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It is coming up to two years for my mom and I living together. We made the decision to purchase a home together and "split" it in to two seperate living spaces. It seemed like such a good idea at the time, having our independence yet being only steps away from each other if needed. I have had many sit down talks about privacy and how important it is that we have our own space and also enjoy time together. Well it has not turned out this way. I work at home and on the rare occassion when I do go out solo, and I mean rare!, it is a stomach turning episode. I have become my mom's life, she needs to see and speak to me every hour. She is very healthy, has her own car and still drives. She used to be independent (or so I thought) before the passing of my father two years ago. Her only disability is hearing, she has hearing aids. She prefers to go out with me, has some friends and groups and will participate from time to time, but will rush back home to see me if I don't go with her. I feel totally smothered. I do everything possible for her, cook for her (she doesn't want to cook anymore, we did add a kitchenette for her), take her to appointments, Church, out for lunch etc etc. I work at home and if I shut my door to my space, I can hear her walking by over and over until I open it and will hear her say, "are you mad at me, what did I do?". I really have lost my freedom and privacy. At times I feel I am in prison, then I become engulfed in guilt.....she is in her 90's, I should feel blessed...right?
She is very sensitive, our "talks" occasionally result in her crying. More guilt! I love her with all of my heart and don't want to start resenting her, counselling is out of the question, she won't go! Feeling burned out and feelings of guilt....tips anyone????

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Ugh. That would drive me insane fast. You're very patient!

You have no reason to feel guilty! You are doing nothing wrong. No one can blame you for needing space, especially when you are working!

Others already mentioned losing her "rock" in your father. Also, she may be missing caring for someone. Was she a wife/mom most of her adult life? If so, she maybe can't function any other way. She has to look after you somehow because, like many elders, still sees you as her baby. Her being around constantly is maybe her way of looking after you-- and she can't imagine you don't need it!

I'm assuming you're divorced/single. In her mind, she may see that as you being alone in the world, and thus feels a need to be with you as company. I know my folks worried when I was single, saying they didn't want me to be 'all alone' after they were gone. And I'm not even an only child!

I understand totally about crying when you talk to her about things, but is there a way to tell her you can't replace your dad? You're united in missing him terribly, and maybe wording it as "No one could ever replace dad, not even me"? Maybe that will give her a bit of clarity.

As for working, maybe a heads up first: "Mom, I'll be working from 9:00 to noon today. We can eat lunch together and then I have to work again from 1:00 to 4:00. I'm not mad at you, just pretend like I'm at the office."
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Is she afraid? My mom did this to me. She smothered me. It effects us. Yes, we do start feeling a range of emotions, guilt being one of them, also frustration, anger, feeling isolated, depression, anxiety, etc. I became a different person. Of course, it didn't start out that way. Mom was able to be left alone in the beginning. She lived with me for 15 years. Gradually she became dependent upon me for everything. My life had turned into literally being her servant.

At first, I was able to leave my home but as mom's Parkinson's disease progressed it became extremely difficult for her and myself. She ended up voicing her concern of fear to me. In her defense, she had legitimate reasons to be fearful and I understand that. I am not heartless and you don't strike me as a heartless person either but devoting so much time and effort to a parent starts to wear us down, right? Honestly. I burned out and I am no longer mom's caregiver.

Please look out for yourself too. You matter. Your mom's care is important but you have equal importance. Don't make the mistakes that I did. I never viewed myself as equal. I paid a price for that. So did my husband and daughters.
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My mom made chicken soup one day when I was in high school. I came home to a smoke filled apartment. She went to get her hair done, put the stove on high and forgot about it. She melted the aluminum pot to the stove. I lost the piece of melted aluminum a number of years ago, but that memory will certainly stay with me forever.
Perhaps, it is time for mom to put away her oven mits. Look into Meals on Wheels for her.
So, don't "talk" or correct her anymore. It only upsets her and makes her cry. Put your arms around her, tell her you love her, it's okay.
Honestly, you are going to miss those moments when she is gone. :(
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Our local Salvation Army had the Sage House - Adult Day Care. Our local parks main office had senior meetings every Monday, bring your own lunch, but they had games, current events etc..
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Sign her up at the public recreations park near you and check your computer for local trips for senior citizens. They may have buses going to museums etc, if your mom can handle that. Something to think about at least.
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GEt her into a social group, like adult day care. If she is still healthy and spry, sign her up to volunteer at the botanical gardens, library, or a school, elementary school in a class room to help grade papers a couple days a week. Doesn't have to be much, just time away from the house.
If she is in her 90's, I would rethink her driving. Have her take a written and driving test, or ride with her when she is driving and see for yourself if her driving and reaction skills are still ok and safe.
It sounds like you two need a break from eachother, and her volunteering or going to adult day care to volunteer or to participate, may be a start.
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Onlychild07, are you your mother's durable PoA? Does she have all her legal ducks in a row? She won't go to counseling but will she allow you to accompany her to a doctor's appointment? If so I would arrange for an "annual physical" (you can make up a therapeutic fib that it is required by Medicare this year). Once there, discretely pass the staff a note requesting a cognitive test and also check for a UTI for good measure (as this can affect behavior). Docs are happy to do this. At least you will know what you're dealing with, depending on the outcome, and options to move forward will be clearer.

In the meantime, put a note on your door addressed to your mom telling her you are working and that you won't be available until XX o'clock. Let us know how it goes...
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I think so; you e become the substitute "rock".

Getting her seen by a geriatric specialist could be a good idea. Or perhaps a geriatric psychiatrist. She might be suffering from lifelong depression.

Are there any Independent Living facilities that are affordable for her? It sounds as though she would benefit from a living environment where there are more folks around
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It definitely is child like behavior. I really had to think back and she has always been quick to cry. This increased as my father's illness worsened. She was his caregiver for years and was always by his side. As I mentioned, she is very healthy physically. The more I think about her past behaviour, my dad and myself were the "strong" ones. So no, there really hasn't been a change in her behaviour. I suppose the clingingness has shifted to me?
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Was your mother always emotionally needy? The description you give makes her sound like a small child who needs constant reassurance.

I suspect that all is not "fine". In hindsight, my mothers cognitive decline was first noticed by us all as increased anxiety, emotional neediness and not being able to be alone. We thought about alot of other causes, but we never dreamed that she had had a silent stroke that had affected her ability to reason.

Please come back and let us know if this is the way she has always been, or if this is a recent change in her me tal status.
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