My boyfriend of 13 years, who is 70, has had since May, a total knee replacement, back surgery about 2 weeks later because of spinal narrowing (which Dr. figures was causing leg issues). After back surgery he was moved to a rehab center which when changing bedding they dropped him on the floor, which ended up having the knee way out of place and surgery again to put it back. He stayed with not much progress until moved to another center that had 3 hour a day PT. After a month he was using a walker but they said they had done all they could. Next another rehab center where he received pt. 3 times a week for 30 minutes. Otherwise he sits in a wheelchair the rest of the day and is totally incontinent being unable to get to bathroom by his self. It is now November, and he was moved to an assisted living home where he gets 2x a week a little therapy. Costing about $4000 a month. He has paid close to $20,000 out of pocket for the previous care places. My predicament is he falls often without someone there guiding him with the walker. My house does not have sufficient door clearance to move room to room also. I have told him I can't take care of him with his issues and I work part time. I know he is worried about the money, but soon will be able to apply for Medicaid also. There are two adult kids that live some hours away and really have no interest in helping, but worried about their "inheritance". The 1 son was angry because "I don't want to take care of his dad". I am suffering from guilt not bringing him home. But honestly, I don't want to spend the rest of my life (I am 70) taking care of him and basically ending my life to0. I visit every day, bring food if he don’t like what is being served, pay his bills, and was doing wash too. Am I wrong or being selfish? Feeling guilty!
While this is not the point of your post, what makes me most angry is how he was dropped in rehab. The more exposure I have had to elderly care in our country the angrier I get in how incompetent it can be. I would think that rehab should have some liability in this case. Maybe legally they dont have liability, but I think they should.
Bottom line, NO, you should not feel guilty. Its pretty normal to feel guilty, but at the end of the day, or at the beginning of the day for that matter, you should not.
I agree with what Geaton said. You can try to help the man get back on his feet again before deciding what to do.
Good luck
If you want to help him, get to the bottom of whether he is getting enough pain meds or not (I didn't do the opioids, but lots of Tylenol, stool softener, laxatives etc.)
If you want to help him, talk to the ortho who did his knee to get PT referral and ask for the in-home PT exercises and then encourage him to do them. He has to work through the pain to get his mobility back. And he needs rechecks to gage his progress. If he isn't progressing or not cooperating, they will stop ordering PT for him. Is he even able to make the trip to the clinic?
In the end you're not obligated to be his caregiver. He could be depressed. Or, if he's being given opioids for the knee and back pain, he may not be taking them properly. It would be helpful to check on this.
Did you cause his injuries and his falls?
Did you cause them on purpose?
Are you able to FIX his problems but refuse to do so?
No, of course you didn't cause this and you can't fix it; therefore guilt is out of the question. We can only be guilty about things we personally CAUSED to happen.
What you mean is the other G word which is GRIEF. And this is worth grieving over. It is going on and on for you both in the worst way.
You are very wise to recognize that you have limitations that do not allow you to do in home care. You can only support him as you are doing, and if this means Medicaid for him, then that's what it means, and you can STILL be there to give your loving support.
He has a son. I would encourage his son to speak to his dad about a personal injury lawyer. This dropping him while he was in care has clearly led to grave injury from all you say.
I am so sorry, but use the right words in your own head, because words we tell ourselves matter. You are not responsible to do anything but love this man while you still DO love him, support him with loving visits. Be honest with him. That's always the best route. You aren't God and you aren't a saint and I always say that Sainthood is a real bad job description, anyway. My heart goes out to you.
I think this kind of arrangement is great. My Uncle dated a woman for years, he had his house she had hers. They ate out, traveled together, went to family functions together but always went home to their own homes. My Uncle eventually had ALZ. Her son moved home because as an alcoholic she felt she needed to be there for him. She never cared for my Uncle. A woman I worked with had the same arrangement. Why, because she took care of a dying husband and said she would never do it again,