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My mother has been living with me for the past seven years. She has advanced dementia. My sister lives five hours away and comes up to visit about 3-4 times per year. Whenever my sister wants to visit, she lets me know. Recently, I let her know that the last ten days of March would not be a good time to visit. She contacted me and said that she would be coming up anyway. She is retired and has an open schedule. I reiterated that it wasn't a good time to come. My sister has a toxic personality and has been abusive to me and my mother. I have never told her that she can't visit. But, I have let her know if it is a poor time to do so - which very rarely happens. She came up anyway and stayed for a few hours and sat with our mother. She sent me a text saying that she can visit our mother whenever she wants. I have never prevented any visits. I just want to know if she has the 'right' to come in whenever she wants. Again, I am not trying to stop her (even though she is mean and nasty to me when she comes).

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Of course your entitled sister does not have the 'right' to visit YOUR home whenever she wants to: YOU have to give her the okay FIRST. Otherwise, sissy can sit on the driveway in her car for all you care! Nobody has the 'right' to enter anyone else's home uninvited, regardless of whether their mother lives in that home or not. She knows that, she's just acting like a big entitled bully in order to cow YOU into caving in to her demands.

She's retired with lots of time on her hands? Even more so she can change HER schedule to suit YOURS, then, huh? :)

Let her know that you're happy to accommodate her visits on YOUR schedule, so she'll have to coordinate her visits with YOU beforehand.

Sad how bullies are the ones who act mean & nasty when you are trying to accommodate them, isn't it?
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Well, I suppose everyone has the right to be a rude, inconsiderate, unhelpful, antagonistic cow if she wants to. Is that what your sister is aiming for?

Your mother has a right to a relationship with her daughter, and if you significantly stood in the way of that there might be a problem. But telling your sister not to come on, say, Wednesday because you're having the carpets cleaned or friends round to lunch... is not a problem.

Did this latest visit actually inconvenience you or would you just have preferred her to pick a different time?

By the way. Your sister does not have any right to come into your house and be verbally or emotionally abusive to you. What do you mean by mean and nasty?
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cwillie Mar 2022
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In rereading ur post I see sister is 5hrs away and only stays a few hours? She doesn't stay at least overnight or a couple of days. So she comes when she wants and expects u to change plans? Got to love entitled people.
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Was the 10 days not a good time for you or for Mom. If it was because you had lots of things to do, then just go ahead and do them. Leave her to watch Mom. If it was Mom who had lots of things to do sister would just have to work around Mom. I would not have canceled anything.

If this happens again, say no problem but just want you to be aware that if you come during this time, I do have plans so your visit will need to work around them. Thats not saying she can't visit, its just giving her a heads up. Your are not obligated to cancel. If she asks you to cancel then say she can visit anytime, you can't change plans/appts made in advance.
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She can knock knock knock but you don't have to let her in or even be at home🤷
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Your house, yes? Does she hold the mortgage or pay the rent?

She CAN visit your mother whenever she wants, as long as she makes arrangements with you first.

So she is just showing up at the door (so of course you'd let her in) and/or showing up when you're at work (so of course Mom lets her in), yes? She has you caught in her delightful little web, my dear.

This is all bully behavior.

I'd love for someone to ask her why bother visiting if you can only be mean and nasty when you do--what's the point?

Since she doesn't work, I would be tempted to text her and say I'm dropping Mom off for a visit on such and such a day....you're retired so you have the time whenever I need a break.

When caring for my terminal husband, two of his relatives on different occasions wanted to visit on days he wasn't up for visitors. I did email both and politely asked them to delay their visits. A sister of his insinuated I was trying to keep her from seeing her brother (good grief) and a sister-in-law of his turned drama queen--if they didn't come now, it'd be three more months before they could see him again b/c they couldn't leave their sheep herd alone after the day they planned to visit (whaaaaat?).

They both won. My husband just sighed, said never mind.

I wish you the best extracting yourself from her bully-web. Hugs.
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