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If mom agrees it would be best to move to a retirement facility in one of the cities where three of us live. How do we convince/force our dad to agree to it? He has had two strokes in the last 10 years and is still very functional but stubborn and adamant about not moving.

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It sounds like the “something” has already happened. You’ve noticed a decline in your mums mental ability. Not surprising if she’s “on call” 24/7 re your dad. Don’t need to be always doing something - just knowing it’s all down to you all the time.

If your dad is stubbornly refusing to consider his wife’s needs besides his own I would have a chat with his doctor about the situation. The doctors medical view can be used if your dad is not prepared to listen to his family.

It sounds like your mum could genuinely use a break. If there aren’t the services there - could your dad go into short term respite care elsewhere? Again that’s something his doctor could discuss with you. If would then give you time to help your mum decide what she needs without interference

yes your dad will not like the changes - which is why you want the doctors medical opinion as the reason why implemented.

Personally I had to step in and tell my parents the changes that were happening as of now! There was no can we / do you think - it was a this is happening, I also had to be the one to tell my uncle that he was no longer able to do finances etc with me (I was doing it and letting him “check” after!) that the doctor had decided the POA was to be implemented as he had deemed him mentally incompetent. I also had the “fun” of informing him he was moving to a nursing home later. Despite it was the POA’s responsibility. Yes he got argumentative, then cried - but he got far better care in the nursing home than I could provide.

I hope you can resolve it with his doctors help and get them both the help they need closer to you.
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Lilly, how far away does the closest sibling live to them? Do your parents have some basic things in place, like a durable PoA, Medical Directive, pre-paid funeral, will? If not, this may be the beginning of a conversation, as they will hopefully see the need for this.

Do any of you know what their financial means are? This will be pivotal in their options for future care. I think your mom is in the best position to "reason" with him and put the gentle pressure on. But you can "feed" her info and words to say. If she doesn't make any progress with him then you will need to do Plan B, which will probably be you & siblings having a family meeting for a serious discussion. Honestly, you can just print out page after page of the chaos, depression, crisis, burnout from this forum and have your dad read them. I can't believe that won't move the needle.

While your mom is at her doc appt she should get a cognitive test as a baseline, and check for a UTI because they can be undetected in the elderly and cause dementia-like symptoms. Can be cleared up with antibiotics. You or one of your siblings should be named on mom's and dad's HIPAA release so you can get and give medical info for them with each doctor they see. Peace and blessings to you.
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LillyG Oct 2019
I live the closest, about 1 1/4 hours away. The other 3 are 2 hours away. They have DPAs, medical directives, wills, long term care insurance and their funerals pretty much planned. Financially they are totally able to pay for a retirement facility or assisted living facility. Mom is pretty worn down by dad and has a hard time speaking up sometimes. And he just doesn't listen to her or us if he doesn't like what we are saying. Due to his mental capacity at this point, he can't really be reasoned with. He can't really read anymore so giving him any information from this site isn't an option. Getting put on her HIPAA release is a good idea and we will pursue that. Thank you for your thoughts.
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Its hard on parents to except change. Its hard to ask for help from kids. Stubborn works so much against them. They make it so hard on their family.

Is there an impartial person who can discuss this with them. Children tend to be blocked out.
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What is your mother's condition like? Is he taking care of your mom? And it's too much for him? Would he want to let his wife move and not demand to go with her?

I live in a small town with no services and see how it is a big deal as people get older. My 76 yo mom lives with us and while I would hate to sell and move to the city, I can see how it would make her life easier and mine as a caregiver.

Tell us more and you can get more and better advice.
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LillyG Oct 2019
Mom is in fairly good health although she is starting to fail some mentally. Dad is very unhappy due to the fact that he can't drive any longer and because of some other issues (that are too long to go into here). He causes mom a lot of stress which we feel is causing some of her issues. She does have a doctor appt. soon and will have bloodwork done, etc. Mom is the one who manages their day to day life. Dad doesn't have the mental capacity since his strokes. He would be unable to live alone. It is virtually impossible to have a calm, rational conversation with him about anything of importance. My sisters and I aren't sure if mom really wants to move yet but know she feels there is no way to convince dad. However, if she continues to fail mentally, we feel that we may need to step in and tell them they need to move. We feel we are in a position of just "waiting" for something major to happen that will force the issue of making a change. Thanks for any advice.
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