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Terrim has certainly endured more than I ever could. Thank you for sharing your challenges and how you have dealt with them. I also agree with Joycews who believes, as I do, that we shouldn't tolerate what our parents would never have put up with from us. My father was very cruel as I was growing up. He alienated everyone in my family, including a brother who saw him once in 22 years. These things don't happen by accident. I am having a wicked day with my combative dementia Mother-in-law. I will be staying away from her because she will whale on me if given the chance. It is dangerous to my physical health and emotional well-being. If I had had a choice in living with her, I might not be so bitter but I think I resent being called evil and lacking in character when I told her I did not want her to move in with us at the exact moment she did: right after my husband's kidney transplant. She hardly noticed he had been through hell and back. Her focus was always all about her and her anxiety, narcissism and violence. I think she is taking out on us her anger at the rest of the world. I did not do anything to deserve it except to hold up a mirror to her selfishness. I am in awe of all who come here and share their stories. I don't feel so alone, not that I wish any harm on any of you.
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Michsoph1 - I love it.
"Yes, my dad throws tantrums, but I can, too."
My beloved but misbehaving father would straighten up and fly right on the rare occasions that my ladylike mother blew her top at him. She finally learned to fake tantrums when necessary.
Like children, people who are misbehaving are often glad to be shown where the boundaries are. Their fears and desires are too hard for them to control themselves, but part of them is ashamed by their behavior.
I'm sure this isn't true for everyone, but at least when you yell, you feel better for a minute.
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I got sick of hearing my mother-in-law come to the table for breakfast, DEEP SIGH, and as whatever she wanted to eat was placed in front of her, would intone, "Al, please kill me. I want to die!" I know too many people fighting to take their last breath wanting to live because they have young children. I kept answering, "I will not let you waste one more minute of my time on my way to eternity. If that's how you feel, toddle down the driveway with your walker, lay down in the street and wait for a garbage truck to run over you!" (Now sulking with a puss on, she would repeat her initial statement. I would replay, "I don't care." It took several times before she gave up because, previously, I would remind her how much she would be missed and all the people who love her. No more rewards for bad behavior. Why don't we keep slamming our hand in a car door? Because it hurts!
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oh, Joyce, by no means am I talking about abuse. I would NEVER and I repeat never house anyone that was abusive. There is being compassionate to people but if they are abusive then they truly don't belong around the general public. I hope you don't think I meant that in any way. I don't pretend to know your situation at all. and I am not talking only about your situation anyway, I was generalizing since I just don't understand why the entire family doesn't rally around their loved ones. Instead the responsibility falls to one child. I wonder what that stems from. thoughts?
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Dear Butterflygrl, Family doesn't help because no one wants to get involved in the brutal realities of endless caregiving. And we don't complain because, in the beginning, we feel disloyal, then embarrassed, then horrified as it gets worse, and then finally we are too depressed until we get past burned out to incinerated and then I just let it all hang out. I should probably be espousing the Kool-Aid that there IS something you can actually do to make things better when there isn't.
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Butterflygirl, I honest think many time the responsibility falls to the one child who is susceptible to guilt and being in an emotional mess. Out of 2 children, my mom is the most susceptible to being the first to want to help people, being the first to cook a meal, clean up a mess, etc. That is fine -- until you get to the point you either 1)don't know you are being used or 2)know you are being used but refuse to change.
I have also stepped back and looked at this situation. I have always remarked to my husband, "you know, people say you marry someone like your dad, but I married someone like my mom." I said that even before this situation with my father-in-law. And it is true. My husband is always the first person to jump for a stranger or co-worker (he worked on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day on a work project), is the first to run to his father (no siblings from this particular union even though he has half siblings) and he is the first one who you have to take by the head and rub his nose into the mess after someone had used him.
I have been dropped of at the ER and had to be told the news alone that I had a small tumor in my leg (thankfully begin), he worked on a work project while I was in labor and when I had a hernia operation, he took one day off and was back to work. I sat in a lazy boy by myself with some ice water next to me, a phone and the t.v. remote.
The other day I said to him, "perhaps I should hit you, curse at you, throw food across the room and threaten to kill you and you would treat me as well as you treat your father."
So I have came to the conclusion that there are some people that parents know that can easily manipulate and they do. There are some who want to be manipulated so they have something to complain about (brings to mind the old saying of, "get off the cross and let somebody else have the wood.") and I feel there are some adult children who get an aderline (sp) surge from the constant drama. There are others who get an ego boost from being needed.
I feel in some families like mine, the two play off of each other. I have noticed by comments on here that when the child stands there ground and fights back (verbally) that it is not fun for the parent anymore. There is no game in it. There is no "getting a rise" out of them.
I just really think that there should be more protection of minor children in these homes. There is no safeguard for them. Many adults just say, "I'm bringing in mom, dad or grandma and you better deal with it." Many of these adults are in hospitals prior to them coming home. Often times social workers are brought in to determine if they will go to a short-term, long-term facility or at their home or a family members home. Many times, social workers follow up when a patient is in a nursing home but rarely a follow up is not done in a home setting. As a society, we are so concerned if a child is in a violent household due to spousal abuse but we never take into consideration verbal and physical abuse afflicated by the elderly on their family members.
Our society wants everyone to think that all these situations are just beautiful with multiple generations living under one roof. No one ever asks the minor children what they think. :(
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yeh I hear you. I am thinking that everywhere I turn friends in my generation are facing the sandwich scenario. I guess it's the proliferation of the baby boomers.
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Butterflygirl -- you are 100% correct about the baby boomers (my husband the end of the baby boomer age and I am the beginning of the GenX age). While our age difference is less than 10 years, we do look at things differently and I actually find his generation and my mothers to be very similiar. I have been told my generation is more direct and to be honest, there is much truth to that.
Know what else happened? Many baby boomers worked on their career, married someone younger and had children later. In our case, the generation span is an 8 year old child and an 86 year old grandfather!
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I have felt so much pain in these posts. Somedays are not so good for me either, but after reading all of these. I really don't have any complaints. I just pray for strength for all of you to endure and get some sort of peace.
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Dear Fedupnow..
I can only say to you consider leaving NOW.
What is there to stay for? You say your marriage is over. If you leave you will find out if this truly is the case. You may be pleasantly suprised to find your husband really wants you back. Think long and hard and do whatever you do on your own terms and MIL has to go. Good luck to you
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Dear Veronica, You are correct. I should be out of here now. The question is: where to do. I am now incapacitated from a car accident and need help with food shopping, laundry, driving any kind of distances. Worse, my finances have been used up caring for others. I cannot afford a rental. I should have left 10 years ago. I don't care if he wants me back. Of course he will. He needs someone to drive him to dialysis when his kidney transplant quits in a few months. Out of the frying pan into the fire. This is a no win situation. I have known this since lots of counseling over the past three years. My own fault for staying this long and not leaving when she waddled into the door in the first place.
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I think if everyone could set appropriate limits, with compassion but without guilt like michsoph1, caregiving would be a lot more bearable and beneficial. Hers is one of the best, most helpful posts I have read in a long time.
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I think being offered hope when there is none and ideas to make things better when nothing works after 17 years of trying all of them is cruel and lying.
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This has been so helpful to me to read what others are dealing with too. My 92 year old mother has been living with my husband and me for over a year now. Thankfully I have two sisters who give me breaks by taking her into their homes from time to time but it's mostly on me. She can still get herself to the bathroom and feed herself but we have to do absolutely everything else for her . I am 64 and have arthritis in my fingers and trouble with my back. I know this is hard on her but it's hard for us too. We had to rearrange our home that was not set up for taking care of an older person. She expects us to do this for her and when I have tried to suggest how hard this is becoming on my sisters and me and how my husband wants to retire by next summer and wants to have the freedom to go on trips and just have his privacy back, then she starts guilt tripping me reminding me of "all the things she has done" for me. She never learned to drive because she was "too busy" so we have had to haul her everywhere she ever needed to go. I have had a very hard time this last year dealing with resentment and guilt and am seeing a counselor. He has told me he thinks it's time for us to make the move to get her into a home but we aren't able to insist she do it yet because we know how she would react. She will tell me well you girls tell me when it gets too much. I just did Mom and you're not hearing me. She complained when my dad's mom stayed with us for a short time and said she used to go down in the basement and cry. She was frustrated when my dad was sick for a couple of years before he passed away from doing things for him when she wanted to be on the computer or doing her stuff but now she's perfectly willing to let us knock ourselves out doing everything for her. I feel like it's a nightmare I can't wake up from. I too feel that we are not expected to let parents destroy our health and our lives because they did what parents are supposed to do for their kids. If it means finding the best nursing home available and visiting often then the parents are still being cared for. I feel so angry so much of the time because I just want my life back then I feel the crushing guilt because I feel I am being selfish because I want my life back. I pray every day for God's strength to get us through another day.
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MLH1967, You've got a problem all right!

You want something, and your mother is NEVER going to tell you it's all right with her. You have to decide that you have done as much as you want to to care for your difficult mother. Then gently but firmly, repeat, "Mother, I think it's time you moved into assisted living. I think you'll like it, but I need you to move because it's getting too hard for us."

"Yes, maybe I am selfish, but I need to think of myself and my husband and children. It's getting too hard for me, and I want you to move into the ALF."

"No, I'm not abandoning you. I will visit you often, and I'll be more rested, so I can give you all my attention. But it's getting to be too hard for me, and I need you to move into the ALF."

You will wait a long time for her to give you permission to do this. But you don't actually need her permission. You will need to use your courage. Get your husband to support you. You can do this.
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Thank you Jinx4740 for your advice. But Mom is way past the assisted living stage. Her knees are very swollen with arthritis and she sits all day in her lift chair and sleeps in it at night. She uses a rollator and cane and it's getting harder and harder for her to get around. She can do nothing for herself but feed herself and thank goodness do her bathroom stuff on her own. I have to get her dressed in the mornings, undressed and ready for bed at night plus take care of any and all of her needs during the day - basically waiting on her hand and foot. And you are right - she will never tell us to make that move to get her in a nursing home no matter how hard it is on the 3 of us to take care of her. I have put her ahead of my husband many times through the years because of the guilt trips she would lay on me like insisting I get up on my day off from work to take her to work because she chose to never learn to drive. I have not figured out how she was able to instill such deep guilt in me feeling like I could not turn her down even when it mad my husband mad. I know that when he retires he does not want to live like this with her here all the time and I feel like it's time I finally step up and put him first. He has been very gracious allowing her to come here in the first place but it's going to be very hard. I have lived with her guilt trips all my life and I know she's not going to stop now. I have told her several times how much it would upset me to have to come in some morning and find she had passed away - she just said well that's how they did it in the old days. It just gets so frustrating. This has just made me more determined than ever that I will not put my kids through this some day if I am no longer able to live alone.
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