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Hi!
I have a growing problem with my mother who is 88 and has dementia and is in Memory Care. I live out of state so most of the time I communicate by phone.



My sister and I lived with her before Memory Care and it was mid year that she was diagnosed. Her behavior is the worst problem for me. It began with small false accusations of stealing, taking her possessions, paranoia, etc., which I know is pretty typical,but it has escalated that I have become some sort of scapegoat for all her frustrations and the center of bigger confabulation stories of past events. In her mind I have become this terrible daughter! My sister also gets her abusive behavior, but less so.When I took her personally to the Memory Care she thought I was kidnapping her and she later told my brother she had me arrested. We have always had a close relationship before she became ill, but now I am very sad that I am this monster in her mind. I don't know what to do. I recently reached out to the care team where she is and asked to perhaps work with a social worker to work through this problem. In the meantime any suggestions or advise? I would like to reason with her, to explain the truth of things but I also know she believes what she believes and I cannot. This is such a horrible problem. Thanks!

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YOU are making the mistake in interpreting her verbalizations as lucid and changeable.

They simply are not. Her damaged brain is failing, and the misinterpretations, insults, and accusations are a PRODUCT of her illness, and really have NOTHING TO DO with the love you felt for one another before she began to suffer cognitive loss.

One of the most painful aspects of dementia as a caregiver, is learning that the person you loved is no longer there. The new person is losing filters, and operating on what her PRESENT TRUTH is.

You need to respect THAT “truth”, with no expectations that she is doing something that is “mean” or “meaningful” or in any way focused on her previous love for you.

Many of us have had to make this horribly painful adjustment. The staff in her residence has seen this, and understands it, and will not think badly of you because of what she says about you, or about anyone else.

It is a terribly painful time, but you as her loving caregiver, have to continue to love her with NO expectations other than what she’s showing you. At some point she may be able to show her love for you again, but it will be on her terms, as someone with dementia.

HUGS. It’s harder for you at this stage than it is for them.
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There is no reasoning with her. It cannot be done. She is out of her mind and incapable of reason and logic.
All you can do now is take care of yourself. Please consider talking to a therapist. They will help you process everything you're going through.
The mother you knew and loved is gone. It's okay to grieve for her. The mother you knew loved and cared for you with all her heart. Try to think of her as a casualty of war. Dementia is like a war. For years and years people fight against it. Families step up and take care of the person. They hire caregivers so their loved one can remain in their home. They try medications. They maintain the patience level of a saint. All to try and keep the dementia from advancing and taking more of their loved one. It is a war. Unless a person dies, the dementia destroys everything and it wins the war.
The enemy (dementia) dropped a bomb on your mother's brain and destroyed it. You know she would never think ill of you. She would never believe that you stole from her or kidnapped her or any of the other outrageous nonsense. The dementia thinks this, not her. Not the mother you knew and loved.
Please seek out therapy because it will help you.
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bundleofjoy Aug 2022
i think your answer is great.

i want to add, i recently spoke to a friend: mother has extreme dementia and says horrible, insulting things against her extremely kind, sweet daughter.

my friend said the comments still hurt, but less now. she tries to tell herself again and again: “it’s the disease. it’s not my mother.”

my friend said it took a lot of work, but now she’s less hurt.
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The only one that will benefit from working with a Social Worker would be you. Mom is not going to retain any therapies or talk sessions.
You can not fight HER "reality"
As difficult as it is try to remember that this is not your mom, this is the disease that has broken her brain.
You must know that no one believes the stories she comes up with.
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The hard truth is your Mom as you knew her is gone. She is not lying, her brain is dying, paranoia sets in. Her ""memories" can be dreams she had, TV shows, books she read, other peoples lives. Her brain can no longer separate these "memories" in the correct departments. And they just flit thru her mind, coming out her mouth because she no longer has filters, besides the ability to reason she has lost the ability to emphasize.

Like said, it still hurts but you know Mom can not help it.
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Thanks for posting this. The answers were helpful for me as well. My mother is suffering from dementia and has demonized me to the extreme over the past year. She has been in an ALF, memory care, and now a skilled nursing facility. I am her only child and POA. She has decided that she hates me and would be "safer" if she didn't have to see me. This made me cry the other day, and I'm pretty sick of the accusations and abuse, even though I know she is confused. I hope you and your mother find some peace as you go through this.
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rjcmills Aug 2022
I am also an only child and POA. It is such a difficult position to be in. My mother is in the late stages of dementia, but still knows me. I have cried many tears over this situation. She feels I have abandoned her, stuck her in a mental institution, and took away all her freedom. Best of luck to you.
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Thank you everyone for so many kind and wise words. I have a feeling I will be reading these responses over and over again. It is such a hard and unbelievable adjustment for us to make! I hope I have less urge to correct and reason with her as time goes. I hope her mind softens toward me as that would be the nicest. Again thank you everyone for taking the time out to think of me.
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Yup…very typical. I also am the bad guy when moms dementia flares. Thankfully Lewy Body has lots of good days…My brother is the golden boy. I do the work he gets the glory! I ignore it and do what needs to be done. Counseling has helped me face this new normal. Good Luck.
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MemoryKeeper Sep 2022
Of course, my brother is Dad's "best friend." They don't notice that prior to dementia, brother(s) only showed up every three months when needing something repaired. Just keep doing the next right thing. Your own good conscience is the best medicine for your peace of mind. Keep the good memories!
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The same Exact thing has happened to me with my dad....we were Extremely close before dementia and now I'm a professional thief and I'm putting him out his home and taking the house....which is very untrue I've lived here with my dad for almost 9 yrs from midstage dementia til now....I have siblings who instead of helping they feed into his paranoia and has brainwashed him into believing the worse of me....now he is in advance stage of dementia and he's refusing to go to adult daycare....the siblings all live out of state 2500 miles away....they had nothing to do with him before dementia.....
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BurntCaregiver Aug 2022
I'm so sorry you're in such a situation. Who has your father's POA?
As for him refusing to go to adult day care, it's not his decision. He has dementia and is no longer charge or making the decisions.
If you want him in adult day care, then force him to go. If you have to secure him in a wheelchair for transport to get him there, then do it. Let him have a tantrum. Ignore him the same way you ingore a child having one.
Do a bit of research on day care. There are ones who will accept and can handle hostile and aggressive clients like your father. They also offer transportation. It's very important for you to have time away from your father and caregiving. Even if you have to put him in memory care for a few days or weeks at a time every so often to get a break.
A situation can become high risk for abuse when a caregiver gets no help and no time off. This is especially true when it's a live-in care situation for an elder with dementia. I've personally known good and decent people living together who were the sole caregivers to elderly 'loved ones' and got no help or respite and there was abuse. The family caregiver gets pushed to the breaking point and all it takes is just one more complaint or snide comment and it's a slap across the face, or worse.
Please get some help with your father. For your sake, not his.
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I had this issue with my mother. Unlike with you and some others here, we didn't have a close relationship before. I think her true feelings about me came out unfiltered once her reasoning and dementia started really going downhill.

Another difference was that I didn't live with her, nor she with me. I was her "Dummy Daughter Driver," as I nicknamed myself. I knew nothing, was a nasty person, etc. Of course my three out-of-state brothers were different. Amazingly, the one who hardly ever came to see her became her golden child.

I really resented it (more than feeling hurt, I suppose) that *I* was the one who had to drive her around and put out her fires, so to speak. Being disrespected and verbally abused was the icing on the cake. I told my brothers that I would need to be compensated for me to continue doing anything. (When I'd brought this up to my mother, I was told disgustedly that, "You don't pay family.') By the time she had really slipped cognitively during a 17-day hospitalization, my brothers all agreed that I would be compensated (and one of the 2 POA brothers took care of it right away). He even suggested back pay, and I quickly agreed.

When I was being paid ($20/hour), I could think of it as a job, and emotionally it was so much easier on me. I was gifted the money, as my mother would never qualify for Medicaid.
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BurntCaregiver Aug 2022
CTTN,

The verbal abuse and scapegoating can get to the point where being paid doesn't even make any difference.
I stopped taking my mother to doctor's appointments. I just refuse to go with her. If I have to drive, I will but I won't accompany her to a doctor appointment anymore. I tell everyone that I'm taking a break. For years it was all on me. My mother makes doctor's appointments for entertainment. Sometimes three and four a week. This is the only time she's willing to leave the house and the only socialization she gets (and this is her choice). I'm done with it though.
She's lately taken to offering me money to take her. I refuse. It's just not worth it. When she has one coming up she reduces her snide and abusive behavior a few days ahead of time. She cuts back on the fight instigating too. She thinks this will persuade me to take her. It doesn't.
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I am so sorry this is happening, but quite honestly you cannot reason with someone with dementia. This is likely to only get worse, and the calling in of the social worker will go one of two ways, make it a tiny bit better or make it a good deal worse with your Mom feeling now paranoid and ganged up upon. I would simply continue to educate yourself on this disorder/disease so that you continue to get more knowledge about the mind works when beset by dementia; you seem already aware and to grasp the fact that certain things are common. They become the new norm for the person involved.
Keep your phone visits short, calling for a check in and to ask about her day; when things "turn" excuse yourself and tell your Mom you will call again in a few days.
Again, I am sorry. The person we knew doesn't exist, and it isn't something that much can be done about. Certainly not "reasoning". That ability is now gone for your Mom.
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MemoryKeeper Sep 2022
When she does say something sweet, be sure to write in down and keep that comment for a rainy day. As you remember good times from the past, please write them down and refer to them when you need a good memory to warm your heart. Start today....
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