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Sspiel, I hope your mom already set up Durable POA, Medical POA, and her will. If not you should file for guardianship immediately. With either you will be able to (with doctor's orders) move her to a memory care facility. Mom is already to incapacitated to be making her own decisions--it will be easy for a doctor or judge to see that. As far as brother, let God give him his reward.
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Nolagal, your advice "I would also suggest you get an elder attorney to make you the Executor of the estate and get a POA and a Health Care POA on your mom." needs clarification. The grantor needs to make/approve changes like this. We can't unilaterally make these things happen.

I just thought I'd add this caveat.
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Wow, I moved in this past September to care for my mother. I have five brothers and only was is consistently helpful. This is so stressful, my mother will be 85 and has increasing dementia. My own health has decline since I have been here. I struggle with being angry/resentful of my other brothers. Not fair and very selfish.
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toriej113, I understand what you're trying to say, but a will can't go into a trust.A person's assets (or many of them) could go into a trust IF your mother is willing to have one set up. Be careful how the trust is written, though, in case some of those assets are needed before she passes. In the trust my parents set up, I have to have one other beneficiary approve any disbursements. If your brother is the only other potential beneficiary, you're still likely to be challenged using those resources if he doesn't cooperate.

Leave some assets out for her control, like her checking account.

Best advice: see an attorney that specializes in trusts, eldercare, etc.
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sspiel,
I totally understand how awful it is to have a brother that does nothing for his own Mother or sister.I have the 2 most selfish brothers on earth that both live close by and never lift a finger,for 9 years straight now.They say they love us but never show it by their actions.Both are Eagle Scouts and claim to be Christians.After all our parents did for them,they are invisable now when Mother needs them most.I just wanted you to know that there are alot of other selfish brothers out there and I feel your pain.They will have to account for their behavior with God and probably have bad karma till they do.They have chosen to throw away wonderful memories they could have made.People tell me to pray for them and let it go but its hard.Take care.LuckyLu
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Hi Ssiel,
My Mom is 70, has DDD, Colitis, has good days and bad. We, (my Stepfather and I), don't let her do hard physical chores, we get in there and handle the tough stuff she wants done. Ha-lots of times she's the one that takes on something that is too much, she WANTS to do it, USED to be able, and I know that feeling myself, but have resigned myself to the fact I won't be riding a skateboard down the street anytime soon, or riding motocross again, or getting in on a game of football. :-)

You are the same age as the Mother that I am protecting and helping, is someone helping you? Often times she's in too much pain to sleep at night, can be really running on empty from lack of sleep, so I drive her places she needs to go, go with to Dr. appointments, remind her of questions she had. You must be really tough, and that's admirable, but you need to think of yourself some too.

If she's forgetting things like how to work the remote, I'd be scared she'd forget how to work the phone, heaven forbid she'd fall or something. It might be time to consider a different situation for her even though she doesn't like the idea. Little kids don't always like the idea of bath time, bed time, eating veggies, but they can't be left up 'til midnight, dirty and eating a candy bar in place of dinner. :-) I know it's hard to be "the bad guy", but sometimes we've got to be. If the finances aren't there to get her someone to be there more hours, or she just won't allow it, you really may have to find her a different place to live. I will absolutely hate it when I have to do that someday, it will be hard, and I know my Mom will hate it. But we can't leave them in an unsafe or undignified situation either.

Good luck, take your time and think it through, -ignore your brother, unless he's willing to put some actual skin in the game for a change. If you are stuck calling the shots then call them and don't feel bad about it. You're doing the best you can, and that's all any of us can do.
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I have been caring for my mother for 7 years and my mother in law for 9. My
children are still living home. The years have been getting harder and harder as
they get older. both their husbands died which is why they came to live with us.
My husband is an only child but I have two other siblings. One lives in Italy but the
other lives 2 hours away. She comes to see my mother every 5 months or so.
I had to cause a hugh fight for her to take her for one week so my husband and I could take vacation. We haven't been on vacation for years now. She on the otherhand is never home. Always going somewhere. My live has changed
drastically. Not that I don't want to care for my mother but its a hugh weight. Lost all my independence and the ability to spend time with my family and husband.
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I can totally relate to your situation. I, too, have been left now for the past year and a half taking care of my 89 year old mother. I live in Montana and she lived in California. Upon a visit in 2013 I was surprised at how they had been neglecting my mothers needs who at the time lived in her own home right next door to them. They had a attitude when I arrived which at first couldn't understand but now my eyes are open, after a couple of arguments and after seeing my mothers needs and the beginnings if dementia I told my brother that mom needed help. He told me him & his wife were through helping and I could do what I wanted. After long discussions with my mother she made the discussion to move to assisted living. With no help from my brother I packed up my moms home, we put it up for sale, got her all moved in to assisted living and even had the house sold within 2 months! However after one year there in assisted living in California and no phone calls or visits from my brother to my mother and after 4 trips back and forth from Montana to California my mother asked if she cod just come and live with me & my husband. We packed her up and she has been with us now for 4 months. I no longer will ever have another thing to do with my brother for the simple fact that he has turned on my mother. She has also been so good to us, even bought us each a home. I have no problem with this, my life much easier now even if I have to cook, clean, repeat myself endlessly to my mother. I deal with her hours if depression and yes, I have my moments if frustration, resentment, and some anger but am dealing with it. Recommended by my moms new doctor, read "The 36 Hour Day". A guide for families dealing with Alzheimer's & dementia. Take care of yourself first and everything will be as it should be. We can't change others but we can do what we feel is the best if ourselves and lived ones.
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What we need to do, and I haven't gotten up the heart yet either, is to make one move, although it feels cruel, and tell mother enough is enough, and she needs to be in a nursing home. I never signed up for this job, and it is draining my spirit and soul.
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What is it about the sibling who doesn't want to lift a finger to help has all of the advice for those of us who are actually doing the work?! It sounds like you've done so much for your mom and have gone way above and beyond the call of duty. Personally, I agree with a couple of the other comments that both you and your mom would benefit if you moved her to an assisted living/ memory care. With what you've described the way your mom is behaving she needs a lot of help and supervision and it's nearly impossible for you to keep doing this alone, 24/7. If brother is opposed to it, tell him you're open to other ideas and options that he has but stand firm that you are not able to care for your mom any longer. I did it for years and now that I moved my mom into assisted living, although it's still a lot of work managing everything and I visit her 5 days a week, I feel I'm able to spend quality time with her and enjoy our time together rather than be the frustrated, stressed out, impatient caregiver. Not to mention being able to sleep at night! I know it is a big decision and is not an easy one but once you do it, you will have more peace of mind for yourself and your mom!Best of luck to you!!
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I feel your pain!
People shouldn't post unless they to have walked this line! My mother will be89 this summer the past ten years she's had some health issues. and now Dementia, and the MEDS help! Currently out of the hospital and in a rehab for the elderly, planning to come home and live with my family, its not easy but mom and dad (dads be gone 16 yrs. ) did so much for me growing up that it would only be selfish of me not to take care of mom. I do have A family member (out of state) that always says what can I do to help O and thanks for caring for mom..... But every time she use to fly in all they do is make a mess of things and it takes me a week or to calm mom down and straighten stuff. Its been five years I told them NO MORE just stay away! Before this last trip to the hospital it was four years since I talked to sis and let me tell you it was nice! I'm in my forty's with a growing family. Yes its hard but in the end worth it and the peace of mind that you did everything possible. REWARDING
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Families can be the worst, at a time like this families should band together but many pull away. some men think certain work is 'above' them or 'womans' work. Maybe he is in denial about her condition. You are correct however when you say its a 24/7 and I'm sure you are tired. Contact your local area agency on aging and ask about their in home services for your mom and family caregiver services for you. You deserve a break and it's not fair that he doesn't help out, especially when it come to the 'big' tasks. I care for my dad and while my brother doesn't provide the hands on care, he helps out in other ways; I know if I were ill or not at home and dad needed care he would provide it. I'm sorry your brother can't recognize the fact that you need help. Look for outside resources to make your life easier. Check into an adult medical day care, its a great place for socialization, dementia care, keep active and have a meal. Good luck, remember you are not alone, there are many caregivers and I think we all have some family members that are just not worth a second thought.
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Please know, you are not alone. Most caregivers are women; most men simply do not care. They were raised to be "momma's boys" and expect someone to care for them. Your brother and his family sound selfish and self-absorbed. Forget them. Don't try an appease and be a martyr. It would not do any good. They are taking advantage of you and you are permitting them to do so. Please make a decision regarding your mother. I know...I care for a husband who believes this world belongs to him exclusively. Stubborn, mean spirited, nothing matters except him...he will lie about anything and everything. There comes a time when enough is enough. Make a life for yourself. No one can do this but you. Put mom in a home and rebuild your life. And, do not feel GUILTY! It's their trump card. Guilt, profound guilt---don't let it happen. If you do, you will be stuck with mom until either one of you die---and yes, statistics state caregivers often die before their loved ones. Do not permit this to happen. I would suggest making a plan for your life without mom. With your mom in an assisted living home, what are your options. Will you be able to afford to stay in her house, pay the bills, have health insurance, etc. If not, where would you live? Do you qualify for "reduced rent for seniors. Many people do. Check on apartments near you. Join church or social groups. Create an interest, take a class. Take care of yourself---perhaps for the first time in your life. You will be much more happier. And, visit mom whenever YOU wish. At some point, caregivers must get off of that "merry-go-round. If not, it will ultimately destroy you. God bless.
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Two things:
1. Dad had dementia, too. But if I had said to him that his care in his own home was taking a tremendous toll on my brother and me, he would have denied vehemently that he needed us at all! So that would never have talked him into agreeing to even assisted living...and we continued to make our thrice-daily visits to make sure he was medicated and fed. Never could get him to get cleaned up adequately unless he had a doctor appointment. He smelled all the time, poor thing.
2. We finally did get him into a good memory-care assisted living place by lying to him that he needed some in-house rehab because he was losing weight and falling (all true.) He settled in well over a few weeks, and we kept assuring him that this was not a hospital, that we were trying to get him to feel better. When he did fall the next time (it IS inevitable sometimes), at least he had someone right there to help.
So, do what you must, when the time comes that YOU need it to happen. Love your mom and do what's good for both of you. She'll probably love the friends and meals at assisted living!
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I am an only child and I care for my mom with Alzheimers alone as well. Sad thing is your brother will probably rush to the house after mom dies so he can make sure he gets his share. That is usually how it works from what I can see with friends. I am 52 and mom is 80. I can't imagine being 70 caring for my mom as I do now but I know its a possibility. I suggest you use whatever resources mom has...home, bank accounts, etc to make it as easy as possible on you. If that means an assisted living memory facility or even look into day care facilities and drop her off for a few hours a day or a few days so you can have a life. I would also suggest you get an elder attorney to make you the Executor of the estate and get a POA and a Health Care POA on your mom. If brother wants you in charge, have the paperwork to prove it. If you can get the house put in your name..do it.
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I'm taking a different turn on this situation. What are Mom's finances? Do you have Power of Attorney for her health and finances? If she has a will move it to a trust. If she has a trust who gets the money and who has the power? YOU should be in the driver's seat for finances, not your brother. This is to protect you. Forget the brother and turn inward to be sure you and your mother are protected financially.

Can you get Mom to a Senior Center for a meal at least once a week, or for a movie or class? Do you go to church? If you don't have a specific religious affiliation then look for a good sized church with outreach for seniors and caregivers. Any hospitals in your area probably have support groups for caregivers. Do something for yourself every day.
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Despite what your mother says you need more help. Get more people In and enroll her in an adult day care center. Don't take no for an answer either! I am the sole caregiver for my mother and I know what it's like. I remind her that I do a lot of things that I don't want to as it's part of life . She need to be in the main stream . I always tell my mother I'm doing this for you not to you and that I love her. Try it!!! Good luck to you.
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Siblings come up with all sorts of excuses if they think they can get away with it. It's because "you're the girl" or "you're the oldest" or "you don't have the responsibilities I have." It doesn't matter what it is, really, it's a lame excuse and, if it works for them, then more power to them.

It's hard to walk away from a parent needing help. On the other hand, if we don't put any boundaries there, then it's going to still fall to us.

It's sad that we let our families do this to us, but we're just too close to the situation to realize that we have to find ways to nip it in the bud, where possible.

Think of it, this way - if your sibling finds their lame excuse and then you fall for it and do everything, they can sit back with a clear mind - they don't have to do anything AND they don't have to worry about the parent - it's a totally great situation for them - they get it all.

Before anyone says something like, "Hey, how come some of these people don't have a conscience?," well, who knows. If we could figure out why some people are responsible and others aren't, we could write a book, get rich, and pay for our parents to be taken care of in great style without any more worries, probably. :-)
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I know how you feel. I have 3 siblings(2 that live in the area) that do not help and feel they don't have to. One is a female and the oldest. I am very tired. I moved in with Mom and she is doing well now. I helped her thru 2 knee replacements and 1 hip replacement after Dad died 2 years ago. (I helped with him for 3 yrs prior to his death). If she passes before me I am moving and changing my name. Enough is enough. I will be 59 next week and am just worn out. I don't regret helping my parents because they were good to us, but you can have my siblings. Good luck with your situation. I think I might get some counseling to help with mine.
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May God bless you amid your frustration...I am tempted to suggest that you ask brother if he cracked up before or after mom required 24/7 care but it would do no good....The only person who can make brother pitch in is brother...on the other hand, if he is retired, you might work up the courage to say you will be gone for the week of such and such in May or June and no one will be there for mom, so you imagine it will be quite consequential if he does not spend that week with her..perhaps a counselor could help you with it..another (faint) possibility is to have an intervention, as some families do with the alike or druggie who is ruining their lives....I wish you well..
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Yes Ma was like that, and now 92, can shift all the furniture around her room in just a very short time, and then sit there very pleased with herself. Next time I visit the room is in another décor !! We tried a rest home for her, but she could walk, and walk she did...... the police had to return her several times, [oh such nice boys] and also tourists, then the rest home said no more as she had a temper tantrum one night.
They were right we had just hoped that the good times would increase and the bad times disappear when she had someone to make her food and give her drinks. I had done everything but eat the food for her in the village my other sister sent her to, and Id find it in strange places.
Where she is they have freedom to do their thing, and the place is just a very high fence all around so they can go outside into the garden freely, just not leave via the front door by themselves.
the peace for all concerned is worth it, I did feel bad, but it was what she needed.
She of course ranted and raved but had no answer when we told her about the oven glowing bright red, and the next morning when I got over the warming drawer was on so a very hot kitchen. and going out to look for the cat one wet night then couldn't remember how to get back. Luckily a sister did pop in even tho it was about 7.30 at night and put her to bed, Had pneumonia the next morning and the cat had bronchitis when she returned. that was the final decision making escapade..
I did tell the hospital that I was the only child physically able to have her, but she would have to go into the dog kennel as I would be out on the farm for several hours at a time and that was the only area that had a 2m high fence.. they kept her in, until a space was found at the rest home. I had no confidence in the rest home villa that she had been placed in.
its hard we so want to respect their wishes, and treat them as an adult. but sundowners and memory loss have no respect either
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Mom is very healthy, as was her mother. She lived to 98, in fetal position in a nursing home for 8 years. Body good, mind gone. I am afraid that is how Mom will do.Today was bad, she was terribly mixed up, didn't remember calling me several times earlier.These days I think we have to MAKE her go into assisted living. Then she has a fairly good day.I know we will physically have to carry her out of the house. any thought there?
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Oh I know all about those special sons... Even when she cant remember that she got married and had children, but can tick off our names by looking at her fingers, she gets to that little pinky and says John my John......... then asks what does he look like
Hey you never chose your family, you care for your mother, so now its time to choose your life and love yourself. This might sound hard but after 2wks your mother wont remember where she lived or what her house was all about. and after 2mths she will stop that routine I hate being here my family forced me into care. [that's a default built into the elderly] Please go have some fun you are only a couple of years older than me. I have already divorced most of the family apart from one. and its really nice n pleasant.
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33 years? Surely you're kidding? She's over 90 which means you've been care giving since she was 60? Maybe you meant 3 years?

If she's able to "flit" about, apart from memory issues, does she have health issues?
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You're an angel for taking care of her the way you have. It's ridiculous that you get no help from your siblings, as well as deal with the drain your mom causes. Stay the course. Make sure you take care of you! Get away from the situation and regroup any chance you get. You've more than done your duty.
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Your brother is either a male chauvinistic a-hole or he's using that for a pathetic excuse for why he does not lift a finger to help your mom. If it would help, you may tell him I said so. I'm really sorry if facing the reality of Mom's condition just seems too hard for him, but if he was a decent man he would man up and not dump it all on his sister. He probably does not even realize he is sowing the seeds of permanent estrangement if he is not there for mom and for you at some point before she passes on. The fact that Mom gives him a pass is irrelevant - a lot of people from that generation thought of dishwashing, laundry, and caregiving is women's work but that does not make it any the less a pile of heifer dust.

Even if mom truly wants to stay at home in the worst way, if you can't do it alone and can't get enough help to make it doable, have a plan B so you don't kill yourself trying to to the impossible. To be brutally honest, that is not always figurative, it can be literal. Some caregivers who neglect their own needs for long enough have been known to pass on before their caregivees, and if that were to happen, Mom would end in in skilled care or memory care anyways. I suspect you ought to get more than one day a week agency help - you probably spend that whole time on just all the errands that are 100% your responsibility too.
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sspiel, I know whenever I ask Dad how is Mom feeling he doesn't know or he thinks it's a "female" issue, or that time of the month.... [rolling eyes because Mom is 97].... so why are we surprised that some guys don't want to know about a biopsy.
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I thank all for your input. As for my brother, he was always sort of "special". I don't know why, don't care, and it never bothered me until this situation. But how could you not want to know the outcome of your mother's biopsy. His words in an email were "I guess we just sort of forgot about Mom". SCREAM! My Father is rolling in his grave. He was always a help and a comfort to anyone who was sick or needed help. I later found out not ALL men are like my father was. OK. have tried the assisted living talk, and Mom just plain refuses. She forgets everything, but has no doubts about staying at home. She doesn't need personal care yet, healthwise, except her meds. Maybe more help, but the house gets cleaned so not much more they can do. Mom does appreciate my care - which helps me. But I still feel guilty if I don't do what I can. I just found this site, so it has helped me see that I am not being selfish for wanting a little time for me. Thanks again.
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I agree with gee whiz. After what you been through its time for a break. I don't think we should sacrifice our lives for elder care. I'm a 60 year old man and I will not repeat the horror stories I read about here. Just look at some of the names on this site. I mean no disrespect to those that devote their lives to caregiving but I just could not do it full time. I would not expect my relatives to live with me when I'm old, incontinent and mean. Take care of yourself first. If your brother tries to interfere with your decisions regarding moms care, walk away and turn it over to him. It's a sad fact that the guys all to often dump eldercare on the women.
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Just wondering if it isn't time to move Mom to a Memory care center. It would allow you to be the visitor rather than the caregiver. Since she is in her 90s already, the money from her house should support her in the assisted living memory care center. You are fighting an uphill battle and it won't get any easier. You will be a more effective advocate for her if you are relaxed and not worried about her.

As for your brother, well most of the contributors to this site have been through the same stuff. Once you move Mom and relax, you can forget about expecting anything from him. BUT as a wise person once said to me - "when your Mom is gone, your sibling is the only family you will have left'. I followed that advice and stopped expecting any help. I was able to renew the family relationship after my Mom passed.
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