How do you care for your parent when they have always had some form of mental illness?

Seems we all have a lot in common here. I know the exact same thing about an over controlling mother with paranoia thrown in...got the same thing. My parents had me almost scared when I was younger to do anything, until I broke myself from that, after my b/f died when I was 25 and saw how life was so short. In the past ten years I have not gone anywhere because I had to go over there every Sunday for the past 10 years after my father died taking her shopping, she would not let you deviate from that day. A couple of years ago I wanted to go to Wisconsin for about 5 days and she blew a gasket called the family in to discuss that like I could not go, unless someone was around only to make sure that there was always someone around for her in case something would happen to her...she was healthy as a horse then. I still went, but after that was not about to go through that assault again. My cousin and his b***h g/f have a big mouth on trying to say I should live with her, even though I have tried to explain what her psyche does to me. In the beginning of those 10 years I gave a lot of time to my mother and her demanding ways since she did not have my father to her beck and call anymore. I started to get sick and have migraines. I went to tons of doctors nothing would help. I finally figured out what it was after 6 months - it was her - once I realized that all my symptoms ceased. Now that I know all this, this last stress full event she has placed me in gave me the same as the previous poster a bad cold and cold sores, less severe than what I suffered 10 years ago. I found a book in the library "If you had Controlling Parents" it is a good read and in many cases very insightfull.

yearight, you are an encourager, too. Thanks for your supportive post. I agree, thank God we're not in a padded room. I am thankful for the abilities God has given me to do what needs to be done. Only wish the laughter came as easily as it used to. Life has become so serious as my parent's Caregiver. It's hard watching them decline. I miss the freedom I enjoyed not that long ago. I miss being that joyful wife and Mom, and have to force myself to stay positive, at times. Thank God for supportive friends, my Support Groups, and for this site. Thanks for writing. Take care!

lovingdaughter, you're an encourager!

I've been feeling stress for a long time. But that kind of stress is different. I usually end up with a cold or Cold Sore after that type of stress.

But around my mother, the ill feeling is a totally different type. We have the worst time in a car together. I can't just go read a book to unwind. I was driving her to an initial appointment with a new Psychiatrist, only we had to reschedule, because I mistakenly mixed up the time. They preferred we not come today, so I had to turn around mid-journey.

I was thinking, that's OK, because it saved me an hour's worth of round trip driving. But the problem with Mom is, she wigs out while I'm driving, and starts saying stupid or nasty things. I couldn't wait to get her back home and out of my car. It's weird, but she knows I can't avoid her confrontation, so her tirades escalate. Distance is the only thing that relieves this feeling. I wasn't tired, or out of sorts. I just couldn't wait to escape her rantings! She is wicked mean, and started demanding I do such and such for her... (Like I wanted to do anything at that point.)

Earlier, I had called a cab company to take her to the appointment. They want $70.00 each way! I'm the only family around; my sister lives 9 hours away, and public transportation won't take her out of the county, where her appointment is. So I got the lovely duty of transporting her...this time. She may have to go by ambulance the next time she needs something. I don't mean to be rude, but I think I'm busy that day.

Sister, i know what you mean but it is hard to put it into words. One of my mothers issues is to worry. And i don't mean anything normal. I mean sobbing, and wringing of hands. It is very oppressive. This was one of the things that made me just a shadow of the person i could have been. Because of my mom's fear of everything, and i do mean everything; i was never allowed to do anything as a child. That stunted my emotional growth. But anyway, she still does this and i find myself either hiding to do things out of her sight or i just don't do it. i'm talking about simple things like using a ladder or carrying the trash out or going outside after dark. Oh geez, it could be anything. And when i realize that i am feeling the way i used to feel as a child i could just puke. But then i look myself in the eye and say, "hey girl, snap out of it. At least your not in a padded room drooling and banging your head on the floor." God is so good because he allowed all the negatives to be turned into positives. And he makes me laugh at myself.

We all get a little ill from stress and sometimes don't even know the cause. So, there is nothing wrong with us when we " wig out" a little. I hear caregivers have lots of stress related illnesses. The trick is to make time for ourselves and to not feel any guilt. I am working on that issue full time!! When you feel tired, stressed and generally out of sorts, look for something that makes you happy. Me, I get on this site, call my daughter, a friend or just go to the library. I love to read, so that is my escape. Mom does too, so she loves it when I come home from the library with large print books for her. Sure has saved us a lot of money. Books are expensive. Want a good laugh? Read anything by Janet Evanovich. She makes me happy. Good night to all and remember, we are all in this together!!!!!

By the way, I heard it's not a drive to crazy, but a short walk. I was wondering if you've ever experienced feeling ill from being around your mother? It's hard for me to explain this feeling, but it's something I physically feel when things don't go well with my Mom. Even though she's the one with the diagnosis, her disease makes me "feel" as though something is wrong with me. No one else makes me feel this way. Is that strange or uncommon?

Oh by the way FMLA...is the Family Medical Leave Act..

Nope not yet, but if it comes down to it I will get Conservatorship.

I can relate to the tricks and such; kind of like a walnut game. What can psychotherapy do for someone with this condition? I heard the answer is, "Not much." So what is the answer? Do you have Guardianship? Hang in there!

Hi Gals,
Oh yes it is something else, she has driven me crazy most of my life and she is not done yet! Yesterday I found her in the garden pulling on plants that are okay instead of weeds....she could not stand that I was starting to take care of the garden and has to have her fingers always over mine. The other day I had a Home Depot bag and some merchandise and the receipt for a return she had the receipt all crumpled up and shoved inside the bag, good thing I found everything. If I don't want something touched I have to hide it from her. She will not go into a nursing home, she says I am trying to kick her out of her house. I went to an attorney and learned about Conservatorship as you have done. But that is a real mess, I am saving that for last. If she pulls another crazy disruptive stunt and not take her meds she's gone! She is sooo stressfull. I have been over there everyday for a month. I have run the whole gamut of phone calls and places and got to many dead ends. The only thing I have is a psychotherapist that comes every week to her..and they just bullshit talk...yeah that's helpful. A social worker who knows her whole story and some in home care help on tues/thurs 4 hrs a day...so let see. I set up her med boxes which she likes to play dumb about, but if she trips up again...it will be conservatorship. She is a very devious person inside, even though people think little old lady!

Dear piratess, my heart goes out to you. I agree with yearight, in feeling sorry for your stress.

I can relate, as my Mom was just diagnosed with "a serious personality disorder," (of unknown variety). So, we're still awaiting further diagnosis. I can relate to both the stress side of things, and the craftiness. I can also relate to a Mom who likes to move heavy furniture (mine has back pain which make it worse). She also like to vacuum - in the middle of the night! I'm finding the illness "comes and goes" with my Mom. She seems to do fine with some people, and in some circles, but does just terrible around me and my family. I don't have a bit of advice, as I'm new to this type of thinking and am looking for answers myself. But just want you to know you're not alone.

I petitioned the court, and was granted Guardianship, and Mom declared a "Legally Incapicated Individual." How sad for her! We have only recently received a diagnosis after a referral to a Geriatric Assessment Clinic. I suspected Dementia, but could get no confirmation. She passed all the tests. When they told me she had a PD, it threw me for a loop. Although, in looking back over a lifetime of ups and downs with her, I can see where they got their diagnosis. She is also being treated for depression. They are giving her some medication for this, and it seems to have made a difference in the way she behaves. Mom seems less angry and combative. That could also be due to the boundaries I have recently been practicing and putting in place for my own "sanity" and stress levels around her.

I was wondering, what is FMLA? Sounds like things get very serious if you have police and paramedics involved at times. Does she end up in ER? I think I'd be feeling the strain from that as you are. What does her Physician say? Is she seeing a competent Geriatric Specialist, and does he/she have a treatment plan? Additionally, I've heard there are support groups for those who have to deal with loved ones with these types of disorders. Have you found one near you? I will be looking for your posts, to see what you find out there.

yearight gave good advice, when she said, "Hang in there." Don't lose yourself while caring for your Mom. There have to be some answers for you and your Mom. So sorry you're struggling. Will keep you, your Mom, and your situation in prayer. Take care of yourself in the process.

i am so sorry that you are so stressed. i know how difficult it is to take care of a parent with BPD. People with this disorder wont allow anyone to take care of them. It is such a complicated thing. My mom has this disorder. i just except that there are things i can do nothing about. talk to your moms dr. if she is out of control or totally unsafe perhaps she could be declared by a court and placed in a facility. Call home care agencies and see what services are available. Is your mom on medicare or medicaid?Try mental health services in your area, adult protection services. Hang in there, you will find a wealth of knowledge on this site with all the other caregivers.