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Hi golfbhard! First, you're not alone. Judging the response on this thread, we're many in the same boat. I enjoyed reading the thread and can't help but agree with all the sarcasm, anger, rant, vent and many inspiring words, ideas for self-therapy to keep you level-headed & balanced. It's never easy this caregiving duties. I'm into my 19 years of caregiving for my mom. I'm an only child.And I'm also a single parent, so yes I'm sandwiched between 2 generations. I declared to myself that God didn't ordain for a family to be headed by one only. And that's me. So I prayed very hard and I'm taking charge of my love life and hopeful that one day I meet a man who will be the right one. He's not Mr. Right, he can be Mr. Alright. I've seen the toll it took on my mom when she remained a single parent all her life. It seemed she missed on live's many opportunities. So then, I don't want to miss the chance to get married, to say my "I do" so this year even though I'm stuck to my caregiving duties, I'm trying my best to find love outside of the 4 walls of my house. It's never easy as most parents are never friendly towards a lover/potential husband. They immediately think their daughter will be stolen from them & in case of my mom so dead scared she'll be left all alone. I feel like I've been imprisoned by my circumstances for so long now, it's time to break free. Thanks to this site, I feel less guilty when I look for my own needs and take care of myself. As my ex-officemate declared her mantra in life, I will imitate her, and declare that mantra too . Do u wanna know what it is? It's a very simple --- "I love myself." Take care of yourself, cuz no one will take care of it for you. Love & smiles to you & to my fellow caregivers!
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We are care givers - whatever that care entails. Whether it is in our home or in Assisted Living or a Nursing Home. If we care - we will show that we care and visit often and see to it that our loved one is cared for and never neglected.

Our loved ones' well being and OUR well being need to be considered equally when making these decisions. So often we go into something like this when things are fairly easy to deal with only to find out a few years later that the dynamics have changed dramatically and we just may not be able to handle it alone anymore - and so very often the care giver is doing it alone. It's what they call being between a rock and a hard place. And of course the care giver - the one who does the most for the loved one is also the one who gets the brunt of the ill will from the older one - the more independence they lose. :0(

But, I still say that when the day comes that we cannot or do not CARE for the loved one and everyone is miserable - that's the time to re-think things. Our loved ones deserve to be cared for by someone who really cares. I just hope I can continue to do this for as long as she needs me. I'll give it my best shot. But there may come a day when other arrangements must be made. And I know we should not feel guilty - but most of us will anyway.

Thank you for your perspective anne123 and your story. Sometimes we just can't make everything ok. We have to accept that.
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not that I do any of these things but, maybe you like to build puzzles,or bake. Baking all kind of cookies is alot of fun. They'll never go to waste because everyone loves them. Maybe even get a pet. They always cheer you up. My mother in law was never a pet person, especially to cats.We have a 2 year old cat. She had kittens and we kept one. The kitten is 11 months old. My mother in law loves them. They really keep her entertained and keep her company. Her chair is near the living room door,so she lets them in and out ALL day. Granted my furnace never stops running ,but it keeps her busy!!! SO the point is maybe a pet will fill your time and it will show you tons of affection and love.
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19 years of caregiving??? I sure hope you find love this year, you so deserve it.
Yes, animals help. We got a mini austrailian Labradoodle on mom's 90th birthday (he is in profil pic) and she loves him to death. She would never allow a dog in the house when we were growing up. He has given her and us a new lease on life.
Oldcodger: do you live in florida....ie the palm trees. You said you dream of vacations..me too. I especially dream of the day we can move to Florida. I turned one of our bedrooms here into a Florida motif so when we move (if ever) It will be our master tropical suite there. Daydreaming positivily helps, it's just when the negative thoughts creep in.
Now that I am unwell, mom is a little bit put off. I guess I'm not showering her with enough attention like normal. I am trying to make her do more things herself. She can dress herself....(sometimes changes clothes several times a day -oh the laundry!!!) But when it it time to put on new depend or pjs at night she holds her legs out for me to do it. So I started handing them to her and tell her she can do it herself. A nurse that came to the house told me there is a thing called "learned helplessness". I started waiting on her hand and foot and she is all over the house when she wants to be (likes to snoop) but will be right in the kitchen and say "I need water". I think I created a little spoiled mommy. Is that what we all do in caregiving....try to give too much? I'd like to know if any of you did the same, then we have created more work for ourselves.
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Mom wants a pet a dog too but she's not mobile enough to take care of it except to pet it. I love cats and have had them in the past but before moving back in with mom -- had to get rid of my cats (mom's request. But after this 24/7 365 caregiving role has changed my position on pets. I don't want anything else to "need" me so sorry mom -- no pets! I would like to look into an agency that brings dogs over for therapy and then takes them home. Has anyone heard of a pet therapy for elders that brings them to the home?
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Just be careful that the older one won't trip over an 'overly active' puppy or dog. My MIL's sister's grandchildren (a mouthful) got her a Yorkie puppy - she is 89. NOT a good fit. She tripped over it twice and it had to go. So, match the personality of the animal with the older one carefully.

Yes, I think I did the 'spoiling' for a very long time. NOT GOOD. Her nurse told me I just HAD to stop hovering and ALLOW her to do what she could for herself even if it takes her a while. So, she dresses herself (unless a crisis makes help necessary - it happens once in a while - like when she had surgeries), she make her bed (I change the sheets for her), she does her own laundry (has her own machine) and does most of her own dishes - she has a small apt. attached to our home). I do the major cleaning and vacuuming. She isn't able to keep track of meds or checkbook - but I let her do what she can. I think I do most of the worrying :0) I pay her bills, keep track of Insurance, prescriptions - that sort of thing. I cook most all the meals and she reheats leftovers in the microwave sometimes. So, as long as they can do something without danger to themselves - we have to step back and and allow them to do it. It preserves their dignity.

We used to laugh a lot more than we do now. But, if someone sends me a funny email - I print them out for her and she gets a laugh too. She has so few things to laugh about - we need to help them find them.

OH, the UPS and DOWNS of care-giving. We all have them. But, sometimes I just wish I could go back to being just her daughter in law and friend - like it used to be when she was well. Those were good times. I have to try and remind myself of those good times and remind her too. We can all forget why we are doing this.

golfbhard - no, don't live in Florida - but my BEST dream vacation is on a beach anywhere in Hawaii :0) Therefore - the palm trees. :0) I'd take the Florida panhandle, too ha ha
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My dad has recently been diagnosed with onset early memory loss and AD. He is 82 and lives with my mom who is the primary caregiver at home and she is 80 and has a heart condition and needs to take care of herself also. I am one of 3 siblings who are helping her and my dad. my sister is a nurse and she is the one sibling who is the closest to my parents. What can we as siblings do for my dad -other than taking him for a ride or another place for lunch or do an activity? And also to lend support to my mom? This entire thing is new for the entire family and we want to do the best we can for both our parents. Any help would be appreciated! Blessings to all that respond!
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I am new to this thread.. but not this site.. and for my feeling of imprisionment this site has saved my sanity.. I can no longer leave the house much at all.. and I also have no help.. I miss spending time w/my kids and husband doing family stuff.. going to dinner..movies ect.. cant bring my mom because she tends to complain a lot! and I don't want to ruin everyones evening out.. so they go out and I am home day and night unless Im taking someone to a Dr. appt.. I dont even bother to put makeup on anymore.. I feel for what..I dont leave the house.. I feel guilty feeling like I am missing out on spending time w/my kids and husband..or feeling like life is passing me by.. because I know my mom needs me.. so..we watch her shows..(All in the family).. I do feel like my only reason to get out of bed is to answer all the same questions as the day before..cook..clean and then mentally be completely drained.. I wish I had some advice to offer.. but one thing I will say.. Thank God for this site!!!!!
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Izabella, I am new to this site but have already felt a weight lift off of my shoulders. Now I don't feel the need to babble on like an idiot every time I can get alone with another adult, about what 'she' did today!

I so appreciate the non judgemental, understanding responses I have found here.

As babyboomers I guess we should have looked ahead and prepared better but hey, we never thought we would live this long, right? :-)
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Rockinrobin - it is wonderful and RARE that all of you kids are willing to help your mom with your dad's care. Early on, it won't be as hard as it will be later. But, make sure you don't 'allow' the sibling who lives the closest and who has the 'qualifications' to end up with the majority of the support for mom and dad. That is easy to do and so unfair.

From a caregiver's perspective - the thing that I long for the most and get the least is 'relief' or 'respite' or a 'break' or whatever you want to call it. So, if you other kids can spend time with dad and allow someone else take mom out for the afternoon - that is always a welcome break for a caregiver. If mom isn't willing to leave him - try and talk her into it. If dad enjoys car rides - go together and enjoy your time together. Stop for ice cream or something everyone can still enjoy together.

If your sister who is the nurse ends up with the majority of the care-giving support for your mom and dad - make sure she gets a break from it - regularly!! Be sure to thank her! Ask your mom what she needs. If it is early - she may not even know yet. Keep asking.

It gets old real fast to be the one 'on call' all the time. So, offer your assistance taking him to the doctor, on outings, that sort of thing. Keep offering. Read some of the threads on this forum and you will be able to see and hear a 'theme' - act on that. Don't let your mom and sister do it all. It is so easy to do that - we all know how it is with 'out of sight, out of mind.'

Sadly, my MIL has 2 other sons who rarely call or visit and don't offer any breaks for us as her full time care givers. This is the case with many caregivers - I think. The other kids are more than willing to back off and forget about it. How sad. It just makes a difficult situation more difficult. I figure is another family member can offer 1 week respite per year - they still have 99% of their life as their own. Offer 3 weeks and you still have 95% of your life to live as you please. Do the math - don't forget to help. Your family is rare indeed. Your parents did something right :0)

I am sorry to hear your family is facing this sad and difficult situation. But there is support here on this forum. Take care of each other and spread out the burden - when it becomes harder to deal with. Many hands make the load lighter. :0)
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Our sitter is a local lady. She is elderly herself but very capable, has no family or pets at home and is thrilled to be of service to us. I found her thru a local pastor's wife. You might try a church and see if you can find someone who would love to minister; usually a much cheaper option than a nurse unless you actually need a nurse. While I have a contract job that is irregular and gets me out a few hrs a week, I make a point of getting out of the house several hrs a week for me - yoga and working out at the gym. Even with that I still feel like I'm in prison. In the summer, I work outside a lot. Hate to voice this but I'm at the place that I am not "glad" to be doing this job.
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I definitely understand what you are saying Anita. There are days when you just have to make a conscious choice the moment your eyes open in the morning to stuff it and not dwell on the suffocating feeling by using all your emotional energy to think about something else. That's key...you can't just choose not to think about something, you also have to force yourself to concentrate on something different at that moment. It doesn't help at all that it is winter and you can't get outside, does it!

I get really steamed at times knowing that some peoples attitude is that hey, my mom can dress herself and handle her bathroom needs so it's not a big deal. She looks ok, so it must be that everything is peachy. Yeah... (My brother is one of these. He has been to visit her once in the past 3 years.) And I am educating people that they can just stuff the "well just think how much worse it could be" observation. When folks are having a bad day and going thru a time when they can get from where they are right now to "so much worse" in a literal fraction of a heartbeat, they do NOT need the reminder of what can happen a moment from now. Thank you, shut up already! Or are you really trying to push me over the edge, hm? sheesh! Of course these are the ones who have never been in our shoes. These are people I learn to just not talk to any more. And then there was this lady at my church (and yes she is one very strange duck to begin with!) who routinely asks how my mom is doing. No matter what answer I give, her response is the same, "well, she just wants to DIE you know. They all just want to DIE!" She's just plain creepy so I see her coming and go the other direction. If she does come up to me to talk, I just walk away. Rude, but self preservation, you know?
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Suethequilter - Such truth in your comment! I will share our experience last June with my husband's brother - who thinks that if mom 'looks' ok, she is ok.

My MIL's youngest son came here to stay with her while we went away for a week last June. We left on Saturday morning and without telling us know - he left THE NEXT DAY!. He had said he would be with her for 5 days and our kids were going to be with her the final two days.

My MIL had just been released from the hospital due to sciatica 4 days before, was on steroids, her blood sugar was running over 300 (she needed to check it 3 x a day and write down the numbers - which she forgot to do without someone to remind her), her BP was running high due to pain, she was on pain medication that made her dizzy and her legs were almost too weak for her to stand on due to the sciatica. He arrived Friday night and we loaded the car Saturday morning and as we waved good bye he said 'don't worry, WE will be just fine.'

We had purchased trip cancellation insurance and could have cancelled and gotten our money back - except he said 'go ahead' - 'WE will be fine.' WE???? Give me a break!

No sooner had we left - then HE LEFT. The very next day! We would not have known this except she called our son to ask about a medication and our son called us and said 'I think YOU KNOW WHO is GONE!' I am pretty sure grandma is home alone. Sure enough - mom told him she felt fine, that she could 'manage alone' and he left her and went to VEGAS!

He had to have known he had no intention of staying with her before he came down here - no one buys tickets to Vegas at the last moment and he left for Vegas two days after he left here. What kind of JERK does this to his own brother and sister in law - who have cared for his mother - without any help at all from him in 6 years???

Needless to say, I just about had a stroke when our son called us and we left our condo and came right back home. Lost our respite week, lost our money and we never even got an apology from the JERK! I don't think my BP has ever come back down to normal since. The next three months were spent going to doctors for spinal steroid injections. (each visit took 6-8 hours counting travel time).

He calls her once every month or two and has the SAME CONVERSATION every time and she tells him she is fine and that's it. He doesn't believe us - that she isn't fine.

You just gotta love everyone who always asks about mom and NEVER, EVER, asks how we are holding up.

My MIL can dress herself and deal with her potty needs but if left to her own devices, her meals would consist of crackers and milk, PB & J sandwiches, cold cereal or Lean Cuisine. She would forget her meds 75% of the time.

I don't think anyone can comprehend what it is like to spend so much energy trying to help someone to notice that the sun is shining. How dreary and morose it is to have the SAME conversation day after day after day - mostly about incontinence, constipation, diarrhea, pain, medications, people who are long dead or those who are near death. When she remembers people - she always remembers unpleasant things they did or said. :0(

This is our 'new normal.' Yes, it could be 'so much worse' and we can hardly wait :0(

My MIL waited two weeks to tell us she thinks she had a mini stroke. She told the bath lady last Friday who told her to tell us ASAP and she waited until yesterday. I asked why she didn't say anything when she was experiencing the numbness in her tongue, face and arm and she said 'I don't know.' I told her it was a medical emergency and that many people who have a TIA go on to have a major stroke. Her mother died of a stroke and so did mine. I kept calm and told her that I was going to report this to her doctor - she didn't want me to. Anyway, she is mostly fine (a bit of weakness yet in her arm) and now is taking an adult aspirin a day to thin her blood (guess that is fairly standard for this). So, now this new wrinkle.

I emailed her other two sons about this latest 'mini crisis.' The middle son at least answered back right away. Guess who we haven't heard from yet? You guessed it. Mr. Vegas - her sweet baby!

Thanks for letting me dump. It sure does release a lot of frustration! Thank you!!!
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My mother 93 is as sharp as a tack and I blame her for not telling my younger brother how she really is doing so of course he does not believe me when I tell him she is frail and encourage him to go see her once in a while.
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Oh my gosh! That is so bizarre! I tell my friends that as soon as "they" will make me emperor of the world I have big plans for your brothers' kind of people. I figure this is what God intended when he made the Sahara. Put a good electric fence around the sucker and we can dump them all there.

ah....here's a story...Had an agency sitter staying with my mom one day. This lady had hit it off with my mom right away. Very sweet, it had gone so well for so many weeks. I'd gone for a walk at the park with my friend that day. It was a lovely peaceful day in the middle of a phenomenally stressful time we had been going thru for weeks. We were sitting on a bench in the middle of the rose garden and i was feeling so at peace for the first time in weeks. THEN I got the call from the agency. The sitter had become confused about my return time, decided I was late, and just LEFT MY MOTHER ALONE to go home! It's shocking how quickly your blood pressure can peg out, isn't it? And yes I most certainly did call the owner of the agency later to have a little talk. But it took me 24 hours before I could calm down enough to do it. And yes, part of the conversation was who would NEVER again come to our house. When we go on vacation I have to have a back up plan for my back up plan of the back of plan. And one year we actually did run thru all of those.....while I was 3,000 miles away. Oh yeah, things are just peachy....

Gee, didn't mean to hijack the thread ya'll. Back to the subject that started the thread. Getting outside is huge in helping me cope. Even if it is just to step out on the deck and listen to the birds and feel the fresh air. But a walk in the park is awesome. You might need to take a fist full of kleenex to catch the tears. But I really try to look at it as being my trip away from the stress. I leave it at the gate when I go in. That one day.....didn't work so great! ha I have a handful of close friends who I know have given me a standing invitation that any time I need to go have a good cry somewhere where someone can keep an eye on me if I'm really close to the most dangerous edge of totally falling apart, I can go there. And I know I can call them if I'm in a tight spot for a caregiver. (and then there is the other little item your brother doesn't think about. Have had times when I needed my friends help and it happened to be when all 3 of them were absolutely unavailable at that moment with their own emergencies. Stuff like that just happens.)
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I am so glad you have good friends who get it so you know that generaly when you need it you can have support.
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Yes, 195Austin, they tell everyone they are fine - always. Maybe fear of the alternative - to admit they aren't ok is just one step nearer to a place they don't want to be.

SuetheQ - I firmly believe it 'what goes around comes around' but it still doesn't make things any easier when you cannot count on your family to tell you the truth - and to neglect your own elderly mother? Unconscionable!!! I told her this morning that her middle son answered my email about her TIA and said he hoped she was feeling ok now. She asked if I heard from YOU KNOW WHO and I said no. I know it hurt. But, he has never visited her much - even when she lived fairly close. One of the last times he and his wife visited her before she left the State - his wife wouldn't even go inside the house - she said it 'smelled.' I say roll up your stupid sleeves and go in and give the place a cleaning - she is OLD, just had a knee replacement and can't do it anymore! Instead, they chose to make his mother feel like crap. They still do. It is sad. Some things can't be fixed.
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