We all make our own choices, and indeed you did make yours and you continue to make your choice on a daily basis.
That doesn't mean our choices are always easy.
It doesn't mean we don't need a good vent now and then.

If you are able to find a caregivers group either to attend in person, or on Facebook, which is loaded with them, you will find people of like minds, and you can share your frustrations without a whole lot of judgements platitudes from those who haven't been there and can't identify with you.

I sure do wish you the best.

I don't think your friend was scolding you. I think she was pointing out the obvious. If you continue to vent to her about the same thing time and time again without doing anything to change the situation, what do you expect her to say? If you are unhappy with things as they are then change them. There are always other options....you might not like them, but they are there.

When I went through a divorce and that is all I talked about, my friends who had never been through one were supportive at first but got tired of hearing about it after a while. They can't relate.

Friends can only listen to so much venting before they lose patience.

I did caregiving for 25 years and had a miserable time of it with my mother. I never complained or "vented" to my friends, family, or either of my husbands.
I vented to other caregivers or in a support group. That's the place for it.

No one wants to hear it. You've been in it for 11 years now and after that long a person can't help but turn into a martyr. That's a long time and if a friend tells you that you "chose" it, they're not lying.


You chose to be the caregiver to your mother with severe dementia. You chose to move her into your home. You continue to choose to keep her there and to be her caregiver.
You have choices and there are other options. She can be put into a memory care facility.

You choose to keep her in your home and care for her yourself.

Don't get me wrong. There's nothing wrong with choosing to do it yourself. You don't owe anyone an explanation for why you chose to do it or why you continue to do it.
You wouldn't owe anyone an explanation if you placed her in memory care either.

I'm going to give you a good bit of advice here. I consider it my personal mantra and I live my life by it.

-Don't explain and don't complain.

Try it. I think it will do you good.

As for the need to "vent". Find a support group to do that in. Do it here. The forum here is a support group. Vent away.
Don't put it on your friends though.

Haven’t we all had a family member or friend tell us something , that maybe , at the time, was tough to hear , but they were actually trying to be helpful ?

Sometimes a bit of brutal honesty helps move a stuck person to make a change . I know it has for me from friends as well as people on this forum . Making the lightbulb go on over my head I call it .

Being told I had choices when I thought I didn’t was huge . I’m grateful that sometimes the honesty was intentional because the friend truly was concerned and cared enough to try to encourage me to make a change .

I didn’t always assume they were fed up and scolding me.