Due to the great help on this site, I finally, at age 48, established boundaries with my father, 85 with parkinsons/ dementia /lifelong narcissism, and my 83 year old mom, who was always emotionally abusive to me and has terrible arthritis. She continues to pretend she can care for my dad at home (although she does have night help). Yesterday, I broke my own rules (which I've learned through this forum) and went to see them alone. From the second I walked in, I knew it was a bad idea. My dad got frozen in place, and couldn't move forward. I was watching as his legs trembled and stood ready to break his fall. My mom wasn't around, which is common. He finally got going and my mom appeared. As I laid out the food, my dad starting pounding the table. My mom screamed from the kitchen, where she was hobbling around, "Stop it, right now You're being a pain in the ass." I just looked at her and calmly said, "This is ridiculous. I can't believe he's living here." Then she yelled at me, "Then just don't come around anymore if you can't handle it. This is reality." I should have walked out then, but didn't. As we "ate," i.e. my dad can't really chew yet has a binge eating disorder due to growing up in poverty, I asked my mom for her social security number because I wanted to set her up on the online healthcare portal system of her doctor. I'm allegedly their POA. She hasn't seen a doctor in years, and her memory is seriously, seriously not good. I've accepted we're in dementia territory or, if we're lucky, maybe she just needs an antidepressent (which she doesn't believe in). Her previous doctor retired, so I said, "Let me make an appointment for you. Do you want a female doctor or a male doctor?" And she jumped down my throat and said she'll ask her friends who they see. She's been saying that for two years. Then my dad decides he's still hungry so my mom says, "Let me get you some cheese." She hobbles away to get it and when she returns, I said, "Remember, dad shouldn't be eating cheese." And she said, under her breath but I heard it (I just hope my dad didn't), "Let him eat what he wants. The sooner he dies the better off I'll be." Ouch. I get she may think that. It's normal to think that. But does she have to say it out loud in front of me and my dad? I stayed and fixed their tv and computer, then when I left, she was sitting at the kitchen table stewing in misery. My dad asked how my sister was, and I said, "I don't know. She doesn't call me because she's too busy drowning in misery." My mom said, "Oh you have it all figured out, don't you? I guess your sister and I just have it all wrong because we live in reality." I said, "Reality is what you tell yourself it is in your head." Then I added, "Believe it or not, mom. I say these things and try to get you to a doctor because I love you." And she rolled her eyes. Ouch. I left. My question is - do I take her up on that offer to not go by anymore? And do I make her a doctor's appointment? She needs an antidepressent at the very least. I can call the doctor ahead of time with my concerns. I was thinking I'd write my mom a letter with the date and time of the appointment and the doctor's number so she can cancel it, along with one line like, "I hate to see you suffer so much. Please talk to a doctor about your mood."
I'm in agreement with everyone else. If mom says to not come back here, I would take her up on her offer. Turn them over to APS and be done with it.
Next, I would take a hard look at what your expectations are with them versus the reality of the situation.
You called it. Call APS and even ask the police to do wellness checks on them.
They'll notice how they live and will take action.
You're putting a lot of your own effort into delaying the inevitable with no result except exhaustion and putting your own self in danger.
Speaking as someone who went to endless lengths--time, money, management--- to prolong my mom's life and keep her safe, the end result was to keep her alive only to have her slip into bitterness and depression and total dependency, along with costly care.
If I'd let her live her life without constantly interfering she would have dropped dead being relatively happy from aFib 6 years ago on the kitchen floor. Instead, all my devices and safety features like a call button prolonged her life. They took away from my own life by my refusing to travel anywhere but to visit my mother for many years (which affected my husband).
I was trying to keep her safe and alive and in the process (again--only to wind up dependent and in a costly facility), I almost killed myself with stress and ripped joy from myself and my family.
As for addressing mood disorders...Not so easy with younger folks--very difficult with elderly. We are talking about not just chemical but lifelong patterns once of which is abusing the people closest to you (happens to me).
My biggest challenge now may be similar to yours: To accept that life has a painful emotional end for those who don't deal with their issues earlier on, before it becomes impossible to do so, and to not let their sadness destroy my joy. I can love myself--and them-- enough to let them be who they are --even if it is sad or miserable. Life is so very difficult for others, but I cannot change that. Take it from someone farther down the road--I tried.
My only, best solution is to allow myself to experience joy and not take on others' sadness. I can then be more helpful to others' who truly want my help.
Good luck to you. I hope you can continue to let go and don't get caught up in the type of mess I am on now for being overly solicitous trying to keep someone alive. I know that sounds harsh but my mom is not a 10 yo or 45 yo. She will not change. I regret all I did to try to make everything perfect for her only for her to suffer more. All I can do is learn from it.
Just reading you, makes it so clear you’re a very nice person.
By the way, you wrote:
“I regret all I did to try to make everything perfect for her only for her to suffer more.”
Believe me, since you’re such a very nice person (your writing radiates it), if you had chosen any other path (helping your mom less), you would have felt bad and really regretted it. You might not even have been able to live with yourself. Some people have to live with guilt all their lives. You don’t.
(Ventingisback)
You are still in danger if you board this train.
On board, you can be trapped. Be abused, be accused of interferring when you are trying to help.
Staying stepped back is safer for you. From there you can alert others when the crises happens. Not if - when.
I get you want to help, do something! They seem so precarious!
Myself, when the feeling to swoop in to help bubbles up, I feel it, then let it subside again. I knownot's pointless. Instead, I remember my mantra.
Advise them.
Let them decide.
The consequences will be theirs.
At this point Dad probably needs LTC. If ur parents have assets, they need to be split. Dads split goes to his care in a LTC facility. When it starts to run out, he applies for Medicaid. Mom becomes a Community spouse remaining in the home, getting enough of their monthly income to live on and a car. I am just giving the basics, an Elder Lawyer can help and give more info.
You know stress does a lot to the body. My Dad was a pain to live with at times. They were in their late 70s when Dad pushed the wrong button. I thought my Mom was going to have a stroke. She said at the time "When you take those vows, they don't tell you one day you both will be old and your tired of their s_ _ t." My Dad retired at 52 with heart problems. Mom had waited on him hand a foot for 25 yrs. Yes, she made that monster.
You cannot force your parents to do anything. I might call Office of Aging and see if they can evaluate ur parents situation. Sometimes a stranger can get thru better.
You make a very good point. Sometimes the "monster" or "brat" is of our own making.
Never wait on a child or adult hand and foot. All people should do for themselves on whatever level they're capable.
Many times a person who is elderly, sick, or handicapped will resent being forced to do for themselves because there are people who want to be babied like an infant and expect it. That doesn't do them any favors though. All it does is strip them of whatever independence and dignity they may still possess.
I've taken my share of insults, resentment, and abuse from clients (and my mother) for refusing to baby them by waiting on them hand and foot.
I won't do it. I never did and I never will.
A baby is supposed be babied. Not an adult.
Really, can she be expected to be a smiling ray of sunshine scattering flower petals all over the place while singing 'Zippedy-Do-Dah'?
Secondly, are you a psychiatrist? If the answer is 'no' then you're really qualified to decide whether or not someone needs an anti-depressant. Your mother has a miserable and depressing life. "Meds" can't fix that. She's also from the 'stand by your man' generation. People their age stayed in miserable marriages.
Thirdly, if my grown child ever approached me and suggested I see a doctor about my "mood", he'd get a slap in the face from me. Then his father would probably give him one too.
You do not do the caregiving for your father, or your mother. So you really have no right to suggest anti-depressants for your mom's "mood".
I want you to put yourself in your mother's place for a minute. You're a care slave. How would you react if your adult child suggests see a doctor for your "mood"? I don't imagine you'd be very pleased.
Don't overstep and make a doctor's appointment for her. If you really want to help, get a sitter for your father one afternoon and take her out to lunch. Then ask her how can you help.
Tell her plainly, that you will listen to complaining, but you will listen to concerns and that you want to help. If you don't want to, don't offer to.
If your mother takes you seriously she will open up and let you help. If she doesn't want to, don't force it.
Many times out elders have to learn the hard way about accepting help. They have to have change forced on them because someone has a fall or an accident.
Their stubbornness and denial is not your fault. If she doesn't want help from you, then you can't give it.
So I'm printing a retraction.
'Tell her plainly that you will NOT listen to complaining, but you will listen to concerns and that you want to help'.
AC needs to put back the edit option.
1. Your mom isn’t depressed. Anyone in her situation would be unhappy. Imagine she takes a pill? Then what? All the other problems are still there. DH who can’t walk well, chew well, etc.
2. Your mom doesn’t need AD. By the way, AD isn’t innocent without any side-effects.
3. What your parents need are solutions to the actual problems.
4. You said you have POA. If possible, hire in-home caregivers. Lie: tell them APS contacted you, and if you (POA) don’t hire help, you (POA) (or if you prefer you can say mom/dad) will get into big trouble by APS.
5. Your mom’s memory problems are due to dementia starting. Please don’t be in denial. Her memory problems aren’t due to depression. She might be depressed, sure, but she’s also starting to have dementia.
6. She’s not that depressed, since she clearly wants to live. She’s not suicidal. In fact, she just knows her life would be easier without your dad. Right, it wasn’t nice at all for her to say that.
7. She might not want to see a doctor, because she’d afraid you might try to use it against her: get her declared dementia/incompetent in the future, and force her into a facility.
8. As a conclusion: try to hire in-home caregivers, OP.
Don’t ask for permission. She’ll just say no.
Bring some caregivers to the house. I had interviews with potential caregivers at my mom’s house. Eventually, even my mom joined in the interviews to ask questions. Then I let my mom choose which caregivers she liked best.
It is hard to deal with Parkinson’s.
I take care of my husband with PD and I am decades younger than your mother.
And I have all the help and my husband with PD, no dementia, requires really little bit of help.
And he gets physio, if required very intense, which helps.
And he gets stuck, that is PD, falls will happen no matter what, there are some techniques to prevent it, but, nothing is 100%.
And he eats cheese sometimes.
And I am sure cheese is not going to kill him as Parkinson is not going to kill him. People die with PD not of PD.
Don’t diagnose your mother, help her by arranging respite or physio for your Dad, or anything you deem appropriate.
It is easy to criticize somebody, yet caring for someone with Parkinson’s is hard as this cruel disease changes so being emotionally exhausted is quite common.
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