My mom screams at me when I ask if I can schedule the cable guy to replace the loose cable and potentially the cable box so she can watch TV in her bedroom. It’s been out for 2 months. Other TV's in house seem to be on wrong inputs and more, so I cannot get those working. My grown kids have Facetimed me while I am there, but no success... She screams to stay out of her biz and that she will just read. She also yells/cusses when I suggest we take her to the Podiatrist for her nail issues... yet she complains nonstop re: the pain. I tell her this is not about me controlling, but rather us checking off things on the imaginary "to do list." I try to frame it as "you will be so much more comfortable." I asked her yesterday on the phone if she was familiar with the expression of one "needing to get out of their own way." She said she had never heard that. Hard for me to not want to get stuff done for her that I know would make her more comfortable. I HATE the ways she operates, or should I say doesn’t... Super lazy mentality. She has always been like this. Horrible at keeping up her home & lives in the most GORGEOUS zip code on the ocean. I water her plants and do trash and dishes when I am there... She can do more than she is letting on. She screams and cusses at me when I suggest we hire her old cleaning gal back for twice a month or a caregiver to take her to the grocery store in the off week. She can drive the short 2 blocks (though I would never get in a car with her behind the wheel) but doesn't. Or if she goes she will only buy popcorn & candy. Nervous to be out alone. She is borderline + NPD + early onset. Meanest person I know. Do any of you make up tall tales in order to get things done that would benefit your parent? So ridiculous. I tell her to think of me as her driver. Let's get a few things done & then we can go out to lunch. The tiniest thing is such a bothersome chore-painstakingly difficult in her mind.... I go up next Friday. I dread the countdown... She is an energy vampire.
To your question - YES, it's OK to tell a therapeutic fib to help elders get what they need even if they don't know they need it.
Your profile says mom has dementia, right? Has she been formally evaluated? If not, I would get that done so you will know what you are dealing with. She is still living on her own? Since she probably has dementia, I would consider disabling her car so that she CAN'T drive.
Try not to let her sap your energy. Don't engage with her B.S. Nod and smile. Ok mom. Yup. Hmmmmm. Be vague.
If you think she is physically AND mentally capable of doing more for herself, then you can start doing less. If not, well, she needs help from someone.
I'd arrange for her cleaning lady to come back, if she's willing.
If you think the cable is important for her, schedule the guys to come when you're there and distract her. Tell her YOU want it fixed, etc.
If she has foot pain, maybe take her to podiatry instead of for a pedi.
Good luck.
Yes, Early Onset. Hits in the evenings. Most of the day it isn't there. I can detect it in some of her comments re: my Stepdad & her Great Grandson being upstairs.. Too early in the game to move her elsewhere. Better if she can live at home with Caregivers, in time. We had to move my Stepdad out year ago for his last few mos of life. We had Caregivers in home for couple mos but my Mom was a total arse & we had to move him out. Nauseating. She was such the jerk to him (he who supported her-for over 50 yrs & left her financially sound)...we aren't in a rush to spend $10K monthly to move her elsewhere...to have her be even more miserable (if that is possible)
I don't know how to edit the profile? Do I have to go thru Aging Care admin in email? Add on that she Borderline + NPD?
Doc couldn't get thru Dementia test as my Mom kept hijacking the questioning. She was nervous. Doc came outside & told me she would be kicked out of any AL sitch in 2 mins. She is irritating beyond. Way too feisty at this juncture. She should be wanting to hold onto her independence. But, it's like is in purgatory. Not cherishing independence.
Interesting idea re: disabling the car. Hmmm... Good idea for near future.. Her other car SUV had dead battery. I told her let's leave it. Too dangerous for her to drive this one. Now it is just an object, like so many other things in her home... She has enough furnishings for 3 homes.. Packrat-Hoarder... I try to toss a few things or piles of newspapers when she isn't looking...
She isn't willing re: cleaning gal coming back. Screams & cusses for me to stay out of her biz..
She needs the Podiatrist for her toenails from what she tells me, but again: yells and screams and slams her hand on her kitchen table when I tell her we can go on a Friday when I am there. I can sched an Appt.
Weirdest thing to me: to insist that I don't help her get these things accomplished. I tell her it's just to make life more pleasant. Everything is opposite day with her and refusing to cooperate makes her feel in charge.. Bizarro world.
You need to take care of you.
No one can make you feel bad about yourself unless you give them the power to do so. You are in control of yourself and your feelings.
I wish the best for you,
Jenna
You are not your moms keeper or are you in any way responsible for her care. Do you know that? Let her hire someone(with her own money of course)that she can use and abuse if she so chooses, but you my dear need to step away for your own mental health's sake.
You deserve so much better. Please know that.
And as far as lying to her, I would at this time be completely HONEST with her and let her know exactly why you are stepping away from doing anything more for her. Perhaps then and only then will she see the results of her wicked behavior. Although it sounds like she was this way all her life so please don't hold your breath that she will change.
But you can change, so start today by letting her know that you will no longer be stopping by to assist her in any way, and of course the reasons why, because like I said earlier, you deserve so much better.
I am just trying to get basics done ...so she can walk comfortably.. have her TV's back for stimulation.. She loves old movies.. and was a TV addict.. She doesn't have any friends & isn't neighborly.. She chain smokes cigars and loudly criticizes neighbors from her front patio, when they have passed by..
"You are not your moms keeper or are you in any way responsible for her care. Do you know that?" THANK YOU FOR THIS!!
"Let her hire someone (with her own money of course) SHE HAS PLENTY OF IT...that she can use and abuse if she so chooses, but you my dear need to step away for your own mental health's sake." THANK YOU ALSO...FOR THIS!!
You deserve so much better. Please know that. *MUCH APPRECIATED
*** I do have to be there twice a month. It's ME or no one...
I do it out of obligation... I can handle this & the daily phone calls (though I hate them).. You would sense my unhappiness while I am there... I show up and get things done..take her shopping..play Scrabble with her as she criticizes me the entire time..
Then she does the "love bombing" phone call when I get home and call her to say I arrived safe and sound.. HATE THE COMPLIMENTS FROM HER... FAKE...B.S.