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I live with my grandmother along with other family members including my mother, her daughter. We’ve been struggling trying to get my grandmother to use the toilet in the bathroom. She uses a commode in her bedroom and does number two, even though she walks with a walker and can get to the bathroom fine. She does not have dementia, although she has other mental health issues. She wears adult diapers but this doesn’t keep her from doing number two in her commode. Sometimes she does this with the door to her bedroom open. She empties it in the bathroom toilet daily. We’ve all talked to her about not doing it anymore. She always says she can’t smell it, and that she has to do it because it takes too long to get to the bathroom. But my thoughts on this are that she is doing this as a way to control as much as she can. She makes it seem like we’re abusing her when we refuse to empty it for her, but I don’t do it because I believe she doesn’t have to use it for number two. Are we being too hard on her or is it reasonable to expect her to go to the toilet in the bathroom?

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Put a plastic bag in commode & then empty it in your outside garbage can. She’s probably worried she’s going to lose it on way to regular bathroom…so commode is more convenient.
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mollyamae,

I agree wholeheartedly with you and all of my comments on this thread reflect that.
I know your grandmother is not your client. She is abusing the bedroom commode and has let it replace using the flushing toilet in the bathroom.
You are right and should definitely talk to her about it. The other family members living in the house should too.
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mollyamae Mar 2022
thank you I appreciate that! I apologize for being defensive
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Ugh....I still have issues with this. For my mother the commode is a necessity. We have also placed commodes over each of the toilets, for both stability and ease since my dad is 93 and this helps him as well. This isn't much of an issue because they live in their own home. Mom has dementia and wears diapers, and so far has been good about movements in the commode as well as in the bathroom. What has helped is putting the lid over the bucket when not in use, or to use when carrying through the house to dispose. I would have her assessed for dementia...this is not reasonable behavior. Not only is this inconsiderate, but downright inexcusable if she is of sound mind.
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bundleofjoy Mar 2022
i agree with every word you wrote :).
hug!!

i hope OP, you can find a good solution!!

as for abby -- yeah, that's what i was saying too -- that sometimes the commode is a necessity. i have friends whose parents simply must have a commode. i also know people who use cups in their bedroom (for number 1) - but that can be problematic too, falling while you stand and hold a cup.

oh boy.
i'm wishing us all to find good solutions!!
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How did she come to have a commode in the first place? I personally think it's pretty disgusting and have ZERO desire for my mom to ever use one in my house. I'm trying to keep her active enough and have her in PT so that she can keep making it to the bathroom. Emptying a pot of pee and poo is enough to make me cry. And smelling it - blech.

Good luck.
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bundleofjoy Mar 2022
hugs!!

although i agree with you that it's disgusting to have a commode in one's bedroom...
:(

i think sometimes it's necessary.
some LOs reallly have a hard time walking to the bathroom --- especially at night. many elderly people fall at night, trying to go the bathroom.

then:
sometimes, the only way is to try to use the commode.

hug!!
:( oh boy. it's not easy getting elderly...and we will experience it one day too, maybe.
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Molly;

Back in 2011, my mom suddenly became anxious about everything. She seemed the same as usual otherwise. My brother said she was having a "pity party" and told her to cut it out.

To make a very long story short, at the encouragement of her new geriatrics doc and geriatric psychiatrist, we had a thorough panel of neuropsych assessments done. Not "tell me what day it is and who is the president?"--4 hours of paper and pencil testing--that's what a neuropsych exam is.

It turns out that my mom had had an undetected stroke and had the reasoning ability of a 6 year old. Mom wasn't capable of living on her own any longer, but she couldn't explain what was going on.

I'm glad you see the need for assessments.
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mollyamae Mar 2022
This really struck a chord with me and is a very real possibility for my grandmother. Thank you for your advice!
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Get grandma tested for dementia. If that's definitely not the issue, then why does she need a commode in the first place? And, if she's able to empty this commode into the bathroom toilet every day herself, then why are YOU having to empty her BMs? If she can empty one, she can surely empty ALL.
Living with your family is a privilege, not a foregone conclusion grandma is entitled to. Part of the privilege is helping out and not expecting to be waited on hand and foot because "she's old". Providing she doesn't have dementia, she knows what she's doing and can empty her own commode loads. I'd die of embarrassment before expecting my kids or grandkids to do that for me. Period.
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mollyamae Mar 2022
I do believe we should look into assessments. I agree with your statements about not needing to waited on hand and foot. I think what these comments and replies have made me realize is we should get more professionals involved. Not random people who judge a situation they don’t know the details of. My error. Thanks everyone for your time
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When I first started the caregiving journey with my Mom, she was physically able to go the the bathroom at least once a day. When she got up in the morning and before she went to bed, she would use the portable commode in her bedroom. I would assist. Before lunch, I would take the bucket out and place the commode over the toilet, so she would not be sitting low (It was a higher model toilet, but the commode made it even higher). She would use a reacher tool to take off her pull-ups, and put the clean one on, along with her shorts. It was sometimes a challenge. Again, I would assist if needed.

As time went on and she became more unsteady with her walking, I wanted her daily routine to be as stress free as possible. So the commode stayed in the bedroom. Three times a day, morning, lunch time, and bedtime, I helped her change her pull-ups, including cleaning her, and making sure she had no pressure ulcers. At first, I was uneasy, as her son, cleaning Mom's behind, but it quickly became part of the daily routine. If she had an accident at any other time during the day, off to the bedroom we would go to change again. She would sleep through the night, so sometimes the bed would be wet in the morning. That's where multiple bed pads came in handy. I made sure there was air freshner in the bedroom, and the commode was always cleaned up immedately after each use. I agree with the comment trigas made that it is part of the job description.
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mollyamae Mar 2022
Sorry you have to go through that. Again, this situation is not part of my so called job description. If I signed up to do this I wouldn’t be asking for advice and guidance.
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At the least, there are great liners for bedside commodes that make clean up easy, along with deodorizing inserts for the liners. And I hope you’re sure dementia isn’t a factor
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mollyamae Mar 2022
Thank you I will look into that
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I am 70, my husband 77, and I know what it is like to SUDDENLY have to have a bowel movement or urinate, not always making it. This is one of the things that make it hard to be getting old. It is horribly embarrassing and if she goes in the diaper, or the bed then you really have a cleaning to do. Sorry, but let her use her commode if it make her feel more safe and more in control of her bodily functions. If she is going to live with you, come to grips with it is in the job description. No, not the most pleasant thing but a small thing to do to make getting old easier. You can hire an aid for a couple hours a day but you might never know when.Suck it up and and realize you too will be old one day. If the smell is a problem, have her put some PooPouri (you can find it in drug stores or online) in before she goes. Not sure how it would work in a commode, but works great in a toilet. Keep a little water in the commode bucket might help too.
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lealonnie1 Mar 2022
Telling the op to "Suck it up" is a nasty comment! Getting old doesn't have to be the whole family's problem and grandma can ALSO "Suck it up" and be grateful for the opportunity to live with family members who care for her! She needs to try using the toilet and pulling a tiny bit of weight in this house, fgs.
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I hate it when clients apologize to me that their commode needs emptying and they've had a bowel movement. I don't ever want a client of mine to feel miserable or embarrassed about this minor chore.

The commode is there so that they don't risk a fall by rushing, so that they don't panic about soiling themselves, so that they're not wandering around the house at night if their vision and/or mobility aren't great. Emptying it is nobody's favourite job but neither is it any big deal.

And maybe your grandmother has other reasons too that make her feel uncomfortable using the bathroom. For example, if it's a busy family house, maybe she dreads a knock on the door when she's in the middle of business, so to speak. But of course I don't know what her reasons are - has she said?
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BurntCaregiver Mar 2022
No one should be miserable because their commode needs emptying in. A client saying 'I'm sorry but my commode needs to be cleaned' to me is more a show of respect for their caregiver. No one has to be embarrassed by it or by mentioning that it needs to be cleaned.
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No. You are not being unreasonable. If she can get to the actual flushing toilet then there's no reason on earth why she shouldn't be.
No one should have to live in a house that stinks of piss and sh*t.
You are right about it likely being a control issue. It happens more often than people think. My mother who does not have dementia but uses a walker was doing the same thing for a while. She has to walk past the bathroom when she leaves her bedroom so there was no reason to walk past it to use the commode located three rooms away. Then I would be expected to clean it up at once.
This stopped when I threatened to throw the commode away and she can crap all over herself and I will do nothing to help her.
The pooping in the commode stopped.
I understand that you live with your grandmother and it being her house she will be the one calling the shots. Not on this though.
All of you tell her plainly that you will not be cleaning up her sh*t anymore and that the lot of you will move if this disgusting nonsense with the commode continues. Then it will be her all alone with her crap. Trust me, she'll start using the toilet.
A good friend of mine had a similar situation to yours. Her grandmother on her father's side lived with them when she was younger. Her parents both worked full time, but grandmother had people with her all day long in the house. She was never alone. Homecare aides (I was one) in the mornings and one of her daughters in the afternoons. She used to wear a pull-up but really did not have incontinence issues.
The last one to get home from the workday was her DIL. The minute this woman set a foot in the door grandmother would crap and pee herself to kingdom come. Then the poor DIL would have to clean it all up. The grandmother saved it for her. She also hated her. Even her DIL changed her work hours and started coming home at different times, the minute she walked in the house it was poop-a-palooza.
Until one day she just lost it and refused to clean her up. She left her sitting there. Her son wouldn't change her claiming he couldn't (which is ridiculous) and my friend refused to. Several hours went by and no one would do it.
The grandmother got up, walked to the bathroom and cleaned herself up.
The crapping herself silly the minute my friend's mom walked in the house abruptly stopped. The threat of being placed in 'a home' helps that too. Try it with your grandmother.
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This is obviously difficult for you but compared to the toileting problems that many people post about it's really very minor - she isn't soiling the floor because she refuses to wear an incontinence product, she isn't going in inappropriate places like closets or garbage cans, she isn't even going in her pull up and needing to be cleaned up after.
To address your need for her to use the toilet - have you tried to just remove the commode? If the problem is as Beatty has mentioned then perhaps placing the commode over the toilet (they make splash guards especially for this purpose) may resolve it.
Also people tend to be fairly regular in their bowel habits and go around the same times every day, perhaps you could direct her to the bathroom at around that time "just to freshen up!" and nature will take it's course.
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mollyamae Mar 2022
Doesn’t matter if other people have more difficult situations, when you haven’t gone through things like this it is a huge challenge, hence asking for advice. My grandmother is very stubborn so I don’t see directing her working but I could give it a try for sure. As for taking the commode away I would love to but I’m weary of her actually really needing it. She doesn’t seem to know what she needs
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Does the toilet have grab bars? Is the toilet low to sit on?

My first guess is funtional. If the commode is higher & has armrests it will be easier to stand up from.

Standing up is easy when young. When older, can be hard to very hard. Bad knees, stiff hips, balance issues when dealing with reaching to clean & fixing clothing up, fear of falling.

I have seen people unable to get up from a toilet many times.
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mollyamae Mar 2022
The toilet doesn’t have grab bars but I believe the commode is the same height. I will ask her if this is a factor
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Welcome, Molly.

Who is telling you that she doesn't have dementia?
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mollyamae Mar 2022
I suppose I am just assuming she doesn’t. Will try to see what we can do about an assessment
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