My Mother passed away 6 months ago. Mom paid all the bills, cooked, ran the household and drove prior to her death. My 88 year old Father was frail and in the early stages of dementia so asked him if he would come live me and He readily agreed. After a mourning period of about 3 months I started taking Dad to the local Retirement Center to meet some people. Dad met a 71 year old woman and in a short period of time has started a relationship with her. At first I was happy about this but several worrisome issues have cropped up:
He has decided he can drive again and has started driving his old 1992 Cadillac. He drives very slowly and has left the car running and the doors wide open when he comes home. I worry about him hurting himself or others.
He has started spending most of his retirement checks. He has no bills but he draws out about $2,200.00 cash each month and it is disappearing. He told me he was paying for his girlfriends bills, buying her groceries etc. To make matters worse she has a 50 year old brother who has been in Prison twice for armed robbery. Her brother is currently living with her and he uses her car to get around and also borrows money from her. Dad is consumed with anger toward this Brother and tells me that he is going to have to handle the situation somehow. Dad has a permit to carry guns and has two of them in his car. It is a volitile situations.
Another major concern is that Dad seems obsessed with sex. He has started taking Cialis and I am worried about his heart. He also talks about sex in an inappropriate way around me and my husband. Apparently he and his lady friend have been pretty active in this department.
My Dad is former Military and has always been a little rough around the edges, but he was a good Father and Husband to my Mom. I am seeing a totally different side to him and I'm wondering if it could be attributed to his dementia. I'm really worried about him and don't know what to do.
Get the car and guns away from him for his safety and the safety of others. Talk to the doctor, if you get nowhere, which I suspect since a reasonable doctor would not have prescribed this drug for a man in his condition, then I would file a report with the AMA and also go online and find every profile he has that allow you to write reviews and post that you are not happy with this doctor.
I would also contact the police about this family. The lady he is having the relationship with may or may not be involved. She may be a victim of her brother also. I would also talk to the people who run this senior center and let them know your concerns. Ask around, this may have happened to someone else there. If it did see if they will talk to the police also.
A person with dementia is not capable of making sound rational decisions. You may not be able to do anything about the money. I understand your concern in this area. He could quickly deplete his money and if he would need assistance may not qualify for medicaid with the 5 year look back policy. They would want to know what he did with all his money and may suspect that he gave it to you so he could qualify.
Good luck on this very difficult situation.
doctors. 2 ppl asking for money for themselves and then sex is the Bonus..so sometimes at his age if he thinks he's cool and has that then when nonone that young ..plese dont wait. report them.
He did have what I would certainly call early stages of dementia but by no means was he unable to make his own decisions. You might see if you can have your dad evaluated and you can put your foot down and refuse to have him in your home if he doesn't cut it out (it is selfish to spend crazily and live with you for free). But! Guns? Cars? Cialis? OMG. You are in my prayers!
The rest does sound like a problem, and I would be worried too.
Terrim, I'm with you on this one!
The first thing I'd do is get the car keys away from him. Sorry. No more driving. Good Lord, he's a danger on the road (drives VERY slowly and leaves the car running and doors wide open) and he's driving around with guns in the car??? Yikes! The girlfriend's brother is a FELON! It sounds to me like the girlfriend's got your father's number (recently widowed, lonely, has money) and is using sex as a way to your father's heart and money. If the girlfriend was on the up and up, she wouldn't be asking for money AT ALL. These people sound really dangerous and like others comments, I'd be calling the police and nipping this "relationship" in the bud. Get the car keys and get rid of the 21-year old car! Terrim, I have no problem with elderly people getting together and enjoying their final years, but this is NOT a "relationship" -- it's extortion.
attention towards yourself..without contacting the Authorities and helping him. I thot
that is what u needed.....-this is a Crime. one w/temptations of sex&false love to gain money for her&her family. this may not be their first rodeo..but IF u all want help..then contacting the Authorities is the way to do it. not being on the Internet waiting for a message to the 45th Answer to this.
this Extortion of money for sex etc..and with a Ex-Con receiving probably half of the
proceeds in order for im to do what he wants. Meeting them will not stop this Party.
only enhance it as she knows &the brother knows..2,000 bucks is nice to have without doing anything much for it but laying there or Partying.what a Summer for them!! stop reading Posts and contact the Authorities if you want to stop enabling them.
If daddy wants sex, I say " have at it buddy". But if his girlfriend has ulterior motives, Pammaw has every right to be alarmed especially if she may get stuck supporting her irresponsible father who couldn't keep his wallet closed. It IS his money, but if blowing it means his daughter may eventually have to foot the bill, then Pammaw needs to have a stern talk with daddy to let him know where he is headed. Penniless at 88, even by your own decisions, would be horrible.
- "They say the mind is the second thing to go..."
- "Really? What's the first?"
- "l can't remember..."
But, actually "SEX" is about the last thing to go. But that aside, using erectile dysfunction drugs can be very hazardous as the reason for needing them in the first place is generally lack of circulatory function, indicating some heart or vascular insufficienc. Using ED drugs puts a strain on the heart. AND, where is dad getting them? His "girlfriend" or the dastardly brother, HIS doctor, some other doctor, the Internet? How is dad accomplishing this on his own? Do you have HPOA? You could start by talking with his doctor. Get some answers, some medical advice. It can't be good for him even if he enjoys the sex because that's not the point.
YOU I have to believe that it's time for you to start taking action. One of the ways I determine how far I needed to go when dealing with a dementia person is what is THEIR own capacity in dealing with something? ARE THE EFFECTUAL OR NOT? If you take the keys away and the car is still sitting there, YOU will have nothing but grief. If the car (and the guns) are just gone - out of sight, out of mind - what would he be able to do? Would hey call the police in demand something to be done. OR what he sit back and rely on you to do it for him because he really isn't able to manage doing those kinds of things anymore? You have to plan your actions based on his ability to be affected in dealing with his life.
If you remove the car, he can't drive to the girlfriend, he can't drive to the bank, you can't drive to the doctor, he can't drive to the pharmacy, etc. I don't know but maybe that would be the beginning of solving your problems.
You already attended doctors appointment with him, don't you? If not, that should start immediately!
And if you don't have a DPOA and HPOA, get them now while you can but only after the car has disappeared and oh my!? If the people breeding your father dry were not crooks, they would not be accepting that kind of money from him. Keep that in mind. If you discover that they know where you live, have documentation prepared already about what has been happening and do not delay in calling the police.
My situation is different but I had to report unsafe, dangerous, violent, inappropriate behavior to my fathers doctor, police, and a neighbor contacted his employer, yes he is 84 loosing his vision, and drives to work on the swing shift for an armed guard service?
I don't know what his employer is doing with him other than they took his service revolver, probably just uses it at work now. He has other guns so this is not that much of a change. Other than he is being forced to face what he does to me, and he does not care one bit. So, I am trying to take care of me now, and I am worried as I am running out of funds and he is the only source I have when that occurs, now I am afraid to ask as I always was.
I am just trying to keep things quiet, and avoid any contact with him on any level. The weekends are hard, he is here all day and sits down stairs with headphones on (Thank Gawd) and watches TV (he blasts the TV 100%) it is unbearable, he did that when I first moved in and I showed him he could go completely incognito with headphones on and he goes for it still.
I know he is going to lash out again. He threatened to throw me out for the neighbors reporting him. He nauseates me, always has, weak, useless old bastard. Cheap, mizer, liar, pervert all of the worst traits.