How do you handle the hurt of dealing with a selfish, uncaring and greedy sibling?

emjo23 it sounds like you and I have a similar situation with the mother/sister toxic combo. It makes it so difficult. Like you, it has taken me a very long time to figure out my family dynamic I served as the scapegoat in. Funny thing is, my "golden child" sister is anything but golden!! She is by far the very worst person in our family. She's a total loser, druggie, parasitic promiscuous lying sociopath. The rest of us are married, stable, honest and moral people. But our mother just falls right into her hands and is totally controlled by her. After my last visit for 9 days (I live out of state from them) my sister accused me of hiding a watch she had lost. I was expecting her to sneak something of my mom's out of her apt. and then later accuse me of stealing it while there, but instead she claims I found her watch she had lost and I hid it in my mom's bag of financial documents. I was astounded when my brother alerted me to what I was being accused of in front of the entire gullible family. I told my mom I had nothing to do with the watch whatsoever, and don't even know what it looks like, but my sister is such a good liar that she can make my mom believe anything, no matter how illogical and implausible it may be. So that's what I'm up against. It makes me hesitate to ever go visit my mom at all. After that happened I resolved to never stay at my mom's apt again, and not even cross her threshold while visiting - just have her meet me in the lobby. I value my good name and reputation and it just tears me apart knowing the slander that takes place behind my back. When I discussed it with my mom, all she cared about was finding out who was "leaking" this information to me! Like I had no right to know! And she never defends me against my sister, I am always assumed to be in the wrong. So this all causes lots of friction and mistrust and makes me hesitate to even bother contacting my mom. Infuriating!!

Thank you, thezoo. You figured that out at a younger age than I did. I know my mother-sister combination is pretty toxic to me so I have to cover myself as much as I can. I gather it is your sis who is toxic and your mother is being victimized. Sounds like you have detached from your toxic sibs which is good. I have been following your thread and will comment more there.

No contact is the way to go. I had to block everyone in the family except the one brother that actually provides some help. Thank goodness you had the presence of mind to talk with your mom's attorney before your sister did. I made the mistake of not getting to mom's lawyer first, my sister lied to mom and her attorney and snatched POA for herself, and we've been suffering the consequences ever since. Every contact with them has been a disaster, so when a counselor suggested I block all social media, email, texts, phone calls, etc, I had to think about it, and decided to give it a try. It has made it easier to deal with things, since I'm no longer reacting to their attempts to unsettle me or mom, because I don't know about them.

Thanks Vikki and Whitney. I have gone no contact for now. This article from a blog I read describes things well. My sister is the "golden child" and I am the "servant child."

Covert Narcissistic Sisters Play and Deceive with the “Poor Little Me” role in their families to psychologically unhinge and wreak havoc on their non-narcissistic brothers and sisters. They start very early telling lies to the parents about their siblings while playing the innocent role to the hilt.

As they grow older their sabotage escalates, causing great pain emotional and psychological pain. They plot and take boyfriends away from their sisters by telling lies or revealing secrets or conjuring up dirty secrets. They are believable; their lying skills are impeccable.

Parents often make excuses for them especially if this the Golden Child: ”Oh, she is shy and dependent; she is not capable of lying; give her a chance; she’s unsure of herself; you have to be kind to her.”

As she grows older and her psychopathology deepens the CNS becomes even bolder. As the parents age, the CNS becomes “indispensable” to them. In secret she plots and gains power and access to all of their financial assets—properties, investments, etc.

When the parents are gone, everything is left to her—a pittance or less to the other siblings. Who’s saying “Poor Little Her” now!

This last one has not happened yet as far as I know, though she visited mother a year ago and did a great job of trashing me to mother, and I know they had a visit to mother's lawyer to try to undermine my activity as POA. At that point mother was crazy enough to do anything, though I had filled the lawyer in about the details. I almost hope that all mother's money is used up in caring for her needs. I certainly don't want to fight about who gets what.

Your sister sounds as if she could be a narcissist, as the hallmark of narcissism is blaming things on innocent people, to take the focus off of the narcissists destructive actions. These people are almost impossible to get along with, as they will lie about anything to get their way. They will even lie about major things such as financial information (to favor them financially). You sound great, but your sister sounds very troubled, and she is probably difficult to get along with in other areas of her life as well. I would just try to put it in perspective that she may have a personality disorder, such as narcissism. I don't blame you if you have no respect for her, as there is a saying that states: "I cannot be mad at someone for whom I have no respect". Unfortunately, with difficult siblings, it's not like a difficult co-worker, where we could just change jobs and be away from the offending person.

Jane Austen quote: "Selfishness must always be forgiven you know, because there is no hope of a cure." Don't know that I agree entirely, but I do know that selfishness really equals neediness equals misery and a pitiable kind of person trapped in a pit of illusions and greed.

I have one of the "ugly" sisters who wants all the inheritance, won't lift a finger to help, but will try her best to get me into trouble with mother and has done this all her life.

Unfortunately, I don't have the payoff mentioned above, as mother has been mentally all all her life with Borderline Personality Disorder and the accompanying narcissism that my sis has either inherited and/or learned from our mother.

So that is not why I do it. I certainly do not feel lucky that I am doing what I am doing - quite the contrary.

So why do I do it? Partly by default. I know my sis can't/won't do it. My mother was smart enough to see that and to appoint me POA. More than that she needs someone to do it, she is my mother and as a relatively decent human being, I accept that the task, albeit often very unpleasant, falls to me. My health has been affected by the stress of caregiving within a context of continued dysfunctional family dynamics and If that becomes too much, I will resign. I am very aware I have to look after me.

"There's one in every family." Sometimes it can be the entire family! Living through situations with good-for-nothing indifferent siblings, family squabbles, sibling jealousy that borders all-out insanity, bad attorneys, legal battles, financial worries, untrustworthy outside help, greedy relatives, endless hours of hard work doing all sorts of nasty things that come along with caregiving, enduring the sleepless nights, anxiety, guilt and resentment. How lucky are the caregivers who do not have these complications! After 26 years of it, I've finally realized there IS a payoff for us that we too often forget: those golden moments we get with our parent - you all know what I'm talking about. They are rare and far between and often fleeting, but that is what makes it all worth it and that is what the lazy good-for-nothings and troublemakers are missing and will never be able to recover. We need to also stop to remind ourselves how lucky we are that we're going what we're doing and how right that is!

Just saw this post this morning when I was asking my self the same question...how to you handle the hurt of dealing with selfish, uncaring and greedy sibling...then I realized...you don't 'handle' it...you have to accept the way they are. The funny thing is...you probably don't even have to try to avoid them because they don't come around anyway. When it's time to hand out the inheritance, I will do it with a smile. I don't want Mom's money or valuables. I just try to spend time with Mom and make her day a little brighter. I get little to no support from my sister. She agrees to help and visit one weekend a month, but haven't seen her since Thanksgiving dinner at my house. She didn't bother to go to Mom's apartment and made an excuse around Christmas that she didn't want to get sick since Mom had bronchitis. Sis hasn't been to my Mom's apartment since sometime in October, said she thought I was too controlling! I find it interesting that she is a retired teacher, single and said she would help with Mom since she didn't help with Dad.
I'm moving on. When it comes time to disperse the inheritance, I'll do it with a smile because I will have no regrets. We can't change our siblings, but we don't have to like them or spend time with them. Do what you can and forget the rest.

RatherBeFishing described my sister exactly. Her greed has destroyed our family. I've never seen anything like it, and until an inheritance came into the picture, I never knew just how greedy she was. She's always been incredibly self-centered, selfish, self-absorbed and literally without shame - no conscience - but I never expected her to allow that to impact my parents. She contributed nothing to my parents' care, and in fact, just went on about her life while the rest of were burning down from stress - but yet she complained about the money that was being spent on it (because it would reduce her inheritance). She took all of my mom's valuables after she passed away, and systematically took anything of value my dad had, while he was still alive. She even almost convinced him to buy her a retirement condo on the beach (which would have been the entirety of the estate ALL going to her) - she did this all behind our backs - until my father, because of his dementia, accidentally told us about it. Then when confronted, she could only tell us that she was the victim and became furious with the rest of us because she saw nothing wrong with it. The only way to handle someone with no conscience, in my opinion is to try to forgive them (even though you know their actions are despicable), avoid them, and focus on the love you have for your other family members. I'm still struggling to do these things myself, and rid myself of the hatred and resentment I feel.

I am fairly going through the same thing like everyone who commented here & I feel your pain. I have reached to the point of focusing on me my mom, my sis and all the people who care for me in return, everyone else I leave them to God and I barely communicate with them.

I have a similar situation. I still sometimes feel resentful but I just don't interact with my sibling. If Mom asks to be reminded to call my sibling, I do remind her. When Christmas comes, I'll remind her to send a Christmas card. Other than that, I'm going to do the best for my mom and just forget about my sibling.

In fact, my sibling also got all the "good stuff." I pretty much agreed to it as a bribe to get some peace and quiet. But that wasn't enough and my sibling wants what little money Mom has, as well, sadly. At this point, I got Mom a lawyer and the lawyer deals with my sibling. I no longer try to be the voice of decency.

I don't think my sibling cares to be in-contact with mom without being able to get something from her, but I don't speak badly against my sibling nor try to convince Mom to give up on having contact. I just focus on everything else.

I have a brother who is a self-made billionaire and he is the greediest person one can ever imagine. Not only greedy but excessively selfish as well. He defrauded our mother out of her half of their partnership when he was just 25 years old by threatening to not be her son anymore if she didn’t rescind the contract. He has restricted his own family’s spending to the point where his wife feels resentful of anyone that even asks for financial help. He is extremely envious of siblings in any successes they may have and revels in any of their failures. He barely helps to financially support our parents and brags about it, yet his annual contribution equals about $50 of my household’s income as a percentage of his income and he still wants siblings to do more! He threatened to put my mom on welfare recently and he reconsidered when she said he’d better not dare do that. He is devious, cunning, and shameful in all aspects of business and personal life and I am ashamed of him. His attitude and behavior towards his parents and siblings is atrocious and has destroyed our family.

In March this year he was in a horrific car accident that nearly took his life. He is now a paraplegic. During his lengthy recovery, his heart softened and he reached out to family and several siblings visited him. Just last week he offered our very ill and elderly mom financial help because she needs part-time care, then he revoked the offer. I was so furious I called him and asked why. He avoided the question and then said he wanted more contribution from other siblings. I told him I was ashamed and embarrassed of him. On Tuesday I sent him a text message and told him not to use money to wield power and control over people, especially family. I think he was tired of the pestering and gave in as he called my mom that evening and said he would pay the care-giver directly. Good luck with everything, this situation is immensely frustrating and heart-breaking.

My mother just came out of stent surgery, my sister set it up , went to the hospital, during the surgery and drove her to hospital, that was at 6 am. My brother also went up there. they are not really dealing with my mother or really doing anything, my mother was under anasthesia, and completely knockedout and disoriented untill 6pm, my brother left at 12pm, my sister left at 2pm, i watched my mother go thru the shakes for 4hours, the nurses told me it was her body withdrawing from the anasthesia, she was shaking so hard the bed was rattling. I stayed untill 9 PM , she could not eat, she could not get the nurses to respond to her call bell, she was in a nightmere and all my brother and sister said is she is alright, you make a big deal out of everything, they left while she was still out cold. I was the only child out of 5 who went to see her the day before the surgery, and I spent 3 days with her after the surgery because my sister went on vacation, and I have no idea what my other 3 brothers are doing, and my nieces lied to my mother ,and said they were going out of town, they live across the street from me, I can see the car. My sister paid my mother $ 1.00 and hour to watch her kids while my sister made $60,000. and my brotherinlaw made $90,0000.,they borrowed $20,000. from my father to put down on the house and they rolled $40,000. from there condo into the house, and the house was tiny and only cost $90,000. It gets worse my sister had the audacity to complain to my father that my mother was eating all her coldcuts, and my father was buying her groceries, my sisters groceries! my parents were divorced and my mother was living on $658. a month, my sister brags all the time about how big her stock portfolio is , I do not understand why I am the only one to see how selfish and greedy my sister is. People thinks she is a darling, I think she is evil incarnate.I wish my mother and brothers would see her for what she is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rather be Fishing - Just saw your answer - Excuse me for my confusion.

Sounds like you have answered your own question...the answer would appear to be "with a good attorney, good record-keeping, and a 10 foot pole."

pstegman - I didn't post that I do dial the phone for my mother so she can talk to my sister and her friends. I make sure she connects and then leave so she can enjoy a the conversation in private. I have noticed that after talking to my sister she is in a horrible mood for the next few days. I never ask but deep down I know mom is just acting out from the conversation. I had thought to not dial the calls to my sister, but felt guilty for thinking it. Now I feel a little less guilty if I will only dial my sister for mom when mom makes the request.

Brenda63 - My sister also contacted my mother's attorney (a family friend for decades) to have my mothers accounts audited. I was fine with this, as I should always be, since I keep excellent records and also have ALL the records for what we have spent out of our own funds for my mother including the groceries etc. That was when my sister started to cut off her contact. She had it from the attorney that we were basicly supporting mom for all her needs including meds at $500 a month that are not covered by her Insurance. The poor attorney was horrified with my sister, especially when she suggested that my sister should help more financially since she does not help in any other ways. The attorney kept telling me that she was sorry we were going through this and was told by my sister that she didn't owe anyone any support in anyway. However the attorney confessed that she was not surprised since she has known us since we were both infants, and watched us both grow up. I found that so sad.

In reading other blogs, I agree with pstegman - you cant change sis - I work full time - when I am not at work I am at home taking care of Mom - I moved in with her. My brother-in-law takes care of my Mom while I am at work. My sister doesn't work - Once in a while she covers for my brother-in-law since he does work.- I have no idea what my sister does with herself all day - it seems to be a secret. Oh, but she is definitely interested in having the family trust reviewed by an attorney (Daddy died 8 years ago). Yes, there does seem to be one in every family. When mom asked if she could stay at her house during the week while I'm at work my sister said - no - it would be too stressful for her to have Mom at her house. Even though my sister has never worked and has a live-in housekeeper/cook, my Mom was at my sisters house almost every day taking care of my sisters children (for the last 14 years) before Mom became ill.

You can't change sis, and if she won't call, let God handle it. You make Mom happy. If she wants to talk to sis, dial the number for her and then go outside, do not listen to the conversation. If mom is happy after the call, good. If sis makes mom unhappy, do not connect them again. As far as outside lies, third party reports are usually designed to stir up trouble. Ignore them, do not let outsiders try to destroy your family, because they love the "he said she said" grapevine rumor mill poison. Deal with each relative on their own actions.