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She is 93 with moderate dementia. She has always been this way coming back from childhood, her way of control, this I am aware of and not wanting to give into that control. It is quite difficult that now I am the sole caregiver for her, my brother, the other sibling, died twelve years ago with cancer and his family is very distant with us. So it is hard to be doing this alone after thirty years, caring for my father who died of cancer in 1987, my elderly grandmother who died in 1997, my brother who died in 2002 and now my mother. I would appreciate any advice or input you might have.

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Walk out of the room when she is in mid sentence. Don't give her an audience. If she follows you, tell her you will be glad to listen to her when she calms down and lowers her voice. Go to the bathroom or bedroom and close the door. Let her rant. She will get tired eventually. She sounds like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum. Treat her that way.
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Yup, I agree with Rocknrobin. How do you handle your mom's raging outbursts? You don't. If she's acting like a 2 year old, treat her like a 2 year old. If she's screaming at you tell her that you will not tolerate being spoken to like that and then walk away and stay away until she's done. Then go on like nothing happened. Walk away the next time too.
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Leaving the room sounds like a good idea. Not giving her an audience when she's in one of those moods, she might learn that it's not really the way to get what she wants. Lately if my mom starts a tantrum or starts accusing me or my husband of things I leave her apartment (which is obviously easier than if you're living with her) but I just say I'm not going to talk about this and we'll talk later once things cool down. Usually she's at least civil after a while. It's enough to at least get you through, even if things aren't really mended.
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artlaurie im day 4 of not talking to mum? shes in a terrible mood and yes follows me to argue and yes i have to walk away now i am so lucky i have a friend down the road whose mum died of alz so she knows only too well the anger and "tantrums" the other posts are so right dont give her an audience. I go for a walk or my room or a friends ive had to throw out 3 meals that i cooked for her before i went out as she wont eat "anything ive cooked" yep temper tantrum like a 2yr old only we cannot punish a 77yr old? Like "go to your room and come down until you behvave" oh i wish!!! you have to rise above it and yes ignore her mums in the front room now sulking banging doors? BUT she has time to reflect then it will be all over me and buying me things blackmail? i was in a state last year before i joined this site as i didnt know what to do with these outbursts but have learnt alot here. Shes getting old shes afraid of dying and her anger can only be taken out on the one closest and thats you and me! Treat them like a kid and DEMAND she behave or else as i say to mum "theres a lovely home up the road with spare rooms if youre not happy here". Harsh but true i can put up with alot from mum but this abuse type behaviour is not on in any situation so let her know that you are not taking it and i assure you she will calm down and appreciate you even more although she wont admit it!
Hugs its very hard and so stressful but you get tougher and stronger if not youll crack!
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And yes artlaurie mum too has always been this way yes her way of controlling it just gets worse with dementia alot worse!
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It is very hard, Artlaurie; and not only because of your mother's personality but also because, as you say, you are now alone. And you must feel very much alone. I'm so sorry, you sound rather desolate, and I can understand why you might.

Has your late brother's family been in your thoughts more than usual, recently? I ask because twelve years is quite a lengthy adjustment period, so it seems unlikely that you would suddenly be feeling his loss more deeply unless, perhaps, some particular milestone or memory had come to mind.

Handling your mother's outbursts: there are numerous guides to dealing with challenging behaviour. From your description of your mother I would recommend Christine Lawson's book on the Borderline Mother (but then I would! - I've recently discovered it) - there are plenty to choose from for further reading, and meanwhile forum members will have excellent advice based on practical experience.

But aside from that, what respite do you get from your mother? I'm finding out for myself that regular breaks are sanity-savers. I personally get four hours a week, when the lovely Liz comes to sit with my mother; and I'm trying to establish a pattern of a week's residential respite care for her every three months or so. Getting time away, even if it's only so that you can lie down and drum your heels in peace, does seem to be vital.

So, returning to the subject of family, have you perhaps been thinking of building bridges? Does your mother have grandchildren she doesn't know (and would like to, and who would benefit from her attention - goodness it gets complicated!) on your brother's side?

In any case, however, while a rapprochement could DV prove rewarding, I shouldn't count on it for actual, practical support even in the best of circumstances. So I would also be looking for some outside caregiving resources. Start by asking your mother's medical team about what would be both suitable (they'll need to know what they're doing) and available. And affordable, if that's an issue.

The thing is, it's an awful lot easier to handle challenging behaviour in a calm and constructive way when you're not already exhausted and driven to distraction yourself: hence the need for time off. Best of luck, let us know how you're getting on.
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Hi - Artlaurie, geez what a track record you have with caregiving. Do you have something exciting, vital, riotous, colorful going on in your life (art, maybe? :) that is only yours, and you can share periodically at a class or guild? Or set, regular visits to museums you love, lectures, etc.? If not, maybe it's time to make that a priority! You've spent a lot of time around the sick and dying, I think we all should be sure to counteract that with Joy and Creativity stuff, whatever that is for you.

The great advice about ignore/walk away is already above. It's incredibly hard to hear the vitriol, at all, when the mother's always been that way and you just wish it would stop. But it won't. Countrymouse, my counselor steered me to that book a few years back, isn't it useful?! Very sad, too. There's no correcting a Borderline. I'm about to start week three not talking to my mother since her last meltdown, and I'm not proud. Have to get back on that horse soon. Someone wrote in a response this week that you're an equal to your mother, boy I'm going to have to try that one, it won't go over well. But I don't use that mindset enough, I still sulk and retort, in my head I still react too much like she is the parent and I'm the kid. You too, Artlaurie? Maybe we need to work and work on not being that in our head? I wish I'd ever had a mother who could just be there for me, but I'm grown and can let that go, she did an excellent job based on her emotional damage and remaining capacity. peace to all, keep up the great work. 😫 😊
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My 91 year old mom is just like you described, and has used "tantrums" to get her way ever since forever. And family has generally placated her ever since forever. Historically, once she's though with her tantrum, we are all expected to go back to life as normal. But now it's different, as now she has some cognitive issues on top of it, and now, she can't be allowed to have her way. No one who hasn't lived with a family member like this understands. The "tantrums" can be horrendous, sometimes ending with police involvement. There is no logic to appeal to. Never has been. It's like dealing with an adult-sized two year old. I believe it's a personality disorder complicated by dementia.
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One time Mom and I were in the car and we just arrived in front of her apartment building. She couldn't understand why I couldn't be in 2 places at once and started yelling at me a the top of her voice and calling me "B*tch! You B*tch!" I was shocked.
Then she saw someone outside and shouted, "My daughter is a b*tch!"
Makes me laugh at it now, but then I was devastated. Now I see it is a mental problem, as it has always been but everyone covered it up.
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well walking away is best of course but my 92 year old mater likes to save it all up and spew venom alternating with tears while I am driving
esp likes to do this while on the 2 hr trips we occ take to see her great grandchildren and of course on days we have shopping to do or just as i pull up to her apartment

any suggestions ??? I have tried to set boundaries about conversations in car but this has never worked

she has done this since I was a child I can remember terrible times in car she would take out on our dad

thanks
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Goagirl: Stop the car. Open the door. Repeat calmly: "Get out of my car NOW!"
Also, do this in your house if that's where the nut job starts: "Get out of my house NOW." I had to get to the point where I repeated this (it's called fogging) AND I also would say, "I don't care." Calling the police when she went off on me and started hitting and kicking didn't help and the police wouldn't come because they don't want to take a 98 year old combative dementia patient into custody. So you are screwed. DO NOT LISTEN. DO NOT GET NEAR HER. When the spitting starts (because she can't reach you to kick you or hit you), remain calm. Say calmly: "Stop spitting. Get out of my house NOW." Death is your only solution. Pray it isn't yours. The split lip in my user photo here was from being punched in the face by my 98 year old MIL. I am SO glad she's dead!
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Treat it like a Tantrum. Ignore it. Usually when they (child or adult) finds that it doesn't work, they will try some other tactic.
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Go, so, ask yourself why you continue to subject yourself to these car rides? "No mom, we're not going shopping this week. I'll call and have your groceries delivered. My doctor says that being yelled at is very bad for my heart condition". "No mom, we can't go visit the kids in my car. You make me so angry when you yell and cry, I'm afraid I'm going to drive off the road. Here's the number of a taxi service; they're lovely". Detach with love, but detach. Lest you die first. Stress kills.
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After reading this thread and hearing of this type of situation over and over I have a question. Understand, I am not caring for a person with dementia so I might just be ignorant but I don't understand why combative dementia patients are not medicated for that.

My uncle became very combative a few years into his dementia and the doctor prescribed some sort of sedative. The effects were dramatic which saved my aunt from a life of caregiving h*ll. It's five years later and my uncle is still being cared for by her at home and he seems quite content. He does sleep a lot (12-14 hours a day).

Medication is not just about making things easier for the caregiver it's also about making life better for the patient. In my opinion sleeping half the day is far preferable than being fearful, angry and hostile, he is none of those things now.
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Goagurl could you use the trick that parents used on us kids when we'd start up -- "If you don't stop that right now, I'm going to turn this car around." Then do it. Go back home. Then leave her alone and go to your room or leave on your own.

After you follow-through a few times with that and she (hopefully) gets the connection and (hopefully) can remember what happens when she acts up, maybe she'll stop? It might be worth a try - particularly on shorter trips out. I'd take her back home and then leave in the car, which highlights that you control the car and she doesn't.
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My mother-in-law occasionally has outbursts of anger. She has Alzheimer’s. She got mad at me one time for making up her bed by throwing a pillow at me. I just ignore her and let her throw her temper tantrum. She no longer throws tantrums when I make up her bed. We now have a caretaker staying with her. I have observed how the caretaker handles her. She’s very firm, but kind, and scolds and corrects her (as speaking to a child) when her social behavior is unacceptable.

Bless your heart for what you’ve been through already caring for other family members who were terminally ill.

Don’t respond to your mother’s outbursts; just leave the room until she calms down. If financially possible, hire an experienced caretaker to come in and stay with her. They cost around $16/hr, depending on area of the country.
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I have this same problem with my Mom who is 94. She will say that I or someone else said something, and when I say " no they did not say that" she will pull a tantrum. Unfortunately I can't agree with others who say "walk out on her". If I did that Mom would go totally bananas! I have found the best thing to do is bite my tongue, and more or less say "whatever" and try to agree. Then forget about it, and most likely she will in a little while. When Mom throws these tantrums, usually within an hour or two, she completely forgets that it happened.
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so can a person with Alz or dementia still be contolling?
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If only I could leave the room.... my mother is disabled and needs a lot of attention. The longest the Dr suggested she be left alone is four hours. What I wouldn't give for a full nights sleep.
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Ladyforbes if shes ok for 4 hours then take those four hours and "hide out" somewhere!! I have a routine here i get up before mum clean the whole house and if im really with it ill precook the nights dinner then get mum up dressed and make her breakfast at noon when she gets up. I leave a salad or sandwich for her and i run to my coffee shop for a break then i come back and have a bath cook her dinner and PHEW its 7pm and shes tired and at the tv until midnight so yes i have it planned as to not have much time with her as shell rant about the past or someone she hates or moan at the movie or whatever and whoever!
I know this is going to get worse and she will not be able to be alone for this long so im getting my breaks while i can. she isnt really bothered that i go off during the day but if i want to go out at night she throws "huge" tantrums and i will just go and text brother to stay yes i am kinds lucky to have a brother down the road but hes clever he arrives at 11pm mums in bed by midnight then he gets her up and hes gone by 9am. Yes hes got it sussed he stayed here last night OH dear he looked a bit stressed today?? poor baby (golden boy).
Someone once said on here "treat this caring like a business, a job" yes routine timeout and take as many breaks as you can now while we still can!
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My brother doesn't even claim her as his mother. If he wants to talk to her he texts me asking me to have MY mother call him. And the thing that makes me the most madis that he and his wife ( who is a registered nurse ) live the next block over from her. I was living six hours away. I had to sell my house and most of my stuff to help pay her bills and now his wifeis making plans to sell her house. That is sooooo not happening.
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Oh yeh my SIL is barred from this house so my brother uses this as an excuse to not spend too much time with mum? lucky they dont have kids or hed never be able to help out i am lucky to have another Older brother who told him to "man up" shes your mother too!
My poor mum she wants to work it that SIL gets nothing when shes gone but i try and tell her to let it go hes married her and yes i wouldnt be surprised if she left my brother and took half his inheritence but thats his problem shes a golddigging )*£"))"£! And god no! do not let your SIL near your mums house who the h*ll does she think she is? a nurse? so what most nurses ive met told me to leave mum that THEY couldnt do what i do?? LOL
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LadyForbes, why were you helping to pay your mother's bills? Sounds like a bit of a tactical error.
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To lat to tell me that now. Hospital bills are already paid off. I told my mother that since I am helping foot the bills my name is going on the title. My brother and his wife are not aware of this since they don't every come over. And I am disinclined to enlighten them of the changes. :D
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We should write a book about the things no one tells you before becoming a caregiver. If anyone had given a heads up I would have run like the wind.Would have never believed my mom could be such a spoiled brat. I just have to leave the room hen mom has a tantrum. She may not remember all the horrible tings she says but I remember all to well. Sorry the last memories of her I will have will all be bad.
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I stopped offering to help my mom with money when she still had her house. Her heater broke and her house was so cold and damp. I had estimates done and a new furnace then would have run about $800. I told her I would buy her a new furnace so she didn't freeze. Nope. She wanted new red plush carpeting. I told her in that case I'd lend her the money and I wanted to be paid back. She did, and man I never heard the end of it. "I paid you back every dime for that carpeting." Yeah, she did, but she could have had a warm house and older carpeting and instead she chose a cold, damp house with red carpeting. Not catching pneumonia seemed more important to me, but what do I know? She thinks she was the envy of the whole town she lived in with her red plush carpet in her $40,000 house. Never mind that two miles up the road there was a sub with $400,000 homes. That's narcissism for you. The whole town is in awe of a little old lady who sits in her house and chain smokes. Doesn't go to church, doesn't volunteer, no clubs or anything, but it's a corner house with red carpeting inside so the whole world is envious.
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Hi, Laurie.

Funny you posted this today. I was just at a workshop for caregivers. I would suggest that you find a respite service to give you a break. From what you said, I see that you have been caring for a lot of people in your family. There are local organizations in your community that can assist you with different forms of help. It sounds like you're overwhelmed, and that isn't good for you, your parent, your family (if you are married or have children), or even for your work. Ask for help! That's what it's there for. Good luck.
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ellieG does your mum have dementia/alz? Its harder i think when its thier house thier rules maybe you should have kept her at your house then maybe youd have a bit more to bargain with?? im in mums house so its horrible when you have to run sometimes! if this was my house boy oh boy things would be different!
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I understand wanting to treat the person with dementia like a 2-year old when they are acting like one. The big difference is that the 2-year old can eventually learn from the experience. The person with dementia can't. In this case, walking away isn't "teaching" anything, it is removing yourself from an abusive situation. In order to be an effective caretaker you have to take care of yourself too.
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I think walking away is more about keeping cool and not returning the hurt in kind. Like counting to ten. Keeping your temper when what you really want to do is to scream back.
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