Dementia and presence of mind in public. Is it normal?

TammyGo, I know that this might not be within the realm of what you can control, but it is time for a new doctor, in my opinion. A doctor who has no concept of "showtiming" has no business treating a person with dementia.

My husband sees a dementia specialist. Obviously everyone in that clinic knows what is going on. I fill out a survey of Hubby's behaviors and abilities before each visit with this doctor. Hubby's PCP is a wonder geriatrician who treats my mother as well. I attend all appointments with both my mother and my husband and the doctor always catches my eye or asks me directly if I see things the same way they do. And, bless her, she manages to do that without making it sound like she doesn't believe them.

You are trying your utmost to do what is best for your dad. You don't need a doctor who is working against you!

I got married a couple of weeks ago. My mother who is in her end stages of dementia. She was well behaved. Unfortunately we can't control their behaviors. Be patient. Sometimes walking away briefly will help the
situation. It helps me.

jeannegibbs, Thanks for your info. I agree 100% dad needs a new doctor. The reason my sister and I haven't made this change yet is because he likes this doctor and will visit him without arguement. When we have addressed the possibility of changing docs dad gets very upset. I guess we feel that him getting some care is better than him getting no care at all. His current doc seems to do OK with regard to dad's other health problems...high blood pressure, diabetes etc. We are afraid that if we changed docs that dad would refuse to go. Maybe we should look for a geriatric doc that specializes in dementia but also let dad visit his regular doc once in a while??? Maybe after a while we could transition to the geriatric doc for all his issues and cut our ties with his current doc? I need to talk to my sister about this. We have to make a change. I just don't see any other way. Thanks again!

ok, here we go. I understand about the show timing now and my mother is quite good at it. We had two appointments today. The first one she was well behaved. On the way to the second she showed her ugly side and was out of control. Even in the waiting room at the second appointment she mumbled terrible comments. They called her name and- BOOM- back to normal. Her Dr said she believes me but until she catches her demented I cant get an apointment with a nueroligist. UGH. She even mumbled "I'm not crazy" under her breath so she understands what's going on. I don't want to put her in a home,which is what she thinks, I just want a diagnosis and some meds and some support.

You may need to get another doctor. I have not had any issues with my Mom's doctor. None at all. The Doctor has been very understanding and pro active with my Mom's care. Maybe her Dr is clueless Dimentia behaviors. Like your Mom, My Mom also says things that appears she is aware.

I would try and get her into see a new doctor. That is crap that the Dr will not help. Has the Dr even sent her for testing? Sent het to Psyciatric? Set her up for teh memory Clinic? There are steps the Dr should be doing without difficult.

Bekwalk, I agree with Waverun, that if the her doctor has not set-up an appointment for your mom to be tested for Alzheimer's or Dementia with a Psychiatrist then you may need to find a new doctor for her. Have you call Social Service or your Aging Agency in your area? maybe they can help you before making any decision.
As for the person with AD from what I understood they can only be on their best behavior for a limited time for it tends to wear them out n that may be why the person goes back sometimes to the naughty side. The person really don't know they r really behaving that way for part of the brain is not working.
I suggest to go to www.alz.org and educated, educate and educate for that is what I have been doing as well in order to undestand. You may also be able to get the book called, "The 36-Hour Day" by Peter Rabin for free if they have any extra ones at your local alzheimer's association. I hope this help for ya'll I am learning as well.

Bekwalk, I agree with many of the responses. Suggestion: would her doctor refer her for an "elder evaluation" run by one of the nearby hospitals. That's what they call it in our area (Cincinnati OH) and it was quite helpful. In our case, it affirmed what we were seeing with my sister and gave specific ways we could help her.

alz.org is an excellent source to be educate yourself and lovedones who are caring for your mother. I have used them on several ocassions when I have dealt with several issues.

These responses are very helpful. My mom was recently diagnosed with Lewy-body dementia. The problem has been that i have been seeking an answer and understanding of what was happening with her for two years! Her doctors all told me repeatedly that there was nothing wrong! That she was perfectly normal! That i was overreacting!That i needed to relax! Really. Doctors need to to start listening to the family and stop dismissing them as ignorant simpletons who have no knowledge and no vested interested in the patient -what, as the doctor does? I have been dealing with the most vile hatred, violent outbursts, severe emotional tantrums: refusal, to eat, talk, move ( as above in "quakerite") or participate except when she is in the company of strangers or friends. I and my family have been seriously physically injured, and emotionally damaged by her behaviors. We have been unable to access the appropriate care for her that surly would have improved her life due to the failure of the medical community to listen and respond appropriately. I am putting out a call to everyone: please do not accept this ignorance and lax attitude from the medical community any longer. I was told today by a doctor at the hospital who was evaluating her for stomach pain that basically she is a throw away because of the dementia. This attitude is not helpful to anyone at all and should not be tolerated. I am so over being brushed off. Don't let it happen to you or your loved ones. Stay and demand answers. You are not crazy! ... and this mini mental exam that they do to prove to you that they are fine does nothing at all!!! it isn't the evaluative protocol.
This is a very tough disease to manage. Take care of yourselves.
emmy

emmyjo, you are so right! Before my husband was diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia and had the simple label of dementia, his primary care doc wrote an order for a walker and basically said goodbye and good luck. So many doctors treat dementia patients as "throw aways" even though not many of them would actually say it. On our own we found a specialist and that made a world of difference! It turns out there are many treatments for the symptoms of LBD (no cure) and a doctor who knows what he is doing and is willing to patiently monitor one drug at a time can greatly enhance quality of life for the patient and his loved ones.

Don't let your loved one with dementia be "thrown away" by a medical practioner who doesn't want to be bothered with the challenge!

I had the experience of a "doctor" (thankfully, not my aunt's doctor) tell me that it was too bad we couldn't euthenize the elderly after they had outlived their usefulness. And more than one person has assured me that my aunt is "gone, she's not the aunt you once had." Really? That sure looks like her over there, watching Dancing with the Stars and eating ice cream. Luckily, my aunt's doctor is a geriatrics specialist not just with a lot of knowledge and compassion, but who is also willing to learn. When I told him recently about the benefits of coconut oil to folks with dementia, he was intrigued, especially because he could see for himself the change it had made in her. You have to be proactive and dig for information. As you have found. Read all you can, get on all the websites you can, and just do the best you can.

geori i cant tell the difference between what i would write and what you wrote. same exact situation and feelings. i have just started the process of letting go and transitioning my mom to other care. everyone has been telling me it wouldn't work long term and that it would kill me and was in fact killing me but i had made promises, thought i could find a way to improve her life and health. Until there is a cure or real treatment for the disease i know now that it just isn't possible at some point for one person or even three to take care of a person with this type of dementia. it ruins everyone's health and does not in the end provide a better life but a more diminished one for everyone involved. My regrets are huge but i can see some progress in accepting it and letting go of the remorse. I am entitled to survive. I have lost my job, my friends, my family relationships and my health over this. its time to see if i can regain any of it before i am in the same place as my mom. if i can have five minutes of peace before i die i think i deserve it. And so do you.

Oh am I so grateful for this! I've tried to tell my husband that his father "turns it on" for "the public" and for his brothers but I don' think he believed me! Now I even have a name for it! My brothers-in-law think I exaggerate his behavior because when they talk to or see him, "he's fine". At least now I know it's not just me!!

I hate it when I tell someone that my husband has ALZ and they say, "Oh, well, we're all getting forgetful." That's true, but ALZ is different, even when in the early stages.

I just recently experienced seeing my mother go into a rage while my grandson was with me. Then I knew see was losing her ability to use some control. I don't believe she would have done it with only him there, but it was all directed at me and he was out of sight, just around the corner. I tried reminding her he was there and she just got worse.
She has a narcissistic personality so it's hard for me to say I miss her sweet side or be able to say it's just not like her. It's gotten worse since my dear step father passed away so she gas no one else to dump all her mean, negative comments onto. Her reasoning is definitely no good so I'm making sure I have Power of Attorney and Health care POA in order to use if and when needed.
She also talks nonstop so my brothers and I are learning to call her when we know we will need to go in 20 mins. I know that's why old friends don't call her as much or ask her to join them for meals. It's really sad, but she's her own worse enemy. It's a relief knowing someone understands how painful and difficult this is, but sad that there are so many others like you going through it.

i have just discovered this web site... i dont feel so alone anymore. mother in law is 95. lived with us for 15 years, and im so tired of others acting like it is no big deal...she does act fine when others are around...and that makes me look like the crazy one when i tell them the things she does. and will say the meanest things to me ...i can tell they dont believe me...btw i cry daily and scream into a pillow

My father is a major manipulator, control freak, narcissist 90 year old. He puts on such a well rehearsed act in front of relatives and doctors. I am sure he needs antidepressants. Any advice on how to mellow him out from his nasty negative raging behavior that he uses at home..... when he is "sterling" in front of medical folks.?

showtimerskid, communicate with the doctors before the visits and let them know what Dad's behavior is like at home. Give a few specific examples. Most doctors are aware of the concept of showtiming.