How do you care for your parent when they have always had some form of mental illness?

Neon, sorry for the name mix up. Early onset, you know, :) lol.

Her appointment went well, probably because of prayer. But the burden of the meds was left with me, which I had just resigned to giving away to the health department. Since I made that transition, I am staying with it. I don't want it. In fact, I'm giving more away, maybe even the whole package.

But this afternoon, my son and I are going to the b e a c h, finally! We'll go up and set up "camp" at our favorite spot, while my husband works late. So nine year old and mommy are going on vacation (for the first time this summer) soon as I click the submit button. It's a glorious day, and I'm f r e e e e e e e !

yipee you go girl have fun and splash and play

Hello Ladies,

I can only admire you for your strength and courage. I was searching in desperation for information on helping mentally ill parents and came across this forum.

My situation is somewhat different as my mother is just now becoming an official senior citizen but has been mentally ill for as long as I can remember. She is a paranoid schizophrenic with a multitude of other issues to go along with that. Now she also has serious physical problems in addition to the mental ones.

The most frustrating part about this is that we live on different continents. She has no one where she is (because she has managed to alienate everyone who tried to be nice). My aunt, who lives at the other end of the country, has decided not to manage her money for her any more because she can not cope with the constant phone calls and stress.

I have one sister who also lives at the other end of the country from my mother who is barely able to cope with the multitude of phone calls because she also has her own mental problems to deal with.

Now I am wondering what I can reasonably do when I get the crazy phone calls to help from so far away. I suspect that she will not cope on her own when there is no one managing her money and telling her what to do and there is no one else to help.

Hi Stickeykeys, Welcome to the board. My mom has paranoid schizoaffective disorder (same thing as schizophrenia but without all the symptoms) and bipolar. She has been sick a long time too. She's 82 y/o and in an assisted living center as of a couple of weeks ago. Have you thought about placing your mom in one? Does anyone have conservatorship?

Dear Stickykeys, sounds like a tricky situation. How can she be left to her own "devices"? Sad story. Hope you find some help for your mom. Does she need a Guardian? Assisted Living? It would be interesting to hear how she fares, and what types of help you find for her. Take care.

Thanks for the kind welcome lucy.

Unfortunatley, my mom does not want to go into any kind of assisted living situation and has no financial resources. After living in a group home for several years and being asked to leave, she moved to a nursing home. As she was not even a senior then and had a roommate who was 92, she was not happy and claimed that the people were stealing from her. My aunt moved her out on her own again a couple of years ago and has now decided to have nothing to do with her. No one has conservatorship and she will resist if I try to get something started. She is very crafty for such a sick person and keeps changing psych. doctors after short periods. I don't think anyone can get a handle on what is happening to her in a short time.

Dear Secret Sis,

Thank you for your kind words. I am just starting out trying to figure out this particular developing situation and appreciate any suggestions.

Unfortunately, there is no manual for how to help mentally ill seniors and society at large does not seem equipped to handle them.

I can truly relate to what you're saying, Stickykeys. I am struggling with my mom, as well. Just through out some obvious suggestions. Goodness. Mental illness is difficult to deal with, isn't it? Hope you find the answers you need. Thanks for sharing your story with us, and nice to "meet" you here. Ditto on the welcome!

Oops, meant to say, "threw" out. You're right about lacking a manual. I didn't get one, either. Even my mom's doctors are scratching their heads about what to do. I keep looking to them, and they don't have the answers. How are we supposed to know? What a puzzle!

So how do all of you cope when you get the crazy phone calls (the oh, I thought you were dead type)? I find they throw me into a tailspin each time and I have yet to come up with an effective way of shaking it off.

I can only admire all of your strength in dealing with your mentally ill parents in close proximity!!

I know what you mean about crafty. My mom is 82 and she is as clever as ever. People keep saying its dementia and alzheimer's. Of course these are people who didn't know her 25 yrs ago when she was first diagnosed and started on meds (or have lived with her). She may have a little dementia but she is way too crafty for someone with serious dementia related problems.

BPD isn't the same as Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

All this chat about personality disorders is interesting, did you know there are websupport groups specifically for Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and others.....all you have to do is do a websearch. You may find information help and coping skills that aren't available on an eldercare site like this.

Here in a nutshell for everyone who is reading & doesn't have a frame of reference for what NPD is a good explaination:

With narcissim, it is a CONSISTENT personality trait so to speak, where the person organizes their entire life around convincing others that they are much more superior than they might orginally think the narcissist to be. They might go to great measures to do this regardless so they lie, cheat, etc. What makes this disorder so interesting, is most of the time, people who truly have this disorder don't recognize in themselves that they truly feel inadequate to others. They build up many defenses (which include lies and grandiose thinking errors) to keep themselves from experiencing the negative emotions associated with a loss of self-worth or self-esteem. But underneath all of the energy expenditure to convince others that they are superior (and thus themselves) they UNCONSCIOUSLY feel like they are below par in all the areas that matter most in life.
You can sort of view narcissim as the "fake personality" a person adopts to keep them from feeling inadequate. The unconscious feelings of inadequacy are greater than those who do not suffer from this personality disorder, which is why sufferers go to great lengths to maintain this personality.

Most often, they will come from a childhood environment where the people whose respect & love mattered most (ex: parents) was witheld and they felt and/or were greatly criticized as a child unless you succeeded in the areas which seemed important. And almost as often they might come from a family of the opposite extreme where they may have been the favorite - showered with complete praise and never needed to question their superiority until you got to school as a young child and didn't receive greater adoration than the other children from your teachers (for example)and this built in anxiety which motivated you as a child to search for a solution which ended up evolving into this disorder. Narcissists are skilled at manipulating codependant relationships to reinforce their sense of superiority.

Dear Annlidiot, you aren't you know. What a good description. I was so happy to have a lable for this disorder than I searched and searched for material, found some great stuff, My mother lives with me, my choice and she's always been NPD ever since I can remember and almost went insane from the age of 13 to 21. When I read this info it was OMG this is my life, I plan on writing my own book sometime in the near future and be more specific, it should be enlightening and humorous as well as heart breaking. It damages everyone in the family in some form and the only one that can change is me. I've been going to a therapist for the past month. He told me yesterday that I have a good handle on it and that I don't need anymore therapy

#1 recognize it
#2 Understand it
#3 Gather yourself
#4 on't feel guilty
#5 Be "CALM"
#6 If necessary GET OUT

LOL tHATS ALL i DID WHEN i WAS A TEENAGER WAS TRY TO FIND A WAY OUT NOW AT THIS AGE i'VE INVITED HER IN WHATS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE, wELL THE SIBLINGS DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH HER AND i COULDN'T LET MY PARENTS LIVE ALONE AS THERE WAS NO ONE TO HELP THEM.

Well enough said there are so many and you know what I find interesting our childhoods were horrific and we aren't that way???

New reading material

Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

WILL I EVER BE GOOD ENOUGH? Written by Karyl McBride PhD

Have a good day and do something nice for you each and every day. Neon

Thanks, Neon. That was nice. And good for you!

Assisted living sounds like a good plan. We just can't uproot everyone but she does need help Some one in the assited facility might be able to set up a bank plan for your mom and the bank could handle her needs with permission from you to give her X $'s per month or week for spend money this may require you to take a trip but in the long run that would be easier for you and your family. But like all things this is just a suggestion.

Here is a little of my experience in caring for my elderly mother who is mentally ill and now has dementia. I have had to drop everything (job, children, and my life) to care for my mentally ill mother. Growing up my brother and I just always thought she was just a mean old lady but as I've aged have figured out she has some mental illness. She has never been diagnosed w/ anything besides dillusional disorder. She now has dementia and is just as difficult as before. She keep getting lost and people contacted the police and they contacted the Adult Protective Services and they deemed her unable to live alone. It was either I take care of her or put her in a nursing home. With her paranoia she would not have stayed in any kind of housing that was shared I moved in w/ her. By the APS being the ones who came out to be the bad guys I was her only hope to keep her out of a nursing home. That hasn't made it any easier. We are in year 3 and she is in an adult daycare that is paid for through a medicaid program Elderchoices and I also get some reprieve through this program. But with all this said your best bet is to see if the local police dept can connect you to services that assist in caring for someone who can help someone who cannot care for themself. Good Luck and God Bless

My mother is succeeding at shortening my lifespan. I'm not terribly upset about that because I don't want to live as long as she has anyhow (90 yrs), but next week or next month is a little sooner than I would like.
I can't quite figure whether my little narcissist/munchhousen/demon is truly attempting to take me out with her or just could'nt care less what effect her crazy is having on myself or the rest of the family. She is a smack in the face of anything true or Godly and a constant source of offence to me.
On the days when I need to attend to the queen I am litterally paralyzed up until the last possible moment to ready myself & go.
She has run her "con" on others well and I get absolutly no help from her doctors. I am ready to temder my resignation (again) and hand her over to the state in order to save my own life. My husband fights me on this...worried about what people would think, but not so much worried about my wellbeing. She has been sucking the life out of me for 15 yrs..(since my father died).
She refuses any outside help unless she goes on one of her little "vacations" to the hosp and rehab at the NH. The docs are more than willing to milk the medicare cow for all they can & they'll have to answer to GOD for that. When she is ready to come home she'll tell them she is perfectly capable although her slave is required to do most everything for her. The cycle then begins all over again. The docs have acknowledged the parrtern but have all but accused me as the cause.
How is it that folks over 65 are to be considered sweet little old people with no recognition of past history as crazy, evil, wicked, criminal or demonic????? How is it that we allowed the government to close all the institutions and dump these lunatics in our laps?????? WTF???????

How is it that folks over 65 are to be considered sweet little old people with no recognition of past history as crazy, evil, wicked, criminal or demonic?????
....What a mouthful of truth! Mom's hateful to those close to her - nothing new (BPD, NPD, possible MPD) - and it slays me when someone says that they just LOVE her because she's so understanding and compassionate. I've offered to give her to them and they laugh - they think I'm joking....

I know the stress and pain that you are going through! Believe me my mother has suffered from a personality disorder for over thirty years and refuses to get treatment or an examination by a physician so I am not sure what type of disease she has. I am an only child and live over thirty five miles away from her. She has three sisters that all live in the same area. Can you believe that one has not spoken to her for over 15 years, the other about 6 months and the youngest, which lives 3 miles away from my mother whom is single and retired may see her once every other week. All family members are in denial and refuse to assist me with a family intervention meeting in persuading my mother to get treatment but yet expect me to be at my mother's beckon call! I am married and work full time and have my own responsibilities to take care of. My health is not the best and I frequently feel ill after seeing my mother. I feel abused by her behavior and it is wearing down! I love my mother but I also and concerned about my emotional and physical health. I don't know which way to turn. Help!

I've decribed this feeling as just a steady stream of toxicity that is dripped into your life. If it was a stranger saying all the ugly things and belittling and criticizing you could blow it off, but when its your parent, you just can't. Whatever the reasons for it, whether it is deep-rooted anxiety or a mistaken belief that criticism and perfectionism is some kind of evidence of love and concern, it is absolutely normal for a healthy person to be sickened and dragged down by it. I hated to find myself just running away from it and just wishing it would stop. But I had to stop visiting daily, keep visits shorter, and sadly, distance myself a little more than I ever wanted to emotionally.

My mom is in a skilled care facility after an essentially failed rehab stay...too long a story for here - she'd been in assisted living out of state and I used that as the entree' for moving her here after my dad passed on last year. I do my mom's laundry since she is now close enough to make it practical, though this nursing home will actually do it for no extra charge - just to force myself to go there and to have a "reason" to be there every few days, because I feared I otherwise could easily slip into not visiting much at all. I think that might be a key - if they think you are a captive audience they just let it all loose on you rather than even try to think about how it makes you feel and how it makes you not want to spend time with them. Not that perspective taking is going to be a strong point for folks with any kind of dementia, but if they notice that they can't just fully take your presence for granted they may be able to learn some limits that make things tolerable.

Lroye.... Please forgive me when I say this, but I chuckled when I read your post because I can't tell you how many times I used to get criticized so I simply told them, "I'll make you a bet. You can have all of mom and dad's money if you can go a week with her. No joke." People used to scoff at me and my husband would tell people how serious I was if they thought they could do it better.

Fortunate or unfortunate (depending how you look at it), my parents have the money to keep them in a nice assisted living facility. As you can guess no one took me up on my bet. Go figure!

My mother has BPD, and she just burns everyone wherever she goes. I took care of her for 9 years, for the last year she has been going back and forth between my siblings out of state and she has reached a whole new level of insanity. We are all out of ideas and don't know what to do.

Ya'll are all describing my dad.....he is in rehab right now recovering from a broken hip. 2 days ago, he left 6 messages on my mom's cell phone that "she'd better have protection" if she shows up at the hospital. He has threatened her so many times in their life, police have been called, etc. He truly is Jekyll & Hyde. They have been married 57 years and it has been going on since the beginning. He is now going into an assisted living facility when he leaves rehab (he doesn't know this yet), Mom is killing herself trying to care for someone who says he loves her but acts like he hates her.......Freud (sp) would have a field day with him....btw, he could charm Freud into thinking that everyone around him are the crazies....

My mother-in-law has obsessive compulsive disorder and anxiety disorder and she is in a nursing home and she is always calling my husband and I telling us that the care givers are miss treating her. She constantly tells us people are spreading lies about her. Is this all a part of her mental disorder?

Busylady, short answer, yes.

Long answer, it's her illness with its intrinsic anxiety tinged with paranoia plus maybe dementia where she can no longer even tell herself some of her worries may not make sense, plus worrying about being worried and trying to give herself a sane explanation for why she is worried.

Untreated mental illness can be like a little window into hell. You probably get nowhere trying to reason with her, but reassuring her she is a loved person and distracting her with all the good things about her you can think of, and telling her that many people worry when they are in her situation, but what others say about her just isn't that important, especially if it isn't true, and "everybody" with an ounce of sense can see it isn't true, may get you a LITTLE peace...but medication, if there is anything she can take, might help a lot. She really is suffering, and the rituals and obsessions are the things she has to try to keep that suffering at bay.

This is an old thread but if someone stumbles on this I just want to say my heart goes out to all caregivers of a seriously ill person with personality disorders. Particularly Borderline and Narcissistic PD. These people are impulsive, verbally abusive, sometimes violent people. They seek to control you and make you their servants and whipping posts. They are paranoid, vindictive people that find pleasure in your pain. How does one care for someone like that and doesnt suffer severe damage themselves? Dont talk about boundaries, because PD people. Iew boundaries as personal insults and challenges to overcome by stepping up their crazy level and vindictiveness towards you. My personal advice? Run! Save yourself and beg God for forgiveness. If you dont you sill see him sooner than you think because you are going to stroke out yourself.

I know this post is old, but how did you get the BPD diagnosis? Relocated from disabled husband (Lyme's disease/Liver disease/Metabolic dementia) and daughter (focal seizures) to help mom with deceased husband's estate to GA from PA. My mother wanted us here to help sell her home so she could move back North to be with us. Once here we realized that she suffers from mild cognitive impairment, dependence on ambien, extreme emotional swings and religious delusion (she thinks my husband, daughter and I are possessed). She has become increasingly confrontational and is in complete denial about her condition. We had to call EMS because she was acting strangely. This made her angry, so she called the police and hired a lawyer to have us evicted. We have involved adult protective services and they didn't help, but are they aware. She is abusive to my husband, b/c she thinks he is the head demon, but smart enough not to say it to anyone else. Police tell me to get an involuntary commitment for evaluation, but she is not an imminent threat to anyone. She also suffers from diabetes, coronary artery disease, depression, anxiety and has an infarct on her left occipital lobe. We spend about 20 hours a week at doctor's appointments and I spend another 15 hours a week sorting paperwork, arranging medical transportation, etc. This doesn't allow me work enough for us to move out. Almost at my wits end. In addition, I believe she has a Personality Disorder which may be the cause of a lot of the drama.

dherrington, there was an interesting article in the LA Times recently by a doctor from Britain. He was talking about involuntary medication of seriously mentally ill people. At the end of the article, he made some fascinating comments comparing US to Europe - he said that he thought in the US we considered danger to self or others to be an extremity - namely imminent physical harm - whereas in Europe they were more proactive and considered danger to self to be much more realistic, like if "you don't take your medication, you will have a poor lifestyle, on the streets, malnutrition. etc." so they can act to hospitalize much sooner than waiting for a physical attack. All too often people try to "help" or protect mentally ill people long past the time that professional intervention is necessary - so instead of "forcing" treatment which might well help the patient, the illness just drags on, destroying lives. Wish there were some answers. Will be interesting to see how Laura's Law works in California.

rovana - that is very interesting. My mother was finally diagnosed with BPD when she was 96. I think they are too reluctant to give treatment to PDs here in Canada too. Only when she got suicidal did they act. Before that the harm was emotional - to myself and to herself and others. That should count too.

dherrington They did the diagnosis when mother was in hospital for something else, and her senior nanny broke down in front of hospital staff and told about the abuse she had been subjected to. Frankly, I think if it had been a family member they may not have gone ahead with the diagnosis. It really is a very difficult situation. If you can document her behaviors and take them to her doc when she is seeing him/her about something else and let the doc know - give the doc your account of your mum's problems, it should help. Ask for a psychiatric evaluation. It sounds like your mum is delusional and needs an antipsychotic. Good luck.