Guilt, even when you know there's no other choice. Is this normal?

Hello, all. I am going through a rough time lately with all my husband's health issues and I can't really tell you what moment "clicked" where I knew I couldn't take care of him by myself or at home anymore. He has been in the ICU two months. The litany of health issues: COPD, Polycystic kidney disease (end stage renal disease) dialysis, anemia, leg amputation from bone infection, and NED from lung cancer has come to a tipping point. I think I knew the likelihood of him being bedbound was highly likely as his mobility has gotten less and less over the last two years.

The mobility became a problem when he has osteonecrosis in his hip requiring a replacement. Even with PT both in and out of the home he has never been able to lift his leg below the knee. He had many x-rays and other tests which show nothing is wrong with the placement and no infection to cause this. He became wheelchair bound. He could still use his other leg and had arm strength, so I was able to help him transfer to his chair, the car, the bed. He was using a bedside toilet in another room and I would empty it. I admit I am scared because over the last six months he has been in a bad decline.

He went into the ICU because of plueral effusion. It was insane the amount of fluid they were draining off his lungs. The first time, he was in the ER and they sent him home after two days! Well, two days later we had to call the ambulance because he couldn't breathe. They had to put a drain into his lungs and kept draining fluid from his lungs. It was non-malignant. Anyway, they had to start him on dialysis, thus his move to the ICU. They discovered the bone in his leg was infected (he had wounds on there that had not healed over a year, even seeing a wound care doctor and home health changing it and skin grafts).

My point is, I know I cannot care for him when he will require so much help just for daily living. I am 37 and he is 61 and I am crying feeling so guilty knowing I will not be able to care for him. It was hard when he had to have a hip replacement because he was bedbound and we had to use a hoyer lift (his late daughter and another male family member were helping me). We have been married 14 years and I feel like I have failed him, but he is a fairly big guy, at 170 lbs (he did lose quite a bit from both cancer and the hip replacement). I fear he won't recover the majority of his strength and at the moment is not coherent and has ICU dementia (except he isn't seeing things but the forgetfulness is crazy).

I still care about him and have love for him, but I feel so guilty like a horrible person. I think he will have to stay in the TX area and I will have to move. I have mental health problems and need to be near family to stay stable and I have high-functioning autism. I know that makes me a horrible person, but I am ready for a change to be in a smaller home and a smaller town. We moved up here so I could have a better job pool and salary. I am planning on moving back to my hometown in NM because honestly between my mental health and the cost of living, I need to. Can Mark join in the future? I hope so, I really do, but I am unsure.

I feel so guilty like I failed him. He was on disability when we married from anxiety. I feel guilty for wanting a simple life of being able to work, enjoying dogs, being near my family, taking a little daily walk, reading, maybe get back to writing. I want an occasional hang out time with my friends. I would like to get involved in a church again as Mark's faith has been kind of so-so and I am a believer.

I feel anger I shouldn't because I know his health problems are not his fault, but kind of like he has sort of left me even when he hasn't. Yes, I am trying to set up seeing a therapist, but I am mixed up and confused. My question is, will it ever be sort of normal? Why do I feel so guilty like I've been a bad person?