Anyone ever decided to just not have a funeral for their loved one?

My parents pre-arranged their cremations. When Dad died, Mom kept his ashes in the closet until she decided where she wanted them scattered a few years later. Hubs & I went with her to a place where they used to walk together in the national forest & we scattered the ashes & followed up with a picnic at a nearby picnic area. When Mom died, I went to the mortuary & picked up her ashes & Hubs & I and a handful of our local friends trekked up to the same spot & scattered hers in the same place. Then we had a picnic, same as before. They didn't want a service and if it had just been me I'd have done it just with Hubs, but he seemed to need a little formality, and I think it helped my brother-in-law, my sister's widower, who was close to my mother. Anyway, Hubs now has severe dementia & is on hospice and I think I've decided to just do the most inexpensive cremation thing and keep his ashes in the closet until I decide what to do with them. He has grown children, none of whom have said anything about funeral arrangements, and I don't expect them to, and I don't plan to consult them. Hubs did do his end-of-life paperwork and I know he is an organ donor but not a whole body donor; I'll respect that although I myself have signed up as a whole body donor. But he never wrote anything up regarding funeral arrangements, so as the Hospice social worker told me, it's up to me. When he was young, decades ago, I recall visiting his mother's family's gravesite whenever there was a death, and since her brother was a mortician there was a lot of carrying on and black jokes, and Hubs said that when he died he wanted a big party with a rock-and-roll band and to be there in an open coffin, naked. It was funny at the time, but now it makes me sad. But I plan to do exactly nothing other than have Hospice call the funeral home and take care of it. As has been posted here, if somebody needs to have a party, let them go ahead and do it.

When my dad died out of state, I couldn't go, and he had no friends or relatives to show up at a funeral, so I had him organ donated, after which they cremated him. The whole thing only cost $325 - for the limo from the morgue to the university - and later his cousin, who couldn't have gone to a funeral, told me he had wanted that - why could he not have told me? Oh, well....

My husband has told me wants neither a funeral or a memorial. I do think a reason for funerals is to provide comfort to the living, and I think you should do what will be the best for you during this very difficult time. Should you change your mind down the road, you can always have a memorial.

Dad died two years ago. I could say a lot about the week prior to his passing but I would be digressing from the topic at hand. Our parents had already made funeral arrangements. Dad was cremated. Honestly, we are all terminal and making your final arrangements is the responsible thing to do. (I know, need to get mine done too!)

A week before his passing, he was pretty much his jolly self. Things changed quickly and Mum was inconsolable when faced with reality. There was no way she could handle a funeral. We decided to wait a month and have a memorial service. People he worked with years ago came from long distances to pay tribute and share stories. We displayed Dad’s art work and writings. I had a month to dig out pictures and we created a beautiful video tribute. Dad’s favorite poems were read and music he loved played. It was a labor of love but I think he would have been pleased. Very simple, no tears, just joy celebrating his life.

When I mentioned contemplating cremation, one lady I know was horrified….”Oh I want to come see you!” Seriously? I’d much prefer to visit with her while I’m still here!!

Although my parents have prepaid funeral arrangements, we probably won't have a formal funeral..just a visitation and grave site service. All their friends have passed and they have few relatives left. I think more people are going to this especially as people are living longer.  I didn't put an obit in the local paper for my husband when he died last year...only put it in his hometown paper.

Well, I did it. Today I filled out the paperwork for my husband's cremation. I picked the low-budget cremation place (an offshoot of one of the local family-owned funeral homes). I didn't have to give them any money up front; they will collect it before they do the actual cremation of the remains. Everything I selected (e.g. the "urn" (a box, actually)) can be changed any time, right up until the last minute (or after the last minute actually). I was able to select an "ID visitation" (6 people, 20 minutes) and a "witness cremation" (same). The counselor said many people pick one or the other, and I can change my mind. If I'm with him when he goes, I might just cancel all that. Anyway, it's a relief to be done with that. It's a sad task, but funnily I feel the same now as I did before I got it done. At least if he goes unexpectedly while I'm out of town--I'll be away for a couple of weeks, don't really want to go but have to--I won't have the extra work to do. I feel as if I sound like I'm "all business". Maybe I should be grateful that I CAN be "all business". It wouldn't do any good to freak out.

Hospice chaplain said..after all you have been through..you have the right to decide the funeral arrangements. I did have a public mass but when it came time for the burial and gathering afterwards I kept it private. I did not have the strength to give a party. At least, that is how it felt to me. I (only child) brought his three grandchildren to the burial and back to the house to be with my mom who has advanced alzheimers. It was the best thing I have done for myself as a caregiver in a long while.

My experience with mother dying at age 104+ in assisted living in 2012, followed by husband dying in same facility at age 81 four years later created for me the same dilemma. I had celebrated my mother's birthdays royally ever since she turned 90, with many friends of hers and ours at first, but after moving everyone to a new state 9 years ago, we hadn't had time to increase a wider circle of friends other than those at the church we joined. They only knew my mother from the birthday parties at the assisted home, as she was wheelchair bound ever since we moved, and all of her friends had long since passed on and family lived far away. At the time we moved, my husband already had significant memory and balance problems and didn't get much out of our church experience, but the church rallied around me in visiting and celebrating each of their lives while they lived. I felt that since there were really only the friends at the assisted home plus some at church, that I didn't need to have a service for them, and I was worn out and couldn't imagine putting together another memorial celebration of their lives, as we had done that over and over. They were both cremated, and finally we arranged a family meeting at the old country cemetery in which my mother had bought a plot and stone years ago, next to her parents, and in the same cemetery as many of her aunts and uncles whose lives had influenced hers. It was a family event with my brother and spouse, all five grandchildren and some of the great-grands and we each took our turn saying what Mom's life had meant to us, and then her urn was inturned. Likewise with my husband, we had left all our closest friends back in another city when we moved and couldn't travel back, as we traveled preferably to the country of his birth to visit all his friends and relatives there. Instead of a funeral here, we placed meaningful obituaries in the two cities' newspapers (for mother also 4 years before), from which we received a huge number of such meaningful cards, phone calls, e-mails, and Facebook posts, all of which were answered. We then took a portion of his ashes to his home country with all our immediate family members and met all the immediate family members there, where we spread his ashes in the mountains where he hiked with his best friend, and at a meaningful place to the whole family, as 34 of us came to honor his memory. It was beautiful, and for the modest person that he was, I feel that he would have been pleased!

I have my plan ready for when the time comes. I want to be cremated, and I do not want any services whatsoever

I am 65 and have told the only family I have (husband and daughter) I don't want a funeral myself. It would be up to them, of course, but I stated I would like to be cremated. I would like my ashes interred in a wall at a cemetary, not scattered. Even when my mother died last year, there were only a few people left in the extended family who showed up. Myself, there are probably a dozen or so who might be interested, and I have said repeatedly, please, no formal funeral, viewing, and expensive coffin and flowers!....Now, my friend's 90 something mother died last month, and the mother was on Medicaid, in assisted living, and owned nothing. My friend and to some extent the mother were estranged from the mothers other children (two sons and families), so friend (who is utterly penniless herself) was planning to contact the NYS social services department to look into burial for impoverished people. And wouldn't you know, the day after: after years of silence, the mother's son had her body picked up from the morgue and he arranged a funeral on his own! Hijacked the deceased mother! Oh, my friend was livid, she said he was just 'showing off what a wonderful son he was'! (a very dysfunctional family!) She refused to go and had her own memorial for her mother a couple weeks later at the annual picnic at mother's assisted living home. They kindly let her use their facility before the picnic, and she put up a picture board and had a family friend who was a pastor say a few words. There were probably a dozen of us there. Then the picnic took place and the other residents began coming in, for hot dogs and such (we had given the assisted living house some money for our share). And you know, it was a very nice. Casual, but heartfelt, we all agreed we didn't 'miss' a 'real funeral' and all that goes with it. (we heard the mother's 'real funeral' was very small and mostly the estranged family members making an appearance, i.e., they came for the free food at the son's house later!)

Mom wants to be cremated but did not discuss any funeral arrangements. I will defer to family within reason but I do not want an open casket/viewing. Did this for my dad, uncle etc. and it is too traumatic, especially for children. Would prefer a memorial like my friend had with pictures of parents and uplifting music, good memories and much crying. (Crying as a release, suffering has ended but we miss the physical presence of our beloved.)

Personal Opinion Only:
When dad died we had more of a wake and celebration with all friends gathering and just sharing memories for an evening. It was so much more meaningful.
What happens after death is for the living, I think.
So, yes. I will do the same with mom who has dementia.
Personal.
Cleansing.
More joy in remembering and sharing life with people...not a cold funeral ceremony--which is more of a reality "show" than a healing, moving-on process.

Funerals provide closure in that they are the final rite. They can be simple or elaborate, religious or not. My friend declined to have a funeral for her husband. She didn't even place a notice of his death. His friends, clients, and colleagues never had a chance to give their condolences. It made her grief very difficult and extended. I think some of her distress would have been lessened if she had had a funeral however small.

When my mom died, I felt no particular need to make her passing easier for other people to process. Mom had been pushing away friends and in-laws for the past 15 year. I felt for these people who genuinely cared about Mom and got radio silence in response.....but I couldn't fix it. As Mom aged, she allowed 2 people close enough to experience "the real her" -- one other relative and me. And Mom wore us both down mentally. Mom was a myth to those outside the tiny circle, and an exhausting martyr to those of us who did her bidding. (And we did not have the luxury of "blaming it on the disease," because Mom refused to see a doctor for any of her 5 different issues. Ever. Top-tier health insurance, assets out the wazoo and 4 different transportation options. But no. Refer to "martyr".) When Mom passed, we had a discussion with other stakeholders and chose to have a church funeral. And the wagon train to the cemetery. One person's exercise in futility is another person's cherished ritual, I suppose.

Yes, we decided no funeral, no wake, no flowers and the briefest obit for our mother. She didn't like funerals, at 95 all her friends were dead and we couldn't bear the trauma after many family deaths in the recent years. No regrets. The hospice pastor read a verse at the graveside. Only her caregivers attended. Champagne was served, hugs followed and that was that. She was loved when alive and we didn't need a spectacle to mark her death.

Now technology plays a very important part of memorials and funerals. Many times there is a PowerPoint with images of the deceaseds life. Someone will spend a tremendous amount of time putting the show together and of course the perfect music. IMHO, these are so unnecessary. Most will not sit and watch. But, now I see it coming that those attending will be able to download and watch on their phones while at the service. Just one more gathering where people are more focused on technology that spending time talking with each other.

Dear gladimhere,

I'm so sorry to hear that, I have to agree with you that funerals should be about people talking to each other and supporting each other.

Hearing all these different viewpoints, I feel my siblings and I did our best to give my dad a proper send off as it were. My sister wrote the obit, she picked the casket and the flowers and made decisions for the service. It was a very emotional time and I was a wreck, so could not have decided very much. In the end, I am comfortable we followed traditions and our cultural values.

One option is to donate her body when she passes to a close medical school. Give them a call. They will know what to do.

One option is to donate her body to a local medical school. Give them a call. They will know what to do.

Yes. Put simply, no one visits my mother. Kids, grandkids even her son, they call. Rarely visit. Distance max 1 1/2 hours away. My thought is simple. I am not going to pay $10k for a handful of people to have a guilt ridden cry over her casket. It's about how you treat someone in life. She is against cremation, but then again, would she know. I have a clear conscious. She had lived with me all my life less 4 years. I love her to death. Financially, I have used funds to give her a great life "now."

When my uncle died he was not married at the time and his children were not around so I sought advise from my lawyer and the next person in charge was my mother. My mother was too sick to handle his funeral and his other siblings could not and would not deal with it. My mother was worried about the funeral and how it should be handled so I took over. I told my mother that if anyone gave her any grief about the funeral that they should talk to me. My mother was worried that it wasn't going to be good enough for a snobby cousin of hers -- me I did not care if it was good enough for a snobby cousin or the person next door all I wanted was to have a funeral, get him buried and have it so my mother could be happy. So it took me a week I found my uncles middle son contacted him meanwhile setting up the funeral. I told my cousin that I would take care of it and he was forever grateful. He never said he didn't like it, or it wasn't what he wanted. And that snobby cousin of my uncles... never said a word to me or my mother about it not be "good enough". Emily78 please do what you need to do for you and if someone doesn't like it they can set up and have their own memorial service.

I realize the original post was a couple of years ago but this is a very interesting topic & I have seen a wide variety of great answers. Through the years I have been a part of many non traditional remembrances of loved ones. It is important to not be goaded or guilted into having something just to keep tongues from wagging. My parents are both going to be buried at the VA cemetery according to their wishes. They have not discussed with us if they wish to have a service in the chapel or just graveside services. With the exception of one friend in CA, their friends are all gone. I hardly see the point in an extravagant funeral for just the family, but it will be whatever they want. I remember my grandfather's funeral. He had two services in two cities two & a half hours apart. It was literally an all day affair & difficult to do with young children & at the time we all had very young children. I don't think we were really given the option of choosing the city of most convenience. I can't remember. I think attitudes have changed a lot regarding funeral services. I plan to be cremated as does my husband. Let our survivors throw a party afterward.

Dad was a WWII veteran. After he died (at 90), he was given a plaque by the govt - it could be put in the ground as a gravestone or mounted on a stone. I had it mounted on a gravestone. He was also entitled to a graveside ceremony.  

Before he died, I had asked him what he wanted - funeral, casket, cremation? He said - whatever's cheaper. I'll be dead - I won't care. Cremation was cheapest and that is what we did although I don't like that very well. But I went with what he said. I went to a funeral home and they arranged everything, including the graveside ceremony. Cremation is expensive up North - I didn't know - but cheaper than a funeral. 

Most of his friends his own age had died before him or were too old to come to a funeral or even a celebration. It was bitter winter up north when he died. We made a pretty arrangement of his ashes box, pictures and words about him, flowers. We had a few friends and neighbors over to the house and had some snacks and drinks. We talked about old memories and laughed. 

And then later in the Spring, we had the graveside ceremony. I bought a plastic box from Amazon to protect the wooden box that his ashes were in.  Into that box we (his daughters) put notes of gratitude and love to him and also his leather sheath with knife and scissors, that he always carried on his belt. 

We had a gathering by his stone. He was given a 21 gun salute. There was a priest and some family, friends and neighbors there. It was very serious and respectful. It was a beautiful day. The priest said a few words. We laid roses on his grave. A big deer walked up from the river and looked at us. Dad was a lover of the woods and outdoors. 

No funeral. Glad of it. And I think he is too.

Patooski - what a lovely send off for your dad. Sounds totally befitting of his life.

When Daddy died last month, mom had nothing, he was cremated and ashes brought home and he did have family and tons of friends who would have been there to celebrate his life, i feel he deserved more and was not happy with it but did not argue as it was how she needed to proceed emotionally and i respected that and understand it. Now that it is her going so soon to be with him, I will give her what she chose, the exact same thing, cremation and nothing further. You do what you need to do emotionally, if others don't respect that choice they should have played a bigger part in getting to the end with you.

I too believe that we honor our elderly family members when we take care of them while they are alive. I am the oldest of two girls. My sister has early onset Alzheimer's disease. We chose not to tell her.
Our father died young. There are no relatives or friends of my mother to come to Virginia for a funeral. I live and travel back and forth from Alaska. Cost: Thousands each time. My mother wanted cremation and, for the time being, her cremains came home with me to Alaska. She loved Virginia. At some future date, I will return there for spreading her ashes.

I am an organ donor; when my dad died unexpectedly in a distant state, he had no one but me, so I arranged to have him donated to a local medical school. The only expense was $325 for the legally required hearse to take him from the morgue to the university. Even that was covered by the $500 deposit his apt complex returned. When it was all over his cousin told me he had always wanted it that way; why couldn't he have told any of us? My mom finally decided she would do the same, but I may have a memorial service for her, since a lot of people around here like her - same with my husband, who chooses to be buried at the VA cemetery. No memorial service or funeral for me; I never go to them, so it would be hypocritical, wouldn't it?

We are planning no funeral for my mother, as she is decidedly non-religious and has directed that she be cremated. Also she has no money and I don't think any of us want to pay for a funeral, which few people will attend in any event. The only person who would object would be her brother I think, because he's religious and very traditional. But if he wants a funeral for her, he'll have to pay for it, because nobody else will. He's a few years younger and in much better shape than her, so I expect he'll outlive her.

I feel no need to pay "last respects" to my mother. I've been taking care of her for almost 7 years now and I think that's enough.

I had a relative in the late nineties to pass away and there was no one left except some in the family, so there was only a graveside service. My mom has already said she wants the same. A cousin was talking about how irritated she is when someone who has never come around, or even called, suddenly shows up at a funeral. She said that if they didn't care when the person was alive, they shouldn't show up when they are dead.

I know this is an old thread, but it popped up on my 'feed' today. Sometimes we do not know who our parent was important to during their life. By publishing an obit and holding a service those people can pay their last respects.

A very personal example, when my former fil Lloyd, died, there was not service and an old war buddy heard through the legion that he was gone. He was incredibly upset that he missed the opportunity to tell the family the story of when fil saved his life. Yes they had lost touch over the years, but Lloyd was never far from his thoughts.

In my family we memorial services at a time that is convenient to as many as possible. In the last 40 years everyone has been cremated. When my mother's Aunty Jessie died, I had not seen her in 20 years or more. She had been moved by her family first to live with family, then to a nursing home a great distance away. I never knew Aunty Jessie's kids (Mum's Cousins) except perhaps 2-3 brief meetings in childhood. They did not know me. At the memorial, people were given the opportunity to tell a story. When I got up, her children were surprised, why would I have a story to tell? I told them the story that every year from the time I was about 5 - 16, I went to Aunty Jessie's house and baked a cake for my grandmother. It was a 'surprise' for my grandmother. Because all of Aunty Jessie's kids had moved away, she did not get to see her own grandchildren very often, but I saw her every time I visited my grandmother. We baked a cake once a year, we had tea in the garden, we found a snake in the pond. I brushed her Collie and filled a bag with dog hair. I took the dog hair back to my grandmother's house and spun it into yarn. When I knit the small ball of yarn into a square, the colours were lovely, but it smelled like dog, even after being washed.

If they had not had that memorial service, they would never have known that I had a special relationship with their mother

My love for Aunty Jessie was not impaired because I did not visit her once she was moved away by family. The opportunity was not there. Once I was an adult with my own vehicle, her dementia was so advanced that she would not have known me. I chose to remember her as I knew her, not as a she became.