Thank you so much for your comments, they brought me to tears actually and I haven’t cried in a long long time. Your comments make me feel not so alone. Caregiving is HARD! Some of your questions and comments have made me take a hard look at this and for that thank you again. I’ve always known my father was narcissistic and I think I’ve continued on at times and accepted his behavior longing for him to love me as a father should. Being a people pleaser I feel I try to fill that void with his love and acceptance and have learned ( through therapy) and this forum that loving me is more important at times. I find it hard to accept because you don’t want to think your own family would treat you this way and especially when you bend over backwards to be their caregiver when everyone else has given up on them. Today I realized I need help not only for him but myself. That I can walk away if I choose too, or place him where he needs to be if that time comes. Thank you again for your guidance.
Guilt is self made. Have you done anything wrong that u need to feel guilty about? You can only be manipulated if you allow it.
First, at 84 your Dad needs you more than you need him. So that gives you some power. Second, boundries. What are you willing and not willing too do? What are you able to do? If the strain of caring for him is making your health problems worse, then you need to talk options with Dad. If he can afford it an AL.
First I highly suggest looking up some info on narcissistic parents, maybe it's not the case, maybe like my situation it's exactly the case. I'm working on how to deal with the situation so I am not great for an answer, but if you ever need to vent to someone who understands then I'm here. Take a deep breath, don't think about a large quantity of time and just focus on getting through today. Also.. don't feed the manipulator. I care for my grandmother and I do so making her feel loved. I do not NOT share my personal life details so she has no fuel, I don't engage in her gossip by staying Swiss with my answers ie. "as long as they are happy then that's what matters", and I have certain topics that I have told her are off limits and if she chooses to bring them up then I choose to leave immediately with no explanation or response that day and will return tomorrow. She knows those topics and that I will do so because she tested it a couple times when she has been bored.
I would sit and have an honest talk. If that didn't work, I guess I would make a decision as to whether I felt I could function with some grace and understanding or whether I could NOT. Then, having made my decision (likely to not participate in caregiving any longer) I would inform the person and assist in their placement, or leave them to deal with guilting and manipulating someone OTHER THAN ME.
I think most people on here experience this dynamic to a degree.
My mother has access to all my buttons and triggers and could and would trip them ALL if she were in a mood to do so.
I have to stand back and not be involved in her life when I feel fragile. She knew of, and allowed horrible abuse of me by my OB for years and kept it a secret because 'our family' doesn't have that kind of problem. It wasn't HIS fault, it was MINE.
She also was very jealous of the fact my daddy and I were close. She has always maintained that he 'liked me best' and so any abuse or whatever that I suffered, somehow, I deserved. Weird, I know, and it has taken years to work through the pain and self-loathing.
Today 2 of my siblings are doing a 'hoarder cleanout' at mom's. I organized it and she specifically said I could not be there. Whatever.
Accepting that at 91, she is just getting worse, is really not helpful. She's lost all filters. Whatever she thinks just falls out of her mouth.
Stay away. That's how I deal. I've gone a year without talking to her. Since she never reaches out, I'm 'safe'.
I’m going through this too. In my case, I think it’s because she has lost a lot of control in her life. But, she still has control over making me feel a certain way. It’s taken me years to get to the point where I don’t listen to her. It’s very, very hard. But, I just simply don’t listen or take anything personally.
Caregiving is HARD! Some of your questions and comments have made me take a hard look at this and for that thank you again.
I’ve always known my father was narcissistic and I think I’ve continued on at times and accepted his behavior longing for him to love me as a father should. Being a people pleaser I feel I try to fill that void with his love and acceptance and have learned ( through therapy) and this forum that loving me is more important at times. I find it hard to accept because you don’t want to think your own family would treat you this way and especially when you bend over backwards to be their caregiver when everyone else has given up on them.
Today I realized I need help not only for him but myself. That I can walk away if I choose too, or place him where he needs to be if that time comes. Thank you again for your guidance.
First, at 84 your Dad needs you more than you need him. So that gives you some power. Second, boundries. What are you willing and not willing too do? What are you able to do? If the strain of caring for him is making your health problems worse, then you need to talk options with Dad. If he can afford it an AL.
Remember, you can always walk away.
Do want to be his caregiver? Do you need more clarity over what you will & what you won't do?
Or are you wanting a part or full exit?
My mother has access to all my buttons and triggers and could and would trip them ALL if she were in a mood to do so.
I have to stand back and not be involved in her life when I feel fragile. She knew of, and allowed horrible abuse of me by my OB for years and kept it a secret because 'our family' doesn't have that kind of problem. It wasn't HIS fault, it was MINE.
She also was very jealous of the fact my daddy and I were close. She has always maintained that he 'liked me best' and so any abuse or whatever that I suffered, somehow, I deserved. Weird, I know, and it has taken years to work through the pain and self-loathing.
Today 2 of my siblings are doing a 'hoarder cleanout' at mom's. I organized it and she specifically said I could not be there. Whatever.
Accepting that at 91, she is just getting worse, is really not helpful. She's lost all filters. Whatever she thinks just falls out of her mouth.
Stay away. That's how I deal. I've gone a year without talking to her. Since she never reaches out, I'm 'safe'.
amazing you're able not to take it personally.
i'll try to do like you.
sending us courage!
bundle of joy :)