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My husband crammed his mother down my throat in the middle of his kidney transplant. I did not want her here. We have never gotten along. This has killed my marriage, When my husband got sick, I was there for him but when I needed help, I drove myself to the hospital and was left alone there in CCU. He only has time for her. If she ever dies, we will have no marriage. We don't have one now.
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We are all human which means our capacity is limited. When you have done all you can, and then your health, your other family obligations, etc. start suffering badly, then it's time to put the older relative in a good facility. If everyone has to make compromises, then so can the patient. This is why there are really good care facilities. I am a Christian and I am all for caring and self sacrificing, but I also believe that God raised up professional caregivers to do that job when we no longer are effective.
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The bottom line here is that no matter how much you don't want to do it or say you can't care for someone, you end up managing somehow because there is no other choice other than just letting them fend for themselves & die on their own. I nearly drove myself to an early grave but I finally found a balance. I'm lucky because my parents have enough money to manage.

This is a huge problem in this country & will only gets worse. We have an aging population with limited resources & to make matters worse we have lot's of technology & drugs to keep us living way past our expiration dates, even if we are miserable the whole time. Every situation is different but people DO get old & sick & need care. Someone has to tend to their needs & it's usually a family member unless they are rich enough to afford paid care. There are people with no family, friends or money for caregivers, they often end up on the street, sometimes it's their own fault but often not. Either way, it's a problem we face as a nation that is not going away.
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I feel your pain. Having a mother that was sick from when I was a small child as well, about the age of 6 I can relate. She would be in the hospital for asthma related issues and ask my dad to bring be in the room so that I could see all the tubes in her. She would always tell me that she would not make it to her next birthday, at that time she would have been 38. She is now 85 and still each year tells me that asthma patients don't live long. She now cares for my stepfather with advanced Alzheimer's and she too in my opinion has some signs of Dementia. I lost my job 2 1/2 years ago during the economic turn after 30 successful years in banking and decided it was probably an sign that I needed to help my mom and step-dad although I had been doing it for many years prior all while maintaining my job and having my own family life with an extremely understanding husband and assistant caregiving young daughter (she too was thrown into the role by my mom from age 6 on up). I now have a mother who continues to control my every move, won't let us leave the area for anything without throwing fits and consistently uses her sickness to make me feel guilty (although she has had no asthma for years). I have tried to get back into the work force, but have been unsuccessful due to being out of work so long and being older (52). We have our own financial issues now because of this, but my mom who makes more than enough to survive feels that it is my place to be there for her all the time. All I can say is like you, this is not worth sacrificing your own life and your own family. Each day I work on my own self-worth and each day I move a little more away from her. Although I love her and my step-father, I can't give up on the rest of my life for her selfishness. It's not easy, it's a journey, but you have to keep believing that you have done all that you can and you are a good person for that.
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I am not being flippant with you, but God never promised us a rose garden. Your parents should have instilled a sense of responsibility in you. I am sorry for people that this didn't happen too. Seems there are a lot of just me people today. When times were harder, that is what you did and taught. A lot of children are being taught life is all about them. They miss the mark on life. They either do not support or abort their own children, especially if they are not perfect. I fear life was hard growing up for you. Did anyone sit down and explain what was going on to you? Seems you were on the outside looking in. You should of been more included in your moms thought process. My own daughter has a son with down syndrome and the two older girls adore him and helped with him all the time.
Your husband is doing what he feels in his bones is the right thing to do. You can schedule time for just the two of you. He may feel overwhelmed too. Do you have counseling at your church? You may want to try that. You can learn why you feel the way you do. I so hope you join with your husband and understand his sense of duty and love. I take care of my mom with dementia at my house and my husband helps. It was very hard at first, but a way of life now. We do not have any small children. You may want to include your daughter in these family talks. But you must talk to each other. A family has to support each other. Even if it is just sharing on this sight. I pray the best for you and your family.
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I think it is an honor to take care of your parents if you can. It is hard at times and you have to incorporate help by maybe involving them in day care programs and community lunches by church etc and activities. If you can hire a caregiver you trust part time that will give you a break. If you make it a family affair and all live together that makes it a lot easier too. Then running back and forth from one house to the other. If they do need to go into assisted living make sure that you let them help you select where they feel the most comfortable empower them in the decision making process even if they can't totally make the correct the decision let them feel apart of everything and then visit when you can and advocate for them in assisted living for their health care and for what they want and need never let the ball drop because assisted living never makes up for family. God Bless.
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doedoe1237, before getting to read your post I was already getting ready to post the same two verses. I believe there is no better guide to living a life well lived than the Bible. Michspoh1 seems to live out these verses. I think she has given some great examples on how to balance family and caregiving. We shouldn't neglect our parents but they shouldn't consume us and our families.
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doedoe, AMEN now if I could live this verse. I have grown children, one with 2 children in Montana, one on the east coast. My husband and I are living apart for me to help my mom. He's in North Dakota and me in CA with my mom. Mom is a quiet non demanding, well kind of, she hints until something gets done...lol We have talked and talked about our situation as a family. We are all in agreement I should be with my Mom. My only problem is my siblings don't understand why I need to go visit them a few times a year. I am living with my mom so she doesn't have to go into assisted living and actually feel good about myself and my loving family to understand our decision.
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Doedoe1237, you nailed it!!!!!!!!
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When a person marries they leave father and mother and cleave (Bible terms) to each other. Yes, they respect and help parents but their family wife, husband, children come first. This is the bibical order.
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Thank you so much for sharing your story.

A few thoughts. My own Dad was very, very strict and never home. He was an only child and felt the universe revolved around him. When we grew up, after an abusive situation with him, my brother committed to being the opposite of my Dad's example.

So, my brother is healthy (he will not be a burden on his own children), he is a loving father and an amazing husband. He is a great uncle, to a point. He believes we all are accountable for our own good health. While there are some medical conditions that are hereditary, there are MANY that are induced by too much fat, sugar and lack of exercise. How accountable are we for taking care of smokers and drinkers, etc?

My brother expects us all to take good care of ourselves and to treat our bodies like the temples they are ...

That's just my way of sharing one example of a person who grew up in an awful situation and determined that he would be different. He works every day to make good decisions, his wife helps my brother when he lapses back into behaviors of disrespect for others that he grew up watching from our Dad.

Make choices. Sit down with your husband and decide what kind of people you want to be and what you both believe and put yourselves and your own family first. Your children will be your family for many, many, many years after your parents are gone. Your parents made choices in their lives and cared for you... hopefully. Now it is your time to care for your young children... at least that is what I think.

For a few years, after my kids were grown, my elderly mom fell ill and I cared for her. It made me quite sick to dedicate my life to caring for her, but it was only a few years and I wanted to be a good daughter to her in the end and I was. I could do it without sacrificing my children. I lost my career for that time, but I am going to work to get it back.

I hope this is hopeful and helpful to you. You are not anything but a blessing. It is a miracle of life that we are all here and we should honor that miracle by being kind to each other.

It sounds to me like your mom's mom was quite selfish and unkind. That's sad, but it doesn't mean that you and your husband need to perpetuate things. I think our parents get very, very scared as they fall into ill health and get older, and nearer to death and that comes out in sometimes ugly ways. We need to understand that, but if we fall ill too... then there will be no one able to help anyone. You and your husband have to stay healthy for your kids.

Your children are in your lives and your home for only a few years over the course of you long life time... think about it... don't waste that time. The kids grow up and go very, very fast. Cherish that time. It goes fast!
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Michsoph - great feedback. I think we are in a similar place, except I still have both of them with demands. But I think your way too; if it's not an emergency, they can wait. What's frustrating is that every time I call my Mom, just to check in, she gives me a list of things to do. I say, I'll get to it when I can. I used to jump and get it all done. Now, I go to the bank for her when I go to bank. I get some things at CVS for her when I go for myself and so on...

I think this sentence you wrote, "He has to learn that he can't always get his way the minute he dictates an order," is such great advice for joycews. Hit the nail on the head! We're not ignoring these responsibilities that we have assumed; we're just managing them.

xo

-SS
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P.s I love my Mom and dad. My siblings have disappeared from the scene. No help in three + years. I had a nervous breakdown and that caused my change in thinking.
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Wow, quite a story. Sounds like you still have A LOT of issues with your own childhood, what your experienced with your mother, the lack of attention to you maybe, the lack of gratitude, and your mother putting your grandmother first.

Now with your husband, all I can say it is his relationship with his father, who clearly sounds like he has dementia or some kind and should be in a home. I say that because it mirrors my father's behavior before he went into a NH home, then he plateaued and is now there long term, not accepting of his fate.

I guess all I can tell you is to talk to your husband, tell him how much you see him suffering and see if you can get him to lighten up his load of caring for his dad. Hire a caregiver to come in one afternoon a week. Use that time to go out to dinner or a movie with each other, or just sit down to dinner at your own home and have a conversation. Sometimes it is the little things that can help people see the light and then they want more of their own life back.

I have been caring for both my parents who live down the road, (Dad now in NH), but I do all the laundry, the groceries, meds, haircuts, church, listening to all their complaining etc...My Dad has nasty angry dementia but now on the right meds, is calmer, (sometimes)! My Mom - she didn't care her parents as they aged, her sister did for 40 years!!! Can you believe that! My Mom led the life of a socialite and now she is excepting me to to do EVERYTHING for her. There's no magic bullet but my husband said to me about 6 months, "I want you back, honey. I don't want us to lose our 50's with you being so miserable and exhausted. I miss you...." he was right and I started making some changes in my schedule. I now put my own family first. It's still very hard but no where was it written that I had to give up my life (which is what you did and what your husband is doing now), because they fed us and educated us, so that our parents can ruin our adult lives. He your FIL doesn't get a lunch, tough. He'll live. See if you can convince your husband to go over just once a day, or hire someone to do it. I hope this has inspired you to change it up.

xoxoxo -

SS
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My mom recently went to live at an assisted living facility with memory care. I just couldn't take care of her - she was very demanding, and very needy. My elderly aunt told me to think twice before bringing her to live with me because it would only get worse. I feel so much better now - I visit once per week (I still work full time even though I am 64 years old). I feel I am entitled to a little bit of peace in my life. I searched long and hard for the right place for Mom - its quite expensive but we sold her home to pay for it. Now I worry less about her, and feel I can spend my attention on my husband who didn't think my mother was part of the marriage bargain - neither do I - its not fair to him.
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I completely understand what you are saying, and I don't think you are "wrong" in the least. You have to have a life of your own. If you let them, some seniors will consume your every breathing moment. My 75-year-old father is in ill health (my mom died years ago), and he is living with my husband, 8-year-old daughter and me. I am an only child, so my daughter and I are his only living blood relatives. He can walk, prepare simple meals (such as pour cereal from a box) and toilet himself. I established early on that there are boundaries. If he has a true emergency, that takes the lead. However, if he wants me to run an errand that can wait versus something I have already scheduled for my child, she takes priority. My dad wanted me to stop being her Girl Scout troop leader so I "could devote more time" to him. He has every need taken care of--maybe not at the second he wants it, but within the same day. I told him no--my daughter needs me. She will never be this age again, and I am not denying her a childhood. We will make this balance work, but not at her expense. He also wanted me to stay home from a family vacation and let my child and husband go 1,000 miles without me. Again, I said no. His doctors have said he can travel (in fact, they encouraged him to). We are taking him with us. He does not want to go, but I told him that without a medical reason, there is no reason for him to deny me a trip with my husband and child. (It is our 10th anniversary this year, too.) Yes, my dad throws tantrums, but I can, too. It's hard to listen to and stressful, but I am not giving in. Quite frankly, my daughter is better behaved at 8 than he is at 75. However, I can deal with it. His needs are completely taken care of. He has to learn that he can't always get his way the minute he dictates an order. (An example--I "need you to go to Arby's right now" when there are plenty of other foods to eat in the house.) My poor mom lived with him for years and knew what he was like. Before she died, she even told me not to let him run me over, and that I needed to stand up to him, or he would dominate everything forever. Like you, I am not in the best of health. I worry that he will put me in an early grave and I won't live to see my child grow up. I am doing everything I can to be here for her.
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