Guilt and anger over mom in ALC with holidays coming.
I think I just need to hear that the way I feel is okay and normal. I had been giving care to my mom for the past several years, not my idea but it just happened-I have a problem saying “no”. Earlier this year she fell several times and is now in assisted living. I have finally been able to just begin to relax and de-stress, knowing she is in good care and I don’t have to provide it. I had toyed with the idea of bringing her to our house for Thanksgiving dinner with my family but she can’t get into my truck very well and transporting her would be a problem. My husband, who she has spurned ever since we were married 49 years ago, said don’t invite her. They are having festivities at the center and let her enjoy that. We need a family thanksgiving to ourselves. When he said that I was flooded with relief and knew this was the right thing to do. Now my mom has begun her usual manipulation and wondering what I am doing for the holidays. I feel angry from all of the times past when I made a wonderful holiday dinner only for her to say at the last minute that she didn’t feel like coming to my house and for me to bring her a plate at her house (and sit with her while she ate)!! I am also feeling guilty for not inviting her. You know, I have been on anti-anxiety meds since last year when her demands just became more than I could handle any more. My husband, son, and I actually moved to a different state from my parents back in 2001 to get away from their insistence that I follow what they want instead of what my husband wants. I could not take it being caught in the middle and I should not have ever been put in a position to choose between my husband and my parents. Of course, after my dad passed in 2011 I brought my mom to live next door to us so she would be near family. What a mistake. Anyway, I have decades of anger built up inside of me from this situation and still I’m compelled to feel obligated to include her in our family holiday, knowing she will make it unbearable. Any suggestions? Am I right or am I a monster?
I am THRILLED to hear that Mom has now moved to a facility where she can be cared for without ruining your lives.
So let's stick to that.
How about a little honesty: How about laying this holiday thing to rest once and for all? Such as:
"Mom I need to tell you that you won't be coming to our home for holidays. This is the request of my husband, who you consistently spurned throughout your relationship with us. I will be honoring his request because now it is time for MY HUSBAND to be my FIRST CONCERN. I hope you will have a lovely day with the festivities here, and I will see you the day after".
How about THAT? It's honest. It's gentle. It is the truth. And in all honesty it IS TIME FOR YOUR HUSBAND NOW.
Have a happy holiday. You didn't create your Mom's woes. You cannot fix them. And you have a right to a life now with your patient hubby. I am in HIS CORNER in this.
Guilt is a self imposed emotion that will keep you stuck.
Your husband and your family are the priorities, certainly not your mother. She has lived her life on her own terms. Personally, I think that you are doing your husband a disservice, he should come first.
There will be plenty for her to do at the facility, let it be, enjoy Holiday, you are entitled to this breathe of fresh air.....finally.
Sending support your way!
You've done all you can for mom, and like many on this board, you realize that you overdid it to your detriment and that of your family.
Mom needs to join in at her center and have a great Thanksgiving with the people at her new home. The umbilical cord was cut when you were born, and there's no need to keep reattaching it!
Good luck with Thanksgiving and with your own personal growth.
What we did when mom was in a NH was we planned a family party at the facility for the Saturday or Sunday before or after the holiday.
This gave mom the ability to see everyone, enjoy the grands and food (we brought in stuff we cooked) and she could go back to her room when she was tired.
My mom was not manipulative. But if someone I was "doing" for made comments to me about how I wasn't doing enough, I'd vore with my feet and stop helping. At all
Your family comes first. That goes without saying.
Your anger is justified.
Your choice of spouse IS, WAS, AND ALWAYS WILL BE,
YOUR BUSINESS AND ONLY YOUR BUSINESS.
You have paid your dues 100x100 times over.
Your husband is ABSOLUTELY RIGHT about your Thanksgiving, and you and he and your son are richly entitled to it.
You cannot SAFELY transport her and it is not in her best interests for her to leave her ALC.
Your mother can’t “manipulate”you unless you let her. If/when she makes the first negative comment or accusation, look at your watch jump up and say “Look at the TIME! IF I don’t leave RIGHT NOW I’ll be late for my (dentist appointment - meeting with the people at the library-picking up the dry cleaning- you get the idea)”. Give her a hug and kiss on the forehead and immediately LEAVE.
Don’t turn around or respond to her if she howls for you.
You have forgotten that sometimes the most important person for the caretaker IS THE CARETAKER h/h self, and it’s TIME to REMEMBER TO DO THAT.
Only if you want to and are comfortable doing so, take her a piece of pie some time over the weekend, and tell her to enjoy it whenever she eats it.
ENJOY EVERY MINUTE OF YOUR COZY RELAXED Thanksgiving. YOU DESRVE IT!
Tell her you will bring her a plate the next day . Or you tell her you aren’t cooking this year, you are going to someone else’s house . Or tell her you are going away and won’t be home .
Enjoy your holiday with your husband .
LEARN from all those years of your mother ruining holidays and making them unbearable.
Please don't be a martyr. Not only will that ruin your life, but it will ruin the lives of yourself and everyone you love who loves you in turn. Don't do that to your husband (Mazel Tov to you both on 49 years of marriage) and your family that you want to have a Thanksgiving with.
Now listen or should I say read carefully. Everyone the world over has lied to their parents about something or another at some point in their lives.
So here's what you do.
When your mother is hinting about what you're doing for the holiday, you tell her that you're going on vacation. Or that you're not cooking this year but going to someone else's house. She will be none the wiser if no one tells her different.
Do the same thing when it's Christmas and New Year's too if you celebrate those holidays.
You and your family (if you want to) can pick another day to be Thanksgiving or Christmas for your mother.
My mother hints and tries to guilt trip me about not making Christmas for her and the family. Then I remind her that I've been Jewish since 2003.
Just ignore the guilt-tripping and a little white lie to your mother about your holiday plans will hurt no one.
From what I read here, in the USA the last months of the year and the family expectations are bizarrely stressful! Why do it to yourselves?