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I have worked for my little lady who has Alzheimer's for over 4 years. She has declined drastically. Her elderly husband still works daily and I'm there 9 1/2 hours a day. I love this little couple and care for the lady like she is my own from head to toe: fix hair, dye hair, nails, toenails, shower 3 times a week. We grocery shop on her good days. I clean and cook. Sometimes I drive her around & listen to her favorite music to change her mood. The problem is, she has become increasingly violent and for an elderly woman is very strong. Last week she slapped me across the face. I know it's the disease but still very upsetting. When she is upset for long periods of time with no explanation, she is usually diagnosed with an infection but her temper is a weekly occurence usually when dressing and showering which I realize can be normal.
I have been offered from a previous employer another caregiving job which as far as money goes, I cant refuse: 29 less hours but $1000 more per month. I have always been and am on excellent terms with this family but the violence (and daily bed wetting) has made me want to leave for a long time. I have read that I shouldn't give excuses for leaving but also feel they need to know the extent of her mood swings and violent behavior. She has taken pics off the wall and thrown them. She has hit the dog. They refuse to medicate her. I reported to the nurse her behavior and nurse is reporting to physician. The money is a huge reason I'm leaving because I have to take care of my own family. My new client has his mind and it has been agreed that I will never have to bathe him.
What is the most painless way to leave a job & why do I feel so bad for leaving them?
I realize that caregivers are replaceable but have developed a relationship with this family.

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Only a caregiver would feel the need to apologise for changing her job because she'd been offered a better job with a higher salary. In any other field of work, this decision would be a complete no-brainer.

But because you're good at your job, you care about these people and will find it difficult to walk away. I struggle with this myself and I sympathise - when we come to the end of our reablement assignments, it's official: those clients are none of our business and we're specifically required to take no further interest in them or their welfare. I know I'm new to the role, but at the moment I can't believe I'm ever going to be able to do this!

So, in your notice letter you give a leaving date and say nice, polite things about how much you've enjoyed your time with this couple and wish them well for the future. You are treating them fairly. What they do next simply is not your responsibility.

As a professional courtesy, you also write an exit report on your client's current condition which you give to your employer but marked for the attention of your client's healthcare team. This report is not connected with your leaving, it's for information to facilitate accurate assessment of your client's care needs.

Suggestion about what to write in your report: my line manager has just become excited about a new approach which goes:

Able to: (e.g.) wash and dress her upper body, feed herself, mobilise using a walking frame, engage in social conversation, choose what she would like to eat;

Requires support (physical assistance or verbal prompting) to: (e.g.) dress appropriately, wash her lower body, transfer to the toilet;

Concerns: Mrs Client at times expresses frustration physically and can lash out - these behaviours are currently under investigation with a view to treatment. Mrs C is prone to uti's and has required treatment for these x times over the last 12 months.

The only thing I would question is that your client seems to attack you when you are helping her to shower or dress. Is there nothing you can do differently during these tasks that would help her to feel reassured and stay calm? What most seems to upset her?
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2020
Excellent advice. I totally agree, CM. There is so much guilt attached to caregiving. That needs to change.
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You no longer love the job and it's time to leave, before you hate the job. Do you work for the husband? Who pays you? Whoever makes sure you're paid is the person to whom I would write a short letter along the lines of: "It has been my great pleasure caring for Mr. and Mrs. Little Couple since 2015. It is with a heavy heart that I inform you that my last day of work will be February 15, 2020. I have accepted a position that will enable me to spend more time with my family. I wish you all the best."

You feel bad for leaving because you've given a lot to these people. But, it's just a job and you must do what's best for you.
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Gr8fuel Jan 2020
Thank you.
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Sometimes, things happen for a reason, and at the right time.

The lady you're taken care of is getting violent causing you to not like your job. And it just so happens that another job, a better job, presents itself to you.

I'd say, the signs are there. Make your move. How to let the current family know? You can tell them the reason for quitting is the violent behavior and that you have already accepted another offer, so there's no changing your mind, in case they want to talk you out of it.

Congratulations and good luck.
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You need to put your resignation in writing. I would not list all the reasons you shared here.

You should address the increase in your client's needs as a separate letter and do it as a courtesy because you are not aware if they understand how things have progressed.

You don't need an excuse to leave a job that makes you feel like you do. I am done as of 2 weeks is sufficient. Obviously with courtesy and diplomacy.
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MargaretMcKen Jan 2020
It's a very good idea to make them separate letters, so that the family can use the information about your client separately from the fact that you have resigned for financial and timing \ reasons. It's more appropriate and more helpful for them.
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I understand how you feel....however, with the violence that sounds like its becoming more frequent, you need to do whats best for YOU. Less hours and more money, if its a good assignment, then take it. Otherwise, maybe you should speak with this lady’s family about her actions, may be time for a facility for her.
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Let her family know she may be experiencing UTI's more often than not.

UTI's can muck up the brain... They need to know this... You may already know this, you expressed here that she has infection ... so it may be caused by UTI's...

MIL would go nuts... But the main reason.. you are leaving... $$$$$$

Agreed I will never have to bathe him... How long is that til? How old is he? When do the UTI's begin? How old is he? Aging is different from one to another....

Tell your current emplyer the truth: Ma is too much for me to handle at the moment. I love her very much, but my family comes first. Please have her vitals checked especially for UTI...
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Davenport Jan 2020
In retrospect, everything was always related to UTIs. I can't grasp why the issue of UTIs isn't front and center for medical personnel to communicate to caregivers &/or family!
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Hi, I am a Certified Personal Care Aide working for a wonderful agency for 4 yrs. Bottom line, if you choose to work for a client who commits the very real crimes of assault and animal abuse then you are agreeing to work for someone who is breaking the law, not at all unlike victims of domestic violence who just can't bring themselves to leave their abuser. It is no different than if a client was sexually abusing you. Every type of assault is unlawful and REQUIRES you to leave. Period. Under these circumstances this family is extraordinarily lucky to get 2 weeks notice. You could not be faulted for giving no notice whatsoever. I had a male client who screamed at me and threatened to call the police because he couldn't remember who I was or why I was there. The 2nd time this happened I immediately informed his son, THAT DAY and said I did not feel safe and therefore I had no choice but to no longer care for his father beginning that same day. The son thanked me and immediately drove his father to a memory care unit at a facility and admitted him that same day. Here's the kicker: The son later wrote a letter to my caregiving company praising me profusely for my handling of the situation because without my having taken the immediate position I did his father would have continued living in an unsafe situation inappropriate for his stage of dementia. His letter was the most complimentary feedback to my company that I've ever received.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2020
Absolutely perfect answer! You are one smart cookie! You deserve praise from his son. Love his son too!

You should get a raise and a bonus. If I were your boss you would be the exact kind of employee I would desire to have working for my company.

Working with the public is great. A ‘people’ person thrives on it. We should do all that we can to satisfy a customer. But the customer or client is NOT always right. Many years ago I managed a store. I loved it. I was very particular about who I hired and in several years I only had to fire one woman.

I always backed the employees to the customer when they were right. I most definitely would have backed your stance. You are intelligent and did not hesitate to make the proper decision and act on it. 👏 Bravo!
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Gr8fuel, even though they were paying you, a great caregiver like you is hard to find and keep. As an employer, it is never easy to lose a great employee (and yes, they do become like family after a while) and often you feel like you'll never be able to replace them, but guess what? We usually do. This is not to lessen the value of what you've brought to their situation, but just to say do not fret, they will be fine after you move onward and upward. In fact, your leaving may be the catalyst necessary for the lady to get the proper placement and care. Wishing you all the best!
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Gr8fuel Jan 2020
Thank you.
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Yes to all the responses. You must do what you need to do, and it sounds like a golden opportunity has presented itself. I’m sure you care for this couple, but Mrs. LIttle Couple appears to need much more oversight as her issues progress. It is NOT ok for her family to refuse medication or to allow the situation to continue or get worse. Hopefully your resignation will wake them up. And remember, you owe no guilt for your choices. You must do what is right for you. Always. Best wishes
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You have recived the most excellent and thorough advice here anyone could possibly need , so I only hope that you can go forward with these guidelines offered here , without guilt and thrive at your new position. You sound like a lovely person , filled with compassion and I wish you the very , very best .
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