My Dad passed away 16 years ago. My Mom doesn’t drive and lived about 35 miles away. My kids were young at the time and I suggested that she wait til she was 62 retire and come live with me to help take care of her grand kids. My Mom was a work horse and enjoyed gardening and her grand kids in her spare time. I have a house with a yard and she could enjoy her gardening and grandkids and it would be easier for me than traveling 35 miles to get her things from store etc. she agreed and said she hated living alone without my father. She also said she didn’t want another relationship or pursue any type relationship with a man after my Dad.
Fast forward my Mom is 77 and still lives with me. She has medical issues and requires lots of doctors appointments. I am divorced and manage a home by myself and my kids are pretty much grown. My oldest is finishing college and my youngest is a junior in high school and will be looking at college soon.
My mom has been pretty independent but I have taken care of her through two knee replacements and recently a fall where she broke bones. Due to me working full time to support my family, my ex mother in law and her were good friends and she took her to a lot of her doctors appointments. My MIL passed away in 2023 and now my neighbor has picked up taking her to appointments and we found an affordable transportation service.
I am in my fifties and want a social life and want to maybe meet someone someday. This next year I will be focusing on getting my son off onto his adult life and my daughter off to college. I have one brother that lives in a different state.
I feel guilty for thinking this but I have thought about an assisted living facility for her at some point and think she would be very hurt if I transitioned her.
I try to think of my life a year from now or 5 years from now and wonder if I will be stuck caregiving and then when that is over I will be alone with no outside hobbies or social life which feels like a dim outlook. I love my mother but she relies on me for everything. I include her in vacations and mostly my daily life but I also tried to have a relationship that ended recently because of my lack of availability during her recent fall and surgery recovery. The relationship ending I posted about here and got some feedback and a glaring response was where do I see myself in 5 to 10 years if she lives that long and that I should not consider getting into any relationships while not having the time to commit to them. I plan on spending the next year focused on getting my kids where they need to be but after that. I love hiking and am getting older myself. I am fit and workout regularly and love to be active. My mom is slowing down and can’t hike and when I go to Boston to visit my son it’s a lot of walking and she can’t do that anymore.
As she is aging I am losing me, my hobbies and social life. My Mom has always been my best friend but she did feel hurt at times when I had a relationship and didn’t include her in things. I explained that I needed and wanted time for myself.
I want to take care of my Mom but I also need me. How do I navigate this?
Doing it when your back is up against a wall--makes it so much harder on everyone.
You have been a standout daughter, by bringing mom into your home and by caring for her for years now that she's declining.
I was surprised by the ALF that my DH put his mother in. (She only lasted 8 days in there, as she died on day 8, and so never got acclimated at all)..however, I was amazed at the activities and outings and such that went on in this place. You could do all the things or none of the things. The comment made by all the sibs was "we should have put mom here 5 years ago!".
I talked to several of the residents and they were all very happy with their settings. They'd made friends (judging by the amount of chatter in the dining room!) and there were always people about, talking & socializing. Impressive, really.
If your mom is able to go with you to tour a few places and she can see what lies ahead--she may be amenable to moving into one. Thus giving her a better QOL and giving you peace that mom is cared for.
If she can be the one who makes the final decision--so much the better.
I guess it really does boil down to finances. My MIL had enough money for YEARS of care. I think it was about $7K for level 1 living. But that's just here in Utah.
Yes, you DO need to take care of you. My DH and his sibs learned that lesson the hard way.
Good Luck with this. I hope your mom has means and desire to make this change. I know it's daunting to think about, but after seeing the care level at the ALF MIL was in--we all felt good about it.
How about we find something you can do at a senior facility so you can connect with people closer to your age? Maybe get into a botanicals class at a botanical or city garden?
find a place where she can volunteer like at a library, or medical facility.
My friend had a part time job at a cruise line, with people in wheelchairs. Helping them board or disembark the ship. He started by checking in luggage or something… he lives it. He gets to meet new people and it’s only a couple days a week..
if you look, you msy find something your mom would like to do to get herself socializing…
No one ever anticipates how challenging caregiving will become. Now that you have lived through this experience, it’s normal for you to want to resume your life on your own.
Start looking into alternative care options for your mom, such as an assisted living facility. If she doesn’t have funds are not available for this, apply for Medicaid and allow her to go into a nursing home.
Wishing you and your family all the best.
Mom needs socialization and so do you. You will always be close from sharing years together. You came to her rescue years ago. You have been an excellent daughter. She may feel a bit scared, maybe a tad hurt...but she'll get it. She needs to make friends her age, get waited on, no more cleaning or dishes!
You have raised your kids, taken Mom in, and been very generous and supportive. It's normal to want your own life back after taking care of everyone else. You need to enjoy life before you can't. I think your Mom will understand.
Given that for all of this time this discussion has not been done, I am certain your mother has assumed that everything was going along just peachy keen. And that you HAVE no thoughts and feelings about a future for yourself, other than you and her and your companionship together.
This worked for BOTH OF YOU for some time.
Now it doesn't work for one of you.
Many here will feel differently--that this was some sort of contractural agreement that you want out of now times are tough.
I don't.
In the case of caregiving, at the point it doesn't work for one in the household then it isn't working, and as tough as that is, in a time when our elders are living to 100, I think that things should be made clear at the BEGINNING of melding a household, that things may change and should be periodically discussed on a routine basis.
Sorry. No way forward but your own CHOICE here in your own mind for your own life, and then discussion of that choice.
After thinking this carefully through you may decide to continue in caregiving.
But your Mom is ONLY 77 and could have two more decades, those decades for YOU that are free and clear of children and some of the most free years of your life.
Be clear to her whatever your decision that it isn't an easy one. You two have been there for one another a long time. Now one of you is saying you choose not to be. Expect a whole lot of grief and shock around that.
This is your one life. I might wish you had thought of this, been a bit more honest with mom ongoing, but you are where you are now and there's no going backward.
I wish you good luck, but no one can decide but you.
so it is not completely out of left field. I love her dearly and wouldn’t be out of her life but if and when the time comes, I want to travel or visit my daughter at college. If I am home bound as she ages and becomes more and more dependent, then how will I accomplish a balanced life. Also before my dad passed I took care of him or them when he couldn’t drive or he was hospitalize and I would get my mom and take her to hospital. My dad was sick for several years before he passed.
i know some woman who have cared for their parents for months or years. I wish I could be that person but I at some point will need to find it safe to travel or go out of the home. She is definitely not at that stage yet but I am thinking ahead.
If she never drove… it sounds like she expected your dad to take care of her? I don’t blame her for not liking living alone, but now she expects the same care from you.
As suggested, show her some AL places she might like. Once she sees there’s activities, can be taken places, other people to chat with… it might win her over?
Instead of “I’m wanting to live my own life and meet someone”, flip it to how AL will benefit her. She may insist she’s happy in your home, but a good AL can offer SO much more. Frame it as your concern for HER.
Once you tour a few ALs, you'll change your mind.
Good luck.
So I will say again(like I did in your other post)that you now have to make a choice between caring for your mom or having a healthy relationship with a man. You can't have both as long as your mom is living with you, as you seem to want to put your mom before any man in your life. Have you talked to your mom about her moving into either independent or assisted living facility? If not, why not?
And so again, you need to just take a break from dating for now until you can figure out what you really want....to care for your mom for the next 10-20 years or be in a healthy relationship with a man.
Hopefully you will make the right decision.
also looking ahead my daughter will most likely go to college in state which can be anywhere from a 2-4 hour drive and I want to be able to visit with her. If my Mom’s care giving becomes too much that it would be prevent me from things like this.