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Hannah, you're not mean, or selfish...you're a compassionate, grounded person. Some times our choice is between lousy and really lousy. Your mom knows you two need to take care of yourselves, to heal. Your gma wouldn't want your health and your mom's suffer to care for her personally. Sending prayers for calm.
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Hannah you are not mean. You are not well and at wits end. I get it. My two mentally ill brothers could never care for our parents. I commend you for doing it as long as you have. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. I wish I had answers for you, but all I can offer is understanding and support. I get it. I do hope you get help for your grandma first so she is not alone or in danger. I wish you all the best. Xo
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First of all I want to say thanks, I got some really good advice here.
Some answers got me a little bit sad though, I'm trying not to think of myself as mean or selfish because it makes things harder, it really hurts when someone calls me that. I need medical care and constant supervision too, it's not only my grandma who needs it, my mother is taking care of two people all by herself. When she goes to work I stay at home with my grandma for almost 8 hours, as I've said before I have schizophrenia, there's no way I can take care of anyone, I don't even know how to take care of myself properly... I also don't feel like I have to take care of my grandma because she took care of me when I was a baby, people shouldn't compare that, it's not the same thing. I took care of my grandma for this long because I love her and that should be enough. It seems like things are a little bit different in my country, we don't have the resources most of you talk about here, all we have is the social services and they were already contacted and know what's going on. Someone asked why my grandma is still living here with us and not in a NH, she's still here because my mother always thought she would be able to help my grandma until the end, even after my mother's heart attack she took care of my grandma and a NH never crossed her mind, unfortunately things didn't go as planned, my mental health started to get worse a few months ago, my mother started to feel some of the same symptoms she had before the heart attack and she told me that she's going to die very soon if she stays here. I was the one who contacted social services, my mother has a severe depression, she has episodes where she's really violent, she's a shadow of what she used to be and when I try to talk to her about my grandmother's situation she just says she has done all she could do, it's up to the rest of the family now. Can I blame her? Of course not, she even confessed she has been thinking about suicide lately, if leaving a situation behind to try to survive means we are mean then that's what we are.
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What an awesome mom you have. Way to go mom! I have thought of doing that very same thing myself. Was going to take a few things a little at a time until there is nothing left to take. Working on finding a suitable place for me, my youngest son ,(13) and 2 large dogs. It takes some doing. She has made sure you don't feel trapped in a situation and that means she is a very smart & proactive lady! blou
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Hannah there are actually several different options out there that may be beneficial to the two of you and your grandmother. A home health care company provides non-medical services for the elderly. What that means is they provide services to help the elderly stay in their homes for as long as possible by assisting with cooking, cleaning, bathing, dressing, medication reminders, toileting, laundry and transportation to doctors visits and social activities. They provide hourly or live-in services (a caregiver actually stays in your grandmothers home with her 24/7). I have worked in the nursing field since 1993 and have seen a lot of cases where all the responsibility is put on one sibling and it definitely is not fair. If your grandmother is unable to pay for any services you can contact the area agency on aging for the county she lives in and they should be able to come out and do an assessment to see if she would be better placed in a nursing home or personal care home. Please keep us informed on your decision and situation. Best of Luck!!!!
Rhonda
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If your grandmother needs 24/7 care, then her doctor should write an order for it & then figure out how to get her into a nursing home. The nursing home will take all of her assets---her house, whatever money she had in the bank, etc, & it will take all of her social security payments minus $50 or so that they'll let her keep in her account to have her hair done, etc. If nobody else in the family is willing to help take care of her, there is no other choice. You have to preserve your own sanity & start living your own life.
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You both need respite care, and once you catch your breath you can sit down and get advice on a long term plan. Respite care can be for an emergency or to plan to keep caregivers healthy and sane over time. There are programs and resources available to help you. Check with your local Agencies on Aging, or here are two websites explaining how it works:

http://archrespite.org/

http://www.helpguide.org/elder/respite_care.htm
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You are doing the right thing for you and your mother. You are right - you need your own life. But, to help you all, work with your grandmother's and your mothers doctors, to have them help find the right assisted living or nursing home for your grandmother. Alzheimer's Association has been a great aid to our family. Talk to a local senior center to get aid. They can all help find the right living situtation for your grandmother. Does your mother have the DPOA? God bless and good luck.
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I would like to add to what Carebill has said about money. I have had experience with this myself. Lots of things need to be considered around money:
1- does she own her home or have monetary assets that the family will inherit
2.-does she have a POA
3- what level of care does she require so you know how much $$ she will need to provide that cost ( in home, assisted living, nursing home)
4- does she have medical conditions or medications that need to be handled and how often (home care costs change based on the type of service that is needed and how often) ex. nursing assistant vs. a nurse for meds and treatments
5- does she allow you to manage her money
6- how much flack from the family will you get with her money decisions

these are just a few I ran into myself. Hope this helps.
Also, ideally if the doctor can get her hospitalized for evaluation for 3 days she will be covered by medicare in a nursing home for 100 days and in that time they can qualify her for medicaid if she can not afford to stay on with private pay.

If she has assets/home you really should get the advice of an elderlaw attorney before you do anything. Medicaid can have her home if a spouse is not remaining in the community.
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Some one on this web site told me a few years ago - the only things you (your Mom) are responsible for are the following: being sure your grandmother has adequate health care, a roof over her head and that her nutritional needs are met. That was a difficult one for me swallow, but it was the best advice I could have received. At the time it actually made me see beyond all the other "stuff" i thought I had to take care of. Since that time - when Mom complains I just tell her she is truly blessed to have what she has and that the Assisted Living takes wonderful care of her. Best wishes on your journey! You deserve a life! If no one else in the family is worried about it - you should not be either!
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Somehow I think there's a lot being left out here, because I can't understand why arrangements for grandma weren't made long ago. She apparently can't live on her own, so as hard as it is a nursing home may be the only solution. Is the problem money? The nursing home will get her on medicaid if she can't afford it, but they will take her income/assets. Is your mother involved in this at all? If the both of you can't handle grandma and can't deal with putting her someplace, then I guess Adult Protective Services should be notified and they can help.
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Lots of preceding, great information. I always learn something by reading everyones advice.

When guilt plays a roll there will not be peace in your heart. It may be time to make sure she is cared for so you can back away and feel good about it.

Whether you decide to take her to hospital (they would need to admit her for 3 days before she could go to a nursing home and be covered by medicare) or get social services or office of the aging or look for placement yourselves, you should make your plan. Just leaving is tempting but will make it hard for you to sleep at night.
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Our MD has the VNA come in and monitor. They will do vitals, help bathe and there is physical therapy. Your MD can write what they feel is the best place for her. You need his prescription for insurance to pay.
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Hannah13, Your grandma is yours that is why you have already spent much more time for her. It would be more appropriate if you both (mother and you) bear nursing and other expenses of her. You must join your normal life and do something for your livelihood but do some money spare for your beloved grandma. After all it is your responsibility to take care of her because she had taken care of you in your childhood. Other family members are not taking responsibility they are doing wrong if you do same than what will be the difference between you and others. Who knows how long she lives here. People all over the world are dreaming for life of American people. American are proved to very poor to bear the expenses of those parents who are totally disabled. This life is immortal, everybody have to go through from such conditions. So you must wait and pray and do not leave your loved one alone.
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You need to visit the nursing homes around where you live. The social workers there will help you to know what to do.
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If grandma's health is bad enough, she should be on Medicaid and in a nursing facility if mom's siblings won't bother to care for her and you and mom have done all you can, and I would say you have.
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I am sure your mother realizes that IF she doesn't move now she might have another heart attack which could turn out fatal (which you don't want). And you definitely need your time. It would be great to think that if you notified the doctor and gave them your other siblings phone/addresses that the doctor would call them. (I know mine probably wouldn't), they don't have time to make those calls. so you need to get ahold of your office of aging or whatever its called in your area, have an evaluation done on grandma, get a doctors report on her health and contact a nursing or assisted living facility. and it would also help to contact an elder attorney to make sure things get handled properly. I wish you luck.
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Hannah,
You have brought up many issues. I wrote a book to help other caregivers and potential caregivers. The book features stories from 35 caregivers. Most of the information you have given about your family's situation is addressed in the book. I honestly think it would give you some good ideas for you and Mom. I think you are a great kid for your love and compassion, your ability to see the bigger picture, and your desire to want to do something about it.
Barbara M., author
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This is one of the hardest things you've ever done, but you need to get away. The idea of taking your grandma to ER and telling the staff that you can no longer provide care may be your last resort. Do whatever it takes. She will be taken care of somehow.

You can't give your life for her. She would not want that. You've already given more than enough. Read through the ideas that people have posted, know that we are behind you and take action. Please keep us posed on your well being.
Carol
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You cannot just leave the poor woman alone with no one to care for her. Contact her doctor or Dept. on Aging and get an immediate referral to a good nursing facility. Do not leave her alone until she's been moved to a facility that can take good care of her. It's mean and irresponsible.
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You can get out of there. There are some on this site that have taken their loved ones to the ER and left telling staff that they are no longer able to provide the necessary care. By doing this you will protect yourselves from being accused of abandonment. If you do this and STICK TO YOUR GUNS, hospital will find appropriate placement for your grandma.
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boy - do I understand it all. My husband had a stroke last year and I am trying to do it all plus work part time - I hate t put him in a nursing home as that would kill him but at least he would take his medicine there instead of fighting with me about it all. Says I tell him too much about taking it. God bless you.
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You and your mother can move out. However, total abandonment of your grandmother isn't moral or realistic. Doing care 24/7 to no care at all isn't realistic.
Contact her doctors and a lawyer, arrange for a nursing home placement if she needs constant care. However, the family (all the family) should visit her and make sure she gets as good a nursing placement she can get given her health needs and finances. If it is a Medicaid placement, it will be difficult to keep her in a nice facility.
Your grandmother is lucky to have your help, it is just time due to your own health needs to give up the primary 24/7 care. You both did your best when you could. If the others will not offer to care for her and spare her a placement--it is what it is. It is not uncommon for children to walk away, it takes love, money and lots of fortitude to be successful with home care. Just file the fact that your
aunts and uncles and their children are not dependable when in need of help.
Make sure you and your mother do not depend upon them for help in the future with your own health needs.
Take this switch over of your mother's care one step at a time. Good luck.
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Have you considered getting in home care? That's what we do for my grandma. The nurse (usually a CNA) comes every week day for us so that my husband and I can work. If you can't do that (they can be expensive without long term care insurance) you should contact nursing homes and see about getting her in to one of those. Leaving her on her own would make you and your mom no better than her siblings. But you do need to get a break at the least.
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Elder care services may be able to help you. Find the services in your area and call for an evaluation. A case worker will come to your grandmothers home and evaluate the situation. They can provide personal care, house keeping, grocery shopping, etc. Payment is based on income, and may be minimal. Set up a meeting and let the case worker know what your grandmothers needs are. They will provide services EVEN IF SHE DOES NOT LIVE ALONE. It is worth a telephone call
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Her doctor should write orders for her to be placed into a NH. Let him know the situation and the STRESS that you and your Mom have and can no longer take care of her. That your health is in jeopardy due to the STRESS. If he won't do it and I don't see why he/she wouldn't, call the Department of Elder Affairs for your state and get some help through them. Be persistent and consistent in calling...you know how social services can be. Also, if she goes into an ER and stays, a social worker on site can facilitate in getting her placed. Good luck
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Hannah13, Possibly your other relatives do not really understand your grandmother's needs. She may not realize her needs. You need to take care of Hannah. You will not be able to help your mother, or grandmother, if you do not take care of Hannah. Please move with your mother. She needs your help. Your mother needs to know that you are being cared for and healthy. Mothers want their children to be healthy & happy. I bet your grandmother wants you to be happy & healthy, too. Please keep us updated. People here care. Please take care of Hannah.
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Common Duties
Because there are so many different types of power of attorney, exactly what a representative carries out varies from one case to the next. Common tasks completed, however, include depositing or withdrawing money from accounts, paying bills, overseeing the sale of or protecting property, authorizing physicians to perform procedures or prescribe medications, going to court on your behalf and speaking on your behalf to creditors, attorneys and other professionals.
Read more :ehow/info_7831154_duties-limitations-power-attorney.html

The individual who receives the power to do something on the part of another person is called the agent, or attorney-in-fact
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smart911 - I have proactively registered with “Smart911”.
They provided details on my family and our home to 911 calls. The emergency needs are displayed at emergency center if we call 911.

Smart911 is provided by Rave Mobile Safety, when anyone in that household dials 9-1-1 from a phone associated with their Safety Profile,
their profile is immediately displayed to the 9-1-1 call taker providing additional information that can be used to facilitate the proper response to the proper location.
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Hannah13 - it is time for the other members of the family to step-up. If they tell you they will take care of it let them! You will find out when you move how much was just lip service and how much they are willing to actually do. Unfortunately until you move you will not know what is going to happen. Maybe they will actually take care of their Mother. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make your guilt disappear because you and your Mom also deserve a life. Big changes are difficult at first and with your recent diagnosis you need energy for you. Good luck and let us know how it goes. Many hugs
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