I want nothing more than to move my parents into a safer place to live. They are fine to live alone (with each other) for the time being but they need to live on one level and/or make other improvements such as moving the washer/dryer upstairs from the basement and install a safer tub, but even though my mom has already fallen more than once my dad refuses to see that there is a problem and he refuses to spend any money to make improvements and he, of course, refuses to move. I just don't get it. The house is small and filthy - they stopped cleaning long ago and started hoarding (not TV-show-bad but not pretty, either). Even though (or because?) it is the house I grew up in, I absolutely despise even setting foot in that house, and when I do they get angry with me for trying to clean the whole time I'm there - I mean, really angry - yelling and screaming angry. But I just can't look at that filth and clutter and not try to clean it, but it's so nasty you can never tell I did anything much at all, and their anger about it makes me give up and leave before there's time to make a dent, anyway. And there's no clean place to sit down and relax and just "visit" with them, anyway, so what else would I do while I'm there?? Also, they always still offer to feed me when I go in... It has been at least four years since I've had a meal (or even a snack) in their house because it is so dirty. They know why I won't eat, yet they keep offering like I'm suddenly going to just change my mind and decide I don't mind eating food from a filthy kitchen at a filthy table. I pretty much just don't go there at all anymore - and they know why - but they keep asking... complaining... "you never come over anymore". I HATE IT THERE. Dad has some sort of dementia - can't find his words, forgets everything, loses everything, and NEEDS me all the time - constantly calling me asking me to do crazy things and just talking irrationally about random subjects and it drives me crazy. He doesn't do this to any of my siblings - just me - and I have a very stressful job that takes a lot of my time and he doesn't seem to understand that at all - calls me at all times of the day and evening, and makes doctor appts without checking with me first even though he knows I have to take him. He still drives a little and so does Mom but neither of them understand what the doctors are saying half the time and/or they simply don't remember. Mom's memory is going, too -- she's better off than Dad in that department but physically she is much worse off. ANYWAY... my whole point was meant to be that I am desperate for them to move someplace safer and cleaner and it just kills me that Dad refuses. Mom would be all for it, but Dad's "in charge". I've even offered to help them get a little place much closer to where I live so I could see them more often and where none of us would have to worry about Mom falling down the stairs, but Dad shuts me down every time I mention it. Does anyone have any advice? Sorry for such a long... rant, more so than a question. I am just so frustrated and lost. My siblings DO NOT care. Whenever my parents need or want anything it's me they call... it's me that Dad screams at because he's mad at the whole world.
How have your siblings stayed out of the fray? Do they go over, at all?
Would you consider calling the health department and reporting your folks? There are places that actually have departments, that handle hoarding and filth.
I had a dear friend that didn't even out live her mother, because she was the one doing the running and taking the calls. As many times as I told her "Do not answer the phone." She kept doing the same thing over and over, every day. It actually drove most of her friends away.
I am reading 2 good books, that are helping me understand people like your folks. They have helped a lot.