It is good that you are anticipating as many people do not know to do this and end up overwhelmed in the moment. Which can happen no matter how much prep / planning ahead and good intentions we have.
It is a very difficult time and as much as we want to alleviate suffering - due to elder's / spouse's changing circumstances, I believe grieving is unavoidable. We can support and be there although the grief is always real and perhaps a 'requirement' of life we all need to experience / go through - as best we can.
Although your question is how to make the move as easy as possible.' What I would suggest:
1) be an active listener / reflective listener. Be with the loved one in real time - where she is. Be / acknowledge her loss / feelings / fears.
2) Do not get into logic or 'stories' - grief is hard and there isn't anyway out but through (or stay stuck in it). We are in a state of shock during these grief filled time. We can't (or I should say "I can't) make any logical sense out of it or process it away. It is there and needs to be felt - through our resistance, sadness, pain. I know that I couldn't get a handle on it. It is like the mercury in the old thermometers - I couldn't (can't) process it away. Its like being in the Twilght Zone.
3) Not to say that I didn't reach a point of shifting from the grief of losing a loved one to 'it is a natural transition to being alive. We live and we die.' However, this 'logic' certainly didn't and doesn't help a person HEARING that when in the throws of grief.
4) I would be with her as much as posible, sharing her grief. I understand this is so very hard for you. I feel very sad too (if that might help comfort her - so you'll know she isn't alone (even though grieving is, to me, a very solitary experience). I hope I am making sense.
5) Depending on the person, plan with her the night of ... the following days. Help her structure her week, month. This is very individual although it might help her to plan as well as could be - if this would help her. I believe there is a very fine line between grieving in private and isolating due to depression / sadness. We do not know what / where that line is for an individual, much less perhaps for ourselves during these times. - Listen to her / what she wants - then weigh how much / and how you can be supportive. She may say 'leave me alone' although that may not be the best for her. It is a decision you will need to make depending on the relationship you have with her - how involved to be.
6) I wonder if medication might help - even if a mild relaxant to get through the first couple of days or week.
7) Is there any long term plan for this grieving woman - is she going to stay in her home alone? Sell the house? While not a discussion to have immediately, it is certainly something that needs to be discussed - as ...
8) this is a huge change for her / a major shift in her life-style, being alone.
9) As might be appropriate / available, see about support groups for others in her situation. Also, the memory care unit / facility personnel (social worker / administrator) may be of support.
Hopefully, someone, if not this spouse, is handling finances, paying bills, etc. Since you say she was so dependent on her husband, I wonder if she can - is - handle these day to day / month to month needs. She might need some help in this area, as well as insuring that all legal documents are in order.
The memory care will ask dad not to visit for a week to give her time to make the break.This will be a hard week for both of them. Visit them if you can this week.
The Nursing Facility provided transportation by a van.They told mom she had to go out for medical tests. I was not so sure about what they did...... but it did work without alot of resistance.Mom had Lewy Body Alzheimers and Lung Cancer. only 70. She would get angry and emotional all the time.
Above is a pdf link from the Alzheimer's association with 22 tips to make a loved ones move to Memory Care Assisted Living more successful.
When I worked in a Memory Care Assisted Living facility, we had a lot of spouses residing there. The care became too overwhelming for the spouse at home and so the placement was necessary. The spouse living at home would visit frequently and the couple would watch movies together or take a nap. The ones who were able to go out for a walk or to a restaurant or for ice cream did so. They didn't feel abandoned, just living separately due to the Health and wellbeing of BOTH elders. This is NOT always possible at home, as much as others insist it is. Your father's wellbeing and mental health matters here too.
You know her better than we do, and know her husband and his abilities to help you with helping her through this. We cannot know what she's capable of understanding. For some the answer is that they cannot understand or retain ANYTHING. Cannot, in fact, even recognize loved ones. Others can understand enough to be furious and in despair.
It is for you to decide if this is a walk in with hubby, explanation by aids and administration that this is now home and you will be frequently there to see her, but she needs to be here for care you can no longer do and for her safety OR if this is a matter of hiring ambulance transport to her new bed.
As to anticipating grief? YES. There will be grief. Is this not worth mourning? Is this not worth crying out in anger and despair? If this is not, then what is?
This is not your FAULT or responsibility. You didn't create this devastation of aging and you can't fix it. You are doing your best and doing the right things, and the only way through this chasm of despair is walking right on into it. You all need to allow yourselves to grieve. This is painful for YOU as well. She will blame you. Who else can she blame? You can only tell her you are devastated for and with her and love her and will be there to visit her. Tell her you are so sorry, for that's the truth.
I am so sorry. Not everything can be fixed. This is truly heart breaking and all your hearts will now break. There is no answer to this other than your own best instincts for the person you so love.
Transitioning to a new home is even difficult for those of us who are not struggling with dementia, so you can expect it to be very difficult. Adjusting will take time and there will absolutely be very big emotions for everyone involved.
That being said, a good facility knows this and is prepared to make the adjustment time as comfortable as possible. When we moved my mom, my Aunt took her out for a nice lunch and an enjoyable ride in the car and walk in the park while other family members moved her belongings from home to her new “apartment” in a memory care facility. We were careful to set up her apartment with the furniture and wall hangings as close to the same positioning as they were at home.
When she and my aunt arrived we were all there and treated the remainder of the day as you would with anyone else moving into a new home. We stayed positive and tried to keep her focus on all the positives. She was suspicious and leery of what was going on. The staff were so kind and accommodating, knowing this was hard for her and for me. I stayed long into the night till she fell asleep and notified the staff when I was leaving so they would be aware to check on her, especially to attend to her when she woke and I’d not be there.
I knew how hard this would be for me so I scheduled therapy for myself to begin the week of my mom’s move. This was a huge part of helping me to cope with the transition while the wonderful staff at the ALF helped my mom to cope in her state of confusion. It took about two months until she stopped expecting to be taken home each day. Over the years (my mom lived there for 9 years) I noticed that seemed to be the fairly typical amount of time it took for new residents.
A really good facility is adept at providing enjoyable activities that are mentally stimulating and fun. My observation is that before long new residents not only accept that this is where they are staying but often make friends and enjoy their days. Most days, not all days. There will be good days and bad days. I don’t believe there is a simple or easy way of doing this. It is just going to be hard but you have to consider her safety first. Try to keep everyone’s focus on her safety. Allow everyone to feel what they’re feeling and to express their feelings without argument. It’s hard and it stinks and it’s ok to cry and be angry. In time the dust will settle and you’ll know she’s safe and cared for around the clock.
Introduce a private caregiver (can be a realiable friend or a paid person) as your friend. Do a few visits together and let them bond and then the friend comes to visit and begins to help out. I found my mom was lonely and resistant to the aides (they are different and some are great and some are okay). They are also quick and mom needs time to process and not feel rushed. It is wonderful for her to have a person she can depend on and has gotten to know her likes and dislikes so they can help her (food choices, drink choices, naps after meals, helping her pick out her clothes-give 2 choices). Showers are nice now because the room is warmed up with the hot water and mom holds the shower items to “help”. I also have mom’s aides put eye drops in, apply lotions to her skin. Paint her nails and take walks along with making sure she eats 2 meals (sometimes helping her by feeding her until she takes the fork). I also have a camera in the room that I call a speaker (it is allowed in this place). Eufy pan and tilt with a memory chip doesn’t need a contract and all in was about 50 dollars. From my experience of 3 places, I will never let my mom be in a place without a private person to care for her. The care is better and mom has benefited. I drop in on Alexa Show and talk to mom when I see she is in the room and up. The private caregivers text me daily. I only have caregivers 4-5 hours a day. I started with 3 days a week but found her care was not great with the promises of the facility so I upped it to 7 days a week. The Lord provided the funds and I am grateful for her care and for her peace and contentment. Mom knows me and knows what she likes/dislikes BUT she has vascular dementia and almost no recent recall. That stresses her because she cannot remember. This has relieved so much for her.
Going to play devils advocate here and I will get to your question in a bit. My question for you is.... Do you have the legal authority to move LO to Memory Care? What does the husband say about this?
Now to your question... It is going to be difficult for both. There is a very good possibility that he will decline cognitively when he no longer is caring for her. Do you have plans to deal with that? What support system does he have that will help him? Honestly a simple move, depending on how resistant he is taking him out for lunch while someone stays with his wife and then that person moves the wife to MC. The wife is dependent on him because he is a constant person in her life and she can trust him. She will transfer that trust to someone else that will be there.
Another question Is there a remote possibility that they can BOTH move to Assisted Living? Normally I am one to say that a person with dementia should not be in AL but with a dedicated spouse and the help of the AL staff he might manage. And if he is able to join some of the activities and she can't a few hours in the MC section would keep her safe and give him an opportunity to get away. AND when he can no longer manage she is used to the staff and routine in MC.
It is a very difficult time and as much as we want to alleviate suffering - due to elder's / spouse's changing circumstances, I believe grieving is unavoidable. We can support and be there although the grief is always real and perhaps a 'requirement' of life we all need to experience / go through - as best we can.
Although your question is how to make the move as easy as possible.' What I would suggest:
1) be an active listener / reflective listener. Be with the loved one in real time - where she is. Be / acknowledge her loss / feelings / fears.
2) Do not get into logic or 'stories' - grief is hard and there isn't anyway out but through (or stay stuck in it). We are in a state of shock during these grief filled time. We can't (or I should say "I can't) make any logical sense out of it or process it away. It is there and needs to be felt - through our resistance, sadness, pain. I know that I couldn't get a handle on it. It is like the mercury in the old thermometers - I couldn't (can't) process it away. Its like being in the Twilght Zone.
3) Not to say that I didn't reach a point of shifting from the grief of losing a loved one to 'it is a natural transition to being alive. We live and we die.' However, this 'logic' certainly didn't and doesn't help a person HEARING that when in the throws of grief.
4) I would be with her as much as posible, sharing her grief. I understand this is so very hard for you. I feel very sad too (if that might help comfort her - so you'll know she isn't alone (even though grieving is, to me, a very solitary experience). I hope I am making sense.
5) Depending on the person, plan with her the night of ... the following days. Help her structure her week, month. This is very individual although it might help her to plan as well as could be - if this would help her. I believe there is a very fine line between grieving in private and isolating due to depression / sadness. We do not know what / where that line is for an individual, much less perhaps for ourselves during these times.
- Listen to her / what she wants - then weigh how much / and how you can be supportive. She may say 'leave me alone' although that may not be the best for her. It is a decision you will need to make depending on the relationship you have with her - how involved to be.
6) I wonder if medication might help - even if a mild relaxant to get through the first couple of days or week.
7) Is there any long term plan for this grieving woman - is she going to stay in her home alone? Sell the house? While not a discussion to have immediately, it is certainly something that needs to be discussed - as ...
8) this is a huge change for her / a major shift in her life-style, being alone.
9) As might be appropriate / available, see about support groups for others in her situation. Also, the memory care unit / facility personnel (social worker / administrator) may be of support.
Hopefully, someone, if not this spouse, is handling finances, paying bills, etc. Since you say she was so dependent on her husband, I wonder if she can - is - handle these day to day / month to month needs. She might need some help in this area, as well as insuring that all legal documents are in order.
Gena / Touch Matters
lealonnie1 has provided a stellar response below.
Above is a pdf link from the Alzheimer's association with 22 tips to make a loved ones move to Memory Care Assisted Living more successful.
When I worked in a Memory Care Assisted Living facility, we had a lot of spouses residing there. The care became too overwhelming for the spouse at home and so the placement was necessary. The spouse living at home would visit frequently and the couple would watch movies together or take a nap. The ones who were able to go out for a walk or to a restaurant or for ice cream did so. They didn't feel abandoned, just living separately due to the Health and wellbeing of BOTH elders. This is NOT always possible at home, as much as others insist it is. Your father's wellbeing and mental health matters here too.
Best of luck to you.
It is for you to decide if this is a walk in with hubby, explanation by aids and administration that this is now home and you will be frequently there to see her, but she needs to be here for care you can no longer do and for her safety OR if this is a matter of hiring ambulance transport to her new bed.
As to anticipating grief? YES. There will be grief. Is this not worth mourning?
Is this not worth crying out in anger and despair?
If this is not, then what is?
This is not your FAULT or responsibility. You didn't create this devastation of aging and you can't fix it. You are doing your best and doing the right things, and the only way through this chasm of despair is walking right on into it.
You all need to allow yourselves to grieve. This is painful for YOU as well. She will blame you. Who else can she blame? You can only tell her you are devastated for and with her and love her and will be there to visit her. Tell her you are so sorry, for that's the truth.
I am so sorry. Not everything can be fixed. This is truly heart breaking and all your hearts will now break. There is no answer to this other than your own best instincts for the person you so love.
That being said, a good facility knows this and is prepared to make the adjustment time as comfortable as possible. When we moved my mom, my Aunt took her out for a nice lunch and an enjoyable ride in the car and walk in the park while other family members moved her belongings from home to her new “apartment” in a memory care facility. We were careful to set up her apartment with the furniture and wall hangings as close to the same positioning as they were at home.
When she and my aunt arrived we were all there and treated the remainder of the day as you would with anyone else moving into a new home. We stayed positive and tried to keep her focus on all the positives. She was suspicious and leery of what was going on. The staff were so kind and accommodating, knowing this was hard for her and for me. I stayed long into the night till she fell asleep and notified the staff when I was leaving so they would be aware to check on her, especially to attend to her when she woke and I’d not be there.
I knew how hard this would be for me so I scheduled therapy for myself to begin the week of my mom’s move. This was a huge part of helping me to cope with the transition while the wonderful staff at the ALF helped my mom to cope in her state of confusion. It took about two months until she stopped expecting to be taken home each day. Over the years (my mom lived there for 9 years) I noticed that seemed to be the fairly typical amount of time it took for new residents.
A really good facility is adept at providing enjoyable activities that are mentally stimulating and fun. My observation is that before long new residents not only accept that this is where they are staying but often make friends and enjoy their days. Most days, not all days. There will be good days and bad days. I don’t believe there is a simple or easy way of doing this. It is just going to be hard but you have to consider her safety first. Try to keep everyone’s focus on her safety. Allow everyone to feel what they’re feeling and to express their feelings without argument. It’s hard and it stinks and it’s ok to cry and be angry. In time the dust will settle and you’ll know she’s safe and cared for around the clock.
My question for you is....
Do you have the legal authority to move LO to Memory Care?
What does the husband say about this?
Now to your question...
It is going to be difficult for both.
There is a very good possibility that he will decline cognitively when he no longer is caring for her. Do you have plans to deal with that? What support system does he have that will help him?
Honestly a simple move, depending on how resistant he is taking him out for lunch while someone stays with his wife and then that person moves the wife to MC.
The wife is dependent on him because he is a constant person in her life and she can trust him. She will transfer that trust to someone else that will be there.
Another question
Is there a remote possibility that they can BOTH move to Assisted Living? Normally I am one to say that a person with dementia should not be in AL but with a dedicated spouse and the help of the AL staff he might manage. And if he is able to join some of the activities and she can't a few hours in the MC section would keep her safe and give him an opportunity to get away. AND when he can no longer manage she is used to the staff and routine in MC.