Does anyone else deal with depression from being a primary caregiver?

I've tried of being understanding when no one else seems to care....I love my mother more than I love myself, its just heart-breaking to see such a strong person give up on life. I've been taking meds of and on for a few months and somedays I find myself drinking just so I can fall asleep without worrying about how to pay for meds, cost of living and her funeral. I'm only 36yrs and don't know what to do ....as I type to you I feel blank and alone because none of my siblings seem to grasp the fact that she doesn't has that much longer and she doesn't have any insurance to cover anything and I've been unemployed and taking care of my mother for almost a year ...I'm only surviving on child support and now we're about to be homeless becaise the home that we've been renting for 5yrs is going up for Sheriff sale in a matter of weeks.wtf. I try not to cry but this is too much, so little time and no one who truely cares.

lock the dog up in another room when u know that somebodys comin over . so things can go well for you and get a break and have a time for yourself .

Hi I know how you feel Miz, I too take care of my mother who has end stage Parkinson's Disease. It is not an easy task to do. Guilt I'm afraid is something that for some of us was imbedded into our very life from the time we were children. My parents both born in Europe always preached to me, being I am a girl, about respecting your parents and along with respect is to care for them if need be. If you do not care for them, then you are some how ungrateful, unappreciative of all they have done for you. For myself, it is very difficult not to feel guilt if I were to place my mother into a nursing home, or even have another person care for her. I just don't know how to turn the guilty felling off. I even neglect my health. For the depression I take Zolof, it does help. I feel as if I am sacrificing my life for hers. I have one brother who does take her from Fri night until Sun. afternoon. But I work, so it just frees me up to work, no time for myself. And even if I try to get someone to come in and help, the dog doesn't like anyone in the house, and will most likely bite her, so it's just a loosing battle!

Big hugs to you, Tom, for rising above the level you were treated by your mom. I guess we all have issues from our pasts, me included. No, my mother didn't do heinous things to me, but I was the older of two girls and was responsible for the household when Mother was working and while Dad was on the road (truck driver). So even though she wasn't severely abusive, I have memories of being wronged, misjudged, taking the fall for the little sister, being kept from enjoying the things my sister got to do when she was the age I missed out on... all the things that parents do without even knowing they're doing them.

I haven't made any entries here since I joined this group in February. My mother's final illness was very fast-growing and I literally had no time to get online or to even make a phone call. She passed away on March 12. I wouldn't have wanted to missed the opportunity to help her and be here for her, even though she sometimes behaved as if I wasn't measuring up to her expectations. But I know for a fact that unless we've been in someone else's shoes, we really don't know how we would feel if we were in that position. I've never been 78 and dying from cancer and in pain from severe rheumatoid arthritis. I've never been married to my dad who can test the patience of a saint. I haven't lived the life my mother lived. But I can say with a clear conscience that I did everything in my power to make her life comfortable and to allow her to pass away with as much peace that God and I could allow. And I will miss her.

Though this doesn't apply to all, I have found a site which is very helpful. Search "Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers". It doesn't of course deal with the caregiving angle, but its forums are good support .
I am off to a very nice place to housesit for a week, mother is furious and being her most wounded self, but I'm so happy to be getting away!

A lot of us that are responding to this thread seem to be talking about the fact that have had negative experiences in childhood, myself included, and that the resentment for caring for those responsible for that pain is what is so difficult to overcome. I was lucky(?) in that I chose to take mom out of the nursing home that she was so miserable in. I think that is why I can cope so far; I'm trying to put aside the anger and forgive. It makes it easier to forgive when I can plainly see how pathetic and dependent mom is on me now. and I am deliberately being the type of caregiver that she was not. I honestly believe that as hard as this is and despite breakdowns, and my complaints, I may actually be finally able to grow past my past now. I AM going to win this. Time IS on my side.

Every day of my life... I have been off and on meds for years and my mother just thinks I'm crazy it hasn't and won't occur to her that most of it is caused from her. I deal with lots of anxiety and panic attacks. I'm sure when this role is said and done, I'll be said and done. It's the reality of it.
Try and address it as soon as you can, it probably won't go away, as long as you caregive. Guilt is a common trait of caregivers' depression.

Gracie, just to take one of your sentences above one step futher.

When Mommy and Daddy had us as little kids, they had their own lives to live as well and they did, so why shouldn't we as adults now having to be like a parent to our aging parents?

Keep doing what you are doing. Getting away is not a bad thing, just remember that we felt the same way when we were kids and didn't want Mommy and Daddy to go anywhere. Have fun when you are out so that when you return to her, she can see the smile on your face and it just makes her feel good too. I too am struggling with the same but I have learned to ask for more help from my brothers, or I should say I "make a command" so that they have to follow through. It's been working :) Stay strong Mizz, you're awesome.

Guys, I just wanted to thank you all again. I've actually started wearing my own w(h)ine patch. It's just a bandaid that I stuck on my upper arm and when things start getting rough I find my other hand going to gently rub it, which makes me think of the hugs you guys give, and reminds me that I'm NOT alone in all this. A small comfort, but hey, any port in a storm, right Pirategirl?

I haven't written in a couple of weeks because we were househunting in Colorado. The trip went well and the break away from my mother was nice... BUT..my husband had a bad fall and broke his neck. He is already living in Colorado with his daughter until school is out, so he is recuperating at her house for now and doing well!
So, I had to tell my mother why we were going to be a couple of days late getting home. She went BALISTIC, why did we let this happen? Why were we doing somthing so dangerous? (we were hiking btw) She want's me home. How dare I not come home immediately (even though my husband was in the hospital with a broken neck!) on and on and on - I'm so terrible cuz I didn't just leave him the hospital to get home to her.....
So, now I'm home. I went over to her place today to do her meds, get groceries, etc... She started in immediately on how I'm so mean, I and my family hate her, NOW after 11 years of begging us to go back to Colorado, she doesn't want to go. I told her fine, she can stay here, but we are going since my husband has a job there and quit his job here in Arizona, we have no choice but to go...
How dare I say such a thing to her!! I am so mean to say such a thing - she even told me she would die if she moved back to Colo and don't I even care about that! (well, what do you all think?)
Anyway, even with all the stuff going on with my husband, it was still all about her (as usual). I'm working hard on the FOG issues and trying to get past them. I do as much as I can for her, but then I walk away. I walked away from her today as she was screaming at me about how mean I am. I just can't take her abuse any more. No matter what I say or do or how hard I try to make her happy. She wants something different, or I said it in the wrong way, or I didn't react in the manner she expected or wanted me to....
OK - same story different day - at least I can vent here to you guys and I really appreciate that!

shoot I have been to 2 doctors just for some lousy valium to help me sleep (when I can) but no...they think I need lithium..
I have post traumatic sdisorder and insomnia plus anxiety. guess the anxiety helps me get stuff done..but i hate not sleeping. They say I am too young for valium and I will get addicted! and I'm 47!! I just need some sleep to help me deal with all of this!!

you aren't alone. My life has also been completely upheaved. I am scared I will loose my job, and no way mom and dad have enough money for nursing home or stuff..it helps me alot to realize I am not alone either. I have mini melt downs after I get on here and read posts. hugs to you.

I understand completely imy mother has pancreatic cancer and diabetes along and pretty much disabled , my siblings (4 ) don't lift a finger until I have a melt down . Last month alone she was hospitalized 3 times and had at least 10 appointments ....I ask myself everyday why no one understands that I need a break , its to the point that if I get sick my 15yr son has to help out and this isn't fair to him or myself. I feel guilty on daily basis and if I'm not feeling guilty I'm depressed because I never have enough alone time. I wish I had a magic wand that could erase the guilt and depression but I don't all I have now is this forum which has help me realize that I'm not alone

RebeccaLynn,

Wow!, your situation sounds overwhelmingly depressing.

What are your mother's health needs?

Why did she come to live with you and yiour husband 6 years ago?

How is your husband handling this?

What are your mother's resources for and is it even possible for her to live in independent or assisted living.

To me, it sounds like more is going on with this depression than only grieving the past life you once had. It sounds to me like you feel hopless and are anxious about being in this situation with your mother from which escape might be difficult? It also seems that your mother's verbal abuse has enslaved you into the F.O.G. What I'm hearing is that she's made you a bit fearful of her; obligated to keep her in your home and keept putting up with her critical argumentativeness; and guilty for even wanting a life or thinking about how her care could be different as well as maybe some fear about not only your own heatlh, but possibly your marriage?

I think it is a good idea for you to see a doctor and get some anti-depression or anti-anxiety meds. It would also help to see a therapist. Also, you and your husband, if you haven't already, need to have a serious discussion about this entire situation; how it's impacting each of you, your marriage (probably); and your mother in terms of what does she need now that would provide her with good care and saftey but not destroy you in the process. If it were me, speaking as a husband, I would be fed up with a MIL who was so verbably abusive, and feel like my wife had been totally taken away by her mother (which BTW, I have both felt this and dealt with it in my own marriage).

I could have written this. I know the feeling very well. It's been six years for me. My husband, me and my mother all live in the same house. I coped for the first couple of years and then the depression it. I believe that edvierajr was the commenter that said you are grieving for the life you once had and have now lost. I agree with that. I don't recognize myself anymore. I never go out. In fact, I guess I have become somewhat agoraphobic. I want the old me back. The best thing I can tell you is that if you need to talk, I'm here and willing to listen. People just can't understand what it's like unless they've been through it, so it's nice to have someone to vent to that's in the same situation.

Auntlaurie,

Please don't hate yourself for wanting your life back. That's normal. The self-hate, guilt and resentment that I hear going on is directly connected to those triggers you mentioned. Abusive parents have a way of making their children feel self-hatred and gulty for even wanting their own life for they program them to be more attentive to the parent's needs to the point of doing nothing for the child's needs except using them for their own dominating neediness.

Personally and professionally, I would say that you definitly need counseling to help you with this delima. The kind of issues being dealt with here are not resolved by prayer and friendships alone as helpful as they are.

Your family is obviously more concerned about themselves than your mom or that she was abusive which makes it very difficult for you to care for her which is totally understandable and normal and by their actions they are being abusive as well.

What a bold move for them to move take over her house without even dicussing this with you. I assume they are sending her the rental money?

Who has durable and medical POA? If they don't have durable POA, then they don't have the legal authority to rent her house out.

Is your famiy holding her money under their control so that you and your husband have to foot the whole bill? What kind of resources if any does your mother have?

My mother came for a visit two years ago and had a stroke. My family was thrilled it happened here and they promptly said she could not return north as they could not take care of her. They rented out her place and we get a phone call every few months. The cost of day care is astronomical. She can not be left alone. The worst is the guilt and resentment because I want my old life back. I hate myself for being so selfish. Mom was an abuser so my life is filled with triggers from my past. Prayer has helped and the 1005 support from my husband and friends. I miss my grankids who live in different states and find I can no longer afford to fly off to see them. Mom's care cost about $60 @ day. Lucky for me I am a teacher and my job is a delight.

Serekia it is a b**** I have only been on "the job" for around a hundred days, and close to the job since 2000. Why do we do it? I of course can only answer this, I have been in a ton of nursing/assisted living places and saw hundreds of seniors lined up in wheelchaires along the isles, I don't want that for my mom, though there are days when I think she would be better off with a kindly nurse Ms. Rachett. Hang in there.

I'm depressed or completely lost ..I love my mother dearly but watching slowly die for the pass year is too much...and not working for a year and focusing on her damn near 24/7 is driving me insane and no one wants to give me a break . All i need is a weekend to myself , its gotten to the point that i had to get medication from my physican to cope.....

My mom loves art, do you want her? She has had her shots.

Dburns you lost your job? that is what frightens me at the moment. I get much relief from this site! We are not alone for sure! Pirategal..omg..that is what both M&D would say "Art will get you nowhere in this life" "you need to find a good man to take care of you" blah blah blah. "your going to burn in hell" was always a favorite :)..I graduated early from high school and had worked since I was 15 (all started with lunch room duty lol). so I ran away the night I got done with school.
raised two kids for 17 years on my own, and LOVE art!!
ya,D&M I love art and i am 100 % sure i wouldn't make a living on it lol! I love modge podge (i am way behind the times)
TGIF

I understand what you are going through, my husband and I are taking care of his mom, or should I say I am taking care of her. At times it seems like there is not light at the end of the tunnel, it only gets longer. He has a large family and none of his brothers or sisters help out, they do all live out of town but some times we all need a break. Prayer is the only thing that keeps me from going crazy, especially since I lose my job last year and I have no other venues of excape.

Karen...gee are we sisters?....lol...I took off when I was able to at 20. I knew it was only smart to leave when I had funds (had been working since 19 (and of course the place daddy dearest wanted me to work his workplace)...my b/f at the time called me at work and said he found an apartment for 400 bucks and that was it. I paid the first and last (he never worked a full day in his short life)...and grabbed blankets, pillows and comforters and my stereo and I was out the door. They were stunned I did it so fast. I was miserable living at home ever since I was 16 coming of age so to speak. I hated living there. I shut myself up in my room all the time...would take dinner in there..had nothing in common with my parents. They never got involved with me...I kinda took care of myself made sure I took the tough classes in high school and then college. My father had squeezed the notion out of my head about art. "ART IS NOT A JOB"..I always heard even that is what my heart wanted to do since I was young. Yep I took off and never went back these 30 years. Cept now she would LOVE it if I moved in...but we will see...taking one day at a time still.


Oh any my father kept a grudge about me moving out at 20...he called it RUNNING AWAY...yeah running away at 20..yeah running away from HELL.

Lets just say this right up front, my mommy is nuts. And yes I had a fairly good upbringing, and as you all know this is difficult beyond difficult. And what i said yesterday was in a fit of life zen @$%^. Today, she needs to go stay at a zoo.

That is why I ran away at 17 and stayed away for 25+ years..I could never raise my own kids around their degrading critisism, smacking and harsh words..ironic how I am in this position now. Maybe my 5 other siblings feel like it's my turn?They all seem to be very friendly with the folks, on the RARE occasion they are around.. I never caused them grief from far away, and always kept in touch. Of course M&D pretend (or do they forget??) the younger years. Maybe they are glad I don't bring it up. So far nothing too ugly has reared its head on me, yet I often wonder if it will..as they call me by my sisters name constantly, sometimes I wonder if they really know that it's me, not my sisters?? Oh so much to think about and so much to prepare for...maybe deep inside they feel bad for how they treated me in my childhood?? They are so frail I can't bear the thought of hurting their feelings by bringing anything up. Besides, alot of it I have put to rest and come to terms with..oh my maybe I am my own worst enemy..thinking all of this stuff

blade bravo if you can do it on your own....


many of us did not have a nice childhood with these folks and a lot of that raises it's ugly head,,,cause it's like a worsened continuation...also some of the parents here are so pyhsicaly declining that it's almost impossible to take care of them inside the home any longer

Thank God I have saved my computer from the kitchen sink! (where mom decided it needed to go ) And Mom may NOT eat dried pasta, just saying. I also believe that as crazy making as it is here I am doing the right thing, And yes, confusion (mine) and depression (no s@@@) is there. This has cost a lot, but at the end of the day I feel ok, and then I put on the wine patch.

When I start to feeli depriessed I remember all the time she spent raiseing me and there is no way in ----- I would allow any one else to care for her tell the end.It makes me fell better knowing she will pass in her own bed with love ones! but still somtimes depression still gets ahold.But chin up and remember better times.

If I drank wine (or beer) with both my welbutrin and Lamictal, I would be in for a longer than normal amount of sleep. That's why the warning lable says don't do it.