How to keep from going crazy while caring for your mother & not having a life?

Lildeb....thank you for your kind words! My heart goes out to all the caregivers.....it truly is a very difficult road to travel. I wish you the best....remember to take care of you as well!! K

Mommao, I am near but not in Ala yet Columbus Ga. However, I don't have the fortunate of having any kids helping me out with the mil. I can get her once n a while to go to a church for 4hrs once a wk. However, since she has been having stomach issues, the only thing I can get her out is at the dr's office n lab work. Hopefully, tomorrow I will know more. She seems to be getting a little better slowly at a time. 47 n holding. ; o .
Thanger, I fully understand the 24/7 thang. Someone told me the reason my mil follows me everywhere is that she feels comfortable with me around as if I am her security blanket. From what you have mention it sounds the same, sorry. I call my mil sometimes my shadow. Yes! It can get very irritating. As other have said, "care-giving is NOT for wussy!" So, keep coming back n go to the topic area if u have not yet called, How are you doing the caregiver" something to that line. & "Grossed out just caught mom brushing her hair with my toothbrush."
Kooski, I feel sometimes packing my own bags n never coming back. Does she Alzheimer or Dementia or just old age n stubbornness.? Not sure you can do anything if she is mentally able to make her own decision. However, I would suggest talking to a social worker n letting them know your concern for her own Safeness n see what they suggest. You still have a life too.
Bigkatie, Good for you for no-one should have to deal with this if it is causing more problems than helping. You can only do so much n you too have your life to live. I am so glad that u took those necessary steps n now can get back to living your own life with your family.
I have been going out of my wits with the mil for when something is wrong with them it seems the Alzheimer's gets worse. At least it seems like the new meds r working but slowly. Hopefully she will get back to her own meanness self.
I hope everyone has a good day today.

I JUST FOUND THE SITE AND I AS MOST OF U ALL R A CAREGIVER OF A FAMILY MEMBER I CARE FOR MY MOM WHOM LIVES WHITH MY HUSBAND AND OUR 3 BOYS 7,16,20 AND THEY R ALL A BIG HELP TO ME WITH MY MOM WHO IS IN A WHEELCHAIR AND HAS MANY HEALTH PROBLEMS..I HAVE BEEN A CAREGIVER TO MY MOM SINCE MY DAD PASSED AWAY IN 2007 ,SHE LIVED BY HERSELF FOR 2YRS AND THEN SHE STARTED GOING DOWN HILL I GO TSITTERS TO COME AND STAY WITH HER TO HELP ME AND MY OLDEST BOYS OUT WICH WE TOOK TURNS STAY WITH HER THEM AT NIGHT AND I WAS IN AND OUT DURNIGN THE DAY WHICH SHE WAS OK DURING THE DAY..I WAS JUST LOOKING FOR PEOPLE WHO WERE IN THE SAME PLACE AS ME AND MY FAMILY TO TALK TO ..IM FROM ALABAMA 42 AND GOING CRAZY FOR HELP...

Care giving 24/7/365 for dementia parents is very stressful to say the least. We had my MIL for two years and it was by far the most difficult task I ever took on. We have always had a wonderful relationship over thirty years.....however, when she was told she had dementia and could no longer live alone we decided to move her into our home. Within months I realized I had taken on a very big responsibility...... no help from any of her children and I had to learn to draw boundaries and become like her parent......that was very difficult for me. unfortunately it all became to much for me with no help and she was requiring more and more attention. I had to make the very difficult decision of placing her into an assisted living home two weeks ago.....I only wish we had done it sooner. She is much happier and my husband and I can start enjoying our lives again . I know it works well for some families however, sometimes it is just not the best thing for everyone involved. When we as caregivers become tired, resentful and no time to take care of ourselves then we are of no good to our parents. Its definitely a very personal decision not to be taken lightly. Since her move our relationship has improved immensely..... living with someone and spending time with that someone is totally different. I feel like I can once again be the daughterinlaw that she deserves!!! She's well cared for has new friends and I'm not the enemy for having to tell her constantly what she needed to do or not do. God bless each one of you.....care giving truly is one difficult undertaking. Just always remember you are not alone and first and foremost take care of yourselves...you will be of no good to anyone if you don't. Take care and God bless!! K

they do have a insulin pump i dont know how it works something to check into.i know how everyone feels.evething was drop in my lap with my mother-in- law. i do everything. plus my husband isnt in the best of health either. plus i work. i didnt relize about dementia and lying and their hurtful lies that are no where near the truth but that is real to them and the sad part is her kids want nothing to do with her.i do the best i can each day sometimes a cry helps but not all the time. once in a while i have to kinda thro a little hissy and it seems to get her attention then she behaves for a while take care

My granddaughter who lives with us pleads with me to get a hobby or just do something else than sit around with mom. I tell her I want too, but mom needs watching. When I do go off in the house by myself and do something, mom either follows me around or does something that gets me upset and I feel bad she gets in those fixes. Granddaughter works outside the home. Sometimes it is like no one understands what 24/7 care actually is.

I am taking care of my Mom, my sisters have moved out of state and my brother shows up twice a month for a total of one hour a month. We do pay for companions and home health aides to come in and sit with mom while I am at work. I really miss just being able to go grocery shopping which I have no time to do anymore and I also feel isolated, and the sad thing is to get a babysitter for mom costs almost what I make an hour. I really have felt the need of this site this past week, so glad that it is here.

I the loan caregiver of my mother 90 years. She still thinks she can live alone after breaking both hips and last year her wrist. I moved her to live in my house with the understanding we would try to make a go of it with options. Lots of tension at times because of hearing aids and then trying to explain things to her. She does not have any mental problems outside of being real stubborn. I set up an appointment with a real nice care facility so the director could explain the options of the facility and also in home care etc. At the same time I made appointment with a counselor who deals with the elderly. She says she does not want to talk to anyone. ?? She is still able to make her own decisions I have power of attorney. I am at my wits in trying to deal with the situation. I do not want to be mean just want a break from the situation. I live out from town so day care is not a option. About ready to pack her bags. Any body feel the same way. What can I do legally?

Rioblu, You may able to find a place that will give u some respite break for a few hours a day. For instances, have u check the website where u can look for a Alzheimer's in your local area to help assist you with your mom special needs?
The both of you could check that area out n I would also see if they have any funds with their "Caregiver Time Out program." Their is a time waiting list so the sooner the better to get on it. I waited for about 3 -6 months n now I get a little help n take my mil to a church for 4hrs one day a week. I could take her for 4 days per week yet,t that would be like trying to pull her teeth. I appreciate the one day a week for 4hrs. If u can get her out the door n at a place a couple of times, who knows she may enjoy herself. You really need that break even if it is a few hrs. Good luck.

I am taking care of my 87 year old mom solo as well. She has dementia, heart and other health issues. Each day is a test of one's patience and strength. Most of all I miss the mother I used to know.

I had to read Paula 2024's message three times to make sure it wasn't me that typed it. I am a diy'er, a loner and 63.I am looking at some home care or home assistance possibilities and even looking into setting up some kind of time exchange group with other caregivers in the area to help each other out, but since we are at the stage where mom doesn't want to be more than 2 feet away from me 24/7, I am not sure it will work out for her. I have no words of wisdom to share, but here's to each of us for doing what we can for our loved ones for as long as we can.

Thank you jeannegibbs. My grandma would rather stay in her home but we cannot afford two paid caregivers for long. She complains about having to pay caregivers $10 per hour and says half of that is sufficient. Her caregiver prepares her meals, bathes her, helps her in and out of bed, takes her to the toilet, wipes her and cleans her, does laundry and cleans the house. At this point I am always there because it is now taking two people to help her in and out of bed and to the toilet. One person holds her because she wants to fall over and the other wipes and cleans her.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart! In the same boat! I do not want to look at my annual social security earnings review. It's 0 for last year. Will be turning 60 next year. How does one explain this to the young people around? They hate Boomer's the way it is!

verytired, of course it is not wrong for you to be figuring out what is the best way for Grandma to have quality care and for you to have a life as well.

One option would be to have a second paid caregiver. Can she afford that?

Going back to skilled nursing care is also an option. When two people or even more are needed for a specific care task, they are available. You would be her advocate, see that she gets good care, visit her often, and cheer her up, but not have responsibility for lifting, transferring, or toileting her.

Maybe with more therapy she would be able to come home with a single caregiver. Stay open to that possibility. But Parkinson's and dementia are both progressive diseases, and you can expect them to get worse.

What his Grandma's attitude about being in her home vs being in skilled care?

I am taking care of my 84 year old grandma. Both my father and my uncle are deceased. She has Parkinsons and some dementia. Although she has had 24 hour care at home for the past year, she fell and broke her hip recently and spent four weeks in a nursing home receiving daily physical therapy. They released her to come home and since that time, she has needed two caregivers to assist her getting out of bed and on and off the toilet. She also cannot seem to control her bowels right now. She always has someone with her and I am always the second person. With the exception of one evening throught the next afternoon, I haven't had a break. I cannot be with her 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I have my own family and two grandchildren I don't get to spend much time with. Is it wrong of me to want to put her back in a nursing home for a few more months of therapy, or perhaps even permanently?

Your Mom could get continuous glucose monitoring which would help you out when you can't be there. You can also look into adult day care where there are often registered nurses who can administer shots.

Merrilou....yes the answer is YOUR COUNSELING.

In counseling they will maybe to teach you to see that you cannot change your mother, you can only change how you deal with her. It's the simplest, yet hardest thing to understand. Good luck to you.

I am the sole caregiver of my 87 year old mother and have been for 6 1/2 years with no assistance or family near. She is in excellent health other than some short term memory loss but has been acting out lately by running away from home when I do something she doesn't like and refusing to come back. I've taken her to several Dr's and she's been thoroughly checked out. Her doctor is adamant that she can stay alone but I worry that if she gets upset with something I say or do that she will run away from home again although she doesn't go far but she won't come back on her own. She is not lost. Running away was the way she coped with problems her entire life but now she's almost 87! I am currently working from home because of her behavior but I can't do it forever. Friends and family have consistently told me she's very angry but she doesn't show that anger to me and won't talk about anything with me. I wanted to take her to a Social Services counselor this week to talk about the things she is unhappy about so we can try and reconcile them but she ran away because she didn't want to go and I had to call the police. She hid in the woods and it took the police 20 minutes to get her out of the woods and into their car. Once she was home she acted like nothing ever happened and the fact that the police came was no big deal. I would like to put her in assisted living because I am burned out and tired of her behavior but she doesn't want to move even though she tells everyone behind my back how unhappy she is and that I am mean to her. I feel she is manipulating me and I am exhausted. I am 63 & working full time. I have done everything for her I can think of to do but I can't make her happy. I know that's up to her. Has anyone dealt with manipulative seniors? My next move is to seek counseling for myself.

ok my wife have denentia and i cant work all i do is wait on her sometime my brother come by we go fishing but i cant fish for keeping my eyes on her

It has been a learning experience for me for the past 18 months taking care of my mother who is in failing mental and physical health. I know it will soon be her time.
The way I cope with all the problems is to do my best to be here and now. Because that is really all I can do. Anything else is just a story in my head.

I can handle here and now, I can't handle fears and what-ifs. Thank you.

Sujean, I agree that at least their is a place on this site where we can see we r not alone. That we can Vent, Vent, Vent or just flap r jaws about r day. It nice to be able to connect to someone whether it's only one person or 20 for everyone. Like JessieBelle mention that, 'we r all at different stages of burnouts.'
Jasmine, You can also go to other areas on the AD site here to put up post where other people may view your post. Areas like, 'How was your day,' or 'caught mom using my toothbrush.' Just dropping a few lines in those areas can allow other people that may have gone through similar situation that can offer some advice or just a friendly chat. btw, welcome to the board if I have not already had the chance.
Toni999, sorry that your mom had both AD n vascular dementia. U r so right about the Mother nature stuff n how it can be entertaining. I only have one hummy this year but its better than none n I luv digging in the dirt too. You r so lucky your hubby cooks everyday, wow! Mine only knows how to make spam sandwiches n I cannot stand spam, yuck!

Bookworm, Your post on here sometimes helps us n we need you here as well as you need us so don't go do anything crazy. I have felt the same way n was plotting mine as well n then thought who world would take care of the mil? My hubby, yeah right! It can get to you sometimes n I do take a small dose of prozac for a few years. We r only human n can only do so much. That is why if anyone can get some sort of Respite care break or a few hrs break away makes a huge difference. Just seeing other people outside was awesome to me n now with this site is really great on days that I cannot get out because of the mil. I am so glad u r still on the site n didn't go through for how would we keep us all in check n look at u now, you r giving advice when u can n that is awesome. Hell, all us caregivers r all awesome n I think everyone needs to take a few minuets n pat themself on the back. For other people have no clue.

Haroldine, welcome to this site n it is a great place to chat, vent, n education. My time is in the evening time n I guess because I have dealt with stuff all day n it just builds up. I must had forgot to go outside n get in my car with the music loud n just scream to get it off my chest. it helps. Also for those who r new at this caregiving with someone with AD or Dementia their is a great book that I call it my second bible n someone from online here had mention it to me. It really help me to understand about the disease or at least sometimes for I am only human. ; )
It's called, "The 36-Hours," by Nancy L. Mace & Peter V. Rabin.
I reccomend it to anyone new to caregiving. You can get it at a bookstore or sometimes u can get it free from your local Alz.org if they have any left over.

How do I keep from going crazy? I have learned from here to buy headphone sets when the mil is whispering cussing moods. I have learned that everything don't have to be perfectly in place or in order for it will be their for me another day. : ) Hope these little tips out someone out n everyone can get a good night rest.

I am in a similar situation but I have help during the days while I go to work. however, I have found that the big problems and issue usually come up during the evenings. I have felt guilt, frustration, anger, resentment and then feelings of blessings that I have my mom here and am able to take care of her. You have the key, though... lean and trust in God. some days I know that's ALL I can count on. I am brand new to this website. sure I will be sharing more, but my heart goes out to all of you and I look forward to words of wisdom and encouragement :)

Jasmine, it's hard to respond to your discussion. I THINK I had a burnout in early June. Would becoming suicidal, and setting the date- be considered burn out? All I know is that I have been helping my dad caregive mom for 23 years (when I was age 23.) Then last year, he had a stroke and is now bedridden. Just this past June 1st, it hit me that I'm living in a prison, started crying in the restroom, and decided that I will kill myself on Friday. I will just need to make the necessary arrangements. But, a part of me didn't want to die, so I came to this site (which was a blessing since I only found it 3 days prior) and posted for help. I got very good advice and am hanging in there.

I have posted on several threads/discussions. I read your thread but since I'm still struggling to keep my head up in the water - I didn't think it applies to me. So, I didn't post. Sorry...about that...but sometimes, I try to not remember THAT day cuz it was one very scary time for me. Take care!!!

Hi Rio:
I am an only child and have been caring for my mom for a year or so. She has Alzheimers and vascular dementia. Every day is a challenge for me.
I live through the internet and do a lot of gardening. I also have hummingbird feeders. You would be surprised at how much time you can spend just watching different aspects of nature. I am able to spend a lot of time entertaining myself being an only child. My husband is a jewel and makes dinner every day. Mom has good and bad days. With time you will be OK!
Hugs to you. Now we know what life was like in the old days! Tonio999

Jasmine, I am so thankful to just be able to talk out my feelings and know that many understand what I am going through. This is just so great that there is a place to chat and be able to help each other. Back in the day when they said there would be a computer in every home, I said that will never happen. So with the computers come the ability to reach out like never before. I look forward to reading the posts.

Thank you JessieBelle. I'm sorry if I hurt any ones feelings That was truly not my intent. I just feel like an absolute lone ranger right now and dont know which way to turn.

I just dont want anyone else to ever go through what I'm going through and when she said that she feels like shes loosing her mind I recall that feeling and wanted to fully encourage her to reach out on all levels to get the help that she needs.

Jasmine, if other people are like me, they did care enough but had just not been through the same thing.Twelve years is a long time! I looked again at what you wrote, but still couldn't think of anything useful to say. But we do care. We're just in different stages of burnout.

Take it from me, do whatever it takes to give yourself the respite time you feel you need. Although I tried to find find help, the pressure got so overwhelming for me and now I'm trying with everything I've got to regain myself and its by far not easy.

When you hit the point its even harder to find help or people that care. I even tried making a post on this site to see if anyone has been through what I'm going through but only 3 people cared enough to reply. (and I thank them so VERY much for their replies!)

My point is, please do whatever you can to make things easier for yourself. I dont wish whats happened to me on anyone.

lildeb, When she arrived at my house she was not in a very good condition. She was only 97 pounds and now I got her to 120 pounds. She is great condition now, so I have begun to make a little more time for me. Last night we went up to our room and watched tv at 8pm. At 10pm she usually turns over and goes to sleep while watch tv. I told her at 10pm I was going to start to go downstairs for 2 hours until midnight and then I would be back. Well, at 11pm I was the one who needed to check in on her. She said she was fine. I kept the light on the end table so she felt safe. It felt good to have time with family and give her some independence as well. I finally went for my physical today and the doc said exercise. Oh boy, I didn't want to hear that. Also drink more water instead of diet coke, now that is taking away my only devise. For now the diet coke is my friend. Got a laugh at life because it is what it is. Take Care of Yourself.

Sujean, you are too sweet n I can see from reading your post that you are trying to let her feel as comfortable as can be n in the process you know you are giving up some personal time. Small steps at a time n maybe she will eventually be able to sleep by herself. Removing the items that were causing her to see things or people that were not really there was a great idea. I will have to remember that one in case I ever need to fall back on it for my mil. I try to make her feel comfortable n at home as well. I put a lot of her photo albums n her stuff on her walls n let her hang stuff around in her room. It use to be my computer room so now i just use my laptop unless i need the room to make copies from my ole computer. Maybe it won't take too many times n she be sleeping on her own that way you will have more time to spen with your hubby.

Lildeb, When my mom visited and stayed with me before the dementia she slept in this room by herself. We do have night lights in room and hallway. She sometimes wakes in the night and wonders what some shadows are. I had to remove the rocking chair because she could see things in them. Also I had a fan ceiling light and she could see people in it so I removed it and put another light. She wouldn't dress in her room because the people could see her. She was abused somewhat before I rescued her and very insecure. She is getting stronger month by month. We watch tv in bed and I use my laptop, she falls asleep and I just chill until I can fall asleep. Just hard to get any personal time. Thanks for your reply.