Do I take my mom to my house or let the family struggle on their own?

Place your mother in an AL facility instead of your home. Her needs are beyond your level of care. Our other readers have offered good advice. Get your life back and just be her daughter/son instead of a caregiver.

Jen418: Do not move her in with you. Ergo, your "family is addicted to suffering."

Act according to what the situation is now. If other family members are not helping you now, don't expect help in the future. Talk with your spouse about this decision and how your lives will change. Talk about how together you will help your mom. Also talk about how you will manage health issues of your own or the need for time off for vacation.

As long as you are there dealing with all of it, they won't do anything. You have solved their problem. Do what you need to do, without asking/consulting them...whether putting your Mom in care or taking her home. Just be aware that being at your home is easier for you, but it still is not easy. Hope that you have powers of attorney for health and finance!
Good luck. Remember to take care of yourself, too.

Don’t move your mom in with you. Move her to a facility. She will be safer and cared for and if you can find a place convenient to you and the family, everyone can visit as often as they’d like.

Dont let the family bully you or guilt you. You said yourself you still have a life to get back to. Get back to your life before it’s too late. If others in the family feel like they could do a better job, let them, and don’t look back.

Of course your mom doesn’t want to move. It will be brutal at first wherever you move her. Therefore move her to a facility where you at least have a chance at getting back to your life and she has a chance of decent care.

Good luck and keep us posted.

SouthieBella has described it accurately. I am the only surviving child (62 yrs old) and was trained from childhood to do what Mom wants in any and everything. It just about killed me. It took my own daughter to convince me that I was ruining my health for a person who wouldn't be bothered if I died before her. If you want to be the next living sacrifice, have at it.

It sounds to me like you have no idea what you are getting yourself into by moving mom in to your home! It is not a wise idea!

You say you have a life to get back to. And the people who have been taking care of mom say they can't do it any more.

If you have loads of patience, and can put your life on hold for an undetermined period of years, and you truly desire to learn to become a full time caregiver, changing diapers, bathing, dressing your mother, making her food, possibly feeding it to her, and getting her out of bed as needed, so you can spend time with your mother because you love her so much, it would be a labor of love, then, by all means, consider moving her in to your home.
Because that is what it will become. Consider carefully before you act.

My sister and i have taken on that responsibility of caring for my 97 yr old mother in my mother’s home. Sister lives out of state but we change off every 2 months. Its been about 7 yrs or so. My Dad had provided the necessary income for her financially, we have a healthcare worker come in M-F from 9-2pm. Sister and i are both retired. We have had issues but they are manageable. I had animals so i returned home daily (15 min away) to care for them. Not good quality of life for them. Sister lives in Kauai w/ husband. She comes up for medical needs often. It can work if you have family involved too. Social life is practically non-existent. But her granddaughters are very close to her and visit 1-2 times a week. And of course we get invited to family events. They help w her wheelchair and walker and sometimes her great-grandchildren will come and pick her up. This is a cultural thing for my family. We take care of our kupuna. I would feel horrible to see her in a facility. Things will change as time goes on. And we may need to make a new plan. All is not lost. Some can rise to the occasion and make it work. Wish us luck!

Jen, to me this reads as you arrived & saw struggle. You decided to act & take the lead. Decided to take Mom home with you.

The other family members however, (whoever they are) + caregjver (?) were not content to follow this new plan.

Your situation is now a stalemate. Not permitted to lead. Not happy/able to live in & follow their lead.

Only option left seems to be to step back out.

Leave your phone number for if they wish to call a family meeting & work together to find a longer term sustainable plan.

Coz that's the aim - a good plan for Mom, right? That should stay the focus - the care plan (not family clashes).

Sometimes it takes a step down in health for the caregivers to accept the plan has to change. Sometimes the health crises happens to the caregiver, not the care recipient. If you can, stay open to working with them then.

In the meantime, I'd kindly suggest having a really good chat with yourself. Ask yourself why you want to take Mom home.
Why you?
Why your home?
How would you do it differently to what is being done now?
Who would be in your care team?
What happens after care needs blow out past a home setting?

Finally, is your plan a solid practical care plan? Or heart-felt gut reaction?

My first question is, "Who has your Mom's Healthcare power of attorney? Only one person should be making healthcare decisions on behalf of your mom. If she can't, then her healthcare power of attorney should. If nobody, the first thing you need to do is convince her to have it done so that you or whoever has the legal power can make decisions on her behalf when she is unable to. If you explain that you are not legally permitted to help her unless you have a healthcare, she will probably go along with it.

Secondly, do you live in a state with "Filial Responsibility Laws? Based on your description, your Mom needs 24/7 care for her safety. If your state has Filial Responsibility laws, you and all of your siblings are financially responsible for her care expenses as well as insurinbg her safety. If your siblings were aware of that, they might be less inclined to give advice from the peanut gallery. Likewise, if your mother believes in order to stay in her home, she must have around the clock paid caregivers, i'm betting she woulld be happy to move in with you.

How much do you love your mother? It doesn’t sound like you are close with your sibs. Just know that it is a Very hard job. It is normal for them to complain because all caregivers need to vent. Rather than uprooting your mom and possibly making your sibs angry, give them encouragement and acknowledge what they are doing!

Mom needs to be in a facility, not in anybody's home.