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1 of 8. I too am a sole caregiver for my elderly mother, who recently moved in w me, my husband and young son. My mother is also very nasty, mean and suspicious. She is affecting our sleep waking up the whole family several times at night and is affecting our eating habits. She becomes enraged and violent if either my husband and I cook in the kitchen in front of her. She was recently diagnosed w early onset dementia and early stage of alzheimers w psychotic episodes. However, from what I've been reading on this site, she sounds like she's a little more than "early". She was given a prescription for an anti-psychotic to help control her visions, suspiciousness and rage. I also have a sibling who is very hands off and has openly told my mother and I that she can't stand to be in the same room as my mother for more than an hour. In a way, I don't blame my sister for staying far away from her. My mother is getting meaner by the day. I do need some advice and support and sometimes just someone to talk to. Talking to friends and non-immediate family is frustrating, when all I hear is, "Why on earth would your mother do that- or say that?" Most of my friends parents are 10-15 yrs younger than mine, as my mother had me at 40. I was moved to respond to your post as I am dealing w what sounds like a similarly abusive parent. Good luck and I hope to find some resources to help her/us.
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To Jeannegibbs: Thanks for that advice on questions asked years ago. Saves time.
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Sendme2help, whenever an old thread rises to the top again, that mean someone has responded. I read those from the bottom up -- scanning until I find the first recent date. Is it the original poster, returning to tell us how things turned out? Is it someone new who found this in a search and has a similar problem and wants some fresh answers? If it is just someone offering an answer to the original poster, who may not even be on the site any more, I let it go. But if it is a new poster I respond to THAT person, using their name to make that clear. There really isn't much point in responding to a post several years old.

And you are not obligated to read years worth of old posts to help the new poster.

(This is just how I approach old posts.)
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Sandwich...thanks.. I cared for both my parents (now deceased) for almost 10 years. I lost my job and suffered major depression. Now I am trying to mend at 63 and find my own marriage again. My parents received excellent care, but at what expense... I guess mine and my husbands. I realize it can be different, but the statistics do not lie. I especially find the Humana commercial about families living together incredibly disingenuous. For one thing the grandmother being depicted certainly would not have grandchildren that young. A typical looking at life with rose-colored glasses and/or the picket fence myth. I loved my parents dearly, but I wish I would have asked for help as much for me as them.
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All very good answers, to a question asked in Dec. 2011., with 76 answers.
We, as caring people, may be interested to know what is happening today, or perhaps start a new thread more relevant to the same issue today?
Not sure how this works if the person asking has moved on or found a solution
that could have been shared. Myself, I try to answer the original asker, to help that person, but this requires reading 76 posts, all with caring people putting themselves out there, for 3 1/2 years?
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Only1of8 if ytou're looking to be divorced and ignored by your children just keep putting mama first. Yes, you can be UNHAPPY on many fronts! Decide where your REAL responsibilities lie. You have a wife and a family AND a mother....didn't you promise in your wedding vows to "forsake all others and cleave unto your wife"?
So you made a promise to your Dad....is that MORE important than the one you made to your wife and children? Do you think your Dad would want you to forsake all others BUT your Mom? I'm guessing he wouldn't.
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About these whiny, greedy, resentful kids...

About 50% of caregivers are over the age of 50 - the age where they should be making the most money they ever will or about to take retirement.

Of those caring for someone aged 50+, the average age of caregivers is between 50-64.

Caregivers over age 55 put in avg 30+ hours a week. This means there is a significant group who put in a lot more than 30 hours a week. The number of hours dedicated to caregiving increases with the age of the caregiver. So when you're 75 you're going to be doing MORE caregiving each week than when you were 65.

Of those caring for someone aged 65+, the average age is 63 years with one third of these caregivers in fair to poor health. If the average is 63, a significant portion of the people are OVER age 63.

The percentage of caregivers caring for individuals over 85 years of age has increased across all three of the national surveys of informal caregivers conducted by National Alliance for Caregiving in the U.S. and AARP, in 1997, 2004, 2009.

Parent care continues to be the primary caregiving situation for mid-life caregivers with 70% of the caregivers between the ages of 50 and 64.

67% of caregivers provided for someone age 75 or older.

Caregivers who care for a loved one with emotional or mental health issues are more likely to have made work accommodations (77% vs. 67% of those caring for someone with no emotional or mental health issues.

Even with all these caregiving hours, people are still trying to hold down jobs at the same time:
•More than one in six Americans working full or part time report assisting with the care of an elderly or disabled family member, relative, or friend. Caregivers working at least 15 hours per week said it significantly affected their worklife.

•Among working caregivers caring for a family member or friend, 69% report having to rearrange their work schedule, decrease their hours or take an unpaid leave in order to meet their caregiving responsibilities.

•Caregivers suffer loss of wages, health insurance and other job benefits, retirement saving or investing, and Social Security benefits-- losses that hold serious consequences for the "career caregiver." A reported 37% of caregivers quit their jobs or reduced their work hours to care for someone 50+ in 2007.

•10 million caregivers over 50 who care for their parents lose an estimated $3 trillion in lost wages, pensions, retirement funds and benefits. The total costs are higher for women who lose an estimated $324,044 due to caregiving, compared to men at $283,716. Lost wages for women who leave the work force early because of caregiving responsibilities equals $142,693, and for lost Social Security benefits an estimated $131,351, and pensions an estimated $50,000.

Predominately single women caring for their elderly parents are 2.5 times more likely than non-caregivers to live in poverty in old-age.

•In 2010, 14.9 million families and other unpaid caregivers of people with Alzheimer's disease and other dementias provided about 17 billion hours of unpaid care. This represents an average of 21.9 hours of caregiving per week, or 1,139 hours of care per caregiver valued annually at $11.93 per hour- an estimated $202.6 billion in 2010.

Alzheimer's and dementia caregivers, provide care on average one to four years more than caregivers caring for someone with an illness other than Alzheimer's disease (43% vs. 33%). They are also more likely to be providing care for five years or longer (32% vs. 28%).

17% of caregivers feel their health in general has gotten worse as a result of their caregiving responsibilities.

•Those who are more likely to rate physical strain of caregiving "high" are female (17% vs. 10% males) and older (21% are 65+ vs. 11% at 18-49). They have lower incomes (19% vs. 11% of those with an annual income of $50,000+), a higher level of burden (31% vs. 9%, of those with a moderate level of burden and 5% of those with a low level), and are living with their care recipient (29% vs. 11% who don't live together).

Caregivers who work full-time say they suffer from poorer physical health than their non-caregiving counterparts. 16% of caregivers working full-time have a Physical Health Index (PHI) score of 77.4%, which is significantly lower than 83.0% for non-caregivers

Caring for persons with dementia is reported to impact a person's immune system for up to 3 years after their caregiving experience ends, thus increasing their chances of developing a chronic illness themselves.

40% to 70% of family caregivers have clinically significant symptoms of depression with about a quarter to half of these caregivers meeting the diagnostic criteria for major depression.

There are an estimated 641,000 adults aged 60 and older with intellectual (mental retardation) and other disabilities. One age-related concern is providing support to the family caregivers who themselves are experiencing diminished capacity.

•One in five caregivers report having had training (19%) but seek additional resources. 78% report needing more help and information with at least 14 specific topics related to caregiving. Caregivers in high burden situations are more likely to seek help (83% vs. 73% of low burden caregivers). The top three topics of concern to caregivers are: keeping their loved one safe (37%); managing their own stress (34%); finding easy activities to do with their care recipient (34%); and finding time for themselves.

•9 in 10 (96%) of caregivers of veterans are female and 70% provide care to their spouse or partner. 30% of veterans caregivers care for a duration of 10 years or more as compared to 15% of caregivers nationally. 88% report increased stress or anxiety as a result of caregiving, and 77% state sleep deprivation as an issue.

This information is from https://caregiver.org/selected-caregiver-statistics.
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There is that type of parent. I was one, until my children put me on notice, it does not work that way. They were not rude, they were respectful and asked me what I expected of them as I got older. There is no way I would or could live with any of them. Familiarity breeds contempt. They help me out financially when necessary. I lost every thing I owned in a fire. They replaced everything. They owe me nothing but respect. If you have expectations of your children shame on you. It really should be discussed much earlier than 70. If your parent lives in their own home, spend their $$ providing them with care. A reverse mortgage. That is their money.
There is no cheap way out. The house won't be left to the kids. No arguments.
How about elderly housing, independent living. It sounds more like a co- dependency issue than a matter of well being. Be innovative and do not be afraid to tell Mom or Dad, can't do it. We have to hire someone. If they have no money there are services that are free. Most are afraid of what will other people think. Be true to yourself. I read stories form some very resentful people. Spare your parent.
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Belladora, your attitude that "the elderly do not really expect you to take care of them..." is your attitude, and that's a generous, gracious attitude to have. Unfortunately, it doesn't apply to lots of other elderly people. Just as there are surely plenty of entitled children, there are also many entitled parents out there.
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Oh, Belladora...it sounds like you have had a blessed life and been a blessing to your children! People with elders like you don't need this site as much as the ones who would LIKE to be loving, caring children but find themselves demeaned and belittled daily, and as Loretta said, when it is your own parent especially, to be told daily or even more often how stupid, ugly, and worthless you are when you are struggling to do your best just saps your spirit. You are blessed because you find that sort of behavior so unimaginable, but every day people write in about elders who expect to be taken care of - by their children, or worse still by ONE of their children and no one else, ever - no matter what because they feel it is owed to them; there are those who think nothing of uprooting and destroying their children's lives, jobs, marriages and self-worth. Yes, some do that because they have lost their judgement and their empathy to the ravages of dementia, but some have been narcissists all their life and never really acknowledged that their children were separate human beings with different needs of their own. YOU are obviously not like that.

And, yes, these children are ravaged by unmerited guilt, heaped upon them by the elder, sometimes by siblings, sometimes just by society in general and sometimes by people who simply state that assisted living facilities and nursing homes are for people whose families don't love them.
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My problem is the selfishness that I sense on this site. I feel it is disrespectful to the elderly. If they weren't afraid of losing their inheritance they would put the person ( why only mothers) in a NH. There would be no guilt. There should be none. The elderly do not really expect you to take care of them. There is usually a greed aspect to this. I expect to live at home as long as possible, independently. I would assume I am going to a nursing home after that. It's like an unwanted child. Do them a favor and spare them your wrath. We are old not stupid.
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Belladora,

It sounds like you have some personal pain around aging and care, and I'm very sorry for what you're going through. But, being judgmental is simply not kosher on this site, even if you completely disagree with someone.

For many people, this site is literally the ONLY place to be candid, honest, and work through the very difficult crosses there are to bear. We don't lash out here.

You are certainly welcome to discuss what is really bothering you and how you feel about it, without criticizing other site members.

My mother was abusive and I respect her by putting her in a care facility where there are people who can physically deal with her violence, her combativeness, her psychosis, her physical needs, her medical needs, and her social needs. She is safe from the world and herself. There is no amount of judgement from another person to make me change anything because they are not walking in my shoes.
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There you go. Minimalizing my intellect. I obviously do UNDERSTAND the thread. It isn't karma, It is the aging process. Reading these wimpy kids is making me sick. Isn't this the "ME" generation. All I said was treat them with RESPECT. We are old not stupid,
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Belladora, I don't think you really get the gist of this thread. This is about MEAN mothers. Not all mothers took care of grandchildren, helped through hard times, provided sympathetic support. Some mothers (and fathers, of course) have been consistently self-centered, demanding, disrespectful, and demeaning. Some have always had a "golden child" who could do no wrong and whi is now expected to do nothing to help but is showered with all the attention. Some mothers were abusive. Some abused drugs or alcohol and were neglectful. So now they are experiencing the bitchiness of Karma (as you put it).

Of course MOST parents deserve respect and gentle care. Most earned it. And no parent is perfect. You don't need to have been perfect to deserve respect (or we are all doomed). But there is a huge difference between imperfect and abusive.

My mother was one of the good ones -- one of the majority. But I don't think that people who didn't have good parents need to behave toward theirs the same way I behave toward mine. There really is such a thing as Karma, you know -- also known as reaping what you sow.
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Let's say I am your elderly parent. I am losing mobility every day and I feel very weak. My mind is slower than it used to be but I am far from stupid. I take pills every day and do not have the ability to cook for myself. I live in my own apartment and my complaint is you kids forget who brought you up. Who was there for you when you got divorced, who took care of every grandchild while you were getting financially stable. Now we are broke and almost helpless and you resent having to visit once or twice a week. I am so sorry. Suck it up. It's called the cycle of life. Karma is a b*tch and when your time comes you will wish your children were a little more gentle with you. Just show they respect and give them a sense of worth.
"Don't know what I would have done without your support when I was getting divorced"..
"so glad you were there to take care of the kids so I could buy my house without paying babysitting costs"..
"So grateful you took care of the dog when we went on our vacation "...
"I can never repay you for all the times you worried about me" ...
"You always treated my friends like they were family"...
On and on I can go.. I think what we deserve as elderly parents is RESPECT and do not dehumanize us as these poor souls above have. You have no idea what it is to lose a bit of yourself every day to something you can not control, old age. Every bone in your body hurts but put on a smile so the kids don't feel bad. Obviously none of you feel bad. UNGRATEFUL.
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When it gets to this stage you need to put her into professional care it is not good for you or her
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Hope I'm not going off on too much of a tangent here, but there is so much mention of "obligation", "guilt", and "deathbed promises."
I was reminded of an annual ritual in one particular faith, where certain vows we might have made are absolved, null and void, written off. Some examples are: "I promise I'll NEVER drink AGAIN!" Or, "Please, just let me pass this test, and I'll do ANYTHING...." And, of course, a promise made with the best of intentions, with the main purpose being to comfort someone who is dying. "Yes, dad, I'll ALWAYS take care of mom, IN MY OWN HOME, NO MATTER WHAT, UNTIL SHE DIES."
Maybe it would be a comfort to you to consider that, over the eons, we humans have done things with the best of intentions, and they just don't work out. We have to change course. And I'm sure that there are many faith traditions that acknowledge this in their own way. Maybe you have someone you can speak to about this in your own spiritual community.
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My heart goes out to you. My mother has been living with me for 9 years and I am miserable. She's 90 and has all her marbles but she is a b*tch to live with. I also have siblings, 3 brothers, that want nothing to do with her. She gets an occasional visit and maybe a phone call or 2 every year. I am so disgusted with all of them it's not even funny. We had another fight last night because she answered my phone and I was pissed. How dare she?! But no, she makes it look like I'm the bad guy and I end up saying I'm sorry. How does that make any sense? I truly wish she would die.
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I am in the same boat! My mom is 86, living alone in her house. All she does is sit and feel sorry for herself because my Dad died 2 years ago. I have a full time job, which she wants me to quit so that I can spend more time with her. Even if I wanted to, which I don't...I'm 53 and love teaching...I need to work to help my husband pay the bills. I have two older brothers who do not take her to appointments or to shop. It must be viewed as the daughter's job. I take her everywhere she wants to go, yet she called me, on my birthday, no less, to complain that I didn't take her shopping and her cupboards were bare. When I asked her to go shop last week, she said she had way too much food and only needed milk! I drove right up there with milk. I can never win. She will not admit to forgetting or being wrong and will argue viciously with me until I realize, oh, God,...I'm arguing back! She loves to make me feel like I am a bad child and yells at me for going out of town, asking what's wrong with me? I might have an accident or some man might make me pull over. My poor husband is tired of hearing me cry and complain in fear of my mother. It is difficult, but I need to ignore a lot of what she says. The above people have given great advice! Same scenario here with the doctor...She acted fine for him, even though I called ahead of time and begged for a happy pill for her. Nope. We are all in this together, and will be blessed for the sacrifices we make. Prayer helps me, but it isn't always immediate, unfortunately. God Bless!
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God bless you.

Think of her behavior, the lying accusing, crassness as part of an illness..."stricken with age" as they say and try not to take the attacks on you personally. Yes as it been said here it sure sounds like dementia and its almost like she cant help but treat you in this very STRESSFUL way. You have to reach out like your doing here to keep your sanity and you must get some more help to lessen the load you are now carrying................. once again God bless you in your endeavors......
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All of these kind commenters are right, this is not going to change and you need help dealing with this.
For one though, perhaps handling the meds and keeping them away from her is a good idea.
Best of luck and I feel for you with her anger.
I am currently caring for a woman who has my number; she knows I am soft inside and abuses me every day.
I am told that she hates my guts, doesn't want me there, has complained to her daughter (my boss) and is just vile and cruel daily.
It is gut wrenching, All the "don't personalize it" advice does not help when someone 2 ft away from you looks you in the eye and repeats how stupid, ugly and how much she detest you on a daily basis.
In fact, I will be with her in an hour and my solar plexus is already knotting up!
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My heart just breaks for you to think you are giving up YOUR family because you made a promise 20 years ago. Things change,,,,including your Mom. I would immediately move her into an assisted living where there is dementia care/nursing to help manage her pain. She is ill and is suffering, but also appears to be making up stories most of the time. If your father was a loving father there is no way he would want you to sacrifice your much younger life and family to care for a mean woman..Forget the money.. Your sanity is worth more than any amount of inheritance
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Mom needs a proper diagnosis and she does not need to consume your entire life trying- and failing - to make herself feel any better. The memory issues you are describing could be mild cognitive impairment at least, and the intensified narcissism could be depression as well as lack of insight and empathy. If she had any judgement, she'd realize that abusing the last child that is even willing to have anything to do with her is not going to get her what she wants.

I guess I have never understood the "sharp as a tack" statement when it comes to people like this...there really is such a thing as emotional intelligence, and just being conversationally coherent and aware of some degree of factual information does not mean someone's brain is functioning well.
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Like my father, your father decided for his own reasons that he would stay in his marriage with an impossible wife. That was the choice they made. You and I did not choose our respective parents. I can't speak for you, but I can say for certain that I would NEVER have stayed in a marriage with a spouse like my mother.

Your father drafted you on his deathbed to be his replacement. You are not merely "taking care" of your mother, you have stepped into your father's shoes--an unnatural, unhealthy, and unproductive place for you to be (not to mention what the situation is doing to your relationships with your family and to your children's sense of self and emotional health).

What you describe proves that the arrangement is not improving your mother's state of mind, nor anyone else's. If you believe that the situation and the sacrifices, damage and pain that it entails is what your father had in mind for you (and your family), then he had no right to ask such a thing. If he loved you as a father should love his son, he would not have asked such a thing.

You seem to have conflated "taking care of" you mother and trying to please her--which I hope you see by now is impossible. Making sure she does not suffer and has her physical and medical needs met does not require you sacrificing your life. Promising to take care of your mother does not mean that *you* personally have to provide the care.

Stop throwing your life away. Your mother could go on this way for another decade. Your children would be grown and you would hardly know them. They would likely be damaged in significant ways if they are forced to adapt to the present situation as "normal." Their adult relationships will be unhealthy, and their adult relationship with you is anybody's guess. Why you would choose to spend their childhood catering to a mother who abuses you instead of being with your own children and spouse who love you and *need* your love to have emotional health will be impossible for them to understand. When they say "You weren't there for me when you knew I needed you," what will you say? You cannot fix the damage once it's done.

Every hour you spend absorbing your mother's abuse (all versions of which I'm sure you have heard dozens of times) is an hour you miss discovering, supporting, shaping, and loving the individuals your children are becoming. Your mother will never change. She will die the way she lives.

But your children, who they are, or will become, is still an open question. As their father, it is your duty to put your energies toward giving them wings and modeling a healthy adult relationship with your spouse. The damage you are doing to your marriage, I can't imagine. If you were in your wife's shoes, how long would you stay in this unhealthy (for her and the children) situation? The damage you are doing to yourself is extreme. You must put a stop to you mother's reign of terror.

She belongs in a nursing home where her abuse is directed at professionals who cannot be personally damaged by it. She will be cared for and will not be alone. Surely, that is what your father wanted. If he wanted you to sacrifice the prime of your life, you marriage, and your children's emotional health, he had no right to ask that of you and if he was any kind of father he wouldn't have.
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Only 1 n 8, please put your wife and family first. You have apparently done everything humanly possible to help you mother but as others have stated, she is Unhappy and their is nothing else you could do to satisfy her and make her happy. Happiness comes from within and your relationship is so toxic it will kill both of you. I would tell her I will turn everything back over to a neutral party and leave if she does not get help and appreciate what you are doing for her. She does not need to be catered to in the with the abuse you are taking. And what about your wife?? How long will she put up with you being with Mom all day and not spending valuable time with her? I would not stay with my husband if he neglected me to to point it appears you are neglecting your wife. I wife should come first. And if you can afford help, then you don't need to be there every minute. I hope her psychological evaluation goes well and maybe they can help with her depression but it sounds like you are being an enabler and don't get me wrong it is wonderful to and want to care for your mother. But, you cannot continue to cope or you will have the break down and will not be able to help yourself or anyone. I know you are tired and weary and you must learn "tough love" and your own limitations and stick to it. Don't stop caring for her unless she needs professional help somewhere else but divide your time and give yourself permission to be happy and spend time with your poor wife. How is she taking all this?

Warm wishes,

Sunny
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So many of us never dreamt that taking care of a demented spouse or parent ultimately meant putting them in the hands of strangers. The best we can do is ensure those strangers are the kind of people who really put their hearts into the care they provide.
Check every avenue - Medicaid offers same-as-nursing-home care through their Long Term Care Waiver program. This varies by state so check your state or county Aging office. Veterans and their spouses get a small benefit to help pay for care in the home or in assisted living. There're also programs to cover LTC in a facility and a program in which they (or their rep) can, direct the care needed. Be warned all of these can take a VERY long time so work with a vet advocacy group. And getting help to relieve you of care for an abusive, narcissistic parent IS the best way to take care of both them and you because they're not allowing you to do your best by them. It's tough but it isn't forever; when it's over, you need to have the peace of mind that you really did do your best in caring for them.
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I was blown away when you said your Mother did not have dementia because her actions are so much like my mothers. I think I would beg to differ with the doctor who gave you that diagnosis. My mother has hidden and lost her checkbook so many times and then screams and yells at me that she cannot find it, so we search the entire house trying to find where she has hidden it. She has begun to accuse me of spending HER money which is a laugh as she could not have afforded to stay in her home without my help. I took the checkbook away and she is no longer given it, no matter how loud she screams!

I too made the same promise as you did, not to my father but to both of my parents. They took care of me when I was sick so I felt I owed it to them. I can tell you it is not worth, losing your family, losing yourself or losing the respect. What you are going through will negatively affect you, your spouse and your children and you may not know it at this moment but you will find out later, possibly when your wife is filing for divorce. Possibly when you children's grades begin to fall and they fall into depression....this affects the entire family and it does not make any difference that they are "not allowed in her house!"

This is madness and it needs to stop and you do not have to feel that you have let her down, she is SICK. You need to stop allowing her to beat you up and tread all over you. It is okay to stand up and say "Mom this isn't happening any more, you have pulled this BS long enough. I love you and I will make sure you are cared for until the day you die, but I will not allow you to stand around and verbally beat the crap out of me every single day!" Even if you do not actually say this to her it has to become your mantra.....what you live by.

I would hire a care giver and bring them in and let them know first that they are dealing with a strong willed, mean woman.....open the door and throw her in and stand back. Let her scream, she will get over it. She is use to always having her own way and uses bullying to get it.

If I was your father I would say to you, "Son I am so sorry that I asked you to make this promise to me. I had no idea that Mom would get to be this bad. You have your own wife and kids that you need to be making memories with, not becoming so stressed out by Mom and her demanding ways. I know you love Mom just as I did and I know you are a good son, therefore I am releasing you from your promise to me. Just please make sure that Mom is taken care of in a home or with and in home care giver, but son go ahead and live your life. I Love You! Dad"
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About a year after my husband and I married (at ages 49 and 59), his mother, who lived 300 miles away, was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. Since my husband had planned to eventually move back to his hometown, and I had agreed to move there too when he retired, we decided to give up our jobs and move closer to her. Since I was only 50, I had planned on getting another job. Big mistake. I gave up a good-paying job and then couldn't get another one in the new area. I had been working on my PhD as well, and had to quit that, too. I ended up working online for a pittance, and the endless sitting and typing caused constant back pain. I finally quit last year, after five years of pain and frustration. Guess what: my husband does not want me to collect disability, but he resents the fact that I am no longer working at all. Of course, his mother is dead now, too. So I gave up my career, and for what? I was willing to move and help his mother, but had I known that my age and career path would actually work against me in the new area, I would have stayed put. I ended up wrecking my own life when I couldn't save hers.
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Only1of8, Your Mom sounds like mine. Exactly, but your family is way more important than your Mom at this point. Mine is, too, but Mom lives here and that was a BIG mistake. I am just starting to get help with a home agency. I understand the punishment, the tearing you down in front of others. I feel so betrayed. I overhear what she says about me. I used to lay into her when I overheard her, but I usually let it go, now. We're on the verge of putting her somewhere else. If this agency help doesn't work, she will be going somewhere. Some people attribute it to dementia, but she has been always been this way. If you read things about "Narcissistic Mothers" and children of them, you will also get a better understanding. This sounds like a problem she has. I am just figuring this out myself. I had her in a geriatric psych place and they didn't even figure it out. They just called it depression and anxiety. HELLO?! I kept trying to tell them she's always been this way. Nice to others, not to me or my sister or our kids. If she's not adored, then she throws you under the bus. the more she throws us under the bus, the less she's adored. It's a vicious cycle. I just noticed this was an old post. Hopefully, things are all changed now.
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robi115, are you seeing a counselor? I think that might be worthwhile step here. You deserve a chance at happiness. Get some professional input on how to pursue that goal.
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