Are my boundaries OK or toxic?
Mom went to ER today for being pale and feeling sick. Ambulance took her home after finding "nothing wrong" at the ER. I refused to care for her tonight. Care company couldn't come in. Mom knows I will not do caregiving. I started caregiving once in a blue moon and it consumed my life very quickly (see prev post). So a boundary now is that I deal with true medical emergencies and make sure bills get paid.
I know the saying that the right thing is the hardest thing. And this is definitely the hardest thing. Another me would have just went on auto pilot and dealt with anything and everything with no regard to my well-being. But it doesn't feel good. Sometimes it feels wrong. Not sure how to explain it.
Like maybe can I make exceptions here and there but that's how itll start all over again. I'm just feeling lost.
Since my last post I've felt so good for the first time in over 2 years. I felt peace. I was able to plan my day and stick to the plans. I've been focused at work. My relationship with my fiance is better. We started planning our wedding. It's been nothing but positive. Selfish? Maybe. But aren't I honoring my mom and late dad by living my life to fullest they way they always intended? If so, then why does it feel like crap when things come up that I would have otherwise "fixed"?
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Who called for the ambulance?
And has dementia.
Did YOU speak to the folks at the hospital? Or did mom possibly say "oh, my daughter will stay with me"?
Oh boy, I didn’t realize your mom has dementia. (I understand you think it’s mild).
OP, in that case, that changes a bit what I think. Your boundaries are still perfect, but…
Definitely a better system needs to be put in place for her at home. I hope you succeed. I understand she has home health (caregivers who come in, for some hours during the day). She needs more hours help per day.
She has dementia:
Even if mild, that can also explain her irrational behavior of going to ER only feeling slightly sick.
My friend’s mom has mild dementia. It became unsafe to just have a few hours help per day. My friend set up live-in caregivers. My friend now has more peace of mind. And her mom has MUCH LESS medical emergencies.
OP, what happened today (your mom in ER) will happen again and again (or variations of that: basically her making bad decisions because of dementia). It’s get worse. She’ll need more help during the day.
Try to take a preventive approach. Your future self will thank you. If you’re willing, help her set up live-in care in her home. It’s going to have to happen anyway at some point — or facility.
Imagine you don’t set up more help:
You’ll try to enjoy your life, being less involved (boundaries), but actually you’ll keep worrying. It takes work, but if you’re willing, try to set up more help.
If you don’t,
your mom will anyway get into more and more problems, and sometimes totally unintentionally exactly when it’s least convenient for you.
Your boundaries are perfect, but…
The truth is you’ll keep caring and WORRYING. Unless you totally walk away…
So:
Try to set up a system that’s as independent as possible, so less things land on you. So you’re not “it”.
Example, if your mom can afford it:
Live-in caregivers, or more shifts during the day so that this is avoided as much as possible:
“Care company couldn't come in.”
This started happening with my mother. I had to stay with her for over a week once when she had some muscle issues and was rendered nearly helpless. That was my wake-up call that I would not do that again.
You have drawn the line -- don't venture over it. I'm surprised she didn't expect you to be the ride home from the ER. What did your mother do when you refused to go to her after the ambulance brought her home? Did she cry, yell, heap you with verbal abuse?
One thing, though...what's the plan as your mother needs more help? What if she can't stay in her home? What are her finances -- can she afford more and more help, eventually possibly needing around-the-clock help?
Are you her POA/HCPOA? Are you her only child?
Your marriage could very well be permanently and adversely affected if the plan is to move her in with you someday (or if you plan to move in with her).
As long as you have hired others to care for your mom, she isn’t being neglected.
So glad that you are living a peaceful and fulfilling life. Good for you!
It's fine to feel like crap when your aging parent has a medical moment. It's called caring and having compassion. Of course you want to help them. But, can you prevent it anymore than they could have prevented it for you?
It is important to be fully truthful and honest that you can NOT do on hands caregiving. I nearly lost the relationship with my mom altogether when I was doing it. She cussed, swore, threw things, then would feebly say she was sorry. Then in the next instant started all over again. I told her if my appearance upsets you this much we'll find another arrangement. She pleaded, but we found the most angelic home health care people that come in 4-5 times a week. They don't take her sh*t and she is cared for. She realizes now that I was the safe place for the anger, but in no uncertain terms I told her I didn't deserve it, then, or now.
If you're honest about what you can and can't do, you'll proceed forward in a much healthier way.
Another question?
Do you think your Mom shoud be living on her own?
Mom?
Medical staff?
A little thought ballon inside you?
You've defined helping for "true medical emergencies" & bills paid.
So if you break it down to look for the cause of that yuck/guilt factor - how do you define *emergency*?
ER. Yes probably.
How do you define *helping*?
Accompanying to ER?
Providing transport there & back?
Transport for follow-up tests?
Supervision or assistance in home after hospitalisation?
Setting up after-care help?
Providing backup when aides cancel?
Yar.. mission creep, right?
It's vertially impossible to plan for every detail for every scenario 😔
Maybe refer back to your bigger boundary to help set the smaller ones?
Eg I am no longer my LO's hands-on help in any way. When I think about it now, this means it natuarally excludes any situation that requies manual handling: mobily assistance in home, when out or providing transport.