My dad has been hoodwinked by my younger half brother, after my wonderful step mother passed suddenly, my young half brother ( from a previous marriage) jumped into action immediately, to take his drivers license away first, then he felt he needed conservatorship, without discussing with anyone of his siblings, they both lived in MN my father’s wife was from MN. my dads from NJ he loves the beach’s he’s a lifeguard in Atlantic City NJ he has 3 children living in NJ a host a cousins who all love my dad but because he’s in MN we can’t visit as much or often as we like. It’s been 4 almost 5 years my dad’s been in there . People aren’t supposed to last 5 years, 2-3 years say the professionals , he sounds great! Strong he was a walker, going to the gym everyday, I know he washes and dresses himself, has , occasional pee pee accident's since last year. Can I go get him?
How do you know your father washes and dresses himself ? Is Dad the one telling you that ? If so, that may not be the case .
Your father is in memory care for a reason . A lot of patients with dementia can sound great on the phone. They can carry on a conversation “ Yes , I go to the gym everyday “. In reality he could be remembering going to the gym from 15 years ago and he thinks it was yesterday .
My grandmother used to tell me on the phone all the great dinners she was cooking for herself.
She wasn’t cooking .
You can not go by what your father says , including about going back to New Jersey . He can not make those decisions anymore. He’s safe where he is . When he says he wants to go back to New Jersey he thinks he’s going to live independently in his old home . Since he sounds great that means he has adjusted to where he is , even if he makes some unrealistic requests.
Leave him where he is , visit him .
He has been placed, you tell us, by his conservator.
That's it.
The conservator is in charge.
You CAN go visit him.
It will be very difficult if the person now responsible for him is doing a good job. No fraud, abuse, (financial or other abuse). Unless the person , your half brother wants to relinquish his position as conservatorship.
You can go visit.
If you want to maintain contact with your dad, if you want to visit I suggest that you be nice, kind, courteous to your half brother as well as to the staff when you do visit. If he even suspects that a visit from you would upset your dad he can prohibit visits.
I am caring for my father Charles, who is 87 years old, living in a nursing home with age-related decline, alzheimer's / dementia, depression, and osteoporosis.
Do you realize why your half brother "jumped into action" immediately to take dad's license away? Because he suffers from dementia and has no business behind the wheel of a car!
My mother lived in AL and then Memory Care Assisted Living for a total of 8 years. So much for what the "professionals" have to say!
"Occasional pee pee accidents" is known as incontinence and goes hand in hand with dementia.
You cannot go get your father out of his memory care AL because your half brother has conservatorship for him. Meaning dad isn't competent to make his own decisions and only his son gets to make decisions for him.
That your father was once a lifeguard, loved walking and working out daily does not mean he's the same dad now, at 87, with progressive dementia for almost 5 years! Sad but true.
Speak to your half brother about your wishes and see what he has to say. He ultimately has the final say.
Good luck to you.
No, you cannot go and get him. Your brother went to court to get Conservatorship and was granted it by a Judge. He has to report to the State every year.
If Dad is on Medicaid, it does not transfer from state to state. If he is private pay, then his suppliment may not transfer.
I think the best thing would be to visit. He has no idea what it would take to get from MN to NJ. And I would not drive all those miles with an incontinent adult.
Or do you want to provide all his care? If so, I'd suggest sitting in at the MC for 3 days & nights to view your Father's care needs & routine.
IF you think you can provide all that, then spend another 3 days & nights providing ALL his care. Not the care staff, you. Dressing, bathing, feeding & managing incontinence needs.
Then you may start to understand his care needs better.
Actually, as you are not Conservator you would not be actually allowed to DO any of that.. plus it could upset your Father to upset his routine. But I suggest it as a thinking point - because many times there can be big gap between what an out of state relative THINKS & the FACTS.
Your father is mostly likely in a set routine with people he now knows, taking him out could be a disaster.
With a large group of relatives, could you pool some money and send one or two of the tech savvy in the group, have them visit, and set up a zoom or facetime with the rest? In person is WAY better than speculating. Just keep in mind that even people with dementia can SHINE IT ON for others, you might get a false front.
As hard as this is, your dad may be right where he needs to be.
I recommend that you go visit, have a face to face discussion with your brother about how he sees dad is really doing but, before that, educate yourself on dementia. It sounds like dad is showtiming during phone calls and that has you questioning the situation.
Rregardless of what people say, you can NOT get someone committed (placed in memory care) if they are fine, you can NOT get conservatorship unless you can prove they are unfit to control their own finances. Our courts are very careful about taking away rights, so my guess would be that your dad was being cared for by his lovely wife and you weren't fully aware of the extent of his illness and condition on a day to day basis.
I hope you can go visit and see what the reality is in this tough situation.
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