Am I the only one who feels like they aren’t going to live as long as their parents because of taking care of their parents?

The mental, physical and financial stress of taking care of parents or an ill spouse takes years off of your life. I know of multiple people who have died before the person they were taking care of...

You are not their only option. There is no shame in deciding that you have given enough and that it is time to help them look at all of their options. Running yourself into the ground doesn't make you a better daughter/son and in turn, finding a facility that is close by that meets their needs doesn't make you a bad daughter/son.

Some posters throw the guilt around and say things like "your parents took care of you when you were a child" suggesting that somehow you owe them. My argument to that is that you choose to have a child and they are totally helpless for about 4 years and then they can feed themselves, dress themselves, go to the toilet unassisted and are continually growing mentally and physically. Taking care of an ill parent or spouse can literally go on for 15 years! and there is no improvement...they are going the other direction. To me, taking care of children and taking care of parents/spouse that is ill, are two different situations.

My parents did not spend one day taking care of their own parents. Somehow this caretaking business skipped a generation! Your parents would not want you to be sad and run down. Look into alternatives for them and take care of yourself and your cat!

I took care of my folks for a decade.I knew I would outlive them but I had high blood pressure and high stress that I worked to keep managed. My Dad died 5 years ago and my Mom died last month. since then, my blood pressure has calmed down (no need for meds) and the constant pressure has released. I grieve but I am more relaxed and peaceful.

No. It's because of my excellent care my mother is now 98 and still going, 4 months into hospice, and now they're telling me I could be another 6 months. Medication and a pacemaker allowed her to survive past the Independent part of her life to loss of independence, at the same time giving me years of anxiety, and robbing me of trips with my husband and tens of thousands of dollars as well as a relationship with a sibling. I really don't think there's a day that goes by without me thinking at least 10 times about how I'll never put anyone through this and I would much rather live a shorter life than put someone else through caring for me the way I care for my mother while she is depressed and angry at her reduced state. All the medications she took kept her alive and seems like a miracle at the time but in retrospect I think we keep people alive far too long only to suffer. Meanwhile we're suffering caring for them during the best years of our lives. That said duty and love prevent me from abandoning her and I feel I'm doing the right thing. But I hope to never put anyone else through this.

I'm quite sure I no longer want to live as long as my mother because of taking care of my mother.

This is something I constantly worry about that fills me with further resentment and dread. Also, when people now say, "God will bless you for taking care of your father", I want to say, "I'll be too worn out and possibly sick to enjoy that blessing".

On a positive note, I really appreciate this forum because very few people in my life (other than the caregivers on this site) seem to understand what it's like and why I sometimes feel the way I do about caregiving.

There are research studies that state that caregivers do indeed suffer significant medical consequences from their work. Everything from depression & suicidal thoughts to untreated cancer’s & cardiac issues. Then again, lots of professions carry medical consequences…

But when caregiving for a parent there’s something fundamentally unnatural about the situation. Why would someone that spent years protecting & supporting (ideally) a child, turn around years later to impose suffering & detriment to that same child just because they’re an adult now. If you know you’re hurting your family, but do it anyway just because you can, what message does that send? How can someone justify the damage to another’s health & future in exchange for their own current comfort & well being as a fair trade?

What really fascinates me is coming global population collapse as a result of the increasing size of the aging/elder demographics. Meaning the dependency ratio of those working & producing is inverted to those that are retired & dependent. Younger generations are increasingly tasked with elder care, reducing their own economic output & limiting their ability to develop their own families & shortening their own lifespans due to the nature of caregiving. It’s already occurred in Japan as well as a few European countries.

No one seems to question just how much of the “labor shortage” is due to people being forced into family caregiving. And the Baby Boomers have barely begun to enter into dependency/retirement. They’re already the most resented generation in history… imagine what it’ll be like when they’re in their 80s.

I gave up my career to become a caregiver & I’m far from alone. I’m in my mid 40s, and thanks to having become a caregiver, have no inclination to live past my 60s. None. I would much rather die than put any other human through what I’ve endured caring for my parents. What little I have saved won’t be confiscated by a greedy nursing home. I’ll be prepared to end things before any of that happens.

In that sense, caregiving has been a blessing. My eyes are wide open to realities of aging & the realities of the dystopian industrial complex we call medical care.

I'm waiting for BurntCaregiver to show up here! She's great. Time to buckle up, buttercup, because, caregiving is impossibly hard to do, especially if you're not trained in it, not paid, and it's not your profession. Step back from the madness, take care of yourself, get off the roller coaster of madness, the mental whiplash of one day everything is ok and the next minute everything is awful. There are a lot of ways to untangle ones self from this, it ain't pretty, it ain't always "nice", or if those are not acceptable alternatives....call the funeral parlor and pick out your casket.
The mortality rate for caregivers is something like 60% or higher. If this is not a group you want to die for, better do some hard thinking and step back.
I do not write this lightly. I do care for those who care, but given what I have gone through over the past four years, I hope that folks will take care of themselves and not die to keep caregiving, because, we're good people, we want to do the right thing, we want to be good caregivers. Weeellll.....sometimes....that ain't always possible, given the circumstances we have to deal with.
I totally respect each and everyone who is on this road, incredibly hard, thankless work. I am in no way disrespecting those who have chosen how they are handling their situation. I do want folks to be able to say "enough is enough" and be able to step away and say "No More". I know I will have to do that for my husband. It will not be easy to do. I don't want to do that, but....it will come down to the reality of how horrible dementia is and how I am just one person in this storm and can only do so much for him.

I agree that people are "living" much too long. Their lives SUCK. They are not happy. They are barely existing. It's pathetic, sad, horrible, etc. My mom did nothing for herself. Very content to sit in her chair and watch tv and have as much done for her as possible. Even when she was able to do plenty for herself. Never heeded my advice for taking better care of herself. Never cared about eating better for her health and well being. Never cared about losing weight. Never cared about being active. It made me so angry that she just let old age wash over her without even trying to improve her situation.

I have learned what NOT to do. Everything she did. And did not do. I am taking care of myself so my children will not be faced with a decrepit mother that won't live her life to the fullest and do what she can do for herself. I used to say I'm never going into a nursing home but after caring for my mother I say B.S. to that. I do not ever want my kids to take care of me. I want them to live their lives as is their right, their due.

At my age, my parents were having fun, traveling, etc. They were not tied down to caregiving. My mom has NO clue what it was like to care for her. She thinks stopping at her mom's once a day to give her an insulin shot was a big deal. OMG it does not compare to caring for someone with dementia. In your own home. Even now that she's in AL, I still have to coordinate so much for her. She mixes up her dirty and clean clothes. She doesn't put her trash where it belongs. She just can't keep track of virtually anything. But she mostly has no idea of what she is not capable of. Thinks it's fine. Except sometimes she knows she's really confused, etc.

Good luck to all of you reading this in putting caregiving in it's proper place, taking care of yourself, etc.

Now that my parents are gone and I did the bulk of caretaking myself, I truly believe that the love I gave will extend my life.

I have achieved a great and deep happiness.

when I look at pictures of my siblings that weren’t around I see an emptiness and compounded aging.

You're definitely not the only one. I'm so envious of anyone who can look at this experience in a positive light. I love my mom dearly and will be devastated when she's gone but over the course of the 17 years that I've been caring for her I've pushed my nervous system to the limit, had suicidal thoughts and developed a life-altering GI disorder, in addition to giving up a great many positive opportunities. People say "At least you'll have no regrets when she's gone." But I have so many regrets now. I regret keeping my promise to never put her in a nursing home. I regret not spending every penny of her money on agency care and getting her on public assistance sooner. I regret sacrificing my own health and sanity for hers. I worry that when she dies I will fully collapse, physically and/or mentally. I am still bound and determined to make room for joy in my life: I have friends, travel, make art. But being her caregiver is hands-down the most self-destructive thing I have ever done.