How do I deal with negativity of my aging parents?

I could deal with my father if he had Alzheimer's...but he's just a complete idiot!

Labbydog, I have a lot of the same issues. Luckily my sister and I share the responsibility (and misery). My mom is 98. She has been blessed by God with amazing good health. She has no need of any medication! She is mobile, no cane, no walker, no need for oxygen, and she never gets sick. She lives in an independent living senior community for the past six years. She has NEVER stopped complaining about it, about us taking away the car, doesn't like the food, talks about people, doesn't even bother to learn the names of people she sees every day. Woe to the family visitor she can get alone and start in on the complaining. She now has increasing dementia, not surprising at her age. I understand that as a person ages they become more and more self centered, but it is hard to take. Unfortunately, this is nothing new as she has been negative her whole life, and now it is ten times worse. Sometimes I have to take a valium before I visit so I don't end up with churning insides after spending a few hours with her. Entering her apartment, we have to steel ourselves for the sad, hound dog look that screams "pity me". My sister gets it worse, its like she is Mom's mommy, every little thing she calls and complains to her. Every phone conversation centers around how she doesn't feel well, which is really nothing more than age slowing her down and some arthritis. Yet, a few hours later, she's fine and doesn't remember that ailment and its on to the next. To make matters worse, she's almost deaf which shuts her out of most conversations and makes her feel alone. She has good hearing aids, so I think she is unable to process much of what she hears and most of the time, doesn't listen - she is too busy thinking about herself. Her friends tell us she is totally in denial of needing any help, refuses to accept aging and blames everything else for any problem she has. I keep telling myself she can't help it, and swear I won't do this to my children. I've decided to write all my wishes down on paper NOW, such as "when I can't clean my house, please do it for me or bring someone in, even if I protest" or "when I am no longer competent to live independently, please move me, despite my protests, just be sure wherever I go the facility is kind and good" and most important "if I am depressed and negative, make sure I get put on medication for depression - I do not want to spend/waste the last years of my life sad and unhappy when there is a way to help me."

As long as you feel obligated to help, that negativity is going to be hard to escape. Even when you do your best to "tune them out." See what you can do to expand their support network, so that you won't have to expose yourself so much to people who make you feel less-than; even when you bend over backwards for them.

My mother is the queen of negativity and poor pity me. The only way I could deal with her toxic behavior is to limit my exposure to her. I do what I have to do and nothing more. She literally drained me of emotional energy from her constant whining and complaining. I think she finally realizes I am done tolerating her self pity, she rarely complains to me and our contact via phone or my visits have lessened considerably.

my mother also can be negative but I think I am fortunate in that since her mind is starting to slip, she's gotten nicer. Weird huh? I was fortunate, about ten years ago, she caught me just right with one of her jabs about my weight and I didn't speak to her or visit for a little over a year. Since then she's been a lot more respectful to me. (I think she took me for granted, that I would always be there for her to punch) and I have had a much better outlook on our relationship. More accepting of how she is. My sister is at the point I was when I made my break but I am not sure she has a year to work it out.

I deal with it by accepting my mother has always been mentally ill, it runs in our family, and that she can't help how she is. It's hard to accept that I will never have the mom I wanted; but I am finding that I can love the mom I have. I can't hold things against her that she truly doesn't remember ever doing and it would be cruel to bring them up. Letting go of the resentment and anger is good for both of us. Moving her in next month and sincerely hoping that I can store up some good memories. She's ready, I think, for someone else to be responsible.

Im soo with EVERYONE HERE.. I seem to never do right in my mothers eyes, there is always a dig.. SHE IS NEVER EVER HAPPY.. i am an only child and she has forced away all of her family (sisters, brothers etc) I live with my parents since I KNOW they cant take care of themselves. I have started to see a therapist to help me thru all of this.. I dont want to be mean etc but most of the time, SHE makes it very hard not to. I have no real life right now, due to their health issues. I do and do and its just never good enough.. I have looked into assisted living but they cant afford it.. Iam at my wits ends most days anymore. I just have no more happiness

Thank you all for your comments....I'm crying as I read them because it is spot on to my situation. I'm thinking that there needs to be a support group where you share the stories every week & recognize that none of this is new or unusual. Is there an online group for this?

I started walking 4 miles a day. It's helping, but sometimes not enough. I am trying to not respond very much at all any more...it's sad that our conversations are like this now, but nothing you say is right anyways, so I figure why bother. I think the response- a big hug & I love you is a good idea. I think I will try that next.

Mother-daughter relationships are complex. Feeling guilty about the negative thoughts you have towards her is normal. But the strength to keep going every day to take care of their needs is what is more important. Ultimately, nothing last forever...change is the constant, so I think writing/talking about it - sharing with others it the only way to deal. What did people do before the internet? They must have been much tougher stock! ;-) Thank you all!

I am taking care both of my parents. I'm now living  with them with my husband and my daughter. My two other ones are in college now. Taking care both of my parents is the hardest thing to do. I taught I am able to be comfortable with them but somehow. They are two miserable people, complains about everything don't know how to talk and blames me for every little thing I do in their house. They are both not happy because I married my husband. They don't treat him nicely they hate my husband and most of all they are not good grandparents for my three kids. They just think money is what we are after from them. Which is not true. Both my husband and  I are professional make decent money but yet my parents are judging us because they think we have nothing like the young couples that have everything. They keep comparing me to their friends that have kids that got married to wealthy or more successful husbands. They are the type of parents that are very judgmental and so negative that it is not healthy for me to be around them. They both drained me out mentally and physically. So our decision is instead of staying with my parents thinking I can help them. We decided that we are gonna live to go bk to have our own home and not to be surrounded with my parents who is always negative about everything. They have a depressing life which all they do is stay in their room after we eat. They don't go out at all. They don't wanna do anything all they do is stay in their room watch tv 24/7. Then if they see me and my family they start judging and talk negatively about us which is their  daily life. 

Hello, I am new here, Is this still a current chat? today is 9/11/2017. I am reaching out and reading these posts to desperately try to regain a shred of myself back. I to have a mom like you all have a described. It gives me some comfort to read that I am not alone. My mom is a piece of work!! She is the master of spinning the conversation to a negative slam. She will talk about "somebody else" and I just know the message and or sarcasm is directed toward me or something I am not doing right or that she is not living here. She lives alone in a small home about 25 minutes away..and believe me I hear about it every day!!!. I am married with no kids..my husband and I have been dealing with her for 25 years..my dad passed away a few years ago and the negativity double, she retired and it tripled. Now with her alone with health problems I go there every week and do everything from take her to Dr. appt to grocerys to everything in between. I am a great and caring daughter I do everything from taking her on trips, calls daily, gifts, holidays are fun, hubby cooks special dinners, respect, I'm nice and passive type B no confrontational personality so is my husband... we have been so good to her. Thing is it is not enough.!!!!!.she lets me know that with low blows in a very coy and slick sarcastic way..she is a genius at that..its a art form to her..like a cobra she ...strikes at the jugular at that perfect moment to prove a point...ask her " How are you today?" at your own risk! She does still drive, she comes out here to my house about 8 times a year and every holiday for 5 days at a time..at that point my husband and I become her captive audience to her negative attacks..she strikes while sitting on my sofa with the news on 24/7 and don't dare touch that remote!! All while she is glaring at your every move...you grab a beer its " really another beer" if your cooking its " did you put salt in that"" I don't care fore the taste of that last thing you made" I call her every day and for 2 hours I hear everything about her bad childhood, her loud neighbor, how nobody cares and it is all my fault is how the tone is. I say so mom what are you having for dinner?..she says..well if I can manage I will warm up some soup, see when you live alone like I do you don't have a purpose to cook" " All I got here is my like dog, thank god for her" to " other cultures revere their elders" to when the chips are down you really see peoples true colors" ( yet she didn't take her mom in when she was sick). My husband cant take it here..I don't think my marriage and sanity would survive if she was here..The guilt of a NH is to much. I want to hide. Well hang in there everybody..all I can say is take it day by day..my life is on hold but I try to enjoy the little things..member the less you tell you moms the better..It gives her less ammo to attack you with your own words. I love her I really do but I wish she had 1 friend or hobby besides me. If your wear guilt on your sleeve like I do your vulnerable. If you can let it go the impossible task that you are to keep her happy the better you will be. good luck and Thank you all for letting me get this off my chest.