Being a caregiver for TWO 93 year old stubborn parents is not possible to do without snapping like a twig.
They aren't going to listen or care what you say. You are torturing yourself and letting 2 elders (that have lived a very long life) take away the prime of your own life as a caregiver slave. Getting yelled at and disrespected when you are giving so much energy to protect and help them constantly is torture, and will eventually make your own health tank.
If they are constantly getting mad, acting rude and ungrateful for all you do, verbally abuse you, or have constant anger toward you, time to go. There are many ways to get out from under this train wreck situation you can read here.
Of course folks will tell you to "get used to it" or "be patient" or "It's the disease and not really them meaning it." I say put yourself in reverse, and let them find another family member to abuse and disrespect. Or they can pay big money for professionals. Good luck in getting freedom and your life back.
Thank you for your input Dawn88. To give a better view of the situation, I'm on disability due to a head injury 40 yrs ago, almost dying + coma, and after going through years of suffering through the after effects of the head injury and surgery, I gradually reconditioned myself to be functional, and more self sufficient. My father was angry that whole time with my getting myself better. Over the years I went to mental health support groups, and was a participant, later on becoming a group facilitator there. Mostly because we all became comfortable with each other there. After my injury I learned how to calm myself, and that extends to others I'm with. Everyone, even my family was used to that over the years, until I had to change. I could list many instances, basically when I speak up for myself, even the smallest example, that's when they get angry. What kind of people get angry, when you are trying to get help for yourself? Threats for calling my doctor, and asking me, if I'm taking my medication, when I speak up myself setting boundaries. I pay 800/mo in rent, also used to pay for a new car used to go shopping, easier to get in & out of, for doctor visits, and personal use. Previous cars were 21 & 14 yrs old, father said they were still good cars. He was angry because he did not want me to have a new car, while he knew my old car had technical glitches, his was 21 yrs old. I cleaned & maintained those 2 old cars. Traded in for an affordable one. I clean, do laundry, the shopping, trips to the doctor, landscaping & tree trimming, house & pool maintenance & repair, roof cleaning, everything to maintain the household and property, mainly because both parents don't want to spend the money to have it done. They've always complained about how much everything costs. (They grew up with little, potatoes to eat, an outhouse in the back). A few years after my head injury, and after their retirement, my folks said they'd have the inheritance to me after they pass, and my 5 brothers and 2 sisters were all accepting of that, because they had their own lives, and I missed out on mine. When things were not so good, starting a few years ago, I went to my sisters house, 2500 miles away, to see if I could get my medical insurance there, yes, and I also got 2 of my brothers to start their will. The older brother has POA, and my other brother is a back-up. Either way of looking at the situation, I learned how to do things the hard way. live and learn.
my parents are 95. My father went into NH last year, my mother in September.
Very hard because no decisions were made — wills, revocable trust on the house, POA proxies until February 2023. My parents did not trust their daughters to do right by them and did not want to put their affairs in order.
I shared responsibility with my sibling taking care of them when they lived “independently “ 🤣 and even splitting it was crazy making.
I am waiting on my mothers Medicaid, hoping for a positive decision so I know for sure that we don’t have to start in all over again dealing with her having to come home. I am anxiety ridden over this.
I no longer want to do anything for her or my father. It’s been since 2020 that we have been at this and I am tired of it all.just want to visit a couple of times a month.
You are not alone! My mother is 85 and as stubborn as the day is long, but sadly her common sense is gone. When she was in the hospital recently she only wanted to argue with me on everything. The minute she started I just waited for a break in her tirade and told her “I’m gonna go, mama. See you tomorrow”. She was very surprised that I would remove myself from her arguing, but she was a bit nicer the next day when I went to see her. In her opinion, I am still her young child who has no life experience or knowledge LOL. And that may be part of the problem with our elderly parents who don’t want to listen, they still view us as the “young children”, not full grown adults.
Must say that I had the most wonderful parents in the world, and am now 81 and s/p being both a parent and a grandparent. For me, isn't this the norm?
Do kids every listen to their parents? Do parents ever listen to their kids? And do grandkids ever listen to either one?
I am having a funny-bone day here, but the truth is that our elders/we AS elders, are facing down loss upon loss upon loss. Start at the top, the brain, the hearing, the eyes, the teeth, and stop at the deformed feet we can't bend down to trim the nails on. Losses of continence. And that last loss of our autonomy over our own decisions, our own finances, our own living choices. The losses have no upside. Not like we can say "Oh, I will grown out of this".
It's a terribly painful time. Our children wish to help us and we wish they would basically stop trying to parent their parents. It's a time of struggle. A time of fear. A time we as kids stand witness to the grief of seeing a parent we once needed, descend into a parent needy of us.
There's no good answer to this one. Sadly. Life is full of beauty. And life is full of pain. And this is on the pain side of things.
There are many of us who had to "parent" our parents since we were children ourselves. There are struggles in every stage of life.
No one is born elderly and needy. During all those years before the neediness and old age, is when you should treat your family right. To make old age plans for your own care so as not to be a burden to your kids.
Then there's the kids who grew up in dysfunction and abuse. We don't owe our parents a damn thing. Anything we give is a gift. It's that much gravy because it's not owed.
Because they are losing control and you are the child. Its hard when the roles are changing. My daddy did not argue with me he just said awful things about me to strangers. I already had POA and he knew down deep inside that I was taking care of him. When he was in a home he would be willful of things and the home would call me and I would talk to him telling him if he was not good I would not be able to come see him and he would calm down and I would bring him a treat the next day. The last week of his life he looked at me and told me he loved me and I knew he did! These diseases that we have to deal with SUCK and sometimes we have to do unconventional things to keep them safe. So if you have to lie, go behind their backs or whatever as long as you are caring for them more power to you! I did and I would not change what I did cuz my daddy was safe and taken care of. Blessings
- are they hard of hearing? Has their hearing ever been tested? Would they comply with/understand a hearing test? Can they afford hearing aids? Would they even wear them if they got them?
- have they ever been medically tested for dementia (tested by their primary doctor)?
These are the most common reasons why elders act the way you describe. When my Mom's hearing started to rapidly worsen (and she was in denial) I told her that I would resign my PoA if she thought I was going to yell stuff at her all day long. She got hearing aids and I make sure she wears them. It's a game changer.
If you are attempting to care for 2 people with cognitive/memory issues, you may burn out in the process. If you are not their PoA and/or they don't have the financial means to afford AL or MC, please consider contacting social services for their county to discuss options. They may be eligible for some in-home services, like light housekeeping, food prep, hygiene.
If you are not getting paid to care for them right now, this should really happen (but would require a written contract and non-cash payments so that your parents won't be disqualified for Medicaid in the future).
Also please educate yourself on dementia so that you can learn strategies to have better and more productive and peaceful interactions with them (see Teepa Snow videos on YouTube -- she's an expert on caregiving people with dementia).
If you can get at least 1 of your parents transitioned into a facility, it would help you immensely. If your parents have some financial means, you can use it to hire outside aids to give you a break. If you're an only child (like me) you do not have to bear this burden without help -- that would be utterly unreasonable as well as unsustainable.
Oh my goodness, yes! You are not alone…..so much so I’ve been told to get out of the house and get out of their life! Not allowed to be involved in thei health decisions and it’s so unfortunate because they really need help!
You have no info as to how or why you are a caregiver for them. If they are cognizant they pretty much can do what they want to do. Your brother is POA so you have little to say in the choices they make. I think that you should stop spending ANY of your money on doing any repairs, maintenance and work around the house. If the POA is in effect you tell the POA what needs to be done. I would do that in the form of a letter so that there is proof of the communication. If the POA fails in the duties you contact the back up POA.
If you think their choices are not safe you can try to obtain Guardianship or you can report unsafe conditions to APS.
By the way them verbally telling you that any inheritance will pass to you is meaningless. Their wishes have to be written. Any of your siblings may decide that you inheriting all is not fair.
Hi Grandma1954, I'm the caregiver because I've lived with my folks since they retired in Florida, shortly after my accident/head injury. the rest of my family stayed up north. I don't use my money, just my time & effort.
They aren't going to listen or care what you say. You are torturing yourself and letting 2 elders (that have lived a very long life) take away the prime of your own life as a caregiver slave. Getting yelled at and disrespected when you are giving so much energy to protect and help them constantly is torture, and will eventually make your own health tank.
If they are constantly getting mad, acting rude and ungrateful for all you do, verbally abuse you, or have constant anger toward you, time to go. There are many ways to get out from under this train wreck situation you can read here.
Of course folks will tell you to "get used to it" or "be patient" or "It's the disease and not really them meaning it." I say put yourself in reverse, and let them find another family member to abuse and disrespect. Or they can pay big money for professionals. Good luck in getting freedom and your life back.
I pay 800/mo in rent, also used to pay for a new car used to go shopping, easier to get in & out of, for doctor visits, and personal use. Previous cars were 21 & 14 yrs old, father said they were still good cars. He was angry because he did not want me to have a new car, while he knew my old car had technical glitches, his was 21 yrs old. I cleaned & maintained those 2 old cars. Traded in for an affordable one. I clean, do laundry, the shopping, trips to the doctor, landscaping & tree trimming, house & pool maintenance & repair, roof cleaning, everything to maintain the household and property, mainly because both parents don't want to spend the money to have it done. They've always complained about how much everything costs. (They grew up with little, potatoes to eat, an outhouse in the back).
A few years after my head injury, and after their retirement, my folks said they'd have the inheritance to me after they pass, and my 5 brothers and 2 sisters were all accepting of that, because they had their own lives, and I missed out on mine.
When things were not so good, starting a few years ago, I went to my sisters house, 2500 miles away, to see if I could get my medical insurance there, yes, and I also got 2 of my brothers to start their will. The older brother has POA, and my other brother is a back-up.
Either way of looking at the situation, I learned how to do things the hard way. live and learn.
Very hard because no decisions were made — wills, revocable trust on the house, POA proxies until February 2023. My parents did not trust their daughters to do right by them and did not want to put their affairs in order.
I shared responsibility with my sibling taking care of them when they lived “independently “ 🤣 and even splitting it was crazy making.
I am waiting on my mothers Medicaid, hoping for a positive decision so I know for sure that we don’t have to start in all over again dealing with her having to come home. I am anxiety ridden over this.
I no longer want to do anything for her or my father. It’s been since 2020 that we have been at this and I am tired of it all.just want to visit a couple of times a month.
For me, isn't this the norm?
Do kids every listen to their parents?
Do parents ever listen to their kids?
And do grandkids ever listen to either one?
I am having a funny-bone day here, but the truth is that our elders/we AS elders, are facing down loss upon loss upon loss. Start at the top, the brain, the hearing, the eyes, the teeth, and stop at the deformed feet we can't bend down to trim the nails on. Losses of continence. And that last loss of our autonomy over our own decisions, our own finances, our own living choices. The losses have no upside. Not like we can say "Oh, I will grown out of this".
It's a terribly painful time. Our children wish to help us and we wish they would basically stop trying to parent their parents. It's a time of struggle. A time of fear. A time we as kids stand witness to the grief of seeing a parent we once needed, descend into a parent needy of us.
There's no good answer to this one. Sadly. Life is full of beauty. And life is full of pain. And this is on the pain side of things.
There are many of us who had to "parent" our parents since we were children ourselves.
There are struggles in every stage of life.
No one is born elderly and needy. During all those years before the neediness and old age, is when you should treat your family right. To make old age plans for your own care so as not to be a burden to your kids.
Then there's the kids who grew up in dysfunction and abuse. We don't owe our parents a damn thing. Anything we give is a gift. It's that much gravy because it's not owed.
- are they hard of hearing? Has their hearing ever been tested? Would they comply with/understand a hearing test? Can they afford hearing aids? Would they even wear them if they got them?
- have they ever been medically tested for dementia (tested by their primary doctor)?
These are the most common reasons why elders act the way you describe. When my Mom's hearing started to rapidly worsen (and she was in denial) I told her that I would resign my PoA if she thought I was going to yell stuff at her all day long. She got hearing aids and I make sure she wears them. It's a game changer.
If you are attempting to care for 2 people with cognitive/memory issues, you may burn out in the process. If you are not their PoA and/or they don't have the financial means to afford AL or MC, please consider contacting social services for their county to discuss options. They may be eligible for some in-home services, like light housekeeping, food prep, hygiene.
If you are not getting paid to care for them right now, this should really happen (but would require a written contract and non-cash payments so that your parents won't be disqualified for Medicaid in the future).
Also please educate yourself on dementia so that you can learn strategies to have better and more productive and peaceful interactions with them (see Teepa Snow videos on YouTube -- she's an expert on caregiving people with dementia).
If you can get at least 1 of your parents transitioned into a facility, it would help you immensely. If your parents have some financial means, you can use it to hire outside aids to give you a break. If you're an only child (like me) you do not have to bear this burden without help -- that would be utterly unreasonable as well as unsustainable.
If they are cognizant they pretty much can do what they want to do.
Your brother is POA so you have little to say in the choices they make.
I think that you should stop spending ANY of your money on doing any repairs, maintenance and work around the house. If the POA is in effect you tell the POA what needs to be done. I would do that in the form of a letter so that there is proof of the communication. If the POA fails in the duties you contact the back up POA.
If you think their choices are not safe you can try to obtain Guardianship or you can report unsafe conditions to APS.
By the way them verbally telling you that any inheritance will pass to you is meaningless. Their wishes have to be written. Any of your siblings may decide that you inheriting all is not fair.