...I recently joined this group to mainly observe, and capture ideas on how to deal with various aspects of my elderly parents. Something I am interested in is obtaining information on getting some type of help / care on a daily, or few days per week basis, as well as some other things that I will mention below.
My mother has Lupus, and my dad is in the midst middle-staged/ moderate Alzheimer's. They live alone (and do NOT want to leave their house and go into any assisted living situation), and due to various factors, it becomes harder each day for my mother to be able to take care of my father (not to mention herself) completely. She does not get much sleep as my father wakes up very early at times, then she awakens, or is already awake, anticipating his movement throughout the house. They have gone through various caregivers (more like errand runners...help around the house, trips to the store, etc.), but after 3 or so different individuals that have come and gone over the past 8 months, they are back at square zero.
[Before I go further, I must add that my mother can be difficult to deal with when it comes to people helping. She has exact methods and ways that she wants things to be done, right down to where the milk is put in the fridge. This makes things difficult for her, and the person doing the errand or chore.]
The last person they had didn't last more than a few visits because of this. I have advised her to hang on and let them get used to the situation around the house before letting them go, but she finds reasons, and out they go.
I live 90+ minutes away and am currently on a schedule where I and my partner/girlfriend go to them once every 2 weeks for a day to run errands for them. Over the past few weeks my mom has been hinting that she needs more help. The specifics are hard to lay out here because she types, or says what she is looking for, but her sentences sometimes blend together and, in the end, it is a very confusing jumble of wants and needs that spans various topics. To top it off in the next sentence, or the next day's conversation she will change it all, and say, "we don't need to worry about that now", etc... even though sometime in the future it gets brought up again. From work I can get to their place in about 50 minutes so there is an option for me to add a bit more time for them in an afternoon visit every so often.
What they really need is someone skilled in taking care of elderly people. The catch is that she has dealt with (briefly) the corporate/ healthcare money grab side of things. Basically, some care company that won't do anything until you sign your life away and put a bunch of money out there before they walk into the house. This scene has become very disheartening to them (and me). The people who have come and gone are people who she has found in some local forum. I suppose you get what you pay for, but she wants to keep looking for some individual/ retired nurse type person to help…and maybe, just maybe the right person will come along.
As noted above, she has hinted at getting more help from me. While I am doing what I can, I don't want to get into as stressed-out scene where she is calling on me every other day or every day for some non-emergency or some other needy reason. I've read many posts from others who have been dragged down by letting an elderly parent(s) do this them, and I don't want to be in that situation. Along with the hints about helping more, she has started to go the guilt trip route..."all we have done for people", "if we have to go to a assisted living home for 100k per year that will be your inheritance, etc."
What do I do, where do I go to find the low key, but reliable help they need? I have heard people having luck with people who have graduated with Associates degrees in Human Services, where they have been taught certain things that they practice in the real world, but how do I find these people?
Yes, your parents paid for college and your wedding. So did mine. That's what parents with their level of financial comfort did. Neither they nor I considered that a down payment on a lifetime of servitude. What they expected was that I would afford my own children the same opportunities they gave me, and I did
My parents raised me to be independent of them financially and emotionally. Sadly, there are some parents who groom their kids (or one of their kids) to wait on them.
In my book, that's cruel.
Decide what you can do for mom without destroying your life or becoming resentful. Stick to that.
Why would a RETIRED nurse type want to work for two very sick and crotchety old people? Retired nurses are just that - retired.
There are people who work as "concierges." They run errands, take care of your house if you're away, feed pets, go to the post office, bring takeout food. However, I can't for the life of me figure out how that would work for your parents, who have multiple complicated layers of issues and are clearly not able to manage at home even with the help that you're able to provide.
Don't do any more than you're doing, and cut back on that. Take them brochures about nice facilities where they could live and do much better than they are doing now. There are such friendly facilities, beautifully decorated, with lots of people to help and be friends.
They don't want to go, but what they want is no longer relevant. They had bad luck in the illnesses they got - sad, but it's what happens to most of us. When it happens, it's time for them to be a grownup, admit that they can't manage, tell you they don't want to ruin your life, and make a new life for themselves. They need to enjoy what time is left to them without making you miserable.
You're not the savior. Tell them that.
I am not your maid.
I am not your chauffeur.
I am not your personal chef.
I CAN support you as you make changes to your life.
As to inheritance, that's silly. Their money is there for THEIR CARE, not YOUR inheritance. So that one is easily shot down.
As to the "they do not want to"..............etc. No, none of us do. I am 81, and I am cognizant that I don't want to either. But I am thankful my daughter is two states away and I cannot even begin the slow crawl to total dependence. She is not here. THANKFULLY. And she understands that she must NOT be here, and that care, when it is needed, will be ALF. And yeah, that could eat away at HER inheritance as well; I personally hope for (any day now is fine) the going to bed and having it turn into the long long nap, as my Dad called it. He did love his naps, and he was so ready for the last long one. So am I.
You have been here looking about. So you KNOW. You full well know what happens to and with those who take on long term care. I can count on the fingers of both hands where I have, in my four plus years here, seen it work whatsoever. In fact I can now think of ONE case where it was "working" albeit, the problems creeping in like a slow leak getting faster.
I encourage absolutely, total and blunt honesty. Will there be tears? Sure. Is this not worth grieving? Will there be anger? Possibly. Is this not worth fury?
I wish you the best and hope you will keep us updated.
Honestly, if you are not your parents' PoA, you won't have a lot of legal authority to get her to do anything. If she doesn't have a PoA at all you can paint her the picture of what happens to those people: their families are put through unimaginable stress and have to report them to APS. Eventually (when things get "bad enough") the county will acquire guardianship of them and will make all decisions and control all the money. The likelihood that your inheritance is used up from their care costs is high.
You say you've been lurking and reading posts: have you read the ones where adult children go see a therapist to find boundaries and learn how to defend them? This may be you. I wish you wisdom, courage and peace in your heart on this journey.
It’s NOT the nursing home that she may remember from visiting an elder in her youth.
My mom’s is like a fancy hotel. The staff bends over backwards for the residents.
There are interesting activities and cool day trips.
Plus, laundry service for the residents.
Plus, meals are cooked for the residents.
Plus, apartments are cleaned for the residents.
Sounds like heaven to me!
Perhaps you could take her to visit a few!
Like Barb said, decide what you can do for mom without destroying your life or becoming resentful. My mother had her mother living with us when I was growing up. She was SO resentful and angry that the fighting between them ruined my childhood, moms life AND grandma's life! For what? Grandma wound up going into a nursing home eventually and was just fine. All that misery could've been avoided much sooner if moms ego didn't keep her stuck in a role she despised.
For what it's worth, I spent "my inheritance" a/k/a my parents savings on Assisted Living and Memory Care for them. Best way to spend hard earned money ever! Even though they wanted to leave me an inheritance, I wasn't willing to prop them up at home under the guise of independence when their needs became too great. They loved the lifestyle and autonomy in AL and I loved MY independence! 😊
Alzheimers very often leads to the need for MemoryCare Assisted Living bc at home care becomes wayyyyyy too much for the spouse to manage.
Good luck to you.
Those requests will keep on & keep on until the water is boiling around you.
I spent time in that pot..
Two big things I took away.
1stly *change*
FEAR of change. Fixed thinking. Reduction in flexability, reduction in how to proceed or plan. Personality type too - some are more ridgid than others.
Fact. The person life/health/situation has changed. Therefore, they need to ADAPT to these changes.
This is hard, so they avoid.
Folks may need support to face it as bravely as they can.
NOT throw their family under the bus to continue on their way.
2ndly *hints*
Hints are manipulative. Throwing a line out, wanting family to be hooked & just do the thing. Why?Again to avoid. It feels uncomfortable. Asking dints their denial, that no help is needed.
So what to do? All I can say is what I (finally) worked out for me;
1. Have the hard chat. Discuss the situation. What do they want? What is available? Affordable?
What is wishing thinking?
2. Every hint I reoeat back as a question. Are you asking for X?
Are you needing help with X?
Call a apade a spade.
Crack that denial.
You crack me up 😂😂😂🤣
There is a very erratic side to my mother, and many times nasty and bitter side (for the record her and I have been fire and ice since I was a kid). Just a few months ago she didn't like my non response to an answer regarding her car, and she kicked me out of the house (this was within 10 minutes of arriving). I know that there is fear of uncertainty, but this past year or so has been tough. Many times she focuses on the minutia of things that just don't matter anymore (where is that piece of furniture that I loaned you? ...we should have a tag sale next spring, etc.). It's almost as if she is trying to carry on as if nothing is happening, and with the idea that she is going to get better.
She refuses to see a doctor, and I fear this will happen with my dad too. She has always been a controlling person to the highest degree, and is still trying to do so. She monitors my dads food to a point where he's always hungry to when he should stand up, and go take a nap, etc.
As far as the facilities, we (my girlfriend and I) have told her about the assisted living (plus my mom does know about them), and I thought she was on board earlier this year, but the past few weeks she has angrily made it clear that they will be dying in their house and not stepping foot in any facility.
I think the guilt trip does hit me since they did help with me for so many things, college, wedding (been divorced for 7 years), and other costly endeavors.
BTW, their ages are, 91 (dad), 86 (mom).
He was in so much pain, and his mind was completely gone by that point. The Alzheimer's/ dementia had completely taken over to a point where he didn't know who anyone was leading up to his final days.
This was a very sad, but (in the back of my mind) expected possibility of events.
Thank you for the many answers, and discussion points that people brought to the table last Fall.