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My mom has been under in home hospice care since October. She held her own until last week, took a dramatic down turn and passed away. My dad has alzheimers but he understood everything that day and was heart broken, especially when the funeral home came for her body. It was heart breaking. They had been married for 69 years.
The next day he doesn't remember mom died and asks me periodically during the day when she is going to get to come home. ( i am assuming he thinks she is in the hospital- she had a lot of stays there the last few years). I just tell him I am not sure.
We are planning Mom's memorial service and now I am torn. Do I bring him? Is it just being mean to make him realize she is dead? I am leaning toward not bringing him and just have family and close friends come back to the house when it is over. Thoughts?

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It was common to have visitation the night before for a couple of hours and then again an hour before the service. COVID has changed how funerals are handled. My Mom passed in 2017 at age 89. All her siblings and spouses were gone as were most of Dads, except one sister who was in a NH. Cousins scattered. So I had only the visitation before the service and that was for just an hour. I would go this way with you Dad.

I would also ask the minister officiating, to keep it short. None of that people standing up telling stories about Mom. I would not take him to the gravesite. (But then, you could just have a graveside service) Have someone watch him until u return and have the luncheon. Also, he may need this person to take him home if the luncheon gets too much for him.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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We took my MIL to FILs funeral. She went to the visitation the night before as well. She died a month and a day after him. They both had dementia. She did forget from time to time but there were no problems. People are comforted by one another at a time like this.
But I agree with Alva, you will know what to do.
I’m sorry for the loss of your mom.
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Reply to 97yroldmom
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It’s not wrong to bring him if he will be able to participate meaningfully , of course, it depends on the particulars of his situation.

None of us know the right answer, of course. My own thoughts: I agree with Fawnby if his memory is very poor. he and both won’t remember, and can’t prepare, he will re-experience the loss freshly right there during the memorial, which may be wrenching, yet not recall later. It may also be difficult and stressful for you to avoid focusing on managing him and his emotions, rather than on the other attendees and the fond memories/shared grief that is the purpose of the service.

I understand it doesn’t seem right for him to not be a participant, so perhaps it could be another way – you could have a small formal remembrance with just him and a few other family rather than at the full service.
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Reply to Rumbletown
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Personally, yes I would try to bring him if he seems to want to go.
You know your dad and his situation MUCH better than we do and I trust you to make the best decision on this that you can. There are no guarantees on how this will go and I know that you already know that.
My condolences out to both you and your dad in this loss.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Your inclinations are correct. It makes no sense to keep bringing him back to losing his beloved wife. One of the blessings of dementia is being able to forget that which is painful to remember.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your mother.
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