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My 97 year old aunt recently and suddenly moved in with my 95 year old dad. It was unplanned because a different living situation suddenly fell through. Neither are in good shape. Last night she drank rubbing alcohol thinking it was water. (She's okay.) She said she was hallucinating due to a migraine. Recently she also fell in the house. Last week she thought she was having a stroke (no) and went to the hospital for 2 days (the second day because she couldn't walk from being in bed). She is still getting PT for walking at home. I believe she should be in assisted living. A nephew (my cousin) has POA and his son who is a doctor has Medical POA. Can either of them step in and get her to assisted living? Should they step in? I don't know what, if anything, can be done.

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Has your aunt been diagnosed with dementia? If so the placement should be memory care not assisted living.
But to answer your question the POA should be responsible for finding suitable, safe living arrangements.
If they refuse to step in a call to APS would be warranted
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I say yes, they should step in and find her a place to live. Tell them you refuse to care for her. Not your responsibility. That Dad is not able to care for her and should not be put under that stress. If you didn't, the next time she is in the hospital, call the Medical POA and tell him he needs to be there for her. And as a Lawyer this would be the perfect time to have her transferred to an AL or LTC.

She is the responsibility of her POAs. They don't have to care for her personally but need to find her a place that she will be cared for.

You do realize that you have no say in her care. That the POAs have to step up to the plate. You must be firm in that she cannot live with your Dad. You WILL end up doing her care unless ur cousin realizes this IS his responsibility.
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If she drank rubbing alcohol for whatever reason--that's a pretty telling sign she's not with the 'program' so to speak.

This is where having POA steps in. When a person cannot make rational, safe choices any more.

She's 97--I wouldn't worry too much about the financial end of things--she likely will not live 3+ years and I bet she wouldn't want it.

If she stays with your dad, she WILL fall and that is often the thing that winds someone up in a NH for the rest of their lives. It would be better to be able to make that decision NOW rather than in a few days, frantically trying to find a place.

So, yes, your cousins can and should step in and take care of her. At the very least, some aides during the week, but if this were my mom, I'd want to see her somewhere safer than home with another elder who has problems.
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jolobo Dec 2021
Thank you. I can only hope that the POA will act responsibly.
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Imo she’s not at all suitable for AL.
At 97 she is not going to get any better, any younger, any more competent or cognitive. AL require for them to be able to do for themselves with some assistance periodically. If not, then an AL can / will place additional fees for services and it ends up being on par for the costs of a NH. Like if she cannot totally on her own order & take her medications, she will be charged $ 4 “daily medication management”.

I’d be looking for a NH or MC for her. The issue then becomes does she have the assets to be private pay for 2 years? OR is she going to need to show impoverishment & apply for LTC Medicaid for a facility? If she will need Medicaid, does she right now “at need” medically and financially for what LTC Medicaid requires? And is the POA paperwork such that they can access her banking, etc to get documentation Medicaid will want to see. On the medically “at need”, I’d ask the MD son to get her an appointment with a gerontology group to do a full work up with labs so that she has a health chart that shows her to be “at need” for skilled nursing care. If he’s not a gerontologist himself, knowing what’s needed is usually not in their wheelhouse. Good luck.
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jolobo Dec 2021
I think she is now going to be evalutated for dementia. I am trying to find out. I am not in the same town so it's not easy. She has the money to pay for NH. What is MC? I will have to find out about the POA. Thank you.
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My plans for my father?? His plan is to live alone until he cannot take care of himself (fast approaching that day) and then force one of us to take care of him. He refuses to go on Medicaid ever so we cannot get a homecare aide. He has no savings, no money. He's a difficult stubborn narcissist. No one will agree to take care of him. I have no idea what will happen to him. I guess some sort of medical crisis where he goes to the hospital and then rehab and has to get on Medicaid and stays there against his will. It will be very ugly. That is the plan. I have today written to my cousin and am waiting for an answer. She was not in the hospital for 3 days, so there was no chance of nursing home rehab because Medicare will not pick up that tab. I doubt my father will allow someone in the house to take care of my aunt. Very unlikely. She would have to hire someone anyway and that's not something she would do.
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Daughterof1930 Dec 2021
Just remember that dad’s demands aren’t what you have to do. If he won’t accept care from others it’s not on you to provide more than you’re comfortably and safely able
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She should not be living without an in-house caregiver at the very least. Have you tried talking about the dangers to your cousin or his son? Who is picking her up from the hospitals and allowing her to be dismissed?

You have every right to be concerned. What are your plans for your own father?
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