Hi everyone I last posted in December . Dad given bladder cancer diagnosis w 6 months to live. He’s been in and out of hospital, rehab, independent living and 2 assisted livings and hospice in span of 4 months. H refused multiple times to move closer to me and I’ve been able to accommodate his requests to move him to different facilities ( because he didn’t “ like” whee he was - when in reality it’s the circumstances he doesn’t like) he’s now on a very nice assisted living facility right next to where he lived for 40 years. His apartment is cozy the place is spotless and airy . There are some issues with staffing of course but resolved w regular follow up and check ins. I’ve arranged for hospice to come in 5xs a week, and even got them to approve 6 sessions of pt ( while on hospice) to get him
strength byto get into a wheelchair ,he has a dr at the facility who actually is the dr for another local hospice , who prescribed him a baby dose of anti depressant. , I got him a smart phone and taught him to FaceTime which we use multiple times a day and even “ go for walks” or “ watch tv “‘together and he enjoys that. I visit every 10 -14 days for 3-4 days at a time The issue is.. he’s so lonely. He’s bedbound and is frustrated. He’ll call the care givers for something silly like he dropped the remote , and get frustrated they don’t respond straight away, while I’m more concerned they don’t respond to change his brief until after 2 hours. He has some unrealistic expectations but he doesn’t need full on nursing care and this is better than a nursing home and half the price. He eats hardly anything they bring,, but will a bit when I visit. He’s basically alone in a room. Hospice doesn’t have volunteers, to visit, only their social worker and chaplain who come once a week, the facility does not have volunteers and he’s bedbound so can’t do activities , and I’ve called all the senior orgs there and no one has volunteers. Even the VA has no volunteers. This is sad. His mind is sharp but he’s giving up because he’s so depressed. He’s saying he doesn’t want pt now Dr going to up dose of anti depressant but he really needs company. Any ideas? I can’t believe there are no senior programs anywhere ? Do I hire a companion? I can fix a lot of things but not the loneliness. It’s all he talks about and I’m feeling powerless as someone who tends to be a “ fixer” in my everyday job. Thanks!
You can try a companion but you might only see disinterest as he is letting go. This is part of the March towards death. I think hospice and you should be focusing on the rule of support of symptoms and not so much in a rule of rescue.
I also see the AL is not adequate for his needs if he is already bedbound. You either try to hire an extra caregiver or get him moved to NH. ALs usually provide about 3 hours of care each week for assistance with bathing, dressing, toileting, etc. He may no loner assist for transfers so he may not be participating in activities outside of his room.
For examples:
Changing for incontinence while bedbound, may require more than 1 person with turns.
He might need full on nursing home if he is getting his food in his room. AL residents usually eat in the dining room.
Volunteers are just that. They are not plentiful and difficult to find. Why do you not volunteer? The answer should be apparant if you have never volunteered in this capacity before dads diagnosis. Lack of volunteers is not an indicative factor in a facility.
As I mentioned, you might want to hire a companion to see if things will get better, but do not be surprised if it does not work out.
I wish you luck,
You can't fix everything, and sounds to me overall this is going as well as it can. You are trying to help in so many ways.
I would discuss with administration, because I just bet that word going out to other seniors in the facility would get him more company than he can handle. My brother's ex was very social. My brother passed and David lived years more. He socialized almost every waking hour and would definitely go in to visit those ill or confined to bed. So ask administration if they have any ideas in that regard.
Just be certain to keep in mind that you cannot fix everything, and aren't responsible for everything. Life is full of grief through all the years we live. Some things must be lived with the best way we can. There are podcasts on tablets, TV, other things, even solitaire for the lonely times.
You say your Dad is sharp but mostly depressed. This may mean that no size "entertainment committee" will make him happy. You will need to come to peace with this. Still, I would try an aid, but do not pay for this yourself... this should come out of Dad's funds. Also try to find a male aid, and maybe an older one, if at all possible. I know your Dad is on "borrowed" time, but if I were in your situation this is what I would do to help him.
Right now there is a profound labor shortage. There is also a volunteer shortage due to an aging society and decline in the younger demographic (I'm an elder in my church so we are dealing with this all the time).
If the facility allows it hiring a companion might be a good idea.
You could check with a church or other religious affiliation if he is a member of one and see if they have volunteers.
All hospice agencies in my area have volunteers that come out for a few hours to visit. In fact I myself was a hospice volunteer for over 8 1/2 years and loved every minute of it.
You might want to check with other hospice agencies in your fathers area to see what they offer as you can switch any time you want. I would also call his local Senior Services and Shepherd Center as I know for a fact, both have volunteers that will come out to visit.
And of course last resort would be hiring a companion to come spend time with him.
I wish you well in your endeavor to help your father.
Have you contacted Council on Aging in his area? They may know of volunteer organizations that you haven’t heard of.
Your dad is very fortunate to have a daughter who is an incredible advocate for him.
I agree with you that isolation and loneliness can lead to depression.
Wishing all the best to you and your dad. I hope that you are able to find a suitable companion for your father soon.
Its hard when we are fixers in everyday life, and there here we are with our parents and really not that much we can fix.
This program provides volunteers to the elderly and disabled.