How do I come to terms that I hate my narcissistic Mom (80)?

Wow, y'all, this is a really interesting discussion.

For what it is worth, my narcissistic daughter recently sent a mean, nasty, childish text (I'll spare you the long story), and in response I did nothing. Because I am not really as mature as I would need to be to follow Ferris's advice (Ferris, I know you are right but so hard to do!), I was devastated. The "old me" would have apologized for something I hadn't done just to smooth things over and "move on." That has been the drill for two decades (oh, why didn't I go to therapy sooner???). This time I did nothing. No response. Sure enough, in 36 hours, she came around with a new approach. Not an apology, mind you. She has never apologized to anyone in her life. But she initiated a new approach to "move on." I'll take it. I do agree with Bee1998's advice to keep a blank face, or as I always say to myself: stay calm, stay calm, stay calm.

Salisbury - I went a step further the last few years and confronted my daughter about some behaviours towards me that were unacceptable. Some behaviours I just backed away and stayed away until I saw a change - distanced myself. My mother, who is narcissistic, has never apologised to anyone. My daughter has come close a few times. I have just had a skin-full of narcissism and am not putting up with it as I did. I agree with staying calm as they behave outrageously, then feed off the anger of others and turn it back on them. Crazy making behaviour. Detach, detach, detach.

Thank you, emjo23.

I will remember: detach --with love.

Demonstrating love to a narcissist is an art. You have to craft it to not feed into their narcissism, not provoke an attack on yourself, yet nurture those family bonds you want to maintain. It isn't easy and, for me, is still a balancing act. Too much and they take it as an invitation to walk all over you, too little and it is seen as selfishness/abandonment/unloving. My sister is also sociopathic and any demonstration of caring by me is used against me. It is unfortunate, but after all these years of evidence I have to accept it and greatly reduce contact.

How are you doing, Plzhelp?

Emjo, beware the near-apologies. They are not breakthroughs, just means to an end.

My mother falls into the never-apologizing camp. Her reaction to being faced with her hurtful behavior is either to deny it, claim that the accuser is misinterpreting her intentions, or if that fails to claim "That was a long time ago." or "You need to get over it." Never an acknowledgment of fault, or even of the other person's feelings. Never.

thx cm - I am aware, but will still take them as social exchanges. I think apologies are good for her soul, even if not completely sincere. Reminds me of my youngest who at age 6 was sent to his room by his father for refusing to apologise to me for a slight of behaviour. When he stayed there instead of coming down for supper, his dad went to his room and they discussed it Young one finally agreed to apologize to me with the addendum, "But I won't mean it!" I still accepted the apology. He was a lovely and very sociable boy, but had a stubborn streak.

I am wondering how you are too, plz. I ended up not answering phone calls for quite a while. Therapy for me has been extremely helpful over the years. If I didn't click with one I found another one. The guilt is false guilt and they use it it, fear and obligation (FOG) to manipulate you. You can set boundaries.

Being a survivor of a BPD, NPD, bi-polar mother with dementia, I can tell you this:
The anger does nothing to change anything or cause retribution to your mother. The anger will poison your joy. There is a way beyond the anger and into healing.

THERAPY THERAPY THERAPY. BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES.

Therapy comes in many forms. There are a lot of great books about understanding this person you were born to so you can save yourself. Stop Walking on Eggshells is a great place to start. Use the workbook too. You can do this in private. There is a deep well of very complex things to get through, but you can do it if you put in the work.

Google Daughters of Narcissistic Borderline Mothers and there are plenty of communities that come up, where you can interact with others in the same boat. A lot of us here are in that dingy too.

The therapy, be it with a counselor, or a community, a workbook, will enable you to put boundaries in place and not feel guilty.

STOP being on tap. Stop answering the phone unless you feel like it. My mother tried to run my life through the phone from the first day I went off to college until she no longer has a phone in the memory care unit. YOU get to control your end of the phone.

When people give you pressure or judgement or crap for taking this control, and they will, you just tell them to mind their own business. This is going to take time, and the people who needed you to provide their narcissistic supply are going to react very negatively to change. Stand firm.

Be good to yourself every day (like Emjo always says!). Forgive yourself ahead of time for having anger. If you did NOT have anger, you would have some very deep problems. The anger is a sign of life. A sign there is still a person in you who must get out to survive. Instead of letting it eat you, channel it into taking steps.
::HUGS::

I have the same sort of mom and I keep my phone turned off. She's learned that I don't answer so doesn't call often. If she does leave a message it makes me nauseous. If I have to call back I try to leave a message when she's out.

I don't get many calls right now so one phone works for me. If you need a ringing phone you could get a second one that's always on. Your mother can call the turned-off phone.

My mother is very independent, has plenty of money and never asks for help. She makes clear that she doesn't need me or anyone. She cultivates a wide circle of psychophants who suck up to her and think she's wonderful, so they can step in if she needs help.

I may sound brutal but she's abused me--and my pets--all of my life.

I hear ya. Please take care of yourself first and foremost.