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My 86 yo mother keeps making harassing phone calls to anyone that will actually answer their phone when she calls. Her phone recently fell and is no longer working and I am contemplating not replacing her Jitterbug phone. She is a narcissistic evil person and is not happy unless she's causing chaos and drama in everyone else's life. She comes up with these conspiracy theories in her head which by the way may be a sign of early dementia and then she starts calling everyone and harassing them and then also telling everyone that I am doing things to her that are just crazy and not true. With all this in mind I am at the end of my rope and tired of all the chaos and drama in my house. She really has no need for a phone. She has no friends and no one ever calls her but she continues to harass people I think she gets a kick out of causing turmoil. Family members don't even call her as she has burned so many bridges in her lifetime . As a result I am contemplating not replacing her phone and telling her she can use my phone whenever she needs to make any "important" phone calls. Please give me your thoughts. Thx.

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First and foremost, don't let an "evil narcissistic" person live in your home.

I would not replace the phone.
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Great idea not to replace her phone. However, how will you feel when she starts harassing people from your phone? That sheds a bad light on you if you’re on their caller ID. Not good.
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tharrison8467 Nov 2022
She does not know how to use a smart phone. She struggled to use a flip phone. Also she says, due to her conspiracy theory mindset, that I will record her conversation if she uses my phone.
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OP, you wrote: "She is a narcissistic evil person and is not happy unless she's causing chaos and drama in everyone else's life."

"I am at the end of my rope and tired of all the chaos and drama in my house."

IMO, the phone was her vehicle/outlet to release her toxic venom onto other people. Without that outlet, where can she, a narcissistic evil person, spew her toxic garbage? My guess would be onto you and your family.

You are at the end of your rope now. Soon, where will you be?

She is not entitled to ruin your life just because she is your mother. She belongs in a facility where she can't cause as much harm to you and other people.
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Cover999 Nov 2022
She could still have her "fun" in a facility
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PS "telling her she can use my phone whenever she needs to"

NO. Get some boundaries here. Very BIG ones.
Your phone. Your use only.

Same as with toddlers.
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My thought is no phone for her and no using your phone. And no explaining or justifying your decisions
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If this is new and odd behaviors coming from mom, she needs to see her doctor for an evaluation. She can have something organically wrong with her, the onset of dementia, or any number of things. Why did you move her in knowing her personality traits are such as they are? Dementia tends to worsen ugly traits that were present all along, too. My mother was always mean and vapid, and with dementia, all that was magnified by 1000!

If you take away her phone and only let her use yours for important calls, I guarantee you she'll have An Important Call to make 24/7. You can't reason with an Elder who has dementia, and they're totally self centered and self absorbed to the exclusion of all else...like OCD on steroids.

So, my suggestion is to hide her phone for a bit, letting her think its gone, and she can use yours for important calls. See how it goes. Play it by ear. If you're ready to rip your hair out in 2 hours, give her her phone back and look into managed care of some kind for her. THEN take her phone and put in a landline.
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Mom's phone broke.

Your opinion is her phone usage has not been appropriate (to put it mildly).
If Mom was independent, she could get herself to a shop for repair or replace, be able to understand & pay the bill for a new one..

If she is not.. well then.. since you don't agree with her phone behaviour, you have no need to enable it.

Phone stays broken. End of.
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I looked back to refresh my memory about your mother, and to be blunt I'm pleasantly surprised that this is the only issue you've thought worth posting about since June.

The decision is hers to make. if she wants to replace her phone, help her to do that - only if she broke it, she pays for it.

You have to stop taking responsibility for things that are not your responsibility, and that includes her trouble-making.
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tharrison8467 Nov 2022
This is the only major issue in the past 4 months. Thanks for asking.
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When my very nice MIL went into AL she started calling people in her phone book, mostly out of boredom. Then one of her long-time friends -- who lives 5 time zones away -- contacted my husband to let him know his Mom was calling her at all hours. We erased phone numbers in her book. Should she be calling people incessantly or, in your Mother's case, to harass them.

I vote do not help her replace her phone, don't pay for it set, order it, set it up, etc. I'm not sure how she will react, but you need to think about her "victims" if she gets a new phone. Maybe you can tell her that her inappropriate calls resulted in an "anonymous" complaint to the police and if it happens even 1 more time, she'll be in bigger trouble. Therefore you will help her by placing any important calls for her with your phone, yourself. See if you can come up with some other activity to replace her idle time: doing food prep for you, cutting old t-shirts into rags that you need, folding piles of kitchen towels (not real laundry but purchased just for this purpose), sorting coins, anything. I hope you can work out a peaceful solution with her in this situation.
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tharrison8467, when was the last time your Mom was tested for an Urinary Tract Infection? Such an infection in an older person can cause exactly what your Mom is doing, plus mimic dementia.

Have your Mom see her primary doctor for an UTI test, which is fairly easy or take Mom to an urgent care as they can also run such tests while you wait. Antibiotics can help get rid of the UTI.
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