As POA for my dad, I have a huge decision: Surgery or pain management?

I haven't read the many responses, just putting in my vote for not doing anything and maybe considering hospice. May you receive peace in your heart that you are making the best decision for him considering the circumstances.

My vote is for hospice 100%. Dementia ruins any and all quality of life for most elders in the first place, not to mention the rest of your dad's issues. COPD is another life draining illness too. Combined with the others, give him comfort care and let nature take its course.

God bless and help you along this difficult road.

Chergal: You must trust the science of medical professionals on this matter.
Disclaimer - I am not a medical professional nor do I profess to be able to advise you on such matters in regard to your father's health.

HI, I'm a caregiver but also a nurse. You need to weigh the pros and cons in this situation. It is not wrong to say no to surgery or testing if the benefits do not out weigh the risks. I often see elderly patients who are going through tests or surgical procedures and for what? Can this proposed testing and surgery have the benefit of prolonging his life, or improve the quality of his life? Probably not given all his other health issues and that should be your guide. Your father should be in peace and there is nothing wrong to say no and allow acceptance of how life will progress eventually to death. Most importantly is to cherish the time you both have now. Too often our desire to do everything possible actually hastens the death process, and the patient who has dementia suffers because of loss of routine in an unfamiliar place, eg hospital. I wish you luck in whatever decision you make.

My cousin was the medical power of attorney for my mom, and my mom had the same situation. She was 81 years old. He asked me what should he do? Same dilemma. I told him since she couldn't speak for herself, then whatever decision he makes will be the right one. Dangers if you do and dangers if you don't. Therefore, just make the decision if you have to do it on your own and realize that there will be NO reason to feel guilt if your loved one dies. Death can occur whether you do or whether you don't.

Seems the better option is palliative care - keeping him comfortable and everything working as best it can - without trying to fix the aneurysms. If his blood pressure stays stable, the aneurysms are less of a problem than his COPD, AFib, or kidney disease.

If I were in your shoes I would choose palliative / hospice care to make him more comfortable. His body is shutting down and his mind is already gone. No need to prolong his suffering. Make him comfortable. End of life decisions are hard and we pray for you to have strength and comfort while making these decisions for your dad.

Take care.

I can’t make this decision for you but I will give you my experience. My Dad had kidney dysfunction, severe COPD and two aneurism's. He had an aortic aneurism and one in his spleen. He also had issues with his heart.

my Dad was in assisted living with my Mom and I was the POA and live near just my Mom now. Dad was going in and out of the hospital and in his mid 90’s we knew no drastic measures would be physically tolerated. He did not have dementia and he personally did not want intervention because he would suffer.

he eventually went on Palliative Care and his last 6 or son months were spent on Hospice. I personally pushed for that after his last hospitalization. He needed to be treated with IV Diuretics. It his his kidneys hard. He had to stay an extra 24 hours because his kidney function had dropped. He ended up going home and eventually ended up with oxygen. During the follow up by video with the cardiologist he told me that we needed to treat Dad conservatively with meds as he could not tolerate the only treatment he could receive which was the diuretics.

I truly understand where you are at right now because it gives you such a feeling of guilt but we have to do what we know in our heads and heart what we know is best for the one we care for. My Dad passed peacefully in his room where he wanted to pass and that gives me some measure of comfort.

I hope you have a caring team of health care providers who can help guide you in the right direction. Hugs to you, it is a tough place to be but you will do the right thing

Hospice & palliative care. My dad doesn't want to go to hospital , everytime he has had an ambulance out he refuses. He wants to stay comfy & be at home.
Hospitals just rush & you are a number on the system. Hospice treats people better at end of life & really home in with your dad's wishes. All the best & sending a hug

I wish OP would come back and tell us what the decision was. Hopefully, not to operate.

On June 26, 2022 my father passed. At the end, they kept him painfree with medications. Thank you all for your support and concern.

Cherbal, I am so sorry for your loss.

Every action has a consequence, for an 85 year old person, everyday presents risks. Please find out if he qualifies for Hospice as they can offer the care you can't.

As for you, please consult a psychiatrist (who can prescribe) who can help you let go..............it's the hardest choice to make, but he/she can help you deal with the 5 stages of grief. https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/

Chergal, my condolences over the loss of your dear father. I'm so happy to hear that he was kept pain free & comfortable throughout his end of life journey. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace.

So sorry for your loss.

Chergal: I am so sorry for the loss of your father. Deepest condolences to you.