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Sorry for the typos above. I hit submit by accident before I could proof it.

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Thanks Shesmom. That was so worth staying up for! Hope you are feeling ok. Can't you send the caregiver back to where she came from? Her attitude comes across as from a foreign country, recently. Is the slave mafia involved?
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It doesn't really sound like a caregiver needs to live in, but then I don't know.
Are you at all satisfied with the weekend aide? Maybe she wants more hours.
So sorry that you must have this added stress to your life.
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The caregiver knows that you're a sucker. She dresses seductively, and you don't do anything about it. She told you in your face that about your husband, and you didn't do anything about it. Your mom told you what she thinks about the caregiver, and you don't do anything about it. Now, she's taking things - Without A Care - because, like all the other times, you did nothing. She's starting out small and she will start taking bigger things. How far are you willing for her to go? Wow. You pay her $265 day?! And she gets to do whatever she wants in your home?

So, what are you going to do? Your mom just told you that the caregiver is outright taking what is not hers. Not even asking, but just taking. You really need to get rid of her. It's just not worth it. Maybe you need to put an ad for a wider area. Just remember to do background checks and ask for referrals and make sure to call and speak to the person. Ask specific questions about the caregiver and their caregiving techniques.

How far are you going to let her abuse your trust and your home?
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I mean this with absolutely no disrespect and I am not implying anything but asking as a clarification - you're paying her what comes to an annual salary of just over $74,000? Is she paying you any kind of room & board? Cause if not, based on the level of work you described that's one sweetheart of a deal. I have to agree with the poster who said you need to cast a broader net! In my neck of the woods you'd have applicants lined up six deep for that kind of money.
We've used two different agencies for my mom - one was crap and the other outstanding. Maybe hiring caregivers through an agency is like a box of chocolates? But it sounds like you couldn't do much worse if you tried that route again - just hide the dog!
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Shesmom, are you capable of taking care of Mom? It does not sound like a very exacting task. Do you work outside the home? My suggestion is that on Monday morning you go to the bank and withdraw 2 weeks pay in mostly large bills and make a note of the serial numbers. If you are working request 2 weeks vacation or time off. Go home and call the caregiver into a private area. Tell her she has till noon to vacate your home and you will be giving her 2 weeks pay when you are satisfied her stuff is out of the house. Have a locksmith on hand to change the locks as soon as she is gone. Type up a receipt for her to sign for the money and agreeing not to contact your family again. Give her a very non specific letter for reference. Simply state the dates she worked for you and the type of personal care she was required to give your Mom. No criticism, no comments about the way she dressed or acted towards your husband. Include your phone number so any prospective employer can contact you. Many caregivers would die for a job like you offer especially older ones. Next person you hire must supply letters from 3 previous employers, you do a full background check, specify the type of clothing to be worn on duty, if necessary supply some kind of uniform. Scrubs are not expensive but not necessarily the best choice for in home care. When i worked in peoples homes I dressed in the style of most of my patients which in our area was jeans and sweat shirts, spotlessly clean of course. Even a white coat over conservative clothing is acceptible. If it would make you feel more comfortable consult an attorney before you take action, but in the meantime do not leave anything of value lying around in the house. Make a list of the duties you expect to be performed. Specify emptying the dishwasher, folding laundry. Keeping Mom's room and bathroom and her own room clean. You can even include light house cleaning and general laundry. Any pans she uses for herself or Mom must be washed and put away. Be very specific, you can relax a bit after you get to know the new person. Believe me this is a prime job for any caregiver.
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You can state: two weeks pay in lieu of notice.
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Be sure to notify the 18 year old stepson right away whether he lives there or not, so the caregiver won't cause drama there, or have him let her in when you are not home.
Protect the dog too.
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One of the reason's I quit my corporate job was to make a difference.

I have two college degrees, which does nothing but, allow me to determine what I wish to do, and in the era when I received those there it was required with many jobs in the Banking field I was in to have those degrees. That does not define me as a person. It is a statement that I am a person that had a dream, and those two dreams were fulfilled by me.

Moving on . . . mother fell ill to Alzheimer's and I am reading much of this with sadness, and I realize I came in at the end. This is a no brainer, she is not working out, has not been working out, and Holidays are time off: I know many caregivers live in and out that paid holidays are completely up to the family.

The sadness for me is that I have been the person not living in but working 14 hour days (and this is not a pity statement, for anyone), 7 days a week, that was in 2014, and she silently passed on in October. I have since, slowed way down, and work much less, as the client literally had zero family, and I was greatly gifted by her, as in the end, the reality was she decided to put those that helped her in the last year of her life in her will. It was not about the money, it was about the honor to feel that my husband and I were the only one's that would be a part of her life, while her son's and sister were busy fighting about things far off in another state. Regardless, I never stopped loving a woman whom was in pain, crabby some days, delightful others, would fire me one day, and call me back in 5 minutes. I knew she was towards the end, why on earth would I take that personally. Yes, some said, without my Psychology Degree it would have been hard. It was a reality of life. A lesson that I will never forget and a lesson that to this day has kept me from re entering the full time care of Seniors. I do not say that negative, but as you and I all know from the caregiving standpoint, that was far too much work for one person. My husband assisted when he could. She had no one. Towards the end, as I just started to get together a team for 24 hour care, her life expectancy was towards the end. Therefore, in the end, it was my husband and I. That does not make us hero's. It was a lesson of love, laughter, (a bitter angry woman), that we learned to love because regardless she was in pain from the separation of her family, the loss of her husband, or the abandonment of her entire family, because she was sick, and very demanding and bossy. I knew her, and in a short 8 months, it is amazing how you can know someone's every moves. Regardless, I loved her, she trusted me, her accountant, and attorney trusted me, and stated countless times, that there are a few in the caregiving world like me. Again, all I am doing is making a word for those of use, that chose to do this for the "love" of it, and for the "love of caring for people".

One of the things I decided to do, after my family decided to change rotation on whom the unpaid caregiver's (in my personal family) was be a paid caregiver, private, and I am, I believe an outstanding person, I do not lie, cheat, I pass any criminal or other background check, have never or would never consider snooping, always and I mean ALWAYS listen to my clients, regardless of the job, they are the ones that are paying me, and doing things the way they want is of most importance to me. Honor, Respect, and remember at all times, this is their house.


Abuse, I have seen more abuse by family members, and I as a caregiver have called The Adult family Services because I care.

I chose to come into this business, and for the reason of this, when my mother fell ill, I looked around and saw what you are all talking about.

I have no room in my life for gossip, for being on the telephone (unless my client has a need, or would want me to call a family member), I am a professional caregiver, and would never ever think of flirting with anyone, that is absolutely not accepted, and she/he would have been out. Having a hard time finding a person, trust me, there is someone, just search farther out. I know that is easier said than done, but those like I, whom "step by step", "day by day", will show this world, that caregiving has an entirely different meaning at times than it did 50 years ago.

Please give us, the people that are really trying to love, show compassion, care for, listen, and of course, Thanksgiving is your Holiday, and if I am invited, that is my decision to decide if I am to show up, I would never think or be hurt because of a decision you decided to make with your family.
I am responsible, I have raised two boys, I have care for my lovely mother for 2 years in our home, and I have seen those that are not trustworthy, and that is why I have decided to go from a great career with great money, to something that I would not trade for the world.

To know that I am making a difference in a families life, to know that they can leave at any time, and I am the same person that is there when no one but the client is there. To know that 99% of the time (I do need a 5 minute break), I am thinking ahead of what needs to be done, in order to give the family the reassurance that I am worth every penny, and there is so much more to say, I would never think of abusing, snooping, stealing, flirting, I am a woman in my 50's happily married, and can tell the world "I really love what I do", I care about the people and truly have seen the industry where I live start to turn around. It is very hard as a caregiver, when money is gone, and the "son" is the one that took it, and she gets the blame because "why not", but I am a woman of morals, and of high ethics, and I would never have quit my corporate job, and continued on with caregiving, if I did not love it.

The "son" came forward, she took him out of the will. The truth sets people free. (my belief)

It is very sad to hear all of these people come in and totally abuse their positions, and not even listen to the people that are paying them.

I would hope that if there are caregivers out there that are reading this that have any of those defects, which are serious in my mind, be honest, look in the mirror, and walk into your employer or client, and tell them you are not meant to be a care giver, or possibly that particular position is not a good match. However my gut says, with all of the craziness of what I heard, this woman does not belong in anyone's home for any reason.
Caregivers can allow their feelings to get hurt, or do what is right, this is about human compassion, care, love, endless hours of dedication, no Skype, cell phone, flirting, and all of the other things. If I were in that position and hired someone, they would have been gone in an hour or less. I understand we all have our situations, yes but there was no one else. But if it is another person's home, and there is Thanksgiving, I would never expect live in or out, to be invited.

If I am, that would tell me that they wanted me there, but I as a Caregiver, I really believe at times, there are situations, and every situation is different when families need to be alone, or just need one occasion to be together "i get that". Possibly, that is a time, when a caregiver really needs a break.

Thank you for all who wrote to remind me, and all of the other terrific caregivers out there to keep up the good work, and to remember "step by step", "day by day", we do make a difference, and it shows.

Thank you to all for listening.

I hope we all managed to find something to be Thankful for. I am thankful for the many people that have come to love and trust me as a human being. That above anything else, is very important, especially in the world the way it is.
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Sorry you are having such a hard time finding decent help shesmom. I'm wondering why you bother with live in help at all since you and hubby are taking the night shift anyway? Surely it would be easier to find someone to come in during the day, even several different aides so that you would not be so reliant on just one, and none of them would gain that sense of entitlement that seems to plague live in companions??

As for the comments that offended you...some folks were just joking around on your thread, not really aimed at you and not trying to offend. You tend to get a little of that the longer a thread gets, people adopt it as their own and stray off topic :)
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I would like to add, that since S. I have been assisting a couple 8 hours a week. They are 95 years old with various ailments, and again, through one year of time, and being there every friday, saturday and Sunday night for three hours a night, I have made a difference.

In time, when I am ready, I will slowly add more people when I feel the time is right for me.

I was a person that became very ill due to caregiver burnout, so please all of you, you are important, very important.

My health is marvelous now.

Warm thoughts. D.
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Shesmom: I urge you to read and re-read today's postings by Veronica91, Sendme2help and Midkid. Their spot-on advice gives you the tools to simultaneously eject the caregiver and protect your family. Don't shortcut this. Take out a small loan, if that's what it takes to launch this action plan.

This might be uncomfortable for you (it would be for me). I advise outlining your action plan in writing. Beginning to end, with a pre-determined solution for every possible "if" and "but." And (I'm not joking) write your script and your answers to every conceivable wheedle/rebuttal/sob story/gaslight/fake outrage on index cards, like flashcards. Rehearse in private. Be sure to have the flashcards with you drop the hammer. Don't worry about "looking weird" with your cheat sheet. You have much bigger fish to fry.

The add'l details you supplied confirms that your caregiver is a conniver, a miscreant and a thief. She is a threat to the integrity of your home -- and probably working on your stepson already. Definitely change the locks as soon as she's gone (I mean that day).

I hope you do not need any more convincing. If you do, install nanny-cams throughout your house. Bet you'll learn even more about how much this troll is exploiting you.

BTW - speaking of cameras....if there were municipal cameras at the scene of caregiver's hit-run (or victim got photo of license plate) and victim reported the accident, caregiver was mailed a citation, at the very least. (If she caused bodily harm, there could be a warrant for her arrest). Smart money says she ignored all requests for accountability, did not pay fines, and is driving on a suspended or nearly-suspended license. Prob without insurance, too. She could very well be one moving violation away from a "re-assignment" at county lock-up.

I urge you to buckle down and do the hard work. This will not fix itself......it will worsen by the day. Good luck to you. And have faith that you will find the proper replacement. I truly believe that he or she is out there. You simply (and not-so-simply) need to Make It Happen.

Wishing you courage.
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I totally agree with "NYDaughterInLaw" regarding the uniform. Buy her the first one, (they're not that expensive) and tell her you expect her to wear this, while working with your mother. It is up to her to buy others, which you can inform her, they are tax deductible to buy, and to clean.
As-far-as Thanksgiving dinner, I don't know that I'd be comfortable with her at the table, with my husband, if she's still "flirting" with him. Especially after you've told her you're not comfortable with her actions. Your husband should also mention that he doesn't appreciate her comments, or company.
We had to hire caregivers for my mother-in-law, before she passed away. Believe me when I tell you, it's difficult to find good help ... That being said, if she continues her "flirting", I would fire her on the spot, next time. I would also inform the agency.
When my mother-in-law napped, the caregiver would sit in her room and read, crochet, listen to music with ear bud, or watch TV (with low volume). They are to stay in the room WITH her, whether she's sleeping or not. What if she wakes up and needs something? She should be there for her. She should NOT be in other areas of the house.
Good luck and God Bless . . .
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Why do some insist on treating caregivers as hired hands? They are dealing with your loved one on the most intimate level and often become attached to them. I don't get it!
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So many complaints about hired caregivers. I wonder what we would do without them! I had a caregiver regularly on Saturday for eight hours. She was absolutely wonderful and we have remained friends. Did she do thing the way I would? No. Did she help Mom the way I would? No. Did she do anything the way I would? No. I chose not to micromanage her, what she would cook what she would clean, or anything! She has her way I have mine. Did it work? Yes, it did probably because there is more than one way to do anything! The same goes with the facility that Mom is in. Would I do things differently? Yes, you bet, but I had to let it go or drive myself insane with worry. And twisteds? The way they are handling anything is appalling, but not my circus and not my monkeys!

What was important is that I enjoyed my time on Saturdays. Had I been constantly worrying about what caregiver was doing then what would be the point in having her there to begin with? I had to trust her, and did implicitly. But, I had to let go. I was not there when she was and only she can judge how to best deal with any situation that arose. And things are going to happen. Mom did not know this caregiver from Adam, it did not matter that she had been regular caregiver for a year and a half or not. What works for me does not work for her and she needed to figure that out on her own what would work the best. I trusted her and appreciated her dedication.
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There are all kinds of people out there, some bond easily and have a friend wherever they go, some guard themselves and let few into their inner circle. I don't have a personal relationship with any of the people who come into out home to care for my mom, the agency we deal with even discourages us knowing their last names (to protect their privacy). That works the other way too, if I ever became a paid caregiver I would be the one who comes in and does my job, but I would not be comfortable taking it beyond that. These people ARE employees, and strangers in our homes. For me it would take a lot of time and water under the bridge for it to expand beyond that.
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First, for a live in I think you r paying too much, or r you basing on 24 hrs.? If 8, she is making $30 an hour to pretty much babysit. In my area, RNs make that much and more. CNAs are lucky to get $10 an hour. What she is doing is stealing. I really feel for you. Its so hard to find good caregivers. I wouldn't like someone being in my house 24/7. But thats me. Sooooo, how ru going to handle Christmas? :)
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For pete's sake! $265.00 a day for a 24 hour day is very reasonable. Room and board is not considered a benefit for a live in caregiver by the IRS. It is expected to be included, as they are required to be there. While they haven't needed the help through the night yet, this cannot be put on a calendar, you cannot schedule emergencies. If this was an agency caregiver, the 24 hour rate would be considerably more. The agency we used had a 24 hour rate of $17.00/hour or $400.00 a day, that is if overnight caregiver is able to get five hours of sleep. If not, the rate is $20.00 a hour. Again the rate will increase if there are frequent trips in the night, and can go to $24.00 an hour. And these rates are based on three caregivers, each taking an eight hour shift so overtime is not involved. And want them for a holiday, the rate is time and a half. An eight hour day for a caregiver, not possible! Start at 12 hours, then increase from there based on need.

In my area RN's are billed at $70.00 an hour.
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I think she is there all night for her not them. She lives 30/40 miles away with no car. Where do you live. My daughter would love to make $70 an hour. :-)
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They are billed at $70.00, they probably make half that.overhead. caregivers are billed at $20.00 and make about half that.
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Shesmom, you do not want the caregiver at your Thanksgiving table? Yet you don't seem to want her spending time in her room on any other day? Do you see why there is a problem with this? Are you witholding income taxes and paying disability, unemployment, medicare, social security and all?
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She did invite her but...she told her she had the day off with pay. I think that is generous.
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I agree with "Midkid" ... Do some interviewing while she's still working for you. But this time I would do some background checks on potential aids. A lot of agencies say they do, but they don't.
Also, I don't know what state you're from, but here in NY, (where everything is expensive), the aids we had were barely making $15 an hour, and no health insurance. You're paying way too much.
Maybe look into other agencies, also check with some local nursing homes if they have any recommendations regarding a different agency. I think the social workers there would have a better idea of who to use.
Good luck . . .
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My husband and I truly appreciate everyones contributions to our caregiving issue. We are mullying over everything. We have spoken with 2 other agencies. We will seriously consider all suggestions. Unfortunately, like the first and second agency we used they dont allow pre-interviews. You tell them very specifically what you want and dont want and they send you whomever they have available at that time. That was why we had such problems. They have to be comfortable with a large dog. 6 of 8 hated and were scared of dogs. Cannot smoke at all due to extreme allergies and asthma and even on clothes will trigger severe attack. Would go out to smoke at door. Cannot take my mothers things-all of last years Christmas gifts that were "put away" were stolen. The list goes on and on. So its a "poop shoot"

Both my husband and I work and need to work full time. I have taken 4 years to build up my practice and cannot take time off, except when I need to get her to doctors appointments.

Thank you again everyone. I know I have not ackowledged everyone individually but please know you are thanked!
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Oh sendmehelp I missed your posts 3 days ago! Just saw them and laughed out loud! Thanks, I needed that. Hugs to you!!
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Where do you live? Maybe someone would have some recommendations for you.
If you're from Long Island, New York, let me know. Maybe I can help you.

Good Luck and God Bless . . .
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Oh thank you, no we are in the midwest. Thank you for the blessing, to you as well☺
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Do we need to have a caregiver at thanksgiving table?
No longer, but how about for Christmas? Valentine's day? Easter? Or even next thanksgiving?
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Shesmom, update? Have u discussed Christmas yet?
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Going back to the first page, I suggest "It needs to be done this way", rather than "I need" or "I want you to do it this way".

I think it could take the element of personal rebellion out of the immediate interaction.
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