My mum (now aged 91 years) lives in my house. I converted my teaching studio into a Wing 12 years ago, and she has her own front door and separate living and sleeping areas......but a shared inside staircase.
According to her - we live completely separately, in fact (in her words) she 'never sees me'.
In reality, I go in to her every morning before work. She checks what time I come home every evening, 'pops' in to my lounge, my kitchen, my bedroom looking for me most evenings, I often cook enough for her when I am cooking my son's meals etc etc.
She has no overheads or added expenses as she is living under my roof.
My sister lives 20 minutes away and phones my mother every night, but 'hasn't got time' to come and see her during the week. She does come every weekend for an hour or so, and sometimes takes her out.
My brother lives abroad and has no interraction with me, but phones my mother about once a week.
Neither sibling has ever checked on how I'm doing or offered to take mum away, or have her to stay with them.......I am not strictly a 'Carer' but I do so many things for my mum on a daily basis.
Don't get me wrong - this situation was not forced on me 12 years ago, but to be honest, I never thought that having my mother living in my house would cause me to have to make so many alterations and sacrifices in my life, and I never considered that my siblings would literally pull right back and leave me to it. In fact - neither of them contact me any more - all news etc is passed between us by my mother. I have tried to re-open the communication between us all, to no avail.
My son is now about to go to Australia to live, and unlikely to return very often, and my partner and I would like to travel more and spend more time together (we currently do not live together because of my mother) and to that end I have decided that I would like to move house, and to ask my sister to take on the responsibility of my mother.
It sounds quite callous as I write it all down, but my mother is a domineering, quietly controlling woman who is an expert in emotional blackmail.
Am I selfish to want to change my living situation without including my mother?
My partner and I are on the wrong side of 50, and I worry that our quality time together is being jeopardized.
I would be grateful for some outsider views.
Thanks in advance.
In reality, start looking at AL facilities...if you really intend to travel before its too late.
The facilities will allow mom to be there for a month, (I think). Maybe that wud solve the problem, (& make mom more thankful to return to your home again).
My 92 year old grandmother is also an expert at emotional blackmail. She guilt trips me all the time in the hopes that I'll forgo the gym, or my part time job or whatever I'm doing for fun that evening, which really isn't fair to me whatsoever. As someone who is introverted and needs alone time to keep sane, this is extremely exhausting for me- both mentally and physically. I work two jobs where I deal with people all day, then I come home to the ongoing ball of crisis that is Grandma. So it's safe to say that I desperately need that time to myself every day to function properly. I'm slowly learning to let things go, and let it go in one ear and out the other. It takes practice.
As caregivers, it is critical that we take care of ourselves. What good will we be to anyone if we overload ourselves to the point of illness or injury? Yes, you and your husband need to take time for yourselves. There's nothing selfish or callous about it at all. It's necessary. There is nothing wrong with outsourcing/allocating care.
You are only ONE person and can only do so much. One person cannot do it all. One person cannot be there 24/7. You need help or else you're going to burnout and end up in the hospital. Then where will you and your family be?
Sorry, been a bad week here😣