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My grandfather was 90 when my grandmother died and he began traveling, spending his own money, and had a ladyfriend. I see nothing wrong with it. My father in law is as old as your dad and is now living with a girlfriend. She's well off but he is with her for love. Believe it or not, older people might want to have sex, have a lover, spend their money the way they want to, and go where they want to without being like an old dog on a chain.
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Oh dear God! That is all I can think of to say! My grandfather lived to be almost 100 and 'married' third wife at 89. When she passed away two years later he said he thought 'they would have a long life ahead of them'. (!!!!!). I say 'married' because when he asked her to get married her well off family got together with mine (who are also in financial good shape) and they all concurred that there should be absolutely NO marriage. So they really did trick them by allowing a 'ceremony' that was not really a legal marriage. They seemed to believe they were married, which they went through with because according to my grandpa "tongues were wagging" about how much time they'd spent in each other's rooms at the assisted living place!
He did have what I would certainly call early stages of dementia but by no means was he unable to make his own decisions. You might see if you can have your dad evaluated and you can put your foot down and refuse to have him in your home if he doesn't cut it out (it is selfish to spend crazily and live with you for free). But! Guns? Cars? Cialis? OMG. You are in my prayers!
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2tired, if pammaw10 can get her dad to save his money he will be able to afford a nicer place to live than the VA provides. My mother became a widow with dementia and I moved her to an assisted living facility. I have to help her pay for it or see her deplete what savings she has. I can TOTALLY see why pammaw is concerned. Her dad will be heart broken, wasted a lot of money and when or if he cuts these people off, he could be in physical danger! I would feel that I at least had to try to expose the people and convince dad to do the right thing.
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I say replace the cialis with a similar looking vitamin or something. When I he cant perform any longer, maybe he'll get over it.
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Please have the Police contacted. waiting is just more extortion honey.and then also
doctors. 2 ppl asking for money for themselves and then sex is the Bonus..so sometimes at his age if he thinks he's cool and has that then when nonone that young ..plese dont wait. report them.
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You are right to be alarmed!

Get the car and guns away from him for his safety and the safety of others. Talk to the doctor, if you get nowhere, which I suspect since a reasonable doctor would not have prescribed this drug for a man in his condition, then I would file a report with the AMA and also go online and find every profile he has that allow you to write reviews and post that you are not happy with this doctor.

I would also contact the police about this family. The lady he is having the relationship with may or may not be involved. She may be a victim of her brother also. I would also talk to the people who run this senior center and let them know your concerns. Ask around, this may have happened to someone else there. If it did see if they will talk to the police also.

A person with dementia is not capable of making sound rational decisions. You may not be able to do anything about the money. I understand your concern in this area. He could quickly deplete his money and if he would need assistance may not qualify for medicaid with the 5 year look back policy. They would want to know what he did with all his money and may suspect that he gave it to you so he could qualify.
Good luck on this very difficult situation.
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Another thing that you might not of thought of, the old gentleman is going to need checked for STDs. Yikes.
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He's not demented, he's just having the time of his life. You won't get a POA out of him as long as he can still have sex; if it kills him he will go out with a smile.
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HI..have YOU contacted the Authorities to explain these large sums of money going
to a household of a person he is haveing sex with &Her Ex-con brother.that he is 88
and is being extorted. so that you cant do anything but YOU need help!!
please dont hesitate..sooner u get this nipped in the bud..the sooner they can stop
doing the Racket on HIM!
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Pammaw10: You said your Dad was in early stages of dementia 6 mos. ago when he came to live with you and your husband. Presume this is documented in doctors records. #1: Get rid of the Guns (permit is immaterial) - he is a danger to himself and society. Call the local PD, and they will come and get them. You may have to do this while he is not on the scene (perhaps while sleeping). #2: Take away the car keys - don't stand for any arguments from him. He has already demonstrated a serious lack of responsibility and awareness. No one with diminished mental capacity has the right to endanger himself or others on the road. These are the immediate major concerns - tough issues - call on your husband to back up your efforts and present a united front. If Dad puts up a fuss, tell him he will have to prove to you that he can still drive responsibly by taking a new driving test. Bring a letter from the doctor stating that he has dementia and should no longer be driving. MVC will then aoutomatically fail him and take away DL.

As for the money issues, if you are not already POA or legal guardian, do whatever is necessary to make that happen ASAP. Go to the bank and see if you can get dual signature requirement for WD's and check-writing. Then you can monitor where the money goes. Call and Elder Law attorney to help you if necessary (lots of resources on this site).

As for the sex, it is questionable where he got the Cialis if not from his doctor, so check that out. If it is legit, tell Dad if he doesn't cooperate with you in all other areas, you will tell the doctor not to renew his script!! LOL
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Please forgive me Pammaw, but I have to say that it made me smile to know that your dad is getting more action than I am!! Your concerns are very real, and great advice has been given. I am only in my 40's and caring for my Mom has killed any social life and libido. Best of luck...
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There should be some sort of governmental agency (city, county, etc) on aging in your area. They should be able to provide you with some help asap. I spoke w/ my dad's doctors prior to each appointment (including his eye doctor) about his poor driving, etc. They happily told me dad that he could no longer drive. One dr even took the additional step of telling him she was reporting him to the state that he could no longer drive; but keep his license for id. He wasn't happy about it, but since it came from a dr, he accepted it more readily. As for the other items, go see an eldercare atty asap. They can advise you regarding guardianship, etc. Your dad may not want to sign a DPOA. So the attorney can provide other alternatives. Seeing the attorney was a lifesaver for my family.
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All of this advice you're getting is easy to say but hard to do. Of course you should take away his gun and car and stop him from spending every dime he has. But how?!
I agree with those who are recommending you start slowly proceed carefully.
You could begin by talking with him about helping with expenses since he has moved in. As someone else suggested, having him pay you rent would at least save some of his money from the clutches of his shady-sounding lady friend. Negotiate as high a contribution as you can (again, it's that much less that will be thrown away and then some of it can be available if he needs it later).
As for the car, a little white lie here may help. Pull a spark plug or something on the car. When he can't start it, have it 'towed away' (take it somewhere it can remain for an extended period). You can buy some time while it's "in the shop" to get your dad accustomed to some other way to get around. He has income, so you could hire a companion (with a car) for a couple of hours a day (I know someone who does this for several elderly clients for just $10 an hour) to drive him where he wants to go.
I'm actually in this process with my own dad right now, trying to get him to develop a new routine that doesn't involve aimlessly driving around all day. He, unfortunately, squandered away all of his money before we realized that he had been unable to make rational decisions about his finances for a pretty long time.
Oh, as for the guns, they need to be 'stolen' ASAP.
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One other thing: TAKE THE GUNS AWAY RIGHT NOW!!!!!!
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Wow! Do you ever have a problem on your hands!

OK, a couple of questions: DO you have Power of Attorney? If not, Dad is unlikely to grant it right now.

Do you have the ability to talk to Dad's doctor? You need to tell the doc what's going on! I cannot believe anyone would prescribe Cialis for a man that age! Also, the doc can assess your dad's dementia. In some states, the doc can recommend he stop driving, or at least that he go to a testing center in order to keep his license. When does his license expire, BTW? If he loses his wheels, will this woman move on to greener pastures?

I agree (and I think you know this) that you have to take the keys and the car away. Yes, he will be really mad. And you have to forbid him from seeing this woman anymore. Yes, he will be really mad.

When we have to do things that my parents don't like, I remind then that when I was a kid and was about to do something foolish, they would step in and forbid me from doing it. Even as an adult, they were never shy about telling me what they thought about my choices and my friends (especially dates). And I would get really mad! And they were usually proven to be correct. Now it is your turn to take on that role. It's always tough for both the parent and the child when the roles reverse, but it is in his best interests.

If he becomes too difficult for you to handle, perhaps assisted living is the answer. If he's spending $3,000 - $4,000 per month on assisted living, he won't have it to give to the girlfriend.
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Hi angelwhyspers, early stage dementia doesn't mean he has been declared incapacitated. A doctor has to be willing to sign documentation stating the father is mentally incapacitated by his dementia. Plenty of folks have some dementia but are not incapacitated.
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I am not much on confronting elderly parents and giving ultimatums. It is easy for me to say what you "should" do. Right now, my 94 yo mother wants her expensive jewelry at the nursing home. I just had this conversation with her this morning. It is all she talks about.

But in your situation, I would disable the car and the guns.
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Your father may have a permit for those guns, but does it include a license to conceal those weapons, which he is doing. If not he is in violation of the law and that is one way you can legally get those guns removed. As for his car, get a hold of the Department of Motor Vehicles in your state. Your father may have rights, but it doesn't include caussing injury or death to innocent people!!!!!
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The last thing a 88 yr old with dementia needs is a gun! The next to the last thing he needs is a car! I say this with great compassions as my 87 YO father has both as well and we are trying to convince him otherwise and it is horrible. Apparently they hand out Cialis like candy because my 88 YO FIL has a drawer full as well, and his GF is 91 (can't think there is much going on there as she is incontinent has 3 full time caregivers and needs a walker. I wonder if just having the stuff makes them happy about the possibilities? Needless to say, I would be very concerned about the people he is hanging out with! Any way you could get him to agree to an allowance system so he does not burn through everything that he has? In our county you can check on someones arrest record online for free, maybe you might want to check on the GF . Is he at least a little willing to listen to reason? If you report bad driving your state might be willing to pull his lisc. and that would keep him home a little more.
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The elder care lawyer idea seems like the best one to me. Get one ASAP and see what you can do legally. Even if they limit your legal options, you can pull a wire on that car and disable it. The guns should be hidden immediately. Do you have siblings?
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Listen to the folks saying to get the car and guns away from him. You're also going to have to get control of his funds, or there will be no funds left to take care of him in his last days. It will get ugly, uglier than you can imagine. Persevere. You don't want to find your dad dead in a ditch, or worse.
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depends on the state and the DMV but honestly before he hurts someone take his license away.What if's pop into my head..what if he runs over a little one ,or a mother and her kids.Also sounds like the lady in question is taking advantage of him.Please contact his doctor(s) and the head of the facility he is at.Something has to be done before he is in jail for hurting someone.
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It seems that there are several issues, all of which need to be taken care of. Speak to his doctor about driving and him possessing guns and his anger and his dementia. Perhaps he needs another evaluation. Contact the DMV re a driving test to assess if he has the capabilities to drive. Also contact the police about the guns, and driving and his dementia. Can you hide the guns for now, disable them, disable the car? Have you contacted the local Agency on Aging and also Social Services for their advice. You may want to consider contacting APS as well. Your dad is being taken advantage of big time. If you do not have DPOA. get it and limit his access to his finances. I am having to do that with my mother right now. I know she will be mad, but once they have crossed a certain line in terms of making unsafe decisions, the family should step in. Having him mad at family is a whole lot better than him getting in an accident, or spending all his money on this "lady" or blowing someone's head off with a gun. I don't live in the US, but surely there is some guideline about the mental health and capacity of someone who can own guns. If you limit the money he can spend on his girlfriend, I think you will see her lose interest in him pretty quickly.He is the goose who laid the golden egg for her. I think we all know that is where her interest lies, and she is using sex for her own gain - nothing new about that. Your dad needs some protection. Document what is happening so you have notes to refer to when you speak with these people, and keep it as factual as possible, while still showing your concern. (((((((hugs)))))) and come back and let us know how it goes. It is a very difficult time in a family.
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This is a difficult situation and there are no cut and dried answers.
Getting an elder declared unfit to drive is extremely difficult. The police really have no power until he gets in an accident. DMV don't seem to have any power as long as he passes the vision test at least in our part of NYS. The Drs can . tell their patients they are unsafe to drive but can't enforce it. The only redress is to disable the car so it can't be driven.
It was very nice of you to offer to have your father live with you after your mother's death. perhaps you can have him pay a substantial amount each month for his board and keep and you could set that money aside secretly for his future needs.
As far as the guns are concerned capthardass answered that question in another post on a way to disable them which was not apparent to the owner but I can't remember his advice and don't know if it would work with an old soldier.
And finally you need to contact an elder care lawyer to see what your legal options are.
The girl friend and her brother may be extorting money from your dad but you would have to find evidence that they are doing something illegal.
As far as sex and the cialis are concerned. Only six pills are allowed each month so that may limit his activity in that department. Also consider that he may not have been very active with his wife in the final years of her life and feels the need to "make up for lost time" as far as inappropriate remarks about sex in your home, it is your home and here you and your husband set the rules so simply do not allow it and if he persists simply leave the room. also be aware that he may be contacting sexually transmitted diseases from this woman.
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You can only do what is allowed by law in the state that you live. My husband's Uncle lived in Colorado and his Uncle lived in Senior housing, a woman in her 40's who was a food server in his dining room started showing him some interest, making little remarks and flirting with him at dinner while she served. Eventually she was invited to his apartment and later given a key. She engaged in open sexuality with him in front of other visitors just to keep his attention on her. She kept all of this from her employer and when they found out, she quit and he supported her by giving her over 3,000 a month, my husband was livid as he of POA. The Uncle was on meds for dementia and was retired from his attorney office but he got his attorney to change his will, revoke the POA, appointed another who let the situation go, he disowned my husband who had cared for him during all those years, left his money to relatives he never saw, the girlfriend who was young enough to be his grand daughter and the POA but most to charity. Nothing could be done because the law did not allow it. So my advice is to go slowly, check out how your Dad is spending his money, talk with Dr. and see what the law is. My husband did these things but nothing worked, the Uncle was so far gone from dementia he told everyone that my husband stole from him, not a small amount but around 500,000, the whole family believed him, he said my husband was destitute,lived off the government and family and friends, they all believed this hogwash. In short, unless everyone is ethical or you are very determined you may not be able to do much.
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You MUST do all you can to get the car away from your dad, and worry about him being angry later. If he gets into an accident, you could lose him, whomever he hits, and the family's entire savings. I spent almost 4 years trying to figure out how to get my mother's car away from her without insulting her. I managed to convince her doctor to get in touch with DMV to have her license revoked, but the car situation was terrible. I finally concocted a story about needing it for a week as mine was in need of repair -- and then I didn't return it. My mother occasionally asks about it, but slowly is conceding to it being "gone." Same with firearms. You can't worry about offending your father. With such a volatile situation at his girlfriend's home, you simply can't afford to leave sound judgement up to him. Police stations occasionally have "no questions asked" periods where they will accept weapons....call ahead, make sure they're unloaded, or if they're locked, leave them in your car but definitely let police know the situation. Good luck!
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OncehatedDIL in answer to your question of wether he is mentally incapacitated she quote "My 88 year old Father was frail and in the early stages of dementia so asked him if he would come live me and He readily agreed."
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To 2TiredinFlorida, although the initial concern may be about money spending, it also concerns his health. If all his retirement money is spent on a blood-sucking flounderer, how on earth will he be able to take care of his own health needs? My family is in a similar situation where my step-dad met a woman within weeks of the death of his wife. That woman and her children spent every dime of his very sizeable nest egg, forcing him to sell his dream home and succumb to even more depletion of his assets. At 84, he sought employment to further support her spending habits. He only worked 6 months when he suffered a heart attack and was told he could no longer work. NOW who's going to help HIM? Of his 2 blood sons, one is in a nursing home and the other barely survives on minimum wage (and lives with a younger couple). There is a reason we work to save money for our "golden years"....and it ain't to spend on someone else who did not save!
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I have to disagree, a guardian has the ability to limit access to money (which can be contested by the ward) but a regular POA can only do what the person wants. Has your father been diagnosed as mentally incapacitated?
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If you have POA you should be able to talk to the bank manager about this money. Second is the Dr. about this cialis and the concerns that you have in this area. And you should look into having his license revoked, actually the Dr. should have done that already sonce he has been diagnoised with denetia. If you can have the bank manager put a limit on his spending it would help in that area, but you would have to have POA. I would consider having these people looked into.
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