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You definitely are not alone.    I think after years of caring for my father (after my sister and mother), my goals and thoughts on life had changed drastically.

I think the first challenge is to face the loss, to validate yourself and what you've done, analyze and come to terms with the anxiety and regret of not being able to do everything you think was possible and could be done, in retrospect.   Coming to terms with yourself, who you were, who you are after caregiving is over, and who you want to be is a real challenge.

There's nothing negative about the experience; if anything, it's probably more unsettling and confusing than negative.   You have to work at embracing the positive, congratulate yourself for learning coping techniques, and consider how you can leverage that experience in your next career.   And that's the way I think it can be viewed: positively, as something you've done that's valuable, insightful, and challenged coping skills, putting you in a different position to view the rest of your life.

What were your goals before caring for your mother?  Have they changed for the period after, and if so, how?   Is there any way you can work toward those goals now?  If not, how will post-caregiving segue into the next phase of your life?
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You really have given up a lot to look after your mom. Your mom is relatively young, and could live for another 20 years or more. Are you willing to continue with things the way are for that long? I don't know what her health issues are, as you don't state in your profile, but I'm sure your sweet mom doesn't want you giving up on your dreams to have a family some day, have the job of your dreams, and be happy. You are too young with so much life ahead of you. You might have to reevaluate things as far as your moms care is concerned.

Caregiving is very hard at any age, but I think especially hard when someone is younger and hasn't experienced a lot of life yet. I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. Don't beat yourself up. You're doing the best you can, and that's all any of us can do.

I was a caregiver for my husband for many years, until he just recently passed in Sept. I am 61, and though it was hard for me, I was married with children and grandchildren. You do lose a lot of friends along the way, as most(unless they're in a similar situation) don't understand what you're going through, and I wasn't able to work for the last several years while I looked after my husband, so I lost those connections as well. And so now I am in a position where I'm not really sure what I want to be doing with the rest of my life. It is kind of scary, as I feel I'm having to start over in a lot of things, but I'm a lot older than you and have done a lot with my life already. You need to make sure that you are taking care of you. Caregiver burnout is real and it sounds like you may be experiencing some of that already.

Have you discussed your feelings with your mom? She probably is already sensing that something isn't quite right, as moms have a way of knowing when things are amiss with their children. If possible, please get some outside help for your mom so you can start living and enjoying your life.
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I don't think you are negative in the slightest. And I think your fears are not only normal but they are very wise.
Might I ask the reason your Mom, at 68, two years ago, needed caregiving 24/7? She is quite young. She likely has easily two decades of life left unless she has some specific illness you aren't mentioning. That would put you at close to 60, and yes, the time then to have your own family is most certainly gone.
I think that two years is just about the time you needed to understand fully what you are giving up. If your Mother doesn't suffer from dementia of some kind then I believe that she also knows this. You do not feel safe in leaving her for enough hours in a day to have some sort of life, so I can only guess that her needs are very high.
I hope you can answer the above. If you continue on you are very correct that you are sacrificing a life of your own. You took this care on at age 34, so I am thinking you were old enough to have some inkling of what sacrifice you were making at that time? What was your thinking in taking on 24/7 care at that time for a woman your Mom's age?
Ultimately only you can decide what life you want to live, what you are willing to give up. For someone who has little needs of friends and doesn't want a family, this might be an option. For others/ I would say for MOST this is not an option, and in no way if fair to the person who sacrifices his or her own life for their elder. You are asking yourself EXACTLY the right questions now. Only you can decide the answer.
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SouthAfricanGal Nov 2020
Thank you so much for your honest advise. My mum has dementia, arthritis in the spine, high blood pressure, anxiety & depression. I grew up in a household where by dad who has passed away (bless his soul) physically abused her. He then left her with me and my two older siblings and she worked double shifts at the hospital to raise us. She didn't have much time to deal with her health so it all escalated when she retired.

I guess she wouldn't expect me to do all that Im doing, its just that she was (in my view) the best mom & nurse and did so much for her community that I wouldn't be ok if I wasn't there for her when she needs me most. My older siblings have a different view and have gone on with their lives. I don't blame them at all because we all have free will. If anything I think I envy them because they make sensible decisions for their personal needs.
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