Asking for some advice- not sure what to do.
Moved in with my 78 year old grandmother after my grandfather passed away 8 months ago. My fiance and I have a 15 month old daughter.
Didn’t realize my grandmother had early dementia, but now starting to think that is our main issue.
Since we moved in she has been very firm with us about not being able to change anything in the house. Thought it was just grief and being attached to things but now realize it’s a bigger problem.
Biggest problem is her not understanding that a lot of things we were asking had to do with the safety of our daughter (Can you please keep the cup of candy on a high shelf and not the coffee table so she can’t grab them and choke?) So when she said no, we were very upset about it. Thinking it’s dementia since any normal person would understand that.
I’ve been a lot better with her recently, but she’s holding it against me that I wasn’t nice to her in the beginning.
I don’t want to keep damaging my relationship with my fiance because of this.
Things have been slightly better, but not sure if they will improve more or not.
Should we put more time/money into the house or just move out now?
In such debate.
My mother exhibited the same behavior right after my father died and she is only now slowly letting go of things and making changes one year after his passing.
I had an aunt who wanted her granddaughter and a family to move in and take care of her but once they did, it was awful! She would not even allow them to have a key to the house! Whenever they would get home from work or school, they had to wait outside for hours sometimes for her to get home from whatever errand she was running.
Suffice it to say they moved out after 6 mo.
At a minimum, you and your family need your own space and there needs to be childproofing in the rest of the house. Sit down and talk to her about it. Let her know that you and your family cannot stay unless your daughter will be safe there.
People suffering from Dementia do not do well with change. I would say your grandfather covered up for grandmom. He probably saw changes and compensated for them. His death may have contributed to more decline. She needs a good physical. If she has other children, you need to tell them what you have found out and then you cannot care for your child properly and grandmom too. They need to handle it.
You are too old to be living with your grandmother.
Thirties you should be on your own with your family building your future, not living with her in her life.
This is not a healthy situation, and where are her children in all of this? Why are you feeling responsible for your grandmother?
Step back start making changes in your life get it back on track.
You had good intentions moving in but I don't think you new what you were getting into.
Grandma will eventually suck all your energy out, and that's not good for your daughter or your relationship
I would suggest move out, help GMA out but not living there. It's not going to get easier, this road only gets harder .
Yes she should understand why you can't have the candy out, but she doesn't want to , she wants her life to be normal. The normal went out when gpa died. And she is trying to do everything she can to hold onto what once was, and keep her independence.
This will only be a struggle for all of you
This is Grandmother's house, yes?
So to me, it's kind of a power imbalance. With Gramdma as owner & you, your partner & child as either guests, tennants or lodgers.
What does Grandma want, now that she is a widow?
If she does want to house-share - how?
Honest & frank discussioons are needed on what you both need. Then see if this is compatible.
Maybe sharing with separate spaces may work... IF the home is big enough to divide, eg a sitting room each, but then utility rooms like the kitchen, laundry will need to be shared. This may still cause safety concerns.
If Grandma cannot understand your need to toddler-proof the home, I don't think there is an alternative but to set up your own separate living arrangements.
Maybe as local as you can if you want to continue a close arrangement, visiting Grandma often?
There was no agreement in place prior to us moving in.
The only things that were mentioned
- she agreed we could “treat this like our home and make changes- put up a picture, get a new sofa, etc)” She said that to me almost verbatim.
-we could have the living room for ourselves and redo it.
Now, she has been resisting us doing anything to the living room- we have to talk about it and have her approve. Finally we’ve made progress and have been able to put new carpet in and get furniture but she doesn’t see it as an improvement to her house.
I lived there before with both her and my grandfather for several years (teens to late twenties) (31-34) and both times were not like this. We would talk over things together and agree. She would make changes to improve things and ask my opinion.
I love her very much and the reason I am here is to make sure she is okay and nothing happens to her.
Wondering if anything can be done now to improve the situation. I really don’t want to have to move out unless it’s a last resort.
Good luck .
This is her home. She has a right to make her own decisions. If there was no understanding before you moved in, as to how things would go, what shared living expenses would be, and etc. then that was a mistake.
You say you now understand, after living here for some time, that there is some dementia involved.
I would caution you to move out again. I cannot know what your arrangements are/were, but this is the time to get out of there, frankly, before you become responsible in some way without any power to act for yourself.
Simply give your grandmother the date on which you will be leaving.
If, after leaving, you are concerned for her well-being, then I would report her to APS as a senior at risk.
This isn't your responsibility at present. I would caution you against assuming any said responsibility unless you are well qualified to assume it.
When we start a family of our own, they come first. You need to begin adulting by getting a place of your own. What about Grandma? Well, you aren't in any position to become a caregiver to someone who is going to need the level of care that she will. You need to make up your mind that she or someone else will have to take care of her. Then leave.
Spend your money on your own place. I hope you find one that can be a real home for you, him, and daughter.
I suggest moving OUT.
Move OUT before your toddler tells MY story one day, God forbid.
What do you think is the practical thing to do?
Was it more a chance to get low rent? Because it doesn't seem to be in the best interest of Grandma.
But, If Grandma is having health issues, have you taken her to the doctor? Is she in need of a caregiver? Have you set up anything that is for HER benefit since you moved into HER home?
Curious why it is not in her best interest?
She has vision problems and I do take her to her eye doctors. We buy her some of her groceries when we can, have dinner with her (cooked or takeout), do things around the house to help take care of it. We help her with issues she may have on the computer and stuff.
She doesn’t need a caretaker exactly but needs help. If we didnt provide dinners not sure she would eat, she forgets to often and has lost a significant amount of weight (I’m sure that’s stress and grief too)
Ive been trying to spend more time one on one with her, ask her to do things together. She always seems to be busy doing something and never has time for me and that hurts.
But you’re right, I need to do more things for her benefit ! Didn’t think of that- will try.